AA works for many people around the world so I’m not saying that people should not go. AA just didn’t work for me. Everyone can choose their higher power but for me mine is God. For so many its a rock or a tree or something else. I could not have stopped drinking if God was not in my life. It’s tough though when your caught in addiction and you do things that you would often not do when you were sober. As I said before I tried to stop drinking many times but well addicts know you don’t just stop or you can’t on your own. I lived a triple life for so long then the cracks in my life started and I couldn’t hold my life together anymore. I had to go to an anger management course through work which was very eye opening. Almost all the woman in it had been mandated to take the course through the courts. You had to go everyday it was on and if you missed any of you you failed. There were some hard core people in there who had been in jail. I was scared and kept my head down. One day a lady came and talked to us about a program for people addicted to alcohol. They only problem with it was it was only offered during the day and so I could only go to one class because I was going back to work. I remember the lady raising her voice at me and telling me unless I was serious about my addiction I would never get better.
I only went that once and I have to tell you that the woman that were waiting to go into the program were really rough looking. Obviously had been drinking for a long time. I realized that if I didn’t stop that I too would look like that as well one day. That scared me so much. My family found me a lady who did counseling for addictions and I worked really hard with her. No matter what I did I could never stay sober. I felt lost and hopeless and when I used to feel good drinking I no longer felt like that. I felt stressed so much and felt awful. I felt such shame and I hated myself.
I was at a cross road in my faith as I begged God to help me or kill me. I fell into deep depression and I stopped caring about anything. I had amazing friends who thank God would check on me and try and help. I was at a crossroads in my faith and a friend of mine invited me to a bible study which I did not want to go to. I said I’d go for a month and after that I was leaving my faith. I was done. There obviously was no God and where was he when I called out to him. I counted down the weeks of the study. Before the last time I prayed one last prayer for a crazy thing. I asked God if He was real to have the guy who ran the Bible study to bring a big stack of reference books as he only ever brought his bible to the study.
I arrived at the study and the guy was not there and he came really late and as I was thinking to myself yup there’s no God. He walked in with a big stack of reference books. My mouth dropped and I was shocked. I knew that was a sign that I needed to still rely on God. The guy who ran the bible study helped me with ministry and during that time God showed me what was blocking me from stopping drinking. God took that desire of drinking from me and over 25 years I’ve never had that desire to drink again.
God healed me of my addiction to alcoholism and from that day forward I told God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do. Miracles do happen and I’m so very grateful that He healed me that day. I had to work really hard on loving myself and to not feel shame when things were hard. I never drank again but those feelings that drove me to drink would come up. Abandonment, rejection were huge triggers for me. I continued counseling to work on feelings and for a long time because I had numbed out feelings I would panic but I had to just sit in those feelings. My flight would kick in. I realize now feelings won’t kill you.
If your struggling with addiction of any kind there is help out there. There are many good programs for people. You have to find out what fits for you. A good support system is also good. A good counsellor was key for me to talk about what is happening. I’m so Thankful and blessed for life. I make sure that I don’t ever take it for granted. 🙂