Changing one life at a time

I love the heart God has given me for people including those precious children in my life. Tomorrow is Mother’s day and just because I never gave birth to any children but that doesn’t mean I can’t help those put into my life everyday. This year has been my first year working in one school with the same children. I love my job so much because I get to really hang out with these children and connect with them. Some of them carry huge burdens. It about breaks your heart. I see God using what I went through as a child to help and really understand the needs of all the children I work with. I’ve been able to give insight to people at school about what truama is and how it effects the children. I’ve been able to bring adults together to help understand. To build a bridge to that gap.

Last week I got to hear part of the sexual abuse training. Usually I’m on my break when it is taught. There is a puppet named Trusty which helps the children understand the material. The day I was there it was about keeping safe secrets and bad secrets to keep. I loved this curriculum so much even though it reminded me of how as a child I was given candy and told to keep quiet. I wish I had known about these things and was taught in school. It helps all of our children especially the vulnerable ones.

Even though for the longest time I hated what I had experienced as a child yes it was terrible but I also see God using it to help those around me. It helps others understand why the children are acting out and how to help them the best way we can. So even though God has healed my heart from a lot with the truama in my life. I can give back to help others. God is using me one child one person at a time. I love that so much. I go back to being an EA in Sept and I know God has that job where he wants me to be. Maybe for another vulnerable child who needs someone they can trust. For that I’m grateful to help and I am ready.

Rejection and abandonment

Rejection and abandonment are two words that I’ve not thought of for a long time. I’ve worked on myself for a long time. Recently both of those words surfaced in my life. Both bring the same feelings with them. Feelings that I don’t like. Temptations have surfaced and the lady I’m seeing right now told me that this often happens when we are under extreme stress that old ways of coping with stress, as feeling like the only way to get through. The desire to do those things is more about feeling stress now, and possibly that stress wakes up old wounds. That makes total sense to me. She explained to me that I’ve been through way worse things and that this just feels like abandonment or rejection. I’ve been giving it to God and having others pray for me. I reached out to make the first move with the Relationship and I pray it goes well on Sunday. I hate this separation between the two of us but as my teacher reminded me today I’ve done nothing wrong standing on my boundaries.

I’ve been working hard on myself to stand on those boundaries and how I feel about myself. I feel now I’m a much Stronger person and will continue to work on the old wounds that surface in my life. Every morning on the way to school I pray that God gives me peace and I really believe this is happening for a reason. I was unhappy with this relationship before because it’s a lot of take from me and I’ve slowly been setting boundaries and saying this is not ok.

My brain then goes to a place of unworthiness and it reminded me that I am worthy in Christ’s eyes. He loves me so much. I feel that love everyday from Him. People will always let us down in some way. Yes it hurts but God never leaves our forsakes us. That’s His promise for us forever. No matter what happens on Sunday I have that promise to stand on every day. With the Lord in your life you can do anything, you also can be whomever you want to be. That is the peace that I hold in my heart everyday.

When you feel shame, unworthiness, rejection or abandonment turn to God He is our comfort and strength. Reach out to those in your life that you trust and read God’s promises. That’s the best wisdom you will ever recieve. So next time that temptation comes I need to remind myself of these promises and ask God to heal those wounds.

New beginnings

I’ve been quiet on here because in one week my whole like got turned upside down. I have told people God is shaking up my life a lot and He has good plans for me, but couldn’t he do it a bit slower. A couple of weeks ago I found out because of the lack of children in school due to covid I’m getting laid off from my ECE position in Kindergarten. I love this job so much. I still have a job in the district but will have to go back to being an EA maybe in a different school. The good thing is I get super seniority so I will be able to find a job somewhere. The light at the end of this is when funding comes back for my position I can go back to my school in in now.

5 days later I found out my landlord is selling his house and he wanted me to move by the end of June. I can stay in my house until the new owners decide what they want to do. I still was trying to deal with my layoff and now another huge blow. I love my house so much but it is a lot of work for me. I love one of my wise friends she told me this home was Larry and mine and maybe God wanted me to move to a home that’s just mine and Zekes. Zeke is my labradoodle. At first I didn’t want to hear that and got irritated with her. I sat down and did the pros and cons of this house and realized after looking at homes to live, I do a lot here. Then my landlord started harassing me and telling me I had to move when he told me to. It even got ugly when he came to my doorstep and forced papers into my hands to sign. I told him I was not signing them and that I have rights as a tenant. I tried to keep my cool but it’s hard when he insulted me and started yelling at me. I hate that I had to raise my voice at him but he doesn’t listen to me. It’s hard to hear all the lies he’s telling the realitor about his house. I realized that’s not my place and this is his home. All our communication from now on is in email. I’m not getting into something like that again.

I realized that I don’t want to live here anymore. This is a chapter in my life that needs to end. I want a fresh start. So I prayed and others have come around me and last week I went and saw a place right in my neighbourhood. The couple who own the house wow they are such a great breath of fresh air. So nice and the lady she used to be an ECE. They are excited about me being in their home and I get a private yard for me and Zeke. The suite is being built now and my neighbour who helps me out so much now is good friends with them. It’s right by the creek and it’s going to be all new.

Wow I feel so blessed that I can move here and still stay in my neighbourhood. I can still get my neighbour now to walk Zeke. The couple know Zeke well from the neighbourhood and they have a dog similar to Zeke’s temperament. I can sit by the creek and just watch the world go by. Everything is included in my rent and no more having to mow and look after this huge property.

I know God has that right place for me for work as well. His plans even though we can’t see them especially when things pile up He Always knows what’s best for us. So even though my whole life seemed to get turned upside Down He had it all in His hands. Change can be hard but change can be so good and healthy. So even though it was a tough couple of weeks look at the blessings that have come out of it already. I woke up this morning excited about my new place and my new adventures.


Why is standing your ground on boundaries so hard? Why is it easier to just be a people pleaser and give in to those who want us to do things we don’t want to do? This week I stood my ground on two really important things and in 24 hours had two people really angry with me. To me these boundaries I set were really important the first one was my landlord he obviously is used to getting his way so when I stood my ground and told him my rights as a Tennant he stood on my doorstep and insulted me and yelled at me. I stood my ground and he finally left madder that a hatter.

The second boundary I stood on was my family. That’s a hard one. I have remained firm on my decision but now I’m getting the silent treatment. I realized that I now am so much stronger who I am and now was the time to set clear boundaries. Change is hard for everyone especially the person who has never seen me stand on any boundaries. I’m tired of always been the person who needs to do the right thing. What about how I feel? I do so much for every one it’s ok to say no once in a while and not feel bad.

God wants us to help others but not be a push over and have people walk all over us. How many times have I just said yes to something I didn’t want to do, so they would not be mad with me. Too many times. In my marriage I always gave in to smooth things over even though I hated it so much. When I spoke up it went sideways and then I felt I had to apologize so that it would get better.

As I write this I realized that I grew up with so much conflict that my biggest fear was abandonment. I hated conflict so much. Now as I get older I see that it feels good to stand up for what is right. It’s really difficult but sometimes you just have to do it. I’m sure this will work itself out. For now I must remember how far I have come and be proud of myself for standing up.

Trusting God no matter what……

Wow what a week indeed. I came off a weekend with my dad so already was feeling tired from that. I was tested and challenged so much this week. Tuesday I was laid off from my position at school because there was not enough children enrolled this year in school so cuts were huge and deep and it’s effected lots of us. My dream job for now is coming to an end the end of June. Then my housing is all up in the air because I’ve had cheap rent for a long time and it ends in June. I’m hoping that my landlord will see how well I look after his home on my own. I hope he takes into consideration that on my Christmas vacation I pumped water out of good basement for about 14 hours in total. I’m not sure how many tenants would do that.

Even though my job is ending those who got laid off will be the first to get positions at schools. I will go back to being an EA hopefully in a kindergarten class. I did find out that when the funding comes back then I can come back to my position I have now. So that’s good. There will be a job at my school but it’s only if I have enough senority it’s a mat leave. No matter what happens I trust that God will look after me and put me just where I need to be. On Thursday at school at lunch recess I was outside and two bald eagles flew around me and the children for about half an hour. It was very awesome. Anytime I’m worried or feel stressed God always sends me bald eagles and each time I feel that surreal peace that only comes from Him. I realized seeing two for me meant that both situations He’s got them in His hands. Since then I’ve felt so much better. I’ve been worried about other things as well but I know all I have is to Trust the Lord with them all.

Do you turn to God when you feel stressed or worried? Does God show himself to you through birds, rainbows etc. Does God bring people into your life that help you when things are uncertain? What kind of things help you in times of uncertainty?

Love of A Father

I just came back from another weekend with my dad. It’s so hard to see what dementia is doing to him. Despite that he and I have some awesome conversations and I’ve seen it a few times where I talk about things from my past and he jumps in to protect me. Yesterday we had a conversation and he told me if I ever get into trouble with anything that he had a spare room for me to go. He led me into the room and showed me and then into the bathroom and said no matter what I could come. It took me all I could not to cry. He told me again and often tells me how proud he is of me and that I’ve grown into an incredible woman.

This man has been in my life for a long time and I love him with all of my heart. He’s been with me through thick and thin. I love how he still wants to protect me even when I’m grown up. I love going and hanging out with him every 6 weeks. I cherish this time we have together. I hate what dementia is doing to him. Each time I go I see him more confused and he can’t understand why things are like they are. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle. I reassure him until the next thing he’s worried about. I watch him talk about where he lived in Winnipeg and today he told me he was going after breakfast to swim in the Red river. He thought he was back where he grew up as a boy. I listened and asked him questions and I pulled up a map of the street he lived on.

I saw lots of confusion after I took him out yesterday to get his watches fixed so he knew what day and date it was. When we got home he didn’t know where we were. He often said to me he didn’t know what was wrong with his mind. It’s so hard to watch. Despite all of that I have to take the good things out of it and cherish each moment with him. I will never regret any of the time we spend together and I try to make our time together the best. I see him struggling to figure out if he’s married at all. My mom has photos of them around her home so then he remembers and he’s really emotional and he tells me she’s his best friend, but he can’t figure out where she’s gone. My mom is grieving the loss of her husband and yes it effects me lots as well because here’s the dad I’ve dreamed of my whole life and I’m watching him slowly slip away. It was hard this weekend. Today was the hardest day.


Oh man it’s been a rough week. I just went along with all that happened. It was not until today I realized that the triggers I had this week were all related together. I’ve been reading a book called when your body keeps score. It’s about people with trauma and how your body responds to stress and triggers. Our bodies are amazing how they respond to stress and how to survive such trauma. For me when things get to much I get sick. Everyone knows about Fight, Flight or Freeze.

This week I was shook up with the first incident. I was not involved with it but it bothered me a lot. When I’m really stressed or overwhelmed I feel spaced out by it and then I get stress dreams. Then the next day a similar thing happened but it effected me more because it was with a child I know well. Again it shook me up and it taps into my PTSD. Then I’m on edge. A third thing happened yesterday and it scared me a lot and I wanted to run from it but I was out supervising the children. I called for help instead. I couldn’t do anything about it so I started to numb it out. That’s how I cope with things I can’t control. I had more stress dreams.

When your busy you can’t stop to figure out what is happening. I prayed about it silently. This morning I woke up not feeling well. I realized today after I was totally exhausted that I had used food as an escape. I was telling a friend today all the crap I’ve eaten this past week. While this was all happening I did not stop and clue in what was going on. Now looking back on it I see triggers from 3 incidents that all were related. They triggered being taken from my mom even though I have no memory of that. That feeling of not being able to do anything about it and the third incident of feeling safe. It probably would have been better if by now I’m not in heightened mode of PTSD.

I will get sick my body just shuts down when it’s too much to deal with. I’ve come so far in my life and triggers are less and less. I hate it as it makes me feel really vulnerable. I want to just stay at home and isolate but I will force myself to go out. Sickness is how my body copes with the stress and the trauma. I hope as I get healthier and healthier I can catch the trigger before it gets to this point.

You never forgot trauma but it’s way better then it was. I spent today praying and letting myself know that I’m safe. I know I’m safe it’s the situations around me but I have to trust God that it will all be ok. Instead of staying in this unhealthy place I’m CHOOSING to work through it. My faith just grows more and more and I know that God is with me no matter what. This is my favorite verse above. God continues to renew our strength and with Him we won’t be weary or faint. Such a great promise.

Landing in God’s lap

Today we said goodbye to an awesome man. Bruce I did not know you for a long time but what I saw was a man who loved people and life. I met you and your wife at our church. I saw you come to church every week and come to all the extra services. You were a man who observed things from a far and when you spoke you had much wisdom. I loved to hear you speak because you spoke from your heart. I saw a man who was so kind and gentle and loved your family so much. Twice up at camp Imadine I was blessed to be in your group with you and Sue. When we got to introduce ourselves Sue would share her part of your life and then when you spoke the stories that you had. I was fascinated and especially loved the story about how you met your future wife at the train station. God indeed had an amazing plan for both of your lives. I loved your sense of humor and it came out especially when you teased someone.

Today I learned a whole bunch more about Bruce’s life. The adventures the misson trips the experiences with your wife and your two children. The life you lived the fight from cancer before you were married and that you should not have survived. God had other plans. You survived and lived a good life. Your story will live on through your wife, children, grandchild and your family. Before Bruce died he had a vision that when he died he would fall and land in God’s lap. Heaven rejoiced when Bruce came to heaven. He’s probably up there having debates with the Lord.

Bruce I will miss you and so will a lot of people, you touched so many people’s lives. I loved hearing the stories today. They made me laugh and cry. That smile of yours that lit up every room you entered. The friendships you had all over the world. You left an amazing legacy that we won’t forgot. Until we meet again.

How love changed me Part 2

How do you unpack 14 years of abuse, neglect and never knowing what will happen to you next? I never felt safe in my home. I wanted to die over and over again. I tried to commit sucide and I couldn’t even do that right. I just got really sick and had my stomach pumped out. Something you only try once. When I went to Oregon one Christmas. I went for a walk in the wilderness with my good friend. A woman who helped me see that not only was God with me all those years of calling out that He often held me. When I thought I was alone in my many bedrooms. My friend prayed for me to see that God was always there for me. This time in the wilderness we both kneeled in the dust and sun among the Sage bushes. We prayed and I forgave my dad and stepmom and I laid all my addictions at the foot of the cross. I asked God to forgive me for using addiction to run from my issues. We both prayed together and I forgot that my friend was with me. It was just me and God. The sun beat on her faces in December. It should have been snowing that day but instead it was a really warm day.

After that prayer I felt lighter in my step. Bend Oregon is high up so I’m not used to the altitude so before we knelt down to pray my head felt like it would explode. I live at sea level. After we prayed my headache was completely gone. I could breathe so much better. That day my life changed. I still had to work really hard to stay sober and figure out how to not want a high. I had one more slip and then that was it no more. My accountability partner as always stood beside me and encouraged me to move forward and love myself. She taught me and gave me tools to use. I had to find things to keep me busy when I was on holidays or breaks from school. I would knit a lot because when you knit you couldn’t be in addiction. I painted lots of rocks and read lots of books. I listened to loud worship Music as much as I could. I listened to podcasts and downloaded audio books. I journaled lots and started writing blogs. I wrote often and I reached out to my friends. I started to work on myself and slowly it took a while to see how God looks and feels about me.

I colored lots and did puzzles and kept myself busy with healthy things. They say it takes 20 days to break a habit. It took me a while a bunch of days to help it stick. Still my hardest thing was my emotions and feeling. I used to think I would die if I felt. My accountability partner would smile at me and tell me that she knows of nobody that ever died from feeling. Sitting with those emotions was awful but now emotions are easier to deal with and guess what I’m still alive. My whole life I numbed out pain, ran from it and used addiction to cope. She taught me how to stand on boundaries when things got to much. She taught me how to scream my guts out in my car to release frustration. It felt better when I did. I don’t think she knows that as I would always tell her I can’t do that.

I am the person who I am today because people in my life loved me and encouraged me to never give up no matter what. They pushed me and helped me grow. They believed in me when I didn’t know how. They loved me and prayed with me. They helped me survive my life and for that I’m internally grateful. Just like God in my life being there for me no matter what. I’m blessed to have these people. Thank you God for sending them. I also help others and encourage them just like it was done for me. Love conquers all. ❤️