Reflections

I never imagined three and half years ago when I decided to blog that it would explode into lots of people reading what I wrote. It was just me writing about a few things in my life. English especially writing was hard for me for a long time so writing a blog was not what I ever imagined. I always had written journals and had lots and lots of them. I then found blogging was therapeutic and for years and years I wrestled with writing a book about my life but that never ever happened. Last year I decided that maybe I would write my memoirs on my blog and I could choose what I wrote about. I realized that the story needed a voice and even though its been hard to write at times, if it helped one person who read it then it was worth it. I never imagined how many people read it now and it has helped people and I know the timing on this pendemic was the right time to share. It’s sad when I connect with people who have lost their faith and given up on what was once important to them. They just are living life with no purpose. That’s hard. I want people to know that when though things have been really hard and tough and times where I wanted to give up and die that I’ve never given up on anything and that I will fight for things that are wrong in this world. I stand continually in the gap for others who are treated wrongly or bullied.

I love that four years ago I joined the school district to work with children. School was my only safe place growing up and the day I went to the school office to apply. As I sat in the office waiting for an interview. It felt like home. I love that I can understand and have compassion and understanding for those children who seem to fit nowhere. I know that feeling. I see the children that play alone, feel horrible about who they are and the ones that have tough times for whatever reason. I love the school I’m in because the children are seen they matter to each of us. I have insight about trauma and abuse.

When I get overwhelmed or maxed out in life I get sick. That’s my body’s way of telling me it’s too much. It’s a lot better now but I used to sick a lot. My body is very sensitive to change and things out of my control. I think part of that is my PTSD. This recent move again in my life triggers massive stress and now a cold. I listen to my body and then I bounce back. It’s hard for people sometimes to understand but if you knew all the things I’ve been through you’d understand. My body will shut down. I used to get really sick and get infections and my body would shut down and it was scary. As years have gone by now I’m lucky I just get a cold or a mild illness. I often think having a very sensitive body is a curse but I realized it’s how your body reacts things in life. I read a book called When your body keeps score and it talks about this and it helped me understand why sickness comes and how your body protects you. It’s very fascinating.

The blog I wrote last night was hard to write. It’s hard for me to write about my marriage and yes it had great parts in it but I’ve shyed away from writing about Spiritual Abuse. I do know now that when I got married I was very vulnerable and looking for love but because I had no idea what love was and coming from my background and past my experiences were messed up. I know Luke loved me but he had a lot of control on my life. I used a lot of my survival skills in my marriage to survive. Even though he’s been gone for almost three years the best thing he could have done was left. I’m now learning about who I am. I realized that I can do many things without him or anybody. I’m not defined by a man. I’m really happy I’m my life with my labradoodle Zeke and my rabbit Jonas. I’m happy and content on my own and I have many awesome great friends who support me and I have an amazing job. I’m learning who Sarah is. I’m really liking what I see. I’ve learned a lot of great skills of how to deal with things that come my way and most of all I have a God who looks after me no matter what.

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