7 years of sobriety

Yesterday I celebrated 7 years of sobriety. For a long time no matter what I did I could not keep my sobriety. I had no idea why. Something would happen and I would find myself back in addiction again. It was so frustrating and the shame I felt from relapses was horrible. Shame is horrible because it makes you feel like your no good and that maybe you deserve what is happening to you. I used to think that well my dad used to tell me that I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything. So now this must be true because I can’t break the cycle of this.

I would pray and beg God to take this away but it would never stay for me. I hated myself so much. I also felt like I had a black heart because I hated my dad and Step mom for all the abuse and how they treated my brother and I . I wished they would just die.

One day I was brushing teeth and I felt God tell me that my heart was black and that’s why I was caught in the cycle of addiction. That was the root of it. Really God because I had no idea how to get out of this. I was filled with hate and if I didn’t get past this, then I would not succeed in sobriety.

I was visiting my good friend, her and her husband own a ranch in Oregon. They rescue horses and team them up with children. It’s my home away from home. It was during Christmas that I went to visit. I needed time away. My friend and I went for a walk. She calls it the wilderness. At Christmas it is often very cold and snowy. This day it was really nice and sunny. The sun beat down on our faces and it was quite warm. We were in the high desert so it’s a higher altitude then what I’m used to. I live at sea level. I started to get a headache. We stopped and knelt in the sand surrounded by Sage bushes.

My friend started praying and I asked God where was He when I was growing up. As a child I called out to Him but he never came. Why??? My friend asked me what I was seeing and I was back in my bedroom. Crying because I was not allowed out. The room was dark and I was alone and shared. She asked me what else I saw , at first I saw nothing then I saw a light. She asked me where it was and I realized it was behind me. Then I saw the Lord He was holding me. So everytime I called out to Him as a child He was with me.

Even now thinking about that tears me up. I was not alone. That’s how I survived because the Lord was with me. Then my friend prayed and asked me to look at my dad and stepmom and that I needed to forgive them for what they had done to me. My heart had softened because now I knew I was not alone. I love how God works in our hearts.

I prayed and asked God for the strength to forgive them because I had held hate in my heart for so long. Then the tears came and I felt like they never would stop. I forgave then for everything for all the abuse, how they talked to me, all the times they hurt me or left me alone so I was hurt by others. Everything came out. I had forgotten I was kneeling in the dust. When I was done I got up and I felt a whole lot lighter. My friend said I was like a new person. For the first time in a very long time my heart felt lighter. It was not dark or filled with hate.

Ever since that day 7 years ago my life has been different. I no longer feel that hate and I have reached out to my family and I communicate with some of them. I sometimes even pray for them. When those chains were broken then so were the chains of addiction. I’ve been free ever since. God is good so good. I now feel love in my heart and God’s given me a huge passion for others especially children who have gone through similar things that I have.

If your stuck in addiction or something you don’t want to do anymore. I would pray and ask God what are the chains that tie you to this thing. Find out the root cause. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Find someone you trust to help you. Isn’t it time to start living your best life. You are loved so much even if you don’t think you are. ❤️