Author: walking in freedom

This past week I took a writing class with a writer and an editor. She’s got an amazing gift of interpretation of what we wrote. Every time I take one of her classes she teaches me so much about writing. Here is one of the pieces I wrote on Christmas.

As a child I longed to feel like I belonged and feel that love that I saw my siblings getting. I wanted to feel that excitement like they did on Christmas morning. I do remember getting a Selection box full of chocolate goodies and a Christmas orange in my stocking. Those times were great because I was part of my family.

The hardest part of that though was when I wanted that every Christmas, but for some reason now I didn’t get anything. What a feeling that is to watch your siblings get Christmas gifts and you didn’t get anything. You feel so alone, so unloved, so crushed. All you wished for was one single gift.

Christmas time growing up in Ireland was hard. Then moving to Canada Christmases were great and I felt that love and part of a family. My wish had come true. It was a simple wish. A child’s simple wish.

First of all I feel gratitude for the people in my life. The people who stick by me no matter what. I know that I’m loved that’s taken me an eternity to figure out. No matter what I have done/where I’ve been. Those are true friends. For a couple of weeks now I’ve been challenged with a friend who said that something I had done that I took advantage of her trust and that had hurt her and our friendship.

I was horrified to think that I had hurt someone who had been really close to me. I phoned them up and apologized to them. I would have made that right a year and a half ago had I known that I had done something wrong.

That explains why I have seen this person for 1 hour this year. This has been one of my hardest years and I kept trying to communicate with them. I had no idea what it was something I did that hurt them. When someone is as close to you as we were it hurts to think that I hurt them and I never would ever take advantage of them or our friendship. I now want to make it right. I’ve hurt others in my life and even lost one of my good friends because of decisions I made and who I married to. They got hurt in the process. It felt awful and they walked away. One of other friends told me that time would heal those wounds. Year after year I watched their children grow up on Facebook. My friend Wendy told me that, that friendship would be renewed. I never believed that would ever happen.

I prayed often for that because I missed my friend. Then I was invited to a Christmas shop thing at one of our local malls. You brought tickets and you got to shop and get deals. Wendy invited me to go and my friend was there that we had been apart from and another gal. Wendy and I shopped and it was good to see my friend again. Then we did more and more things and we talked about what had happened and I slowly built up that trust again. I realized that Wendy was the one who helped that happen. Now our friendship is even stronger then it was ever before. I also gained another friend and we were the 4 that hung out together with Wendy when she was alive.

It’s made me think about what is friendship to me. I wish I had known why we hadn’t spent time together this year. It sounds like there were more things that had happened and someone told me this past week that, this was probably the last straw. That hit me hard because I’m not sure why it’s so hard to tell me what I was doing was not ok. I have been totally in the dark. When someone is so close to me and knows me better then most why would you not tell me that there was a problem. That explains why this was so drastic.

I’m really sorry that I hurt this person and I told them that. To me friendship is about communicating especially if something is bothering you. I look at my friends who I have in my life and we share our feelings, we pray, we laugh, we cry, we hang out together and we are there for each other no matter what.

What does friendship look like to you?

It’s going to look different for each person. I hope this relationship will get repaired through time. I guess it will be one step at a time. I think it’s hard to build relationships without communication. It’s an important relationship to me so I will work on it. That’s all I can do. It’s also hard to not know what you did wrong because how can you fix that and most likely I will do the same thing again.

For now I’m going to concentrate on the friendships I do have that are awesome and wonderful. I’m blessed to have each of them in my life.

This saying when you figure it out move forward or when you feel depressed or in grief to be told you can just snap out of it. Those sayings make me want to scream. I just don’t get why people say these things. I know they are trying to help but that’s not helpful. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just snap out of it. Why did I have depression or now grief. Yes we do have choices in our lives. Wow do you realize that if we snapped our fingers we would no longer have mental health issues.

I used to think I was weak because I couldn’t get my stuff together. I didn’t plan on grieving for almost a year for my best friend who died. I didn’t plan on grieving for my dad when he can’t be there for me anymore.

I think of all the other people in the world who are told the same similar things that makes them think that there is something wrong with them. Mental health issues still have stigma around them. Why, why do people not understand?

Last night I feel like I was treated as fragile because I can’t figure out why I feel a certain way. Poor Sarah she can’t get it together. At least I’m dealing with my feelings and what’s happening not stuffing then under the carpet or using an addiction to deal with it. I’m feeling those feelings. I hate how that feeling makes me feel but I realize it’s not about me. It’s the people who said that.

The next time someone says that to you, why not listen to what they are going through and be compassionate. We all have feelings and if we are not in the same space as you that’s ok.

This past week I felt sad with the rest of the world about Matthew Perry and his sudden death. I had watched the entire 10 seasons of Friends during Covid and had grown up with Friends like many of us had. I cried when he had died. I loved him as Chandler Bing on friends because he was funny. I was so glad he got to go to the Friends Reunion even though he was struggling on there. I heard last year he had written a memoir about his life and how hard he had struggled with addiction. He wanted to shed light on addiction.

Those of is who have been caught in addiction know that it breeds in darkness. It’s a darkness that seems like it’s never ending and you feel like your in hell. I decided to download the audible of Matthew Perry called Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing. He reads the audible version and wow its been very enlightening. It’s also very tough to read at times.

As I’ve listened this week, I realized that some of the things he’s experienced in his life I understood exactly how it felt and it drew me back into where I struggled with addiction. The feeling like you never belonged no matter what you did. That lonely feeling wishing that your family paid attention to you and feeling like you never got into your family. The feelings of abandonment and rejection and the shame that you felt almost like you were drowning.

Trauma messes up your brain so much and you drop people before they drop you so you don’t feel that rejection all over again. Matthew Perry talked about the holes you felt often and how nothing could fill them up and for him only pills and alcohol could do that. The more he ran the more he got trapped in addiction and how many times he had to go to rehab. Those places just take you off the drugs but never got into why you started in the first place.

I wrote in my memoirs about me in addiction but not thought about it in a long time especially when I turned to alcohol to numb the pain. It’s hard for me to talk about even though I’ve not drank in 30 years. The years I did it so much I just don’t remember but I was out of control. I related to a lot of how Matthew felt. I was so shy that if I didn’t drink then I was a basket case all evening if we ever went out and if guys were there it made it worse. I had liquid courage and you felt like you fit with everyone you met and I have a really good sense of humor so it would come out more and people laughed out made you feel good.

I was really surprised how much I could relate to what Matthew was saying in his memoirs. I started drinking for the same reasons he started. I also had friends that helped me even though I thought I was hiding it well. It all catches up with you though. Thank goodness I never did drugs but when I felt God took my alcoholism away and I still did not deal with my past I just went into addiction.

I hate that Matthew had to go through all of this in his life, but one thing he did say was if he died he wanted people to know that he helped others in addiction. Not to just be remembered for his role on friends. He had started turning his life around and really helping people stop addiction in a rehab he developed. In one of his homes he turned out into a rehab program. People were staying sober because it was more than just drying out. Yes if you don’t get to the root of your addiction why you started on the first place you will continue in other addictions.

For me I had to lean solely on the Lord and He became the thing I needed to fill in the holes in my life. I had to go to counseling and talk about hard things and the worse part how to feel. I had a counsel who told me that nobody ever died from feeling. It was so hard because I numbed out those feelings. I had lots of support and even though I’ve thanked many of my counselers. One helped me over and above in her practice.

I could not have changed my life like I did without her. She was tough and I needed tough because I could and knew all the ways to get around everything. One of the things I had promised myself was always to tell someone when I fell. That was really hard but that stopped the secrets and that addiction was brought into the light. Addiction tries to stay hidden and it’s easy to hide until its not.

I’m still listening to the memoirs and I’m really glad I decided to listen. Yes even though it’s really hard sharing our stories are so important. I think of our opioid crisis right now, worse then it’s ever been. These people are someone’s children. They often don’t get help or get lost in our system. I’m lucky that I have had people who never gave up on me and showed me that I am worth it. I hardly ever feel shame or rejection which I’m so greatful for.

If you can listen to Matthew Perry’s memoirs I would highly recommend it and read about his legacy. May he rest in peace.

Thank you for everyone who has helped me over the years and Believing in me when I couldn’t do it myself. Loving me where I couldn’t sell that love and for sticking by me no matter what. This is why I wrote my memoirs on my blog. I need to finish them.

Thanks to all my readers who listened to me sharing the hardest parts of my life. We need to keep sharing our stories and through that pain is healing. ♥️

Went to an awesome conference last Saturday it was on Grief and Hope. I’ve been struggling lately and felt stuck with so much grief in my life. Grief of any kind can be tough and it seems to compound when more is packed on. I think of grief in layers that you peel back. You work on it feels better more comes you peel or back and continue to work on it. I didn’t have the money to attend the conference so one of the pastors from my church said my church would fund it so I could go. That was very kind of them and I’m so glad I went. It has helped me feel lighter this past week.

I know from issues or things in my life even if it’s hard, it’s good to talk about what is bothering you. Grief shed into the light one helps keep it from being in darkness and it helps others around you understand more of what is going on. They talked about hope leaning into it and reading the Psalms helps with a range of emotions, responses and experiences. How the psalms meet us in our stories. How there are lament psalms about loss and suffering. How trusting God in all of it. He is in control. Christ shares our suffering and how He wept with his friends. Then how there is resurrected Hope and again through the psalms of Thanksgiving.

We need to share our stories with others so that people are encouraged and given hope. This is the biggest reason why I write my blog. Our pain yes it’s difficult when we go through it, but I know that it shapes us and that pain is turned into hope.

I so appreciate all the hard work from the people who put this conference together especially our pastor . The week before she lost her dad and then did this conference. I know I was encouraged so much along with others. Grief will come and go but out of that I see so much to be thankful for.

This past Friday I went to an amazing workshop. I had a pro D day at school. She was phenomenal. I’ve taken a lot of work shops in truama and I know a lot about this topic. I continue to go so that I can be the best person in my classroom. So I know there are a lot of children that have trauma in their lives but the statics now wow are 60 – 70% of children showing up with emotional issues. No wonder our classrooms are hard and teachers are burning out.

Angela Murray was the speaker she’s also a writer of children’s books and she used to be a teacher and now is a counselor. She obviously had trauma in her life because she was real and raw and she knows. She started off by saying that we are all magic and that we can build magic relationships with our students. You’ve heard me say before that I’m drawn to the students that need lots of help and those that just need to know that you love them no matter what. I was one of those students so I understand and I understand why they push you away first so that they don’t get hurt. They don’t want to push you away but it’s to try and stop getting hurt yet again.

She talked about building relationships with children who have truama. I always tell people that if they don’t trust you, you have nothing. I use humor in my classroom a lot because children with trauma don’t smile much. The child in my class that often would scowl at me or put their tongue out at me. We were in the sensory room and they were standing behind me and they were breathing heavily. I asked them are you Darth Vader? They smiled because they knew who he was. Then this very simple game came out of that where I heard this child laugh. I had never heard them laugh in fact they giggled. That was the start of that trust relationship and now this child smiles when they see me and tells me that they love me and blows me kisses when they are going home.

Trust is not always that simple. It can take time and patience. It was a good reminder for me to remember that when a child is elevated that telling them what they need to do is not the right time. They also cannot learn anything because they are in survival brain and that nothing else matters. I’m going to create a calming kit for some of the children in my classroom when they feel that out of control feeling. Angela also talked about breathing and how this helps calm down your nervous system.

I’m going to look into getting Angela’s books for our school. So great for Students with big emotions.

https://www.angelamurphyauthor.ca/wonder-pup

Remember no matter what you do in your life that you are magic.

Before each school year starts I pray about the children who will come to my kindergarten. We’ve never met these children or their families so we have no idea who these children are.

I realized after school started that every year I have a child with truama in my class. I always Believe that things don’t just happen for no reason and that each one of these children are placed just where they are supposed to be.

Having had severe truama in my life I know and understand these children very well. This year is no different. I told my teacher that I’m going to give this child so much love. We already know that love changes everything.

One of the reasons I wanted to work in a school was because school for me was my safe place. Teachers were kind to me and I found people in my life whom I could trust. I loved school so much and hated holidays when they came around. One of my favorite places to be is in the library. That’s where I found a love of reading. When I went on those adventures I didn’t have to think about how horrible my life was. I could dream big in adventures.

Trust is huge and if you don’t have trust with a child you don’t have anything. Children who have truama in their lives often are really serious. Slowly I’ve been able to get this child to laugh. I find humor a good way to break the ice. It also builds that trust and consistency.

I love that the child I worked with last year every time they see me they come up and give me a huge hug. I love that. Once you build that trust they are more responsive to what you want for them.

I really love my class this year. It’s really cool to hear the conversations that kindergarteners have. I also have an amazing teacher who includes me in everything in our class. I feel that love that our children feel. I’m feeling blessed.

Before every school year I pray for the children that we get in our classroom. Every since I started in my school that was 4 years ago. God has brought me just the right child. Everyone of them has had trauma in their lives. It wasn’t until this year that I realized God brings these children into my life for a reason. He knows that because they had a traumatic childhood, that I understand and give care and compassion to these children.

Not only do I care but I understand so many things about trauma. Trauma is ugly no matter how you slice it but I do know that love is the way to conquer it. Love and being there no matter what and trust. I see myself in each one of these children. It’s hard for me to see and hear the stories. This year is no exception. I told my teacher that I was going to love this child so much.

I see them fighting because that’s the only thing that they can control in their lives and that is a survival thing. If we didn’t fight we’d never survive. I remember doing the exact same thing fighting with all my worth. Children with trauma often get sick more easily. I see that I’m me as well.

It about broke my heart to hear about the child in my class. I wanted to just pick them up and hug them forever. So young and seen so many things that we know from trauma that you get stuck in age where it started. So much loss and rejection even when your young you feel that. This child has only survived because one person in their lives has stepped into the gap for them.

Even though it’s very difficult this person loves them so much and is the only consistent person in their lives. You only need one person in your life to change how your life will be. I’m so touched with this story. I’ve started praying for them all and my goal this year is to show love ❤️ and trust.

So even though I find it difficult I realized that God brings me just the right child for our class and no matter what our where they have come from I need to be there for them. I’m working this year with a very compassionate teacher. She’s so soft spoken and patient and loves each one of her students.

I was thinking the other day that she would have been a teacher I wished I had as a kid. She cares so much. I’m looking forward to seeing what God does this year in our class. ❤️

1 Corinthians 13:8 says

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Love never fails. I love that. It’s been a really tough couple of days for me. Emotionally I feel fragile. Today I’m reminded of so many great memories of who my dad is to me in my life. I have a collection of rocks that on many walks to the beach I was given. I have a whole entire bowl of rocks I collected on so many beach walks.

My very last walk with my dad I found this heart leaf and I knew it was a sign that no matter where my dad is or where he’s at in his life. I know I am loved. ❤️

Today I wrote down things we have done together and the great memories I have of him. He doesn’t remember any of them but I do know in his heart that he will always love me. I was scared I was losing him. Instead we will make new memories and I look forward to the day that I can visit with him.

His life may be different but he’s still nearby and I still visit him and I still can show him how much I love him. I was there on the weekend helping my mom and packing up his things. He found one of boat books and he began to show me how beautiful and great and old these boats were. He loved boats. Him and mom had 3 of them. He loved adventure and hiking and just being out in nature. He often told me about his adventures before he was married and when he was with my mom. My mom has lots of photo albums with all their adventures.

He taught me about love and how to love others and he shaped me into who I am today. Pray for him and my mom as they transition into a whole different way of life. I love that he thinks of me as one of his favorite people he’s definitely one of mine. That’s how I know that love never fails. ❤️

Grieving comes all different forms and will be a big part of our lives as we live on this earth from time to time. I used to stuff down those feelings and I realised if you don’t let them out they will come back and come out in not so good ways. I also realized that grief will often bring up other grief in our lives even though we have grieved that person.

I’m feeling sad these days and I’m grieving even though my dad is still alive. I’m grieving that loss of relationship. I am slowly watching dementia take a man I love. I see less and less of him and more and more of dementia. I see it taking the relationship my mom has with him.

I’ve been shedding lots of tears and I feel those emotions very close to the surface. This transition is so very hard. I know he’s going to a good place and will be well looked after. I can’t imagine him not at his home. I spent yesterday with both my mom and my dad and watching how each week the dementia taking more and more of my dad. It makes him older and even though I still see my dad in there, that change is more and more recognizable.

It brings up all the hard losses I’ve experienced this year. I miss my friend Wendy so very much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I’ve shed a lot of tears. My old counselor she told me that if I never loved people then I would never experience the love that I feel In my heart now. Love is awesome, love is hard and love can be painful. Even though it’s really hard I wouldn’t have missed these opportunities for anything.

I would appreciate prayers for my family especially my mom during this transition. Thank you 🙏❤️🙂