Life began happening really fast since the first time I met my mom. Peter he moved out here to go to school. My mom wanted me to spend two months of my summer holidays with me in Canada. As soon as school was done I was on a flight to Victoria. I had mixed feelings because the only family I knew was my family in Ireland. Yes this woman was my mom but she was a complete stranger to me. I had no feelings for her even though she treated me well.
I had come from a very shelthered life where I was scared of my own shadow. I trusted nobody and even less people who were nice to me. They were people that hurt me the most. Peter was busy with his life here and had no time for his sister. He also treated badly because of how he had been taught. I never noticed until I was out of that environment. My mom was horrified how he talked to me. How would he know any difference that was what was modelled to him.
My mom and Ben had a tent trailer and they wanted to take me in holidays with them. I had no idea how I was supposed to act and my mom is particular on how she wants things and I’m not used to having people tell me things so I fought with her. When I argued with her she did nothing so I pushed her more and more and she never hit me. That was a weird concept. Her expectations of me seemed over the top and I could not figure out what she wanted. I never had expectations or boundaries. My mom was very neat and tidy and I well I just didn’t care. We clashed often.
We travelled to the interior and it was beautiful except that I couldn’t see properly because even though I had glasses I could not see Anything out of them. Everything was always fuzzy. I hate that I missed all that beautiful scenery. We did go to Bakersville it’s an old town where they acted out the town and I got to pan for gold. That was awesome and I loved it. My mom and Ben loved to hike and well I had never hiked anywhere in my life so I complained often and said I was sick.
It was difficult trying to have a relationship with my mom. I had no idea what our how to have one. All I knew were four walls and limited time out of them. I also only had school and that was it. My world was really small. With my mom my world was huge and there was no safe place for me. I became so anxious and panicked. I wanted to go back home to Ireland. I didn’t want to be here anymore.
As I write this I’m saddened by this but my world was so small and at least I knew what was happening even if it was beatings every day, locked in my room, starving and my family. At least I knew what was coming. With my mom my world was too large and I couldn’t handle it. I had no idea what was happening day by day. It was safer yes but in reality not safer for me. I returned home after my summer holidays to find that my life would be turned upside down forever.
Beauty from Ashes. 