The last two days we have had more snow then we are used to seeing. I think snow is just what we needed to help us continue on in the pendemic. The best thing about this snow was the sound of Laughter. Children and adults had fun. The snow brought joy to a world that hides their smiles behind their masks. Laughter is not a sound that we have heard lots of lately. Adults could have fun with their children and really spend quality time together.
One of my favorite things to hear is children laughing. The snow brought out so many people. Every hill had someone on it. Children and adults dusted off those toboggans and hit the hills. Garbage bags were used, anything that could be used to sled. I saw people out with their skii’s. In all the wonder the snow brought that peaceful lull that comes with the fall. Dogs were barking, my dog searching for his ball he lost. He bounded across the deep snow.
I saw many snowmen made with different colored scarves and hats. The snowman in the park across the street from my house had a traffic cone on its head. For two days the city stood still and people enjoyed life. For that time it was like there was no pendemic. 😎⛄❄️It gave people hope.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life in the last couple of days. I’ve been angry about the result of my knees. I was shocked when the surgeon said my knees were like that of a 70 year old. I was angry because I know a big part of that is to do with the starvation that I endured for 14 years. It rose up inside me anger at my dad and how his actions still effect my life. It brought up a lot of feelings about him. I wanted him to pay but I realized this was another part of forgiveness. Forgiveness is like an onion that gets peeled layer by layer. Someone close to me reminded me that yes it could be the starvation part but I also have played a role of sedentary that does not help my knees. I also realized that striking out to my dad was not the option God wanted me to go. I sought forgiveness for him again. I’m not forgiving him for what he did to me but releasing this to the Lord because it’s not worth one single ounce of breath.
I’ve come so far in my life that wasting my time on wanting him to pay is not my job. God will deal with him in His time. I let it go and gave it back to him. I feel at peace again. I’m so thankful that I can go to God when I feel like this and it completely changes me and my heart again. I listened to an amazing interview of my friend Kim Meeder she said something that was very profound that God told her she said “Do you now understand why I allowed you to walk in the valley of the shadow of darkness? I’m asking you to help others find a way through their pain. Your pain always has a purpose as we give it to Him.”
My pain has a purpose, I chewed on that for a long time. I realized that God has shown me many times He wants me to help others through hope and healing. My pain has not gone unnoticed but God will use it to help others. That is the bigger picture of my life. “When my people who are called by my name humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their evil ways. Then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin and heal their land. My eyes will be open and my ears will be attentive to prayer.” 2 Chronicles 7:14 – 15. What a promise this is.
I feel I’m supposed to continue writing my memoirs where I’ve been, what God has done in my life and how it all ties together. I will still share parts of it on my blog. That story needs to be told.
In church this past weekend we talked about justice and how that looks like in our lives. I’ve been quiet the past week or so because I got a bad report on my knee and I had a really hard time with it. I’ve got a lot of arthritis in it and it’s down to the bone and the surgeon said they are like the knee of a person of 70. I felt really angry because my knees are so bad from the lack of nutrition I had in my life for 14 years. It’s takes a toll on your body. I’ve already had to deal with my teeth being so bad.
Poor nutrition or lack of it as a kid not only effects you as a child but as I keep seeing it effects your life even in adulthood. It changes the way your brain is formed and can cause illness and depression. For me it’s now why my knees are so bad. I’m tired of hearing about things that effect me in my life because of what my dad and step mom did. Justice is a word that’s been coming up lately. Justice is needed in this world for people that have been abused, neglected or vulnerable.
Justice is also taking back your life that was stolen from you. For 14 years of my life I endured hell. I’m done with that. It’s time to take back that control of my life that was taken from me. I’ve been praying about it all. I have sought counsel on it and I will let you know more when I’ve asked the questions. This kind of justice is not me being so angry and wanting revenge. There is Godly anger that’s how I feel.
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. Isaiah 30 :18
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. Isaiah 30:18-19
My last blog I’m not sure why I didn’t write about the only reason why I was able to get through all my truama as a child and adult was not in my own strength but it was all on God’s strength. God is the healer of all pain. He is one who offers Hope and wholeness. God offers us permanent adoption into His family when we ask for it. We are adopted sons and daughters God’s arms are open wide and we are welcomed into His family. Gods truth shows us that we are no longer orphans and never alone.
We will still struggle in life but that feeling of never being alone is awesome. God’s love is huge, because I have chosen to be part of His family, He has healed me from all my wounds. I now live in Freedom. That’s the best gift of all. I was reminded of this truth today and wanted to share it with you all. This is the greatest gift in life. ❤️
I want to thank everyone who has read and liked my blog. I so appreciate the blog community and all my friends and family who read it. Last night was a part out of my memoirs. I will be sharing more and more of that this year. All my blogs are written with what God lays on my heart to write. I love writing, it truly has become a passion for me. I pray that my writing can help and encourage others. Thanks again and if you really like my blog you can like it comment, or just enjoy it.
I just watched Chicago Med tonight and wow it really effected me a lot. One of the patients in the hospital came in as she was not feeling well. Turns out she was a child that had been kidnapped and now was an adult. She was taken from her home at about 8 years old or so. She had been taken away from everything and everybody she knew. She had to grow up with strangers who took her. They stripped her of every thing even her name.
In Canada 50,000 children are missing each year. Most are found within a short period of time, others it’s long term missing. Some are abducted by strangers and most are taken by one parent or another. This is staggering 800,000 children in the US are missing, injured, run away from home or abducted.
The girl in this tv show for reunited with her mom in the end but what they don’t show you and for many abducted people is how life is after you get reunited. The hardest thing in this world is to come back and live life in a life you have never lived. For one you don’t know any of the people you’ve been reunited with. You don’t know them, their home, their city, schools nothing. I lived this life don’t get me wrong coming and meeting my mom and living here saved my life. My mom was so happy to have me back. I was gone for 12 years abducted by my real dad and taken with my brother to Ireland.
Being taken from my mom at such an early age leads to many issues with attachment. That’s the foundation for a healthy childhood. I was almost two and my brother was 5 and a half. For 12 years we lived apart from our mom. At 14 my brother and I met my mom. At 16 I moved here from Ireland with my one suitcase. That’s all I owned.
It’s hard enough being a teenager without now living a completely different life. I was enrolled in school. Canada and Ireland the cultures are so different and the children teased me so much for being different. Oh top of being different I had been brought up in a world of shelter and not having experiences other children had. I also endured a lot of abuse all types. I was extremely shy and withdrawn. To top it off I knew nobody except my brother but he was already out of the house trying to live his own life here in Canada.
Life was so confusing the rules made my head spin. I had no rules and no boundaries and I lived in fear. My mom was really good with me but we fought often because too much space scared me from how I was used to growing up. I had great survival skills but no social skills. What are you supposed to do with all of that? I did end up in counseling for long periods of time to sift through all the pain and trauma I had endured.
Despite all I have gone through in my life. My life today is really good. I’ve gone through addiction two different kinds and come out on the other side of both. When life was really hard and tough I never gave up and I always worked harder then anyone else to accomplish what I wanted. I am the woman who I am today because of my experiences in life. I have overcome so much and have so many people in my life who love me. I believe with all my heart that is why I succeeded so much in life. I was given all the tools to live life in a world that is not always forgiving. This world is tough especially when I was just trying to fit in like everyone else.
Last weekend I spent my time helping my dad. He’s got vascular dementia. Every 6 weeks I will go and hang out with him so my mom can have a respite break. Over 1.1 million Canadians are effected either with someone they know or indirectly with dementia. 5.8 million people in the US have been diagnosed with it. We know this disease processes. I see it everytime I look after my dad. The biggest thing with people with dementia is social isolation which of course is so prevalent now with Covid. Social isolation rises the stress the hormones which in turn creates more confusion. It’s a tough balance though because when things change it elevates that stress. Now when I go hang out with my dad I just take it all as it comes. Things that he loved so much before its hard to get him to want to do it.
One of my favorite things is to listen to his records with him. He loves music and music has been proven that it helps with memory. Music also improves quality of life, it reduces agitation and distress. It helps create new memories even with dementia. I know for me and I’m sure others can relate I listen to music when I feel stressed and it calms me down. It was hard to get my dad to sit and listen to his music. The whole weekend we listened to two records. I found watching tv seemed to calm him even though we could watch the same news all day and each time it’s new to him. We did find some great programs on different cultures.
I now see him taping his body which is a self soothing thing. Despite him having dementia he’s got the most Amazing sense of humor that cracks me up. He’s still really aware of what is going on its just his short term memory. We have the best conversations and he helps me figure out things I need. I never had any real relationship with the dad who lives in Ireland. Barry has always been the dad who has spent time with me. We laugh when I remind him how he helped me write all my English essays in school. He’s shaped me into the woman I am today. I love spending time with him. We love to walk and see how buildings are changing and walking on the beach. Dementia makes Everything is so simple we pick up rocks from the beach, we look out into the ocean and see boats, birds and seals. We smile at children and dogs and we just soak up what is around us. I make each moment count. That’s all he has now with short term memory. As we leave the beach and head home he will have forgotten what we did but that’s ok. The next memory is around the corner.
You would think standing up for people was an easy thing to do. It’s really hard especially when you hate conflict. God has had me standing up for people at school and now outside school. I was led to approach two gals at school about how they were treating another person. I couldn’t sit there anymore while they tore strips off another person. At first the two were really defensive and wanted to confront me. I prayed lots about it and set up clear boundaries with both of them. They were not very happy with me but now they both have changed their attitudes and have become much more pleasant to be around. I didn’t even have to meet with them. When they see me now and are very polite and friendly to me.
I’ve learned a lot about conflict over the years and many times it will end like it did in this situation. I know how to conduct myself and stand on what I believe. I also did it in love. I Believe others see me and watch me and that I can be an example to others. Christ asks us to love others. If I had approached the situation in a whole different manner then it would have ended up badly. At first I wanted to run away but I knew if I did the whole situation would have continued or gotten worse.
A couple of days ago I happened to be in the right place at the right time. I now know that God had me be at home off work that day for a reason. Again I was put in a situation that required me to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. It’s a really hard thing to do but one that I must do. I often talk about my own childhood and how nobody stood up for me as a kid. That totally messes your whole life up when anybody is caught in an abusive relationship /situation. It has taken me half of my life to get to where I don’t need therapy. Abuse of any kind messes you up bad. Now I don’t hesitate if I see something that is not right.
Again it’s really hard for me and it usually triggers me in some way. Now that I have healthy ways to deal with trauma. I reach out to my friends, phone people I trust, be really kind to myself and cry. To the day I die I will always stick up for others. I have protected many children and adults. I’m so glad God put this protective part in me. So next time you see someone in trouble reach out and help them. You can change their lives even in a small way.
Anybody who knows me, knows that I will stand up for what is right no matter how hard it is. This past week at work I had to tell two people that I was really uncomfortable with how they were treating someone else. They both were taken back and super defensive with me saying that I was uncomfortable. After listening to this last year and now one of the people f bombing the person and saying how incompentant they were. I decided to let them know that it made me really uncomfortable. I’ve still not talked with them because I won’t meet alone with them. I will discuss it but only when I have someone with me.
I hate conflict but I won’t and can’t stand back while two people are tearing down another person. I had to speak up and I will let them know that it’s not ok. Whether they are a child or an adult I will stand up for what is right. I will protect those that need protection.
In all my jobs I have stood up for both children and adults. As a child who had no power in my home to do anything and nobody speaking up for me in my home. People knew something was wrong but they all kept quiet. As I grew up and became an adult I promised myself that I would stand on my principals to protect the vulnerable or people that were being torn down unfairly by others.
I have ruffled a lot of people but I will continue to do what is right. It’s really hard for me to do but I also know that it’s the right thing to do. I love that now I can set boundaries with people and stand my ground. I’ve come a long way in my life. God gave me a huge heart for people and others. I understand and have compassion for those who are picked on or bullied. I understand loneliness, depression and that feeling like you just don’t fit anywhere. Nobody anywhere should feel like this. We all deserve to feel loved, wanted and appreciated.
We are called to help our neighbours. A good friend of mine said to me last night when I was complaining about taking water out of my basement. What would Jesus do? He would have helped out and taken that water out of that basement. Even though I felt it was not my job. I realized that we are called to help others and my landlord is older and he has a sick wife. This also is my home and he’s been very gracious with both Larry and I and so I realized that I’m so glad I was able to help him. This was a lesson in humility for me and I may not have liked it, I did it to help him. This morning I feel gratitude in my heart. This year as I thought about goals for 2021 I wanted to help people more. My attitude adjusted when I realized that I was given an opportunity to help a neighbour. I’m grateful for the friend who made me stop and realize that this was a good thing.
Just like the people that are coming over to put in a sump pump to help the landlord. We are all banning together to help out. When I die I want people to know that I will lend a hand to others no matter what. There are things in our lives that we don’t want to do but doing them makes you feel so much better inside.
Reach out to someone today. 🙂 Pay it forward to someone else. Bring a smile to the face of someone.