Tomorrow August 8th is my third year anniversary from addiction. This was the last day that I acted out. I had no idea that I would not do it again. For me this addiction is one of the harder ones to stop. It’s an addiction where you can hide it in the darkness. Before I was able to be free of it, I felt like I was in a prison and trapped forever. Every time I felt rejected it reared its ugly head. I often felt huge shame and unworthiness with it. That would spiral me further into addiction.
I’ve writtten it before that the key to my freedom was forgiveness. One day brushing my teeth God told me that my freedom was in forgiveness. My heart was black from hate and the more I hated the worse I became trapped in addiction. I did not know how to forgive two people in my life that I felt destroyed me. How do you forgive people that beat me and starved me for no reason and treated their animals better than me. I hated these two. I wanted them to pay for what I had endured.
The problem with that is everytime I fell in addiction they continued to have power over my life. It’s hard to be A Christian with hate in your heart. Now I think that God forgave each of us seventy times seven. No matter what we have done in our lives He forgives us. When your in that hate you don’t see Anything else. Three years ago I had an opportunity to go to Oregon and got to walk in the wilderness with my good friend Kim. I Remember that day like it was yesterday. It was winter time usually Bend is covered in snow but this day the sun beat down on both of us. The wilderness was dusty and Kim brought her dogs. One was a puppy and she ran in front of us playing with the other dog. I had a hard breathing because Bend is so high and I live at sea level so after I got a massive headache we stopped and knelt down in the Sage bushes to pray.
Kim asked me where I was. I said I was in a room and I was alone curled up in a ball. I was crying and calling out to God because I was scared. Kim said who is in the room with you. I said it was dark nobody but me. She told me to look harder. Then Behind me I saw a Shadow and a light and I saw Jesus Kneeling beside me stroking my hair. I cried because I realized that God had been with me in my childhood when I felt so lonely. I always was angry at God for not being there.
In that moment I knew I was never ever alone and that God had been there. I forgave my dad and stepmom for all they had done to me and wow I cried so much. After the prayer I realized I was still kneeling in the dust but a huge burden had been lifted from my heart. I no longer had problems breathing and my headache was gone. Instead I walked really straight and felt amazing. To this day I occasionally pray for them when God leads. That was the last day of my addiction. I now live in in the Light.
I would never have imagined that I could break free but I was able to and my chains were broken. Addiction is very crippling in our lives and sometimes we feel like we will never live in Freedom. There is help and hope and I pray that this will bring you one step closer to your freedom.