This morning I heard a sermon on forgiveness. That is a hard thing to do. It used to trip me up often because how do you forgive people that hurt you so much. It took me a while to realize that when you forgive people, your not forgiving them for all the hurt you’ve been through. You are releasing yourself so that they can’t hurt you anymore.
I used to hate the people who hurt me and when I saw my heart it was black that’s what I would tell people. I wanted them to suffer like I had suffered. That hate gave power to addiction. It also gave power to me to hate myself. Both very destructive.
A dear friend of mine reminded me that God was with me when I had called out to him as a child. I always thought God didn’t care about me as things never changed in my life. Sometimes they seemed worse. We went for a walk one day in the wilderness and prayed. As we prayed I saw Jesus in the room where I was He was right beside me as a child. I had believed that Jesus had abandoned me. I also prayed that God would forgive me for holding that hate in my heart. All of it came weeping out.
It was December in the high desert in Oregon and the sun beamed on our faces as we knelt on the dusty trail. Usually it would have been snowing at that time is the year. I love the scenery in the high desert we were surrounded by Sage bushes and trees that twisted around each other. The altitude is higher then I’m used to. So before we stopped and prayed I had this headache. I live down at sea level so my body was not used to it. My friend’s two dogs were with us. One an older dog the other a young puppy.
Still weeping on my knees I forgave all the people who had hurt me and there was many. I felt like I would never stop crying. I thanked the Lord for keeping me safe in all the times I was put in danger but most all for never leaving me no matter what. Just because I couldn’t see Him didn’t mean he protected me. I had forgotten my friend was with me. Time stood still and when I opened my eyes wow I felt transformed. I stood up straight and felt so light on my feet. I felt love in my heart and it was no longer black, in fact the blood run freely in my heart. I had no headache and I started to feel that love in my heart for myself the love that JESUS felt for me.
Even though forgiveness was the hardest thing I had to do, it was the best thing I’ve ever done. This year I’m coming up to 9 years of sobriety. So when the pastor was talking about forgiveness today, I was beaming because things are very different today because I trusted the Lord. ✝️
Beauty from Ashes. 