On the run……

Back when I was taken me and my brother, the police did not see it as kidnapping. They told my mom that our dad had taken us on vacation and that we would be back soon. My mom knew that was not the case. Our dad took our passports including my mom’s so that she could not follow us. She searched and my grandfather hired a private investigator to find us.

What I find so crazy about this was we were right under my mom’s nose when she came looking for us at our dads parents home. My mom went there and demanded her in laws to tell her where we were. They lied and said they had not seen us. We were stashed at the neighbours house. My poor mother she was so close to finding us but so far away. Our dad he freaked out and left his Parents home and fled to Ireland. Again we were up rooted and brought to a strange country. I did hear shortly after moving to Ireland our dad met a woman who worked in a preschool who helped our dad out and looked after my brother and I. She later would become my stepmom.

That’s how my brother and I ended up in Ireland. We lived there for 12 years with no contact with our mom. I was so young I had no memory of her. I did know she existed as our dad told me why he left and she was an unfit mother. That makes me laugh because he was way more unfit. He would tell us that he did it because he loved us. Really because our lives were hellish and we were definitely not looked after.

My mom had to go on with her life without her children. I can’t imagine how she felt but she never forgot us. It was torture for her without her children. The only thing she could do was hope that we were being loved and looked after. My mom is an amazing woman that she could survive the loss of her children for 12 years.

The next part of the story may be hard and tough to read but it’s true facts I won’t go into huge details because it’s a lot to go through. It’s amazing despite the abuse how we both survived to talk about it and how it’s taken a long time for me to get to where I am today.

Counting your blessings…

There is so much to be grateful for in our lives. I have realized that if you blink your life can pass you by quickly . This past Thursday and Friday night I spent time with my dad when my mom went away for her respite care. I came and did respite for my dad. I had not been in 6 months. That’s a long time especially when he has dementia. I noticed things we take for granted he can not do. Simple tasks no longer are simple for him. Where I noticed it hugely was when I met my mom and dad when I was out on Wednesday. My dad just followed my mom and I’m not sure he knew who I was. He was super quiet and detached.

It’s so hard to watch what dementia is doing to him. I feel sad and have shed a bunch of tears this weekend. My dad had a job he was so successful at and he managed a whole fleet of people. He was so outgoing and intelligent. If it had not being for him in my life I never would have been so successful in my own life. He’s not my real father by blood but he’s my dad in every way. He’s loved me and protected me and been there for me no matter what. I love him very much. I hate what dementia is doing to him and my family. My mom is slowly losing her husband and the man we knew.

Even though this is hard I love spending time with my dad and helping him and being with him. He’s got a great sense humor and he loves with his whole heart. On Friday night we watched America’s funniest videos and he loves animals so it was great to hear him laughing. I brought him a couple of magazines and his favorite one was 100 of the best photos of 2021. Everytime he picked it up out was new to him. So each time I would react like it was the first time I had seen it. Even the smallest things count so much. On Saturday morning I could not shake him out of the mode he was in so I went along with it. Whatever makes him happy. His whole life he’s been in the restaurant business. His dad owned a restaurant in Winnipeg called Ellett’s restaurant and my dad worked there from an early age. My dad had always worked with food in some way and he was in charge of all the food at BC ferries at one time before he retired. So he thought we were running a hotel he kept counting the beds in the house and saying that it was really sad it was just the two of us for breakfast. He asked how we were going to keep making money. He was so excited to make me breakfast. He eats bran flakes everyday and he cuts banana in a unique way and puts it on top. He made me some and he was so happy. I watched him as he made it and I realized that it’s all routine he’s done this over and over in his life that’s why he can remember some things and not others.

He thought I was a guest at the hotel. He has a lot of people who come and look after him when my mom goes out so he was looking for them. He often tells me that his home is not his but when I tell him it is his home he then remembers that it is. My mom has lots of photos all over the house for him to look at and as soon as he sees them he knows who they are and where they are. Visual is so important. So each time I’m with him I count those blessings and are blessed to spend time with him. ❤️

Writing my memoirs

I know one of my other posts I said I was ready to continue my memoirs. My counselor and I discussed the roadblocks that continually come up and she asked me why I wanted to write them. Originally I wanted to write them to expose the people who hurt me. Then after forgiving them both I wanted people to know that no matter what you’ve gone through in your life that there is Hope and Redemption. I still feel that but I’m not wanting to write my memoirs in book form. To protect my identity which I would have to do and the stress of writing seems to defeat the purpose of writing.

I started writing it on my blog and I love that idea because I already encourage others with what I write. It also pulls off all that pressure from me and a blog is less threatening to me. On my blog I can choose who reads my blog yes it’s public but my name is not on it. I love my blog community so I’m going to write my memoirs on here. The way I started writing them is different then how I usually write but it’s a very different piece of writing. One of my friends told me that writing is not all about books anymore and blogs are what lots of people read.

This pulls so much pressure off me and I can still write the story about my life and people can still feel that hope and encouragement. The title of my blog ” BEAUTY FROM ASHES” is the title I wanted for the book. I was a little girl who came from a horrific past the ashes to a beautiful woman who God healed.  Isaiah 61:3 “…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. Beauty from Ashes. … What a beautiful verse.

I want my readers to know that life was tough for me but through the Lord I was restored. In this day and age there is so much dispair, addiction and hopelessness. The pendemic made it worse. There is a way out and there is that Hope. I lived it and had to make hard decisions and choices in my life, but I am who I am today because of my past. This is a story about a young girl the obstacles she had. How she survived and how God walked with her throughout it all. This girl is a survivor, she found people who walked along side her and guided her through. As you come along side me I pray that God is the one glorified in this story.

Little girl…….

Little girl safe and warm in the arms of her mom. She’s loved and cared for. She’s young so that’s all she knows. She laughs and is starting to learn about the world around her. At one and a half you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.

All of a sudden your world is turned upside down. The woman you know as mom is suddenly gone. You recognize your dad and your brother but lose that one form of attachment you ever knew.

You cry a lot but nobody hears or seems to care. You snuggle up as close as you can to your older brother who is five and a half.

Your scared why all of a sudden is life so different. You get on a plane with your dad and your brother and it’s a long flight all day.

You end up at another person house and hear lots of loud voices. You feel scared and who are these people you don’t reconize them. You’ve never seen them. They seem cold and detached just your dad. You try to get his attention and he seems frustrated lots so as a young girl you learn quickly crying gets you nowhere.

Why are you here? Where is your mom? Nothing you have is your own everything is new. Why do you feel so alone even though your with your dad and your brother? Your brother is quiet, he’s never been quiet before.

Nothing is the same your scared of loud voices and this man and woman who are helping look after us. All you want as a little girl is to have someone tell you they love you and it’s gonna be ok.

One day we move again we get on a boat and we head away from where we were living. I don’t why but my dad is really tense and we just go along with him.

When you’re that young you have no idea what is happening but you do know you’ve lost the one person you loved and trusted. You have no choice but to go alone with what is happening to you.

Years later you find out you were kidnapped from your mom and you have no idea whether you will see her again.

Thankfulness

This weekend in Canada it’s Thanksgiving here. I love this time of year so much to be thankful for. In the night the fog rolls in and it’s cooler outside. The leaves are changing colors yellows, reds and oranges. Autumn walks through the leaves that crunch under your feet when you walk through them. Leaves piled up high for children to jump and hide in. Sweaters and fires cracking in the fireplaces. Warm blankets to cozy up with and your favorite books on rainy days. Good food with family and friends. Laughter filling the air with turkey and pumpkin pies.

This year I’m so thankful that my job was continued at my school. It’s changed a bit for now but I love teaching, using laughter and helping this children learn and grow. My job is the best even if tough sometimes. Yesterday one of our kindies said that he was so angry that he was on fire. Ha ha kids say the darnest things. I’m so thankful for the teacher I get to work with. Her heart and soul are with those children. She’s really listening to how they feel about certain things and is not rushing them. She’s meeting their needs not her own. I love her calm way she is with every child. I’m blessed.

I’m thankful for my family and that I can hang out with my dad when my mom needs respite care for her. I love my dad so much. Dementia is hard to watch as it strips you of your memories now. I will take as many days as I can now. I love walking on the beach and finding different rocks and laughing with my dad. I’ve gone through some trials with my family this year but even though it was hard it’s growth for us all.

I’m so thankful for all the awesome amazing friends I have in my life. I have many awesome people. Thank you for always been there for me and guiding me and encouraging me. I could not do this life without you. ❤️I’m thankful for all my American friends whom I’ve not seen in two years because of Covid. They are part of my family know that even if I’m not there I’m thinking about each of you.

I’m so thankful for my aunt Claire she’s a woman after my own heart. She understands me so well and we have lots in common and I love her spirit and who she is to do many. I’m thankful for my new counselor she’s awesome. New is hard for me but new is growth and she’s great.

I’m thankful for my new home and that I can have my dog Zeke and Jonas my rabbit with me. My new home is beautiful and I have a beautiful garden. I’ve been blessed living here. My new Landlords are awesome and I’m enjoying getting to know them.

I’m so Thankful for the relationship I have with the Lord. I love how it just grows and grows. I still get really excited about spending time with Him. He’s my comforter, He gives me that inner peace I feel often and He gives me that encouragement to reach out to others. He looks after me and He’s always there for me no matter what. So many blessings and so much to be thankful for.

What are you thankful for today? What blessings do you have in your life?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE 🦃🍁🍁🙂❤️

Little girl lost

Little girl who is lost in this big huge world.

Nobody to love her,

Nobody to look out for her.

Who will she turn too and trust when she’s scared.

How come nobody loves her, she’s a beautiful blonde haired girl.

She fades into the background, hoping that nobody notices her.

She’s like a shadow that people just pass by.

Will anybody notice her, will they reach out and love her.

All she wants is someone to smile at her to let her know it will be ok.

At school the children don’t ever seen to notice her, she fades in the background even at school.

The children make fun of her because she’s awkward, her clothes are old and ragged.

She keeps her head down eye contact makes it harder.

Finally a lady who had
cerebral palsy reaches out and smiles. The children make fun of her how she walks. The girl looks for her each day she makes me feel better even for a moment.

This woman makes school a better place. She works at the school library. This lady Mrs. Baker introduces the girl to reading.

Reading is the best escape and those stories give the girl hope that there is a better life out there.

The adventures in reading and stories is so good. The lost girl feels like this woman really cares and the stories are so much better then her life.

Imagination is amazing and it fills up all the voids in the girls life. Imagination and fantasy keep the little girl alive one more day one more year.

Miracles still do happen…..

Eight months ago the same day my friend Sue her husband died, my friend Elicia Brown had a brain aneurism. She was singing with Ce Ce Winnins when she had this horrific headache. I did not find out until a few days after when her family was asking for prayer. I was grieving Bruce. I’m glad I didn’t find out until a few later. She had two big growths in her brain one was the size of a grapefruit and the other the size of a lemon.

She had both removed and was in a coma for almost two weeks. Most people with the same aneurysm as Lici have died. The longer she was in the coma the less chance of survival. I know Lici from Beth Moore she’s part of her worship team. I met Lici at a conference in NC about 20 years. The first time I heard her sing wow she’s a powerhouse and I’ve watched her career in singing explode. She’s a very talented singer and she knows people all over the world. People who didn’t even know her but heard her singing at Beth Moore conferences they all band together to pray for Lici. Her family were overwhelmed by the response and she came out of the coma at two weeks and she worked so hard in physical therapy and rehab. Everyday but by bit she got better. For months on end I played the song that I put down below for you to listen to. She will tell you that many who had the same stroke as her do not survive. This woman’s story is not one yet. She’s a miracle. Miracles still do come true.

Today I listened to a live with her and she talks about how hard this has been for her. She can’t sing yet but her neurologist told her that she will have a full recovery. It will take time but everyday I see her stronger and stronger. It’s hard also because her daughter is living with her ex husband far away from her. Last week was the first time she saw her daughter since this happened. I bet that was the most incredible reunion. Every day Lici gets stronger. I love that she will have a full recovery. Thank you Lord for her life. Pray with me as she continues to recover and slowly get her life back as it once was. Enjoy this song it’s one of my favorites.

Watch “”Ain’t No Grave / Alive Forever Amen” // Travis Cottrell feat. Elicia Brown // Live” on YouTube. https://youtu.be/XmrLgmN3ssA

Giving back to others

Today I took a professional development day to listen to a panel of indigenous people talk about their experiences working with children and their families. I was very touched by each of their stories. I love how much I’m learning and keep learning from these amazing people. It’s hard to hear how about how they were changed or made fun of for having brown eyes. It’s hard to hear how they were treated. I love their courage to be able to speak out and tell their stories and help us understand their language and culture. Each story was unique.

One of the guys spoke about still working with the children and teaching them about cultures and learning and teaching them their language and his face and whole body lit up when he talked about the children. The children teach him everyday and he teaches them. Towards the end of the session this man told us that he was part of the residential school and how he had been stripped of everything in his culture. When he came home his mom spoke no English and how he had to learn his language and culture again. He became an Early childhood educator because his childhood was stolen from him and he wanted to make sure that that never happened to any child again.

His story really hit home for me and as I was driving today I keep thinking about what this man said. I realized that this indigenous man is changing lives of children and families he works with everyday. He took his past that had been ripped from him and he turned out into something every beautiful. He talked about watching these children grow up and learn in healthy environments.

I realized that he used his truama from his life to bring something lovely to children now. He’s an advocate for all the children who are in his care. Why it touched my heart so much is that’s exactly what I’ve done with my life and my past. I became an Early childhood educator because of not wanting children to ever endure what I did as a child. I stand up for those who cannot speak out for themselves. That would be our precious children. I lost my childhood but I can help those children that come every day to school. I can make them laugh and make them feel comfortable and trust me that I will help them.

Love is medicine no matter who it comes from. Make sure that whether you work with children at school, Daycare or your own children let them know you love them, and that they can be whomever they want and that through kindness and love we can change children’s lives one life at a time. ❤️

God’s timing

Sometimes it seems like we have to wait really long for things we want or it never seems like the right time. Sometimes we pray for things that never seem to come to pass. It’s not that God has forgotten us it’s just not the right timing. God often uses what we are waiting for His glory.

For a long time I was writing my memoirs. They are really hard to write and I’ve written a lot but then I stopped. I’ve put them out of my mind until today I feel I’m supposed to continue writing them. I feel huge peace about this decision which always means that it’s God’s timing. My memoirs are written really raw because you can’t pretty up abuse.

I have found over the years it’s easier for me to blog then write about my life. I do love writing so I would appreciate prayers. I will blog alongside writing and maybe I will give you snippets of what I’m writing. This is God’s story He’s just used me to tell it. I would appreciate prayers from all of you. Thanks.

Trusting God financially…..

This summer was very challenging for me because I did not paid by Employment insurance. I live in one of the very expensive cities and how do you live with no money. I work for the school district so I’m off during the summer. Every summer I work with a boy who has special needs. This year I didn’t do that because I was packing and moving into a new home. All summer I phoned EI to find out why I had not been paid. My application was never processed every time I called. It was not until the last week before school started I got a phone call from a case worker telling me that I couldn’t get EI because my social insurance number was inactive. How could it be inactive when I have a full time job, I’ve collected WCB and money when Covid was here. They told me that it only gets flagged when you collect EI or get a student loan. I needed to get it activated again in order to collect the money.

I had to keep trusting God the whole time that I would get the money that was owed to me. Good thing I moved from a house to a much smaller place because I had to sell a lot of things. I think I met half of my city selling things. It seemed never ending but that money helped me to be able to buy food and gas. Larry he paid all my rent for two months which was great of him. I was so thankful for that. My church gave me money and so did a couple of my friends. My old neighbour he gave me a place to stay while my place was still getting built and he and his wife have become family to me. I don’t know what I would do without them both in my life.

I kept my faith in God and was able to start a home business selling some amazing products that are good for our planet. It’s a company that gets rid of all Chemicals we use in our homes and their products are good and natural. It’s called Norwex. Such a great company. This company provided me with money and I got cheques from different things to help out. Something always came when I needed it. I’m so blessed to have amazing people in my life who care about me and love me.

After I got my sin activated I then had to have a big interview for them to make sure that I was who I said I was. An investigor called me and asked me questions about me. She was a really caring compassionate lady. I have to say every person I’ve talked to from EI were awesome. I’ve chatted with many of them. On Friday I finally got some money from them. Seems like I’m back in the processing stage with my claim because I didn’t realize that doing my Norwex business means I’m self employed. I just do it for fun because I love the products and its not a serious business venture. Ha ha I’d be seriously poor if I had to run this as my only job.

Even though this summer was really tough financially I’m so glad that I trusted God to provide the funds I needed to survive. Thank you to all of you that have helped me along the way. I so appreciate each and everyone of you. 🙂