Author: walking in freedom

It’s been 9 weeks since my dad passed away. In some ways it feels like so much longer. The last time I saw him was December 8th for a Christmas lunch at the care home where he was. A week later he passed away. He didn’t look good when I last saw him and he was fading. He woke up for about 15 minutes that afternoon and seemed very confused. I hope that when I kissed him on his forehead and told him that I loved him, that he knew I was there. That was the last time I saw him.

Grief is hard but something that I must go through. I used to think that feeling would kill me. When I had numbed life before. Now grief hurts but what I’ve have noticed from it, is it produces lots of good memories. I was with my mom yesterday we talked about my dad and grief. I wish I could just hug my dad one more time. He gave the best hugs.

A friend gave me this chocolate bear for Valentine’s Day and when I took it out of the box, tears rolled down my face. My dad had a bear like this and the next size up one. My mom gave them to him. His nickname for my mom was Bear. He would never eat them in fact for up to a year or so they were on the table light right beside where he ate his meals. They faced him on the lamp and when you’d all him if he wanted to eat them. He’d tell you no they were his buddies.

So much of what my dad taught me I have remembered. He taught me so many things that I can take into my life forever. Buying my first car he hid his car around the corner because of they knew him and his wife both had Toyota’s, I wouldn’t get a good price. This was my car not theirs. Yup it worked. He told me that if we had to leave that I needed to follow his lead no matter how I felt.

One time driving home in hit a deer in one is the dark roads near my house. I was mortified and drove home. It pulled off the plastic piece on my car so the next day my dad took out the deer fur and crazy glued it back together. He often crazy glued things back together or used his duct tape.

He was a wise man he helped me with many things. If I had a problem he always knew how to help me with it. Sometimes I didn’t like his answer but I saw that it made total sense. He was a problem solver and he protected me.  As I said before he loved me so much and I him. I miss him very much. I hope that my memories of him never fade. Until we meet again. ❤️

Today I went on my dad’s favorite walk down to the beach. I remembered every part of that walk as I’ve walked out many times with him. The only thing that was different was some of the last times we went they were building a new house and today I saw it has been built. It’s actually a very cute home. I passed the home that has the fancy cars in it and my dad would always tell me yup they got money to burn. When I got down to the beach I sat down at a picnic bench that was in the sun. When my dad would get tired we would sit on the bench on the other side and watch the people. Today there was tons of dogs. He would have loved watching them play.

It was such an amazing day when though the wind was cool, the sun beat down on my face. The cool air with the sun was refreshing. I walked down the beach not the side we usually walked but the other side and I sat on a log until I felt chilly. I found a rock one of dozen ones I have at home that he loved to pick up for me. In the silence I could hear the conversations we’d have. He knew that beach so well. How many times had he walked it with his loved ones or with people that came to keep him company during the week.

It was such a clear day that not only could I see Mt. Baker but also the  Olympic mountains. I’ve not seen both sets in a long time. Way off in the distance was a sailboat. The ducks were enjoying the sun as well. It was a glorious day. It was so peaceful that I felt so close to my dad. I loved being in his favorite place. Made me feel close to him. What a glorious day even though it was a bit chilly out of the sun.

As I sat on the picnic bench in the sun listening to the birds sing, dogs barking in the distance and a flag nearby flapping in the wind. There is something about this beach. The picnic table had a plaque on it. The plaque was about another person who loved this beach as well and the table was dedicated to their mom. A place where her family could still meet. I think of how many people have come and sat and enjoyed this part of the beach on Agate Lane.

The peace I felt in my soul was amazing. I could feel my dad all around me. I wanted to stay forever. I will definitely go back and walk more and go down the other end of the beach. For today I just went as far as I could. I miss walking, talking and laughing with my dad. I hope that’s he’s walking along the beach in heaven with his mom and dad and others who knew him.

I found a piece of driftwood and a rock the kind he often picked up for me to put in my pocket. I have a bowl outside my door of all the rocks he’s given me in all the years. It was good to go back to the place he loved with all of his heart. I’ve not gone back since he passed away. Until the next time I go. 🐚

I know Grief is part of living but it’s a part of life that I hate. I hate losing people that I love and not being able to see them. When you first lose someone they are on your mind lots. I realized when I’m busy at work and come home I’m too tired to think much about it. As soon as my body slows down then the grief creeps back in. It’s real and it’s raw. I miss my dad’s hugs and his stories and his smile. He was full of wisdom that I hear in my mind when I think of different things.

Then I feel angry that he had to have dementia and we had to watch him slip away with not remembering or getting stuck in things. Dementia is horrible no matter who it happens to. My dad has vascular dementia and he had it for 5 years. I still think of the times we spent together when my mom needed a weekend away. Even though sometimes they were hard they were some amazing times that we spent just the two of us.

As I said before my step dad was my real dad in my life. He stepped into a role of fatherhood when my brother and I came to live with him and my mom. Things were not always easy but he was always there no matter what. He was someone I could go to and talk to him about anything.

My dad loved the beach and it was his happy place. If he would get agitated we would head to the beach. In the summer we would watch the kids playing. My dad often wandered over to them and chat. He loved watching all the people, especially the dogs. We would walk for hours and sometimes would just sit on a log and watch the whole world go by. He would pick up rocks and shells. Many of them I have in a bowl outside of my house.

I have a friend who makes pieces of driftwood with sea glass on it with shells and I’m going to buy one as a reminder of my dad and the love for the beach. In his younger days he would swim for long periods in the ocean. He loved swimming. When he owned his own boat be would swim off it. He loved doing that.

All I have now is my memories of him. It’s been a long month since he passed away. He’s missed massively by all who knew him, especially me. ❤️