Instead of sitting at home wrestling with a bunch of emotions I decided to write about them. Writing I find therapeutic as oppossed to sitting in those emotions and doubts. I hate feeling hard emotions and every person I talk to who has had addiction in their lives will tell you emotions are hard. One of the reasons I turned to addiction was to block out those horrible feelings. At least these emotions I can control in some way and they are not scary. This past week though I have felt like hopping into bed and never coming out. Good thing I have a job that I cannot hide from but I did retreat to my home this weekend.
I need to trust God with my decisions He is the one who looks after me always. I feel a lot of doubt and scared and at times overwhelmed. Change is hard for me that unknown feeling, will I be good enough, will I have what it takes to be good at the job that is expected of me. I sat down this weekend and stared at my resume for a long time and as I was adding things into it a feeling of panic washed over me. I have the skills to be an EA in the school sysyem but do I have enough or will I be able do what is asked of me. I’m really good at my job now and I love all children but I have limited experience with older children. I did enjoy them when I worked in after school care and I will be helping children that need more in the school.
I know the Early Childhood field so well and loved it but now I’m not challenged in it anymore I want to work with special needs children. It’s a big change for me, but that’s my fear talking as everyone I know tells me I will be a perfect fit in this new job. I then have to be confident in my interview. I always seem to get tongue tied and waffley. I’m praying that if this is what I’m indeed intended to do that God will help me bold and confident as I go for an interview. A woman I know who is a principal in the school system has offered to help me with my resume.
I have a lot of support and I just need to believe in myself. One of the little boy’s theraptist’s told me on Friday that she will miss working with me in the setting I am in. It will be a big change but I need to remember that God will look after me no matter what. I will embrace this change and see where it leads me. I’m not going to worry about my future for today I must think only of today.