Coping with pain……

We all cope with pain in different ways. Some are healthy some not. After spending a lot of time in addiction, I now Choose healthy outlets of dealing with pain. Writing to me has become such a positive way to express what I’m feeling. My brother was visiting on the weekend and he was asking my mom questions about the past. I asked him why he wanted to know what he’d asked. He told me just like your outlet is writing, mine is painting. He’s an amazing artist and I know for him it’s very therapeutic. Everyone who knows me, knows I can’t draw much of anything.

I often think I have some sort of artist block. My family is filled with really good artists on both sides of my family. I’m artsy in other ways but not drawing or painting. My mom, aunts, grandparents, great grandparents, my brother and my dad all very good. I’m lucky if I can draw stick men. We play a game with my friends called telestrations and well to put it nicely nobody wants to sit near me. It’s a game you have to draw and guess what others have drawn. It’s very comical when I’m there.

I love that my brother has found an outlet to his pain. That pain I would not wish on anyone. I love that he can draw things that are hard to remember. Finding that outlet is very therapeutic. I used to struggle with writing in school and my step dad used to help me write my English papers. I’ve always written in a journal, but journals and blogs are very different.

I’ve been wanting to write a book but can’t quite get it where I need it to be so I decided blogging is good and I can write about whatever I want. A young girl I know she’s 9 just started blogging Recently. I told her that she’s chosen a great passion and to keep writing. Her mom says she’s crazy about writing like I am. That makes my heart soar.

As you cope with pain what are ways that work for you. I would love to hear about it. I also pray a lot and listen so worship Music very loudly. Praying grounds me and gives me peace. In times of pain I love to read the psalms they bring me great comfort. As I get older I find I have less anxiety and fear in my life. I’m so grateful for that.

What God is teaching me through my grief

God is teaching me so many good things while I’m in the season of grief. Some lessons are a bit harder then others but it all ends up being used for God’s glory. My biggest challenge has been patience. It’s funny I’m so laid back and patient at school but have a really hard time with that concept outside work. I’m impatient and want results fast. God only works on His timing and that’s a much slower pace then what we might like. God’s word says “patience is a virtue.” Galatians 5:22-23
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

I see how God is using all His Fruits of the Spirit in this grieving season I’m in. Love is hard when my emotions go from sad to angry quickly but God reminds us to love. Grieving is easier as time goes on you feel less and less emotions but occasionally it hits you hard. I feel more joy now then I have had in a long time. I feel joy from knowing that God has me right in His hands and that He’s got me no matter what comes my way. I feel joy in little things, joy in watching flowers and plants grow, joy in training my dog, joy in a simple friendship, joy watching baby rabbits grow up or just laughing with a friend. I’m now joyful that I can hang out with 6 of my friends. We will social distance but that I can enjoy that on my birthday.

Peace has been there for a long time with me. I often feel God’s peace in my life. Even in the midst of chaos. Throughout this season I feel that peace. When I don’t feel it I just stop and pray and then it always comes back. When I’m doing what I feel God wants me to do that feeling of peace washes over me and transcends through me. I no longer feel that anxiety or fear of what will happen. God has provided for me in so many ways and continues to.

My faith has grown so much during this season. My heart soars when I spend time with God. I get excited and love to pray and read God’s word. I’m excited about what God is showing me and how He is and has been preparing me to do what He wants for me. I love that. I feel like am excited child waiting for a surprise. There is so much goodness in this season. God is moving and I’m so willing to see what He has in store for me.

Speaking out……

Why is it so hard to speak out when things are not ok in your home. It’s funny because I’m the first one to speak out about child abuse or neglect. I’ve had to make hard decisions in my career. It’s never popular with anyone but something I promised myself years ago to do. Speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves.

Well I have to tell you it’s way harder to the same thing when you are in a Marriage or a relationship. Speaking out is not as easy. Why do people close themselves off to the world and mull through the situation on their own. For years I felt trapped unable to speak out or speak up for what was truth. In my childhood I had to just go on with life in not sure anyone would Believe the horror my brother and I endured. I didn’t trust people at all the few odd person I could trust. I remained silent in my life. I was scared to speak out. Back then I was in survival mode.

I hate to admit this but many physiologists will tell you or I’ve read it that you tend to marry people similar to people in your life growing up. Your desperately trying to find that father figure that you never had in your life. For me that’s what I basically did. I married a man who I admired and respected. I was to naive to know the difference. This man was really nice to me and he basically looked after me. Nobody had done that before or very few people. I fell in love with this man. He treated me well or as well as he could. I only saw what I wanted to see. It’s taken me years later to see a lot of what was going on in my home. I knew I was loved but it always came at a high cost and because I did not want to make waves. I just went along with it. Inside my soul I hated it so much. When I felt powerless I used addiction to numb that pain. That pain was to great to fight. It wasn’t all bad that’s not what I’m saying I’m just saying that I felt I could not make the decisions I wanted to.

To make things worse the decisions made were not from my husband but apparently from God. That made no sense to me often because the God I knew would not make some of those decisions. I would have to lie and figure out ways to survive. As a young child I had to lie to survive now as an adult I found myself in survival mode lying to protect myself.

A lot of my marriage I suffered through addiction, depression, anxiety, fear and really low self esteem. I know people who left similar situations and took their child with them. I admire those who left. Some left with the clothes on their back them and their child’s. Slowly I’m gaining back my self esteem and no longer feel shame from decisions I have made.

If you or anyone you know is in a relationship that is one sided or based on lies there are people out there you can talk to. I do understand it’s hard really hard. I’m here for you. Speaking out puts it into the light and nothing to be ashamed of. ❤️

Not taking things for granted

I’m learning as I get older in life not to take things for granted. Life is so precious. Today I hung out with my dad. I was unsure what my dad would be like but I had forgotten how much I love to hang out with this guy. He’s the one who stayed up late to help me write my essays on high school. He helped me write a lot of them. I told him all that writing now has helped give me my love for writing today. I get excited about words.

This is the guy who taught me so much growing up. He’s a wealth of information. Today he taught me what words meant and showed me around his neighbourhood. He showed me what was important to him. I listened and we shared good laughs together. We read and talkef about the Magazine he loves about history and Canada.

I love this man so much and I’m at thankful and grateful for all he has taught me growing up and what he still teaches me today. We chatted today about things I Remember with him the boats and fifth wheels he owned and all the adventures he’s been on. This man has been the father I never had. He taught me so much and I’m blessed to have him in my life. Just because he’s losing his short term memory doesn’t mean I can’t still learn from him.

Today made me realize that. It was fun hanging out with you. I’m looking forward to our next time and our next adventure. That’s why life is so precious and we must never take it for granted.

Gratitude

Despite Covid there are so many things to be grateful for. While we have gratitude in our lives we no longer think about bad things that may be going on in our lives. My hardships continue despite me working hard to overcome the hand dealt to me lately. Last Saturday I broke my finger on my dominant hand. Right when I was thinking about maybe being able to go back to work.

I was having a hard time with another set back. I thought I was cursed or something and was having a hard time until I prayed and sought God about what was happening. We all know that hardships are part of life and we also know that makes us stronger. Ok so I’ve dealt with so many things in the last 7 months. I’ve dealt with some huge losses in my life and I’m still grieving that. Despite all of this God has been using me to help others and I know now that He’s using all of this for His purposes. You can only gain strength from this.

This morning I heard a Sermon on gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for. Every Morning I spend precious time with the Lord and I tell Him all of the things I’m grateful for. I could have gone inward with my struggles and poor me. When you change your attitude and mindset to what your grateful everything changes.

What are you Thankful for in your life? I love gratitude. I have a gratitude journal and I try to write in it often. No matter what happens in my life I know God is always there for me no matter what. During this season in my life I’ve seen Amazing things going on and throughout it all I’ve felt serene peace.

Thank God for your awesome presence throughout all of this. Thank you for using me to help others. The words on your book are truth and light. I would encourage you to start a gratitude journal you will notice how it Changes how you feel about things.

Blessings in my life

Despite this being one of my toughest years. I’ve many blessings in my life. So much to be Thankful for. Yesterday I went to our local Christian store and I know the couple well who run the store. They were telling me that when Covid came they knew that they had to keep their store running. They are the only ones opened all across BC. They felt that in hard times that finding God was something people would look to for comfort.

Sure enough people came looking for peace and comfort and Mike told me that mothers and daughters came in buying their first bibles or wanting to do Bible studies together. People came in and had found God and wanted to know more. God is moving despite Covid. He’s using this bookstore to draw people closer to Him. On faith they stay open. God has blessed both him and his wife with the stories of people. I love that a lot. I shared about my faith and how much I’ve grown in Him through my injury at work and then Covid. His wife told me that there is a sparkle in my eyes that something is different in me. I told them about my husband leaving and how God had shown me so many things since he’s been gone. Yes it’s been hard but I’ve grown so much in Him. Obviously God is doing something because one of my other friends confirmed this as well.

I’m blessed to have so many awesome people in my life. Yesterday I was part of a social zoom for the school I spent four months in. I love this school so much and praying that I can get a job there. I had not seen any of them since Spring break and they were all so happy to see me and it was like I was still part of their team. One day I will get a job there.

For now I have an opportunity to work with a boy I’ve known for three and a half years. I get to help him do his school and meet with his teachers and his EA on video. I love helping him. This boy makes my heart soar. I love him so much. He’s Pretty fond of me as well and apparently asks if I’m coming every day.

I have many good friends here in Canada as well as my awesome American friends. I miss them a lot. I miss the ranch and the people who are special to me there. I’m blessed to be part of that family as well. It’s my home away from home. I’m blessed with my family, blessed that I have a huge heart for animals and children.

I’m blessed for my church family. It’s good to see them all on zoom each Sunday but can’t wait to get back to seeing them in person and our meals together. I miss my church peeps. I’m blessed so much. ❤️

Revival Rising

Look what I picked up today from the local Christian store. This book is released next week May 5th. For local people the Christian store has 6 more copies in now.
I’m so excited to read what my good friend Kim Meeder will write about. Jim Daily the president of Focus on the Family did the foreword I love what he writes ” Kim Meeder is a gifted storytellers has incredible passion for pointing people towards the healing power of Christ. Kim has a huge love for those who bear deep emotional we wounds, is very evident in her on going work with children Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch – Empowering the Ministry

I have the honor of calling this woman my friend. Looking forward to this read so much. You can order it off Amazon, & Barnes and Noble, or the Christian store in your town. ❤️

Giving back to others….

I’m so grateful in my life for all those who love and care for me. Addiction for a long time was my life in so many ways. I had people who stood by me faithfully and I’m so thankful for all of them. I Believe addiction is easier to deal with if you have that support system.

I’m two and a half years free of sexual addiction and lately I’m wanting to help other women caught in the same addiction. I understand and have empathy and know to well what feelings sexual addiction brings to a person. Guilt and serious shame. Shame is awful and makes one feel so unworthy. I know now that feeling is not from God and He loves us no matter what. Slowly I’m learning who I am and that I no longer have to live in shame and guilt. Occasionally it creeps in and I pray and stop those lies in my head.

Just Recently God laid on my heart to help a woman caught in sexual addiction. She can’t afford to put a accountability filter on her devices. Three other woman and I pitched in so that we can buy her a year’s worth of accountability filters for her devices. For me that is one of my life lines. I will use that the rest of my life. I told this woman and she bust into tears and was thankful that we wanted to do this for her. I told her it was me giving back to her the way others had done this for me. She wept and was so taken back. I then saw shame creeping in and I told her it was very brave of her to tell me about this addiction and the first part of healing is bringing it into the Light.

I love that each one of these women wanted to donate their money to this cause. Each one of them whom I admire so much had an addiction also that they now are in sobriety. I’m praying for this lady. Sexual addiction is a tough addiction to be free from. I can say today I never thought I would ever come out of mine, but I was proven wrong and today I remain free.

I pray for other Women caught in this addiction as well. Send me a Message if you want resources or just need to talk I’m here for you. ❤️

Dementia – the forgotten memory.

One of my family members my dad has dementia. It’s really hard on my family especially my mom. This definition is taken from the Alzheimer’s Canada.

” Dementia is an overall term for a set of symptoms that are caused by disorders affecting the brain. Symptoms may include memory loss and difficulties with thinking, problem-solving or language, severe enough to reduce a person’s ability to perform everyday activities. A person with dementia may also experience changes in mood or behavior.

Dementia is progressive, which means the symptoms will gradually get worse as more brain cells become damaged and eventually. “

It’s really hard to see my dad struggle and Not being able to remember things he’s just been told. The stress of things changing around him that he cannot control and not understanding and then in turn not remembering. I’m watching my mom losing the man she’s known for 45 years. I’m watching her grieving the loss of her husband. I’m losing the man who has helped me my whole life with so many things. He was the best guy to go to for different strategies or to figure out things. Stresses of course make it worse and change is really hard. Now she’s seeing the hallucinations. It breaks my heart but I’m so glad I can be there to just listen when things get tough.

One awesome thing that has helped is a local choir called Voices in Motion. It is a multi generational choir for those with memory loss and their caregivers. This choir has helped my dad so much. He no longer can read books but I often see him reading the notes of the music and I hear him singing and he’s started whistling>I’ve never heard him whistle ever in my life. He loves this choir because everyone excepts him for who he is. It is a well known fact that music increases socialization, cognitive function and everyone in the group has a huge appreciation for each other. For my mom it’s a place she can sing and get support at the same time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mACRfxjvddA

This is a link to the choir and some of the people singing. Even though there are some rough times I love all the support my mom has found and she has lots of friends who know and understand what is happening. This helps a lot and that there is respite care if my mom needs a break. I’m helping as much as I can and trying to be there for my mom as times are changing rapidly and so much is unknown.

I’m having a tough time

I’m having a tough time. It’s been almost 7 months since my husband left to live in the USA. I miss him a lot in so ways and others not so much. I’m not sure where that leaves me. I’ve been doing a good job with grieving and it’s less and less but today is a hard day.

I’m missing my routine of school and hanging out with friends or family. Being able to go anywhere you want and do things. I met one of the teachers from the school I grew to love so much this year and we had a great chat in the Parking lot of the grocery store. Good to see her but we both commented on how much life has changed. I was just thinking of kids at that school while I drove to pick up masks.

It’s been a tougher year for me this year with hurting my back and hip at work the end of January. I’ve bearly worked this year and now I’ve been laid off. It makes me sad because I love school and helping the kids. One good thing about all of this is I’m able to do respite care for the boy I worked with before. I’m helping him do his kindergarten lessons at home. I live spending time with this boy. He lights up my life so much. I’m Thankful I get to see him 3x a week. That also breaks up my days of just staying at home.

People who know me well know that I love animals. I love rabbits so much. Some call me the bunny whisper I’ve done things with rabbits I never thought I’d ever do. I have hand fed rabbits whose mothers could not feed them enough. I’ve rescued rabbits and fed them. Yesterday I rehomed one of my rabbits. I’ve had to retire both my male and female they are to old to continue breeding. 3 weeks ago my female gave birth to a very cute little baby rabbit. I stayed up most of the night making sure babies were born in the nest or helping when a baby got stuck.

It’s funny how and why I love rabbits they are the lowest animals on the totem pole. I’m sad to rehome my buck but the home he’s gone to is incredible and I could not pass up that opportunity. That doesn’t help with my sadness today. Life Before the pendemic was hard enough now this life I’m finding tough. I hope soon we can go back to some normalcy. I’m ready for that. I now find myself coordinating my masks with my wardrobe.

I know I will get through this like everyone else. It’s funny I’m at home a lot now and I’m writing less and less. Writing is good for my soul. How is everyone else doing during this pendemic? Tonight I will just pray more and reach out to those who I love. Thanks for listening. ❤️