Trauma

Trauma is awful no matter how it happens. One of the things God has given me is an insight to see trauma in others. As you’ve heard me say before that things do not happen as coincidence. I call them God instances. This past school year I met a young child who had experienced trauma in their life. They reminded me of me as a young girl. They were in survival mode often and trusted no one. When they refused to do things they dug in their feet and you could not get them to budge. I would feel frustrated but then would back off and just give them love and compassion. I love them fighting back because that’s survival. When you have truama in your life if you don’t fight you will die. They knew the teacher so they were able to get them to do things that I could not.

As a child I remember trusting Nobody but I loved people to be kind and caring to me. I still watched from a far but love made me feel good. It was foreign but good. New things were very important to me because I never got them so for this child it was similar. My teacher would go through all the school supplies and those that had little she would top them up with her own. I remember the first day they got to use their markers and this child did not use the markers but carried them like they were made of gold. It took all you could not to have them go out at playtime. As soon as they came in they would run over and pick up the markers. For about a week they were carried everywhere a treasured possession. I explained that in trauma when you don’t get new things they become a comfort and that they become treasured possessions. When the child realized that the markets were still there and were theirs they used them and stopped carrying them around.

Another thing that became an importance was food. If food is scarce or you become worried will you get more, when you get it you want to eat it. When all of a sudden you get great lunches from not having much. It becomes a huge part of your day. Wanting to keep eating and carrying around your lunch kit. For me lunch was non existant, I learned at a young age to steal other kids food so I could eat. I was able to explain why this child did what they did because of experience. I just tell people that I have experience with children in trauma because I do first hand. Or when they came to school in a whirl wind and I knew that today was a day off extra love and support and that learning that day was not on. Similarities were struck often and school was a place of safety. I know that’s why I feel so comfortable working at school now as an adult.

A couple of months before school ended that child stuck to me like glue. They trusted me and it took a long time but because I knew and understood I waited patiently. I always told them I’m here for you no matter what. This was my first year at school and I was challenged often with children but In the end I was able to be there for each and everyone of them. I love my job so much. This is what giving back is all about.

As I think about this, this is what God does for us. He waits patiently for us. He stands by and gives us unconditional love and waits for us to come to Him. Unconditional love is the best feeling in the world as we saw with this child.

1 Corinthians 13 :1  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

God has given me a huge heart for Rabbits 🐰

This was Winston I looked forward to spending a long time with this little guy. Obviously I was only supposed to spend 4 days with him. Even in those 4 days he touched my heart. God reminded me today why I love rabbits so much and how my heart is huge for everyone of them. I thought today was fitting to write about it.

When I was a young girl of 10 I lived in Ireland and my step mom her family lived about an hour and a half away from us. It was in the country and I loved going there so much. Her brother Terry he had taken over the farm and he lived there with his wife and children. I loved all the animals on the farm. He had cows he milked twice a day, pigs that often had babies. Baby pigs are the cutest but wow can they ever squeal when you first pick them up. They had chickens, sheep and a bull.

My sister and I would spend all our time out with the animals. There were always lots of babies. On the same property a newer home had been built which my step moms brothers lived there and their mom my grandma moved into that home when her husband died. Uncle Joe he travelled lots and was often in Africa. There was another brother who lived there as well but he was really mean and he was the guy that later sexual abused me.

He carried a dark presence about him and he had a shot gun he often laughed and would threaten us with it. Being kids we would never take it seriously and just laughed and ran away from him. He thought it was the greatest thing to catch rabbits and put them in sacks and tie up the necks of the bags and the bunnies would eventually die. My sister Lynn and I would follow him he often made the rabbits scream. Rabbits will scream when they are terrified. He would spend all his days catching rabbits and putting them in these sacks and he would come back later to get them. Lynn and I would come by and untie all the bags and let the rabbits free. One by one they would ruin off. He was so angry at us for doing that but we just continued letting the rabbits go.

God put a huge love in my heart for Rabbits. I’m often known as the rabbit lady. I have raised rabbits that would have starved if I had not fed them. I have fed my own babies when their mom refused to feed them. I even have wild rabbits living in my front garden right now. After a day and a half Winston for sick and he was so young he could not fight against it. I’m so glad I got to try and help him even though it was so hard.

Next week I will get another rabbit another plush mini lop and the person lives closer to me so not lots of travel. It seems too soon to many but right now I have the time to bond with a rabbit before I go back to school and get busy. The rabbit I’m looking at is the far orange one he’s got black on his back and black on his head. I’m so glad God has given me the heart for such an amazing animal. Through heartache and pain comes even stronger love. That is how life is especially for the love that I have for the Lord. He can even use little rabbits for His glory.

Broken pieces and redemption

As I was sorting through things in my bedroom yesterday I came across this. I loved this so much it was given to me as a gift from a special lady. It was an angel and it’s wings moved. For years it laid broken in this container when it got accidentally knocked over and smashed. I feel sad as I found it again and there she laid broken into pieces. So many pieces that can’t be put back together as many are missing.

For many of us these broken pieces signify our lives. So many things can shatter our lives. Abuse of all kinds, abandonment, addiction, shame and hopelessness. For a long time I felt like this there was no hope. My life just was shattered into so many pieces and none of them fit back together. How many of us have felt that somewhere in their lives or even now.

I want you to know that there is hope and those shattered pieces can be redeemed when we choose to let God into our lives. He heals our broken hearts and molds those broken pieces back together so that we become whole. Living in freedom is the most awesome feeling ever. We get freed from bondage and then we can help others. God wants us to share our stories with others. I want people to know about Him and how he heals our broken souls.

One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 40:31 – But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Healing slowly from the past

I’m doing a really hard thing right now at my house. I’m moving from a home where I have lived for the past 13 years. It was my house with my husband and a year and a half ago he went to the US. I did not go with him, because this is my home and I already went to NC for five years and my family need me and this is my home. It was an adjustment for me but then I have so much support here with my friends and family and an awesome job. I’m now super happy on my own. I have a labradoodle and in a couple of weeks will be getting a unique rabbit. He’s a mini plush lop. I can use him as pet therapy in my school. The children at my school loved my rabbits I brought in for them to love and hug. Rabbits are such good therapy for both children and adults.

Sorting through lots of memories have been really hard for me. I kept everything, every photo, every card and every journal I’ve ever written. Painful memories of people who were in my life and left. People who are my friends now that I’ve not seen in a long time. Good memories and then ones that bring me pain to remember them. I feel sad that my marriage ended. I imagined when I got married it would be forever.

My marriage was difficult for a long time I tried so hard to make it work but it never seemed enough. Now he’s been gone for over a year and a half I see where God had His hand in everything in my marriage. Throughout the really tough times He was always there protecting me. As I worked on myself in counseling I now see that even through the pain I can heal from this as well. It’s hard sifting through the memories but I’m exactly where I need to be in my life. When my husband left I felt that not only had a lost him but his children as well. That was really hard to swallow. I still get to chat to one of them and God will use this for His good as well.

Even though it’s hard I’ve been feeling peace about it all and I’m looking forward to moving into my own place. A place to start out fresh with no bad memories in it. God is healing my heart and He uses our stories to help others. I’m excited to see what is ahead for me.

Standing up for injustice

I’ve been really quiet on here lately. I now need to speak what is on my heart. June has been a really tough month for my indigenous friends. At the beginning of June 215 bodies of indigenous children were found in unmarked Graves at a resendetial school in Kamloops. Some were as young as 3 years old. It rocked my community and I was just horrified. I can’t even imagine one having my child taken from me and put in these schools and the abuse and horror that happened including the deaths of these children. I can’t even fathom how the families felt and then not having them returned to them. It was hard enough to hear about this.

Last week in Saskatchewan they found 751 more children buried in unmarked Graves. I feel so sick in my soul that this could even have happened. I have listened to live posts and interviews of one of my indigenous friends. Her family went to residential schools. The truama they have to face again with knowing what happened to those around them. I love Tina ‘s family they speak out and share their painful stories so that I and many others can be educated on what happened. She’s encouraged her non indigenous friends to speak out so that this changes and that there is no more predijous about indigenous people.

I feel numb today. I’ve cried many tears and I can’t stand injustice for anybody. God has given me heart for all people and a voice to stand up for those who can’t speak for themselves. I pray that with all these deaths and I’m sure there are many more that we add Canadians do not forgot this tragedy that our children do not forget either and that those who did this are held accountable. Tina’s uncle spoke in an interview and he said it’s not just our government, its not just the church but it’s also the RCMP.

This injustice needs to stop and indigenous people need to be treated like everyone else not excluded for who they are. They need to have the same rights you and I have. I pray for the families that lost children and for their communities as they grieve also the reminder of those resential schools. I pray for healing for each of them. Educate yourselves on this if you don’t know and I will continue to hear those hard painful stories. Keep speaking out we need to know.

Trusting God

It’s been a rough couple of months for me. I’m one week I found out that my house was being sold and that my job I loved so much I was being laid off from at the end of June. It rocked me hard. Ok God if you are going to shake up my life couldn’t you do it one thing at a time. I realized that God was opening the door for me to move. At first I didn’t want to I love it here but the more I looked at it I realized I needed to move. This was mine and Larry’s home and living here had been really hard for me. A lot of hard times. It also would be easy to expensive for me to stay here and I’m tired of mowing a lot of lawn, and looking after a home it’s to much for me.

Within a week I found a place just down the road from where I am now. It’s a lot smaller but it’s just prefect for Zeke, me and my new rabbit Winston. It’s right by the creek and my new landlords are so awesome. I’m so excited to move at the end of July or mid August.
Today I was called up to the principals office and he asked me did you hear the good news. He told me that my job had been reinstated. It is the same amount of hours that I have now and I get to stay in my school. Wow I was totally stunned because I was told that my program would not be running until next year. I know only God could have orchastred this. This is like winning the lottery.

I just had to trust that everything that seemed so upside down would fall into place. I left it all up to God and trusted that I would work at the place He wanted me to be at.
Last weekend I saw 8 bald eagles I knew it all would be ok. God would look after me and indeed He did. I so appreciate all of your prayers. Thank you 🧡

Animal Therapy

This past Friday was my pro D day and I got to learn all about Tilly who is our therapy dog at the school I work at. She’s an Australian labradoodle. She’s like Zeke my dog. She was bred for her job at our school. It took two years for the breeder to have the right dog. I learned about the program at UBC that helps with putting therapy dogs into schools. He spoke about what their program is all about. How it helps so many children and adults. Then we got to hear the trainer speak about the 100’s of hours of training that Tilly gets. The trainer comes to our school and works with groups of children. Tilly just turned one year old so she’s still young. It’s amazing how much she knows already.

We then got to go back to school and see the tricks Tilly knows. The hands on was awesome because at school Tilly is working with the children so I don’t get to see a lot of what we saw. The trainer taught us how to read cues from her if he’s getting anxious or needs time out. This was such a needed time for our pro D day because so many of us are tired and need this to boost us up.

I love Tilly. She’s an amazing dog and every time I see her in the hallway it lifts my spirit up hugely. She’s so good with the children. I love that when a child is maxed out, Tilly just sits with them in silence or puts her paws on them to know that they are safe and she’s there for them. We saw photos of children inside her soft crate reading a book and Tilly sitting by them. Children reading to her it helps boost children that don’t like to read or are embarrassed to read out loud she just sits and listen. It calms down the children her presence when they have big emotions.

It’s not just Tilly her owner is an amazing calm person. She’s one of the school counsellors. They are the best team. Not only does Tilly make the children happy, she makes every adult at school happy as well. We are so lucky to have Tilly at our school. She’s brought so much confidence to the children and everytime they see her they want to go over and visit.

I’m so blessed that I get to be at this school. It’s been so hard for our children and adults with Covid we are tired and our children feel the effects in their homes. If we can make everyday a safe place to be and a special friend for them then it’s all worth it. I pray I can stay at this school in September. For me Tilly reminds that no matter who you are or where you have come from animals are one of the best therapies. I’ve seen it over and over again.

Resilience

I recently took a course about resilience in young children. It was a fascinating online course. I’m always fascinated about this topic. They talked about how our children express their feelings through human connection. Children who don’t feel safe do not express themselves. Instead they feel stirred up and frustrated. Their brains become hijacked by their big emotions. When children express big emotions they want us to know we are there for them. What is the message a child hears when we rub their back for comfort? When we reassure them when they are afraid or feel anxiety? Or tells them that I’m here for you. Children then trust which creates resilience. Sensitive children need more assurance and In attachment they learn to lean on us. Relisence is created in managing difficulties. It’s built overtime.

Today I learned that my friend who suffered a brain anyrusum 87 days ago she was told that she may not survive it. People said no. God said yes that her life was worth fighting for. This has been so hard for her learning how to do the basic of things we all take for granted so much. She’s beat the odds and continues every day to get stronger. Her family wrote that sometimes every step is so painful.

Lici is so resilient from her the difficulties of just normal life. Apparently she’s more funnier then ever and she’s a hoot before. Good is using what happened to her to help people see that yes we still can see miracles. He’s using every part of her story to help those who don’t Believe in Him. Lici is an amazing woman who had already endured so much already.

I have much resilience in my life with all the difficulties I have endured. When things were really tough I had to work harder then anyone to get to where I needed to be. I never gave up no matter what. I believe that’s why when things get hard with me I hate it yes but I continue on with my journey. I also Believe sharing our stories with others helps encourage and helps people move forward in their lives.

I’m so blessed……

I’m going to see a new counselor today she asked me what was I going to blog after I saw her. I decided to write about my stepdad. As I’ve written before he’s a very special man I’m my life. He’s been a dad to me way more than my real dad. He’s protective of me like a dad should be for his daughter. I came to the realization today as I was talking about him that his dementia as it progresses one day he may not know who I am. I see my mom grieving the loss of her husband. It’s really hard on her.

For now I love going and hanging out with him on weekends. We have fun together and laugh. I just embrace our time together and make it the best I can. The last time I was with him he was so excited to tell me I should go swimming with him after breakfast in the Red River. As a boy he used to swim in the Red River. He tells me about his house he grew up in and the name of the street. I google it and yes sure enough his home he talks about is right near the river. He talks to me about their cottage by the lake and helping his dad in his restaurant. My grandpa Jack died last year a month before his 105th birthday.

After we finish breakfast Barry has forgotten what we talked about, forgotten his memories as a child until something sparks out and it comes back. I cherish every moment with him. When it’s really difficult for him, I patiently wait and reassure him. I pray for him often. One of our favorite things to do is to walk the beach. We find rocks that stand out to each of us. I have a special dish to put them outside on my deck. When I put water in them the rocks ams shells change color. My dad has the best sense of humor and often makes me laugh. We laugh about the craziest things. I feel so blessed to spend this time with him. I love this man so very much. ❤️

Why is doing the right thing so hard?

People who know me well know that I love rabbits. I love them so much and they bring such joy into my life. Rabbits have such great personalities and they are super social. Not only do I love rabbits I love rabbit shows. That’s one of my favorite things to do is go to a show and enter one of your rabbits. As a child we had a rabbit named Wiggles. He ran loose in our garage and I remember that he ate the tops off our rubber boots. I was devestated when the neighbour left the door open and he got killed.

My love for rabbits grew more and now. I decided the next best thing is breeding baby bunnies. I first breed lionheads they are amazing animals. I loved them but they are hard to sell here in the island. I’ve bred rabbits for about 10 years. Yes the babies are so cute but as a breeder that comes with a lot of responsibility. There are tough decisions that need to be made. Ones I hated so much but needed to do it for the best for my rabbits. I finally thought I had the breeding pair I have been looking for forever. Turns out Huckleberry has really bad teeth. I can’t breed him with bad teeth and he’s also in pain and barely eating and drinking. It’s so expensive to get his teeth done because you have to put him under and it’s a high risk surgery and then it does not fix the problem. The kind thing will be to put him down.

I’m devestated. He’s such a sweet boy outside his cage. Inside his cage he’s super protective. He was the only kit in a litter so he and I are really bonded. This is the part of rabbits I hate so much. My old counselor told me that if I never loved my heart would not be this passionate and it’s lonely not knowing love. ♥️ I hate that love hurts so much. I’ve made a tough decision to not breed anymore but I can’t take all the loss and I need a simpler life. I have the cutest babies right now from Huckleberry and Creamsicle. I can’t do this anymore. Before I move I will be selling off almost all my rabbit things. My new place is smaller.

To not exclude rabbits from my life, because rabbits are so important to me. I’ve decided to buy a plush satin lop and have a pet rabbit one that I can love and these rabbits are so mellow that I can use it in school as a therapy rabbit. I’m sad to be ending this part of my life. Seems like my whole life is Changing so much. This is one of those hardest times. The tough decision to do the right thing is never easy.