Addiction

Nobody ever imagines that they will get caught up in addiction. For me I wanted to block out the nightmares, the horrendous life I had been through. Anything I would do to not feel that. When I first moved from Ireland to Canada I was socially behind. I was a very shy 15 year old but at a level of about a 10 year old.  As far as I know I could have been from another planet. The differences between Ireland and Canadian are so fr apart. I never spoke for the first month. I had been taken out of the only home I knew, even though it was horrible. I had 4 siblings younger than me and my sister Lynn was my best friend. I now had to live with a mother whom I bearly knew.  I knew deep down that this was the best place for me to be to succeed in life but it’s hard. I left all my friends without ever saying goodbye to any of them.

After you are taken from your mom at such a young age and later come back to live with her. There is no manual saying this is how your supposed to live. My childhood was a train wreak how do you ever explain it to anyone, and who would believe you anyways.  Living with my mom saved my life, but a very difficult transition.  I didn’t know this woman and she had very different ideas and how to live then I ever had. She is a very neat person and nobody ever taught me how to clean my room. In Ireland my stepmom would ask me to clean my room and then thought it was really funny to come in and destroy everything I worked so hard on. I had no idea the difference between right and wrong because of all the lies and having to admit that I did things I had never done.  That’s just cruel. Nobody should ever treat a child or anybody like that.

My mom expected me to clean my room, but I often left it in a mess because I was afraid that she too would come in and destroy what I had worked so hard on. I just didn’t bother. She had a tough time with that.  I had huge expectations in her home that I had never had, because nobody cared for me and I was just tossed aside. Expectations confused me so much so I would just disappoint my mom because that was what was expected of me growing up. Why try when your just a huge failure anyways.  Then I went to a high school that I had no idea what the heck was going on. I could bearly function day to day, let alone what we were learning. I had no idea. MY mom and stepdad were often called to the school as I was failing badly.

I remember like it was yesterday the school psychologist coming to the school with his flip chart and I could only get through 2 of his pages.  The results came back that I was at a grade 4 level in English and I was in grade 10. No wonder I was never challenged in the school I went to and I had incredible street smarts but not a clue about school work. I had to survive in so many ways growing up that I had no time to sit and learn. I mistrusted all adults, except a few that I now know helped me survive.  I was bullied in school for being different and because of how I talked. I knew hardly anything because I was never taught and the kids thought that was really funny. How can kids be so cruel.  

As I said before I was not looking for addiction it just happened to work for me at a time in my life when I needed it. Now I know it was not a healthy option but it was all I had at the time. How can anybody make sense of that life I endured.  After drinking to block out the pain and so much more. I used it as liquid courage then one day you realize you are hooked and now it’s become an addiction and how do you stop. God did take that from me years later but only after I endured a lot of pain from it. I’m internally gratefully for that.  Everybody knows that if you don’t deal with why you drank or whatever you’ve done in your life it will come out in other ways. I always had the underlining of sexual addiction in my life. I now know it is an intimacy disorder so then it came out in full force and struggled with it for a long time.

I know have over a year and a half of sobriety from it. My sobriety date is August 8th. It has taken a lot to get here but having lots of support in your life is one of the keys to success.  I have an awesome accountability partner, filters on all my technology and when I need to talk to someone a good counselor. I have good friends who know when I need to talk are right there. I have an awesome community with my church. I finally let down the walls and now have a community of woman who are my age I can share with.  I have a crazy labradoodle dog who is so devoted to me that if I’m gone anywhere he is lost without me. God has done so much for me in my life and without Him I would never have come so far. I tell people that without God in my life I would be dead.

I am very grateful for all the opportunities i have been given in my life. It’s Hard to understand why these things happened to me, but those who know me know that my strong beliefs I have; are because of how I was brought up. I will stand on things that people will shy away from.  There is so much to be grateful for like I wrote in a previous post.