I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life in the last couple of days. I’ve been angry about the result of my knees. I was shocked when the surgeon said my knees were like that of a 70 year old. I was angry because I know a big part of that is to do with the starvation that I endured for 14 years. It rose up inside me anger at my dad and how his actions still effect my life. It brought up a lot of feelings about him. I wanted him to pay but I realized this was another part of forgiveness. Forgiveness is like an onion that gets peeled layer by layer. Someone close to me reminded me that yes it could be the starvation part but I also have played a role of sedentary that does not help my knees. I also realized that striking out to my dad was not the option God wanted me to go. I sought forgiveness for him again. I’m not forgiving him for what he did to me but releasing this to the Lord because it’s not worth one single ounce of breath.
I’ve come so far in my life that wasting my time on wanting him to pay is not my job. God will deal with him in His time. I let it go and gave it back to him. I feel at peace again. I’m so thankful that I can go to God when I feel like this and it completely changes me and my heart again. I listened to an amazing interview of my friend Kim Meeder she said something that was very profound that God told her she said “Do you now understand why I allowed you to walk in the valley of the shadow of darkness? I’m asking you to help others find a way through their pain. Your pain always has a purpose as we give it to Him.”
My pain has a purpose, I chewed on that for a long time. I realized that God has shown me many times He wants me to help others through hope and healing. My pain has not gone unnoticed but God will use it to help others. That is the bigger picture of my life. “When my people who are called by my name humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their evil ways. Then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin and heal their land. My eyes will be open and my ears will be attentive to prayer.” 2 Chronicles 7:14 – 15. What a promise this is.
I feel I’m supposed to continue writing my memoirs where I’ve been, what God has done in my life and how it all ties together. I will still share parts of it on my blog. That story needs to be told.