I’ve started doing the 12 steps with a group of woman who have struggled with addiction just like me. Last week we did Step One. As I went through this step, it’s easy to forget how crazy life was in addiction when your out of it, but it was good for me to reflect on it. One of the questions that stood out to me was 6 months before you became sober how did you lie about, hide or minimized your addiction. I used to lie a lot to get what I felt I needed. I would manipulate and I would hide the fact I was acting out by getting around the filters on my computer. When one is caught in addiction you will do anything to get your next high and who cares about anyone else. Addiction causes you to do things that you would not do when sober.
When my life was unmanageable I would micromanage my life to avoid feeling empty, anxious or worthless. I felt if I could control all of this then I would stop from feeling worthlessness. It does not matter what addiction we are caught in that feeling of worthlessness can used to make me feel like I could drown. The more I used the more this feeling doomed over me. Along with these feelings I hated rejection nobody to love me or I felt I was unloveable. A person in my life showed me recently that when I experience self hate it makes me want to continue in addiction then comes shame, embarrassment and it will come full circle to self hatred.
My life was unmanageable and I had lost my sense of dignity. Even though I could hide my addiction well it made me feel awful and everytime I fell I promised myself that I would never do it again. We all know that is part of the unmanageable part of addiction. I used to feel huge guilt and shame and it would cause me to feel more isolated from the world. I lost relationship with my husband and my marriage fell to the wayside.
Now that I’m in recovery I feel much gratitude everyday for the small things and I’m grateful the most for my 17 months of sobriety. It’s good to go back and see how crazy and unmanageable life was in addiction but glad I’m not on that crazy cycle anymore. AS I work through these 12 steps I want to be able to share with you just how powerless we really are in addiction. There is help out there for all of us. I was tired of fighting this battle alone.