PTSD

I feel super rough this morning. I hate feeling like this. My whole body is super heightened. I had a lovely evening last night I watched some hallmark movies and hung out. I could hear fireworks out in the park. Not sure why they seemed louder then usual. I also remembered another reason I’m not fond of Halloween is the loud bangs they make me jump. As I was getting ready for bed I could hear fireworks close to my home. I realized the kids who live in the house on the next street over were doing fireworks. As I laid in bed I realized they were really close to my house and really loud bangs . I would jump everytime they came and then my window was really lit up. I got up to see why they seemed so close. The kids were shooting the fireworks over the house they rent and they were landing in the tall trees in my back yard and then continued to come until they crashed in front of my bedroom window. It already was late so I waited to see if it would stop but it continued with loud cheers.

I started to become paralyzed with fear. Hands sweating and now so jumpy. I tried to anticipate the bangs. I remember feeling like this so many times in Ireland growing up paralyzed with fear not knowing what I could do. I started to pray that my house or the trees would not catch on fire. The panic started to settle in. In the summer time I had to call the police on the same kids drinking and making tons of noise and the police had told me that when that happens just to call them. I fished out the number and called the police. I was shaking by the time I called and my voice was quivery. The last person told me it’s ok and they would send someone out to them.

I realized after I talked to the police that now as an adult I have options instead of staying in that place. I was able to reach out and get help. That feeling empowers one and stops the freaking out from coming worse. This morning I feel really rough from all those heightened feelings. Today I will be really kind to myself and it will take a few days for that heightened state to leave. I always feel so vulnerable in that state is a feeling I hate. It’s also less and less as I become healthier in my life. Zeke was great last night he was so calm and so that helped me as well. He’s my therapy dog.

I’m glad Halloween is over now for another year. Today is a nice bright sunny day which I will enjoy. I’m so glad I can reach out for help when I need it. PTSD is an awful thing to have and more and more people have it. It just leaves you so out of control in your emotions. For me I had to find a safe person to reach out to now that I don’t have Larry anymore. I will also reach out to friends today as well.

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