Beauty from Ashes.

Before each school year starts I pray about the children who will come to my kindergarten. We’ve never met these children or their families so we have no idea who these children are.

I realized after school started that every year I have a child with truama in my class. I always Believe that things don’t just happen for no reason and that each one of these children are placed just where they are supposed to be.

Having had severe truama in my life I know and understand these children very well. This year is no different. I told my teacher that I’m going to give this child so much love. We already know that love changes everything.

One of the reasons I wanted to work in a school was because school for me was my safe place. Teachers were kind to me and I found people in my life whom I could trust. I loved school so much and hated holidays when they came around. One of my favorite places to be is in the library. That’s where I found a love of reading. When I went on those adventures I didn’t have to think about how horrible my life was. I could dream big in adventures.

Trust is huge and if you don’t have trust with a child you don’t have anything. Children who have truama in their lives often are really serious. Slowly I’ve been able to get this child to laugh. I find humor a good way to break the ice. It also builds that trust and consistency.

I love that the child I worked with last year every time they see me they come up and give me a huge hug. I love that. Once you build that trust they are more responsive to what you want for them.

I really love my class this year. It’s really cool to hear the conversations that kindergarteners have. I also have an amazing teacher who includes me in everything in our class. I feel that love that our children feel. I’m feeling blessed.

Before every school year I pray for the children that we get in our classroom. Every since I started in my school that was 4 years ago. God has brought me just the right child. Everyone of them has had trauma in their lives. It wasn’t until this year that I realized God brings these children into my life for a reason. He knows that because they had a traumatic childhood, that I understand and give care and compassion to these children.

Not only do I care but I understand so many things about trauma. Trauma is ugly no matter how you slice it but I do know that love is the way to conquer it. Love and being there no matter what and trust. I see myself in each one of these children. It’s hard for me to see and hear the stories. This year is no exception. I told my teacher that I was going to love this child so much.

I see them fighting because that’s the only thing that they can control in their lives and that is a survival thing. If we didn’t fight we’d never survive. I remember doing the exact same thing fighting with all my worth. Children with trauma often get sick more easily. I see that I’m me as well.

It about broke my heart to hear about the child in my class. I wanted to just pick them up and hug them forever. So young and seen so many things that we know from trauma that you get stuck in age where it started. So much loss and rejection even when your young you feel that. This child has only survived because one person in their lives has stepped into the gap for them.

Even though it’s very difficult this person loves them so much and is the only consistent person in their lives. You only need one person in your life to change how your life will be. I’m so touched with this story. I’ve started praying for them all and my goal this year is to show love ❤️ and trust.

So even though I find it difficult I realized that God brings me just the right child for our class and no matter what our where they have come from I need to be there for them. I’m working this year with a very compassionate teacher. She’s so soft spoken and patient and loves each one of her students.

I was thinking the other day that she would have been a teacher I wished I had as a kid. She cares so much. I’m looking forward to seeing what God does this year in our class. ❤️

1 Corinthians 13:8 says

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Love never fails. I love that. It’s been a really tough couple of days for me. Emotionally I feel fragile. Today I’m reminded of so many great memories of who my dad is to me in my life. I have a collection of rocks that on many walks to the beach I was given. I have a whole entire bowl of rocks I collected on so many beach walks.

My very last walk with my dad I found this heart leaf and I knew it was a sign that no matter where my dad is or where he’s at in his life. I know I am loved. ❤️

Today I wrote down things we have done together and the great memories I have of him. He doesn’t remember any of them but I do know in his heart that he will always love me. I was scared I was losing him. Instead we will make new memories and I look forward to the day that I can visit with him.

His life may be different but he’s still nearby and I still visit him and I still can show him how much I love him. I was there on the weekend helping my mom and packing up his things. He found one of boat books and he began to show me how beautiful and great and old these boats were. He loved boats. Him and mom had 3 of them. He loved adventure and hiking and just being out in nature. He often told me about his adventures before he was married and when he was with my mom. My mom has lots of photo albums with all their adventures.

He taught me about love and how to love others and he shaped me into who I am today. Pray for him and my mom as they transition into a whole different way of life. I love that he thinks of me as one of his favorite people he’s definitely one of mine. That’s how I know that love never fails. ❤️

Grieving comes all different forms and will be a big part of our lives as we live on this earth from time to time. I used to stuff down those feelings and I realised if you don’t let them out they will come back and come out in not so good ways. I also realized that grief will often bring up other grief in our lives even though we have grieved that person.

I’m feeling sad these days and I’m grieving even though my dad is still alive. I’m grieving that loss of relationship. I am slowly watching dementia take a man I love. I see less and less of him and more and more of dementia. I see it taking the relationship my mom has with him.

I’ve been shedding lots of tears and I feel those emotions very close to the surface. This transition is so very hard. I know he’s going to a good place and will be well looked after. I can’t imagine him not at his home. I spent yesterday with both my mom and my dad and watching how each week the dementia taking more and more of my dad. It makes him older and even though I still see my dad in there, that change is more and more recognizable.

It brings up all the hard losses I’ve experienced this year. I miss my friend Wendy so very much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I’ve shed a lot of tears. My old counselor she told me that if I never loved people then I would never experience the love that I feel In my heart now. Love is awesome, love is hard and love can be painful. Even though it’s really hard I wouldn’t have missed these opportunities for anything.

I would appreciate prayers for my family especially my mom during this transition. Thank you 🙏❤️🙂

Those who have read my memoirs know that the dad who gave birth to me never knew what it was like to love and protect his daughter. Just because he’s a blood relative doesn’t mean he’s a good dad. Yes I’ve forgiven him not for how he treated me for 12 years but because I needed to be free from him. To me he’s just a guy I once knew.

When I met my mom for the very first time she was married to a man whom I loved immediately. He’s been my dad since I moved here as a teenager, and I love him very much. He’s the dad I always dreamed about and I’m so blessed to have him in my life. He showed me what love was all about. He wrote a lot of papers for me in high school and he was always there for me no matter what.

My dad has vascular dementia and each time I visit him he deteriorates more and more. I hate watching the man I love disappear. I see glimers of him in there. He still reconizes and knows who I am and I love spending time with him. Last week I hung out with him when my mom needed to go out and we went for a walk and he told me that he wanted to show me his special place. It’s in behind the townhouses where they live and there is a pond with a water thing in the middle of it. He showed me every inch of it. I’ve been there before but not with him. I treasured every moment I spend with him.

A lot of the time he talks about things that make no sense but I always listen to him. Today I went over because my mom said she was sad because my dad’s two sisters came to visit him. He didn’t recognize them he’s not seen them in about 15 months. I watch him on Tuesday with them and he smiled and enjoyed their company. It’s like his heart knew who they were. In fleeting moments he would comment things about them that were so lovely.

Today we sat outside and he talked the whole time about the trees that are planted outside how they were different sizes and how they grew. He loves trees and humming birds that come to the feeder. He talks about the trees a lot.

Thursday we found a placement for him to go to. My mom can’t look after him he needs more than what we can give him. It’s the same place that my grandpa lived at for 5 years. The workers faces lit up when they heard my mom’s last name. They talked about how much they missed my grandpa. They still have a photo of him and another resident in the nurses station. Wow how cool is that.

Sept 19th my dad will go to a facility until a placement comes up where we want him to go to. I know this is what is best for him but it’s so hard to wrap my head around this. I’m grieving the loss of my dad even though he’s still here. I can’t imagine going to my parents home and not seeing him there. He’s part of that home. Yes I can go visit him but it’s not the same. I feel like everyday I lose a piece more of him.

No matter what happens he’s still my dad and I still love him with all of my heart ♥️. I’ve been so blessed to have him in my life. He never had children of his own but he took in my brother and I and we became a family. I’m planning on spending as much time with him now before he goes into care. It’s the toughest on my mom. This is her soul mate and having to put him in care is heartbreaking for her. Please pray for our family including my dad. He’s not going to understand why he’s there. He’s only ever been away from my mom for a week.

It’s hard enough having aging parents without watching them struggle with dementia or other life threatening things. Make sure you hug your family tonight because life is short and you never know can happen.

I’m still the luckiest woman in the world I would not trade the years I’ve had with my dad. This transition will be an adjustment for all of us but I plan to be there every step of this one. Thank you B you are an amazing man and you are loved by many especially me. ❤️

Today at church our last song we sang was called Beauty for Ashes. Well I had no idea that their was a song about that. I named my blog Beauty from Ashes because I came from ashes until God transformed my life into beauty. I never believed that I was indeed beautiful but now I see what God sees a beautiful woman who has been through so much but how God used me to transform that pain into Hope, Redemption and encouragement.

The words of this song are beautiful and I want to share them with you.

God of the new beginnings

God of the second chance

Your grace an endless river

Your love an avalanche

There is my darkest moment

All hope burnt to the ground

That’s where your mercy heard me

That’s where your love came down.

You turn my mourning into dancing you turn my sorrow into praise

Chorus : You give me beauty for Ashes, beauty for ashes, you give me beauty from ashes.

Love met me in the ruins

Of all my past mistakes

Love walked me to the river

Love broke apart those chains

Love spoke a new tomorrow

Opened my eyes to see

Love washed away this sadness

Love came and rescued me

Bridge : Oh I thank you God I’m overwhelmed by your incredible love. You make ev’rything new. Oh I thank you God for all you have done and yet to do. Oh you make ev’rything new.

The lyrics in this song match my life completely. I think it’s amazing that this song is like it was made for me and I had no idea when I named my blog years ago. I felt that was what God wanted me to name it.

Isaiah 61:3 says “And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

Wow I love that so much. I pray that more people can find that love and grace that God provides. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to share my story. Today in our service we talked about Grace. The only way I got through what happened to me as a child was to forgive those who hurt me. Not forgive them or forget what happened but to forgive so that it freed me up from that situation. It stops the cycle of abuse and it sheds light on the darkness.

A big thank you to all my readers. I’m so grateful to each of you. A big thank you to God for giving me the strength to share my heart with others. ♥️

Every Child’s Dream is to ride a two wheeler bike especially with your friends. As a child kids ride their bikes everyday. The thrill of the wind in your hair, being able to go really fast and that smile on your face. I don’t know any children that don’t like to ride their bikes. It’s easy you hop and ride.

What happens to the children who have disabilities? How hard is it for them to ride a bike? They can’t just hop on their bike and off they go. This week I’ve had the privilege to go to bike camp with the boy I do respite care with. It’s a camp for children with disabilities to learn how to ride a two wheeler. They bring their own bikes that G gets to ride tomorrow without his training wheels on. All week he’s been on adaptive bikes to help him with his balance and the skill of learning how to ride. It’s amazing to watch.

https://icanshine.org/

This is the organization where the children learn how to ride. They are a company from the USA and they teamed up with OT’s from Queen Alexander hospital to help the children. There were 5 children including G at the session he’s in. Each child has two guides with him as spotters and they ride a bike that has two wheels at the front and a roller on the back for the back wheels. The roller helps him learn how to balance on his bike. It has a handle on the back with a spotter to make sure that he stays balanced. As G gained more confidence he then could ride a bike with one of the staff from the camp that is a tandem bike. G rides in the front and the person in the bike mirrors what he’s going if G stopped peddling then so did the person behind. It was fascinating to watch. It was like a dance with two people in sequence. The last bike G got to ride is a regular two wheeler that has a handle on the back and their is one spotter in the front and one in the back to hold that handle is needed. G rode that bike on his own in the straight part, turning takes more balance. His dreams are coming true to be able to ride a bike without his training wheels wow it’s massive.

There was another mom beside us today and she said all her son every wanted to do is ride his bike with his friends. Today he did that and was able to ride without help with the handle. His mom sat in awe with tears in her eyes. She kept saying I can’t believe this.

Tomorrow G will ride his bike. He still needs the handle for guidence for the next couple of months until he gets that balance but it will come. For G he’s mastered so many things in his life. No more training wheels. I’m so proud of him. This boy he’s done so many amazing things in his life. He never gives up. When I want to give up I’m reminded how he perseveres and never has given up on anything.

I’m so blessed that I got to go to this amazing camp. I read that the organization I can shine has taught 30,000 people with disabilities to ride a bike. Wow that’s incredible. I can’t wait to see him on his own bike tomorrow. 🚲

I understand Childhood trauma very well and have a huge heart for those who experience it. Thursday I sat down on the bench at lunch recess beside a girl who I knew from Kindergarten last year. I asked her was she looking forward to her summer. She put her thumbs down and I asked her why and she told me that she loves school so much. I then asked her what was she going to do this summer. She told me she’s waiting for her dad to get his cast off his leg. I asked her did your dad break his leg and she said that he had a operation to fix his leg.

She then proceeded to tell me that her dad owned a store in Iraq and one day he was working there and people came in and shot him in the leg three times in a robbery. He had to have surgery in Iraq but it didn’t work so he was able to have it here. I told her I was so glad that she and her family where able to come to Canada and feel safe. She then told me that people in her neighborhood have been breaking into cars and making the neighbourhood unsafe. She told me she’s not allowed outside to play anymore unless she has an adult with her.

I sat listening to her and can’t imagine all that’s she’s seen with the war in Iraq. She told me her cousins, grandparents and her other family she’s not seen in a long time. I was so glad to hear they had come to Canada so that they could feel safe again but my heart broke to hear they still were living in fear. This would bring up the trauma they had seen back in Iraq.

I think of the many families that come to my school that have come from places with war. War effects everyone and doesn’t just go away because you move. PTSD is real. Trust is huge for them and feeling safe but it constantly puts you on guard.

I asked her when your dad gets off his cast off what things she likes to do with him. She said he plays, they go places and he’s so much fun. We talked about other things she likes to do and she said that’s why she liked school because it was a safe place for her and her family. We never know what people are carrying around. This is a lot for a 7 year old child. I told her that if she ever needed to talk or Anything I was there for her. She smiled and ran off to play. 🙂

Tomorrow is Father’s Day. I was telling my mom today that my step dad is the best dad I’ve ever had in my life. My real dad had no idea what it meant to be a father. At Christmas time 1983 was the very first time I met my mom and my step dad. When those doors opened at Vancouver airport and this lady ran out and hugged my brother and I. That was my mom. I was almost 2 when I was taken away from my mom so I had no idea who she was.

My step dad from the first time I met him he treated me so well. I grew to love both of them. I moved to Canada in 1985 with my one small suitcase. B was there for me growing up and he helped me so much with my school work. We still laugh about all the essays he helped me write. I love the relationship I have with him.

B now has dementia and its hard to see who he was in his life a very successful man. Dementia is robbing his life but I do know he loves me with all of his heart. Even though he’s often confused last Sunday I went over to my parents home for a birthday dinner and we were sitting in the couch in the living room. I was talking to my moms best friend and all of a sudden he said to my moms friend. This lady is a very special woman and we need to keep her in our lives. It took me all I could not to cry. My heart swelled so much.

I’ve heard him many times when things around him are hard he will stop and say to me how special I am to him. I’m so blessed to have him in my life and since he’s had dementia one been able to spend so much quality time with him. Even though it’s hard sometimes I wouldn’t trade any of that for anything. Tomorrow morning I’m going over to see him. He won’t know it’s Father’s Day but that’s ok because I’m going to hang out with my favorite person. When I go over his face lights up when he sees me.

Happy Father’s Day B. I love you so much. Thanks for being that person in my life who has always believed in me and shown me what it is like to love. ❤️ You have shaped me into who I am today. For that I’m eternally grateful.

It’s no secret that Wendy my best friend loved roses. In fact everything she touched she was good at. Her passion was growing roses. She had made her patio at her home a santuary where she could sit and rest and enjoy her roses. Before she passed away she had ordered two more rose bushes for her patio. Both of them my friend Deborah had in her garden. Her garden is amazing as well.

After Wendy passed away the roses came in and Deb asked me if I wanted to buy them. I was honoured to get them and found pots in a blue color. Wendy loved all shades of blue. I prayed over them because I wanted them to bloom and look beautiful. I put them in the corner of my patio beside the one Deb got me last year for my birthday. As the weather got warmer they started to grow.

Last Sunday I noticed one of the flowers coming out. It’s that beautiful double colored one above and it has the most wonderful smell from it. Today I went out and its for two more flowers coming out on it and it’s full of buds. The other one does not have the same amount of buds but enough. I’m super excited about this. I know Wendy is looking down from heaven. I know she would be proud.

I made some butterfly stakes 🦋 on mini black boards I found. I guess it’s like a memorial for her. I sure miss her so much. I’m in the fantastic four thread on Facebook and the last few days we’ve been chatting and I still expect Wendy to add to the conversation. I still have a hard time believing she’s gone. There is so much I want to share with her.🦋

I’m so thankful that I get to watch these roses 🌹bloom and help me to remember by friend. Life is precious and like I wrote in my last blog and not to take anything for granted. I love sitting out there in the midst of the roses. It’s become my own paradise. ❤️