How do you unpack 14 years of abuse, neglect and never knowing what will happen to you next? I never felt safe in my home. I wanted to die over and over again. I tried to commit sucide and I couldn’t even do that right. I just got really sick and had my stomach pumped out. Something you only try once. When I went to Oregon one Christmas. I went for a walk in the wilderness with my good friend. A woman who helped me see that not only was God with me all those years of calling out that He often held me. When I thought I was alone in my many bedrooms. My friend prayed for me to see that God was always there for me. This time in the wilderness we both kneeled in the dust and sun among the Sage bushes. We prayed and I forgave my dad and stepmom and I laid all my addictions at the foot of the cross. I asked God to forgive me for using addiction to run from my issues. We both prayed together and I forgot that my friend was with me. It was just me and God. The sun beat on her faces in December. It should have been snowing that day but instead it was a really warm day.
After that prayer I felt lighter in my step. Bend Oregon is high up so I’m not used to the altitude so before we knelt down to pray my head felt like it would explode. I live at sea level. After we prayed my headache was completely gone. I could breathe so much better. That day my life changed. I still had to work really hard to stay sober and figure out how to not want a high. I had one more slip and then that was it no more. My accountability partner as always stood beside me and encouraged me to move forward and love myself. She taught me and gave me tools to use. I had to find things to keep me busy when I was on holidays or breaks from school. I would knit a lot because when you knit you couldn’t be in addiction. I painted lots of rocks and read lots of books. I listened to loud worship Music as much as I could. I listened to podcasts and downloaded audio books. I journaled lots and started writing blogs. I wrote often and I reached out to my friends. I started to work on myself and slowly it took a while to see how God looks and feels about me.
I colored lots and did puzzles and kept myself busy with healthy things. They say it takes 20 days to break a habit. It took me a while a bunch of days to help it stick. Still my hardest thing was my emotions and feeling. I used to think I would die if I felt. My accountability partner would smile at me and tell me that she knows of nobody that ever died from feeling. Sitting with those emotions was awful but now emotions are easier to deal with and guess what I’m still alive. My whole life I numbed out pain, ran from it and used addiction to cope. She taught me how to stand on boundaries when things got to much. She taught me how to scream my guts out in my car to release frustration. It felt better when I did. I don’t think she knows that as I would always tell her I can’t do that.
I am the person who I am today because people in my life loved me and encouraged me to never give up no matter what. They pushed me and helped me grow. They believed in me when I didn’t know how. They loved me and prayed with me. They helped me survive my life and for that I’m internally grateful. Just like God in my life being there for me no matter what. I’m blessed to have these people. Thank you God for sending them. I also help others and encourage them just like it was done for me. Love conquers all. ❤️