Author: walking in freedom

This past week I felt sad with the rest of the world about Matthew Perry and his sudden death. I had watched the entire 10 seasons of Friends during Covid and had grown up with Friends like many of us had. I cried when he had died. I loved him as Chandler Bing on friends because he was funny. I was so glad he got to go to the Friends Reunion even though he was struggling on there. I heard last year he had written a memoir about his life and how hard he had struggled with addiction. He wanted to shed light on addiction.

Those of is who have been caught in addiction know that it breeds in darkness. It’s a darkness that seems like it’s never ending and you feel like your in hell. I decided to download the audible of Matthew Perry called Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing. He reads the audible version and wow its been very enlightening. It’s also very tough to read at times.

As I’ve listened this week, I realized that some of the things he’s experienced in his life I understood exactly how it felt and it drew me back into where I struggled with addiction. The feeling like you never belonged no matter what you did. That lonely feeling wishing that your family paid attention to you and feeling like you never got into your family. The feelings of abandonment and rejection and the shame that you felt almost like you were drowning.

Trauma messes up your brain so much and you drop people before they drop you so you don’t feel that rejection all over again. Matthew Perry talked about the holes you felt often and how nothing could fill them up and for him only pills and alcohol could do that. The more he ran the more he got trapped in addiction and how many times he had to go to rehab. Those places just take you off the drugs but never got into why you started in the first place.

I wrote in my memoirs about me in addiction but not thought about it in a long time especially when I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. It’s hard for me to talk about even though I’ve not drank in 30 years. The years I did it so much I just don’t remember but I was out of control. I related to a lot of how Matthew felt. I was so shy that if I didn’t drink then I was a basket case all evening if we ever went out and if guys were there it made it worse. I had liquid courage and you felt like you fit with everyone you met and I have a really good sense of humor so it would come out more and people laughed out made you feel good.

I was really surprised how much I could relate to what Matthew was saying in his memoirs. I started drinking for the same reasons he started. I also had friends that helped me even though I thought I was hiding it well. It all catches up with you though. Thank goodness I never did drugs but when I felt God took my alcoholism away and I still did not deal with my past I just went into addiction.

I hate that Matthew had to go through all of this in his life, but one thing he did say was if he died he wanted people to know that he helped others in addiction. Not to just be remembered for his role on friends. He had started turning his life around and really helping people stop addiction in a rehab he developed. In one of his homes he turned out into a rehab program. People were staying sober because it was more than just drying out. Yes if you don’t get to the root of your addiction why you started on the first place you will continue in other addictions.

For me I had to lean solely on the Lord and He became the thing I needed to fill in the holes in my life. I had to go to counseling and talk about hard things and the worse part how to feel. I had a counsel who told me that nobody ever died from feeling. It was so hard because I numbed out those feelings. I had lots of support and even though I’ve thanked many of my counselers. One helped me over and above in her practice.

I could not have changed my life like I did without her. She was tough and I needed tough because I could and knew all the ways to get around everything. One of the things I had promised myself was always to tell someone when I fell. That was really hard but that stopped the secrets and that addiction was brought into the light. Addiction tries to stay hidden and it’s easy to hide until its not.

I’m still listening to the memoirs and I’m really glad I decided to listen. Yes even though it’s really hard sharing our stories are so important. I think of our opioid crisis right now, worse then it’s ever been. These people are someone’s children. They often don’t get help or get lost in our system. I’m lucky that I have had people who never gave up on me and showed me that I am worth it. I hardly ever feel shame or rejection which I’m so greatful for.

If you can listen to Matthew Perry’s memoirs I would highly recommend it and read about his legacy. May he rest in peace.

Thank you for everyone who has helped me over the years and Believing in me when I couldn’t do it myself. Loving me where I couldn’t sell that love and for sticking by me no matter what. This is why I wrote my memoirs on my blog. I need to finish them.

Thanks to all my readers who listened to me sharing the hardest parts of my life. We need to keep sharing our stories and through that pain is healing. ♥️

Went to an awesome conference last Saturday it was on Grief and Hope. I’ve been struggling lately and felt stuck with so much grief in my life. Grief of any kind can be tough and it seems to compound when more is packed on. I think of grief in layers that you peel back. You work on it feels better more comes you peel or back and continue to work on it. I didn’t have the money to attend the conference so one of the pastors from my church said my church would fund it so I could go. That was very kind of them and I’m so glad I went. It has helped me feel lighter this past week.

I know from issues or things in my life even if it’s hard, it’s good to talk about what is bothering you. Grief shed into the light one helps keep it from being in darkness and it helps others around you understand more of what is going on. They talked about hope leaning into it and reading the Psalms helps with a range of emotions, responses and experiences. How the psalms meet us in our stories. How there are lament psalms about loss and suffering. How trusting God in all of it. He is in control. Christ shares our suffering and how He wept with his friends. Then how there is resurrected Hope and again through the psalms of Thanksgiving.

We need to share our stories with others so that people are encouraged and given hope. This is the biggest reason why I write my blog. Our pain yes it’s difficult when we go through it, but I know that it shapes us and that pain is turned into hope.

I so appreciate all the hard work from the people who put this conference together especially our pastor . The week before she lost her dad and then did this conference. I know I was encouraged so much along with others. Grief will come and go but out of that I see so much to be thankful for.

This past Friday I went to an amazing workshop. I had a pro D day at school. She was phenomenal. I’ve taken a lot of work shops in truama and I know a lot about this topic. I continue to go so that I can be the best person in my classroom. So I know there are a lot of children that have trauma in their lives but the statics now wow are 60 – 70% of children showing up with emotional issues. No wonder our classrooms are hard and teachers are burning out.

Angela Murray was the speaker she’s also a writer of children’s books and she used to be a teacher and now is a counselor. She obviously had trauma in her life because she was real and raw and she knows. She started off by saying that we are all magic and that we can build magic relationships with our students. You’ve heard me say before that I’m drawn to the students that need lots of help and those that just need to know that you love them no matter what. I was one of those students so I understand and I understand why they push you away first so that they don’t get hurt. They don’t want to push you away but it’s to try and stop getting hurt yet again.

She talked about building relationships with children who have truama. I always tell people that if they don’t trust you, you have nothing. I use humor in my classroom a lot because children with trauma don’t smile much. The child in my class that often would scowl at me or put their tongue out at me. We were in the sensory room and they were standing behind me and they were breathing heavily. I asked them are you Darth Vader? They smiled because they knew who he was. Then this very simple game came out of that where I heard this child laugh. I had never heard them laugh in fact they giggled. That was the start of that trust relationship and now this child smiles when they see me and tells me that they love me and blows me kisses when they are going home.

Trust is not always that simple. It can take time and patience. It was a good reminder for me to remember that when a child is elevated that telling them what they need to do is not the right time. They also cannot learn anything because they are in survival brain and that nothing else matters. I’m going to create a calming kit for some of the children in my classroom when they feel that out of control feeling. Angela also talked about breathing and how this helps calm down your nervous system.

I’m going to look into getting Angela’s books for our school. So great for Students with big emotions.

https://www.angelamurphyauthor.ca/wonder-pup

Remember no matter what you do in your life that you are magic.

Before each school year starts I pray about the children who will come to my kindergarten. We’ve never met these children or their families so we have no idea who these children are.

I realized after school started that every year I have a child with truama in my class. I always Believe that things don’t just happen for no reason and that each one of these children are placed just where they are supposed to be.

Having had severe truama in my life I know and understand these children very well. This year is no different. I told my teacher that I’m going to give this child so much love. We already know that love changes everything.

One of the reasons I wanted to work in a school was because school for me was my safe place. Teachers were kind to me and I found people in my life whom I could trust. I loved school so much and hated holidays when they came around. One of my favorite places to be is in the library. That’s where I found a love of reading. When I went on those adventures I didn’t have to think about how horrible my life was. I could dream big in adventures.

Trust is huge and if you don’t have trust with a child you don’t have anything. Children who have truama in their lives often are really serious. Slowly I’ve been able to get this child to laugh. I find humor a good way to break the ice. It also builds that trust and consistency.

I love that the child I worked with last year every time they see me they come up and give me a huge hug. I love that. Once you build that trust they are more responsive to what you want for them.

I really love my class this year. It’s really cool to hear the conversations that kindergarteners have. I also have an amazing teacher who includes me in everything in our class. I feel that love that our children feel. I’m feeling blessed.

Before every school year I pray for the children that we get in our classroom. Every since I started in my school that was 4 years ago. God has brought me just the right child. Everyone of them has had trauma in their lives. It wasn’t until this year that I realized God brings these children into my life for a reason. He knows that because they had a traumatic childhood, that I understand and give care and compassion to these children.

Not only do I care but I understand so many things about trauma. Trauma is ugly no matter how you slice it but I do know that love is the way to conquer it. Love and being there no matter what and trust. I see myself in each one of these children. It’s hard for me to see and hear the stories. This year is no exception. I told my teacher that I was going to love this child so much.

I see them fighting because that’s the only thing that they can control in their lives and that is a survival thing. If we didn’t fight we’d never survive. I remember doing the exact same thing fighting with all my worth. Children with trauma often get sick more easily. I see that I’m me as well.

It about broke my heart to hear about the child in my class. I wanted to just pick them up and hug them forever. So young and seen so many things that we know from trauma that you get stuck in age where it started. So much loss and rejection even when your young you feel that. This child has only survived because one person in their lives has stepped into the gap for them.

Even though it’s very difficult this person loves them so much and is the only consistent person in their lives. You only need one person in your life to change how your life will be. I’m so touched with this story. I’ve started praying for them all and my goal this year is to show love ❤️ and trust.

So even though I find it difficult I realized that God brings me just the right child for our class and no matter what our where they have come from I need to be there for them. I’m working this year with a very compassionate teacher. She’s so soft spoken and patient and loves each one of her students.

I was thinking the other day that she would have been a teacher I wished I had as a kid. She cares so much. I’m looking forward to seeing what God does this year in our class. ❤️

1 Corinthians 13:8 says

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Love never fails. I love that. It’s been a really tough couple of days for me. Emotionally I feel fragile. Today I’m reminded of so many great memories of who my dad is to me in my life. I have a collection of rocks that on many walks to the beach I was given. I have a whole entire bowl of rocks I collected on so many beach walks.

My very last walk with my dad I found this heart leaf and I knew it was a sign that no matter where my dad is or where he’s at in his life. I know I am loved. ❤️

Today I wrote down things we have done together and the great memories I have of him. He doesn’t remember any of them but I do know in his heart that he will always love me. I was scared I was losing him. Instead we will make new memories and I look forward to the day that I can visit with him.

His life may be different but he’s still nearby and I still visit him and I still can show him how much I love him. I was there on the weekend helping my mom and packing up his things. He found one of boat books and he began to show me how beautiful and great and old these boats were. He loved boats. Him and mom had 3 of them. He loved adventure and hiking and just being out in nature. He often told me about his adventures before he was married and when he was with my mom. My mom has lots of photo albums with all their adventures.

He taught me about love and how to love others and he shaped me into who I am today. Pray for him and my mom as they transition into a whole different way of life. I love that he thinks of me as one of his favorite people he’s definitely one of mine. That’s how I know that love never fails. ❤️

Grieving comes all different forms and will be a big part of our lives as we live on this earth from time to time. I used to stuff down those feelings and I realised if you don’t let them out they will come back and come out in not so good ways. I also realized that grief will often bring up other grief in our lives even though we have grieved that person.

I’m feeling sad these days and I’m grieving even though my dad is still alive. I’m grieving that loss of relationship. I am slowly watching dementia take a man I love. I see less and less of him and more and more of dementia. I see it taking the relationship my mom has with him.

I’ve been shedding lots of tears and I feel those emotions very close to the surface. This transition is so very hard. I know he’s going to a good place and will be well looked after. I can’t imagine him not at his home. I spent yesterday with both my mom and my dad and watching how each week the dementia taking more and more of my dad. It makes him older and even though I still see my dad in there, that change is more and more recognizable.

It brings up all the hard losses I’ve experienced this year. I miss my friend Wendy so very much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I’ve shed a lot of tears. My old counselor she told me that if I never loved people then I would never experience the love that I feel In my heart now. Love is awesome, love is hard and love can be painful. Even though it’s really hard I wouldn’t have missed these opportunities for anything.

I would appreciate prayers for my family especially my mom during this transition. Thank you 🙏❤️🙂

Those who have read my memoirs know that the dad who gave birth to me never knew what it was like to love and protect his daughter. Just because he’s a blood relative doesn’t mean he’s a good dad. Yes I’ve forgiven him not for how he treated me for 12 years but because I needed to be free from him. To me he’s just a guy I once knew.

When I met my mom for the very first time she was married to a man whom I loved immediately. He’s been my dad since I moved here as a teenager, and I love him very much. He’s the dad I always dreamed about and I’m so blessed to have him in my life. He showed me what love was all about. He wrote a lot of papers for me in high school and he was always there for me no matter what.

My dad has vascular dementia and each time I visit him he deteriorates more and more. I hate watching the man I love disappear. I see glimers of him in there. He still reconizes and knows who I am and I love spending time with him. Last week I hung out with him when my mom needed to go out and we went for a walk and he told me that he wanted to show me his special place. It’s in behind the townhouses where they live and there is a pond with a water thing in the middle of it. He showed me every inch of it. I’ve been there before but not with him. I treasured every moment I spend with him.

A lot of the time he talks about things that make no sense but I always listen to him. Today I went over because my mom said she was sad because my dad’s two sisters came to visit him. He didn’t recognize them he’s not seen them in about 15 months. I watch him on Tuesday with them and he smiled and enjoyed their company. It’s like his heart knew who they were. In fleeting moments he would comment things about them that were so lovely.

Today we sat outside and he talked the whole time about the trees that are planted outside how they were different sizes and how they grew. He loves trees and humming birds that come to the feeder. He talks about the trees a lot.

Thursday we found a placement for him to go to. My mom can’t look after him he needs more than what we can give him. It’s the same place that my grandpa lived at for 5 years. The workers faces lit up when they heard my mom’s last name. They talked about how much they missed my grandpa. They still have a photo of him and another resident in the nurses station. Wow how cool is that.

Sept 19th my dad will go to a facility until a placement comes up where we want him to go to. I know this is what is best for him but it’s so hard to wrap my head around this. I’m grieving the loss of my dad even though he’s still here. I can’t imagine going to my parents home and not seeing him there. He’s part of that home. Yes I can go visit him but it’s not the same. I feel like everyday I lose a piece more of him.

No matter what happens he’s still my dad and I still love him with all of my heart ♥️. I’ve been so blessed to have him in my life. He never had children of his own but he took in my brother and I and we became a family. I’m planning on spending as much time with him now before he goes into care. It’s the toughest on my mom. This is her soul mate and having to put him in care is heartbreaking for her. Please pray for our family including my dad. He’s not going to understand why he’s there. He’s only ever been away from my mom for a week.

It’s hard enough having aging parents without watching them struggle with dementia or other life threatening things. Make sure you hug your family tonight because life is short and you never know can happen.

I’m still the luckiest woman in the world I would not trade the years I’ve had with my dad. This transition will be an adjustment for all of us but I plan to be there every step of this one. Thank you B you are an amazing man and you are loved by many especially me. ❤️

Today at church our last song we sang was called Beauty for Ashes. Well I had no idea that their was a song about that. I named my blog Beauty from Ashes because I came from ashes until God transformed my life into beauty. I never believed that I was indeed beautiful but now I see what God sees a beautiful woman who has been through so much but how God used me to transform that pain into Hope, Redemption and encouragement.

The words of this song are beautiful and I want to share them with you.

God of the new beginnings

God of the second chance

Your grace an endless river

Your love an avalanche

There is my darkest moment

All hope burnt to the ground

That’s where your mercy heard me

That’s where your love came down.

You turn my mourning into dancing you turn my sorrow into praise

Chorus : You give me beauty for Ashes, beauty for ashes, you give me beauty from ashes.

Love met me in the ruins

Of all my past mistakes

Love walked me to the river

Love broke apart those chains

Love spoke a new tomorrow

Opened my eyes to see

Love washed away this sadness

Love came and rescued me

Bridge : Oh I thank you God I’m overwhelmed by your incredible love. You make ev’rything new. Oh I thank you God for all you have done and yet to do. Oh you make ev’rything new.

The lyrics in this song match my life completely. I think it’s amazing that this song is like it was made for me and I had no idea when I named my blog years ago. I felt that was what God wanted me to name it.

Isaiah 61:3 says “And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

Wow I love that so much. I pray that more people can find that love and grace that God provides. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to share my story. Today in our service we talked about Grace. The only way I got through what happened to me as a child was to forgive those who hurt me. Not forgive them or forget what happened but to forgive so that it freed me up from that situation. It stops the cycle of abuse and it sheds light on the darkness.

A big thank you to all my readers. I’m so grateful to each of you. A big thank you to God for giving me the strength to share my heart with others. ♥️

Every Child’s Dream is to ride a two wheeler bike especially with your friends. As a child kids ride their bikes everyday. The thrill of the wind in your hair, being able to go really fast and that smile on your face. I don’t know any children that don’t like to ride their bikes. It’s easy you hop and ride.

What happens to the children who have disabilities? How hard is it for them to ride a bike? They can’t just hop on their bike and off they go. This week I’ve had the privilege to go to bike camp with the boy I do respite care with. It’s a camp for children with disabilities to learn how to ride a two wheeler. They bring their own bikes that G gets to ride tomorrow without his training wheels on. All week he’s been on adaptive bikes to help him with his balance and the skill of learning how to ride. It’s amazing to watch.

https://icanshine.org/

This is the organization where the children learn how to ride. They are a company from the USA and they teamed up with OT’s from Queen Alexander hospital to help the children. There were 5 children including G at the session he’s in. Each child has two guides with him as spotters and they ride a bike that has two wheels at the front and a roller on the back for the back wheels. The roller helps him learn how to balance on his bike. It has a handle on the back with a spotter to make sure that he stays balanced. As G gained more confidence he then could ride a bike with one of the staff from the camp that is a tandem bike. G rides in the front and the person in the bike mirrors what he’s going if G stopped peddling then so did the person behind. It was fascinating to watch. It was like a dance with two people in sequence. The last bike G got to ride is a regular two wheeler that has a handle on the back and their is one spotter in the front and one in the back to hold that handle is needed. G rode that bike on his own in the straight part, turning takes more balance. His dreams are coming true to be able to ride a bike without his training wheels wow it’s massive.

There was another mom beside us today and she said all her son every wanted to do is ride his bike with his friends. Today he did that and was able to ride without help with the handle. His mom sat in awe with tears in her eyes. She kept saying I can’t believe this.

Tomorrow G will ride his bike. He still needs the handle for guidence for the next couple of months until he gets that balance but it will come. For G he’s mastered so many things in his life. No more training wheels. I’m so proud of him. This boy he’s done so many amazing things in his life. He never gives up. When I want to give up I’m reminded how he perseveres and never has given up on anything.

I’m so blessed that I got to go to this amazing camp. I read that the organization I can shine has taught 30,000 people with disabilities to ride a bike. Wow that’s incredible. I can’t wait to see him on his own bike tomorrow. 🚲