Triggers

Oh man it’s been a rough week. I just went along with all that happened. It was not until today I realized that the triggers I had this week were all related together. I’ve been reading a book called when your body keeps score. It’s about people with trauma and how your body responds to stress and triggers. Our bodies are amazing how they respond to stress and how to survive such trauma. For me when things get to much I get sick. Everyone knows about Fight, Flight or Freeze.

This week I was shook up with the first incident. I was not involved with it but it bothered me a lot. When I’m really stressed or overwhelmed I feel spaced out by it and then I get stress dreams. Then the next day a similar thing happened but it effected me more because it was with a child I know well. Again it shook me up and it taps into my PTSD. Then I’m on edge. A third thing happened yesterday and it scared me a lot and I wanted to run from it but I was out supervising the children. I called for help instead. I couldn’t do anything about it so I started to numb it out. That’s how I cope with things I can’t control. I had more stress dreams.

When your busy you can’t stop to figure out what is happening. I prayed about it silently. This morning I woke up not feeling well. I realized today after I was totally exhausted that I had used food as an escape. I was telling a friend today all the crap I’ve eaten this past week. While this was all happening I did not stop and clue in what was going on. Now looking back on it I see triggers from 3 incidents that all were related. They triggered being taken from my mom even though I have no memory of that. That feeling of not being able to do anything about it and the third incident of feeling safe. It probably would have been better if by now I’m not in heightened mode of PTSD.

I will get sick my body just shuts down when it’s too much to deal with. I’ve come so far in my life and triggers are less and less. I hate it as it makes me feel really vulnerable. I want to just stay at home and isolate but I will force myself to go out. Sickness is how my body copes with the stress and the trauma. I hope as I get healthier and healthier I can catch the trigger before it gets to this point.

You never forgot trauma but it’s way better then it was. I spent today praying and letting myself know that I’m safe. I know I’m safe it’s the situations around me but I have to trust God that it will all be ok. Instead of staying in this unhealthy place I’m CHOOSING to work through it. My faith just grows more and more and I know that God is with me no matter what. This is my favorite verse above. God continues to renew our strength and with Him we won’t be weary or faint. Such a great promise.

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