Homeless

I’ve been avoiding writing this part of my memoirs because it brings up lots of pain. Lately I’ve been struggling with my finances ever since I had to move twice in 8 months. I felt like I was finally ahead and had some savings. I never planned that after I moved the first time 6 months later I would be asked to move. God has provided me with an awesome place to live and I’ve been really blessed but financially it has put in in debt and its so hard to get out of it. I often feel stressed about it but know that God looks after me. One of my friends today gave me the verse “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7). So God is in control of this situation just like he’s been there in all the situations I’ve been in.

After we moved out of the home we lived in for 10 months, Luke and I could not afford first and last months rent and we had no budgeted for rent because we got free rent for caretaking the ranch. The time came for us to move and it was in May and we found a Campground next door to where one of my friends lived. We set up our things and we had a storage space so we could get all we needed to live. We had heat and extention cords for light and we had a big tent with two rooms in it. My biggest fear in life was feeling unsafe. Luke worked all day so we had money for food and to pay for our stay. The lady who owned the campground let us stay right by the washrooms and they had the best showers. At first I felt like we were on holidays and it was fun but month after month we lived there. I lived in that campground for 3 months and it about broke me.

Thank goodness I had Liberty my golden retriever to help me when I fell into a deep depression. I could not get out of bed she often would crawl into bed with me and lick me and snuggle up close to me. That’s what made me get up and I would walk over to see my friend and her family. Thank goodness for them. That helped me forget I was homeless. From all the things I’ve been through in my life I never ever imagined I would have no home. I hated that I couldn’t lock my door and because I have PTSD. It got super heightened and I became so jumpy. The other crazy thing was I was pretty close to the Canadian border so now I realized I could have reached out to my family. I didn’t because of the frame of mind I was and that I felt such shame. I was angry at Luke for not protecting me. He told me he would and he let me down and my trust for him stopped. He told me this was all part of God’s plan. I still struggle with that. This was one of my fears in life and now it was a reality. I ate my feelings and slept lots and felt massive depression.

After 3 months I cried more than I ever wanted to. I felt hopeless and had no idea how to get out of this mess. We had a friend of ours give me money and I flew back to Black Mountain, NC. I stayed with good friends of ours at the time and while I was there for to stay with more of my friends on the weekends. That was good and I liked that but I was far from Luke for the rest of the summer. Liberty had to stay with our old neighbours up beside the ranch we looked after. I missed her so much and she missed me. I know that because after a month she’d wander off to find me. That three month tenting stint my family had no idea and at the end of the summer Luke drove back with Liberty and we found a home to rent. Our marriage was never the same again. Many of my friends told me that was not God’s plan for us at all. I have my thoughts on it. That whole move and everything that happened made people question Luke. Even though it was hard I made friends that I still cherish to this day.

As I was stressing today about money I felt God wanted me to write this blog to put my life into perspective. Yes funds seem less right now but I have a roof over my head, I have an awesome job, I have my family nearby and I have the best friends one can ask for. I have an amazing who I love with all of my heart. He’s the love of my life and I have a rabbit who I love very much as well. I’m blessed to have a lovely home and well I have many blessings. The other thing is there are so many people who have it worse off and I needed that reminder of where I have came from to now. Thank you God for that reminder. So even though this blog was hard to write I see so much light in it. Puts a whole spin in perspective.