Shame

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I have experienced so much shame in my life. Feeling unloved and unwanted by my dad and step mom. They argued about me and my brother all the time. I felt responsible that somehow it was my fault. I was physically , emotionally and sexually abused as a child and felt so much shame from all of that. It was hard enough not being able to tell anyone. When I was sexually abused I was told if I told anyone I would be shot with a gun so I remained quiet. Who would believe me anyways? Shame lives in darkness. 

The kids at school made fun of me for being different. Again I felt much shame from the other kids and even the teachers. Abuse changes a person. It changes how you think, especially how you view yourself. I often thought what if I was a better kid smarter would I feel less of a loser in life, because I felt inadequate most of my life I dragged shame from my childhood into my adolescence and then into adulthood. Shame is huge in addiction, feeling not good enough or smart enough. Fear of looking stupid.

Shame is one big fat lie. It causes us to hide ourselves because shame causes us to hate ourselves we step away from God  not towards Him. When we expose our shame into the light. That becomes the power of truth. That truth my friend is God. He knows all He sees all and He forgives us all. He wants us to come out of hiding and into His grace. He died on the cross to save all our sins. He loves us so much. His love never fails. ” For you were once darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of the light ( for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness righteousness and truth ). Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes light. ”  Ephesians 5: 8-13

The blood of Christ has healed me and I have been set free from all guilt and shame. ” He himself bore our sins in His body on the cross so that we might did to sins , live for righteousness by His wounds you have been healed. ”   1 Peter 2: 24    Shame always made me feel less then. It lead me to choose addiction, because lets face it when you only know shame how much lower could you go. I was wrong addiction sinks one further into this shame. It cripples you to the core of your soul.

Good news we have the power to choose and not feel controlled by shame in our lives. The truth of God’s word brings me freedom and strength. I no longer have to feel shame in my life. I cannot change my past what happened to me, but I can change my future. I used to think that I was helpless, voiceless, powerless, useless and my life was meaningless. A victim poor me, because of what happened to me. Now I have a voice no longer will I remain silent. I was a prisoner of shame too long. 

I read recently read that nothing is as powerful as a mind made up. A mind made up ahead of time has the power to control the way your day goes and how your life goes.  I have that power to control who I become. I think my biggest trip up in this life is my mind. I need to manage it or it will manage me. I need to renew my mind. This is not an easy task for me at all, but when I do it will bring much peace and healing. ” Therefore I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, His good, pleasing and perfect will. ”  Romans 12: 1 -2 

I am learning how much God loves me how He accepts me and what He wants for me in my life. All I ever listened to was Satan’s lies. Lies about who I was and am. All the negatives in my life. The biggest lies for me was that I was a big failure, a disappointment, that I was dumb and stupid and constantly being told that I would never amount to anything. All the rejection and worthlessness. I am done listening to all the lies. I only listen to God’s truth . God is beginning to heal my broken heart and soul and already is renewing my mind in His truth. I attend church regularly, becoming part of a great community, joined an awesome online recovery group with amazing Godly women. I’m learning all about God’s grace and His truth and studying God’s word which arms me everyday with those much needed scriptures. My mind is being renewed day by day. I’m changing my thoughts which will direct my life. 

I’ve started writing out scriptures on post it notes to remind me everyday those truths. When lies come and they will I need to hold every thought captive. I also need to remember the opposite of those lies. When my past screams I am hopeless, I am useless, I’m not good enough, I will never measure up. I need to tell myself the truth………………I am alive in Christ. Ephesians 2:5.   I am a new creature in Christ. 2 Cors 5:17. I can do all things through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13. I am greatly loved by God. Romans 1:7. So many good ones I need  to write them out and memorize them.

Lastly, I want to be a voice for woman everywhere that feel or have felt this shame. There is freedom from it. There is hope when we turn to God and trust Him. Are you willing to change and renew your mind today? I am.