Grief

I know Grief is part of living but it’s a part of life that I hate. I hate losing people that I love and not being able to see them. When you first lose someone they are on your mind lots. I realized when I’m busy at work and come home I’m too tired to think much about it. As soon as my body slows down then the grief creeps back in. It’s real and it’s raw. I miss my dad’s hugs and his stories and his smile. He was full of wisdom that I hear in my mind when I think of different things.

Then I feel angry that he had to have dementia and we had to watch him slip away with not remembering or getting stuck in things. Dementia is horrible no matter who it happens to. My dad has vascular dementia and he had it for 5 years. I still think of the times we spent together when my mom needed a weekend away. Even though sometimes they were hard they were some amazing times that we spent just the two of us.

As I said before my step dad was my real dad in my life. He stepped into a role of fatherhood when my brother and I came to live with him and my mom. Things were not always easy but he was always there no matter what. He was someone I could go to and talk to him about anything.

My dad loved the beach and it was his happy place. If he would get agitated we would head to the beach. In the summer we would watch the kids playing. My dad often wandered over to them and chat. He loved watching all the people, especially the dogs. We would walk for hours and sometimes would just sit on a log and watch the whole world go by. He would pick up rocks and shells. Many of them I have in a bowl outside of my house.

I have a friend who makes pieces of driftwood with sea glass on it with shells and I’m going to buy one as a reminder of my dad and the love for the beach. In his younger days he would swim for long periods in the ocean. He loved swimming. When he owned his own boat be would swim off it. He loved doing that.

All I have now is my memories of him. It’s been a long month since he passed away. He’s missed massively by all who knew him, especially me. ❤️