Author: walking in freedom

Why is forgiveness so hard to do and when you finally get there and forgive you something comes up and it makes you angry and sad all over again. I do understand that forgiveness is like peeling an onion. This last time I felt God wanted me to forgive my parents yet again for all they had done to me as a kid. How many times have I been down this road? Far to many as far as I’m concerned. I released them up to God so that He could do with them what He needs to do. I felt huge peace about it. I was released from that Hate I carried in my heart.

I do believe in righteous anger so maybe this is how I’m feeling now. Yesterday I was looking at a post one of my sisters posted on face book. Gayle is one of my step sisters who I have not had any contact with for many years but she still has me on her face book. We don’t communicate but she’s never taken me off like my other siblings did so that’s something to me. I saw another post about my dad and his art and what he’s doing, so I was curious to see what projects he’s been doing. I guess he just celebrated his 80th birthday and one of the things he did just before his birthday was he was honored at a school in his hometown growing up. There were photos of him in a classroom with all these children and a bulletin board in the background with photos of him and his work and life. He was honored at this school and then he gave the school one of his paintings.

Part of me wanted to contact this school and let the principal know what kind of a man this man is and that’s he’s not to be trusted around children. Did the school really know who this man is and maybe someone should ask him what had he done in past. This is where my anger arises. It makes me so angry that this man got away with what he and his wife did. There is zero consequences for what my brother and I suffered in the hands of this monster. The whole world thinks he’s the best kindest man they know. What would people think if they knew the truth? I guess writing that book would expose their lies but does God want me to do that.

So yes as I forgive once again, this makes me angry and upset. God uses righteous anger in the bible. I never rest that he walked away from all his responsibilities and that people need to know what a monster he is. I also think him getting us out of his life that now he can live behind his lie. How do I have peace in this whole situation. I give it back to God yes but when it comes up I feel like this every time. Is this wrong for me to think this? I guess I keep working at my memoirs and get my story out there to help others who have tough things in their life and if the truth comes out then it comes out. I really believe that my truth will indeed set me free.

Forgiveness is hard yes, but it releases me from all that was done to me as a child. It releases that power that Satan has over me and that person cannot hurt me anymore in any way. When I forgive I’m not excusing what was done to me, but rather frees me up to live my life. It also gives me huge peace that only can come from Him. Forgiveness is also so freeing. Part of my journey to redemption.

Little girl lost, scared, afraid. Loneliness creeps all around you. Nobody to love you or trust. Humans are NOT to be trusted, but Jesus holds this little girl when she feels lost, scared and afraid. He holds her every time she’s scared and that’s often.  Nobody loves me and tells me those precious words ” I love you, but Jesus wraps me in His huge arms to protect me; from all those who don’t stand up for me. Jesus tells me HE LOVES ME so many times. “I’m here for you Sarah and I love you more than you will ever know. ” When I cry, Jesus wipes my tears. He holds me tight. When I hang my head low Jesus holds my head up high.

As a little girl I would avoid all contact and just want to blend in and not be noticed. For me it was easier when nobody knew who I was; but Jesus knew  I was from the beginning. He knew every hair on my head before I was born and He protected  me from the harshness of the world.

 I watch out my window at the children playing and laughing and having fun. I do not know such things as fun and laughter. I see a woman hugging the kids as they fall down outside. I know Jesus picks me up when I fall down and places my feet firmly on the ground. When it becomes to much Jesus lifts me up and carries me. Oh! Thank you Lord, This is a hard cruel world. Thank you for helping this little girl and protecting me.

     Anytime I let my guard down a human hurt me in so many ways. I have siblings who laugh at me and make fun of me. They just copy the humans and are cruel to me. When Jesus was hanging on the cross He said that the people do not know what they do. Either do my siblings they only model what they are taught.

     I go to school but not to learn. I go to get out of my house and to eat. I find people that Jesus has put in my path to help me. I find this interesting that nobody intervened in my life but they would go out of their way to help me. The school librarian Mrs. Baker she gave me money often to buy food or bus money and she is the one who gave me my great love for books. I could escape my days by reading adventures and dreaming one day I would escape my life to go on my own adventure.  One of my friends at school her mom Mrs. Brady used to buy extra hot meal tickets for me and give them to her daughter to give to me. Everyday I had a nice hot meal. Those tickets were not cheap but she did that for me. I was lucky if I got one meal a day at my home. Then there was the neighbor who picked me up every time she had grocery shopped. While she was in her house I was filling my backpack up with her groceries. She never said a word. Thank you Lord for sending me people that I could trust to give me food and love.

    I realize bad things happen in the world that are part of the fallen nature. I was sexually abused at 10 by my stepmom’s brother. It was scary and awful and he threatened me with his gun if I told anyone. I see again where Jesus stepped in and carried me because I could not do that myself.  I had to keep secrets because no one would believe me if I told them anyways. I was often called a liar. Jesus knows all my secrets and protects me from the pain I endured.

     Thank you Lord for protecting me when I swallowed all those pills and my stomach hurt so badly. I thought I wanted to die but I didn’t I just wanted all the pain to stop. You rescued me from that home my dreams did come true like in those books and you gave me back my mom and also gave me an incredible step father.  Thank you for taking me out of that hell. I now am worried that this will end and my dad and stepmom will find me and bring me back. I can’t go back.  I still can’t relax or breathe the nightmares are horrific and I’m scared. Again you wrap your arms around me to protect me from those awful dreams. I feel your love everyday and that helps me move forward.  Even though I feel that I turn to alcohol to block out those bad memories.  You protect me constantly when I shut you out when I’m passed out or I drive drunk time and time again. You protect me from hurting others or myself. When I’m drunk or drinking I don’t have to feel that pain that is constantly in my heart.  You tell me ” I’m here for you Sarah and I will never leave you. ” After 3 years I turn back to you I can’t keep this all together . I’m so tired of running and I don’t want to drink anymore. I need you Lord more than ever. I turn to you and ask for forgiveness and you show me the right path to be on and you take away all my cravings for alcohol and all the fighting I’ve done in the past to stay sober. You HEAL ME.  PRAISE YOU JESUS!!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You do Heal those who seek and want it.   

     Life goes on…………….. A lot of hard things to overcome.  Seems like I come out of one addiction my deep rooted one rears it’s ugly head. Again turning to man made options Lord and not you. This addiction is one that grips the core of your soul. It’s one that I can keep hidden in the dark so no one knows about it. The more I keep it hidden the more I destroy myself and my relationships.  The shame, guilt and unworthiness drives me further into the pit of hell. It drives me into places I’ve never wanted to go. Again Lord you are with me holding me stroking my hair and holding me oh! so tight. ”   Trust me I have you my child and I will never let you go.” 

     Again Lord Jesus you send me people to help me.  With accountability you send me an awesome Godly woman whom I adore. She helps me process life. I love how we pray together when we meet. She challenges me in my sobriety and I love her heart. I see your heart Lord in her. I see that in the many people you have brought to me.  You have sent me friends that come in all shapes and sizes and they each teach me things that value You in my life. I love Lord what you teach me through each and everyone of them. Some of the lessons I have learned have been tough but those are true friends and that information has stuck with me. It’s like a parent who disciplines their child.

Recently God you showed me that a huge part of my journey is about forgiveness. You showed me that without forgiveness I would be held in bondage forever. I asked my pastor and his wife two people I trust lots to pray with me.  I forgave me dad and step mom and you showed me Lord how forgiveness frees up those people so that You can do something in their lives. Forgiveness also breaks the chains that have held me in bondage for so long. The chains are now broken and NOW I AM FREE!!!!! Amen I love those words FREEDOM. 

At Christmas time I had an opportunity to pray with a mentor of mine. We knelt together in the wilderness in the dust and sage bushes. The sun shone down on us as we prayed together. God you showed me again where you were every time I called out to you as a child. You opened my eyes to your TRUTH, LOVE, COMPASSION and so much more. I saw you stroking my head and holding me when I called out to you. I also saw you CRUSHING that fear into a gazillion pieces. KABAM!!!!!!!! God you showed me a picture of brokenness of how my dad and stepmom are.

I also forgave Larry for all his words that made me feel shameful and guilty.  God showed me that my issues are not about Larry. Larry’s things are with you Lord. I am to speak your TRUTH to him and not react to his words. Lord help him hear your Truth and  and know what is truth vs lies. I also asked for forgiveness for using addiction to solve my problems and not trusting you enough to just use you as my strength.  Thank you for hearing our prayers in the wilderness among the dust and the sage bushes. After our prayers I felt lighter, years lighter. I left all my baggage at the foot of your cross and you washed in your blood. Not only did I feel lighter I stood up super straight instead of being hunched over like I was when I started our walk. My attitude changed and again I witnessed another miracle. YOU IN ALL YOUR GLORY.  

     I love reading your word and your truth everyday so no matter what I face in this life I can DO ANYTHING with you standing beside me holding me when I am scared or afraid. In sadness or joy you are always there. Today I stand firm in your truth and awesomeness. WE DO THIS JOURNEY TOGETHER YOU AND I.  

Sometimes we all feel like giving up in life. Life gets too much what do we do when we feel like that. So many times in my life I wanted to just crawl into bed and never come out again. It’s too hard.  This photo of this horse with Hope written on his back still brings tears to my eyes. You also can see he’s missing an eye. This horse should have died. Not only did he live but he fought with all he had to survive. This horse’s name is Hero. He survived all odds after being shot in the head twice. Then he was trailing a long lead rope wandering high in the Cascade mountains.

A owner asked someone he knew to sell his horse because he not afford him anymore. This person instead took him high in the mountains and shot him once in the head but it did not kill him so shot him another time. He was left for dead. Somewhere in this brave horse all he wanted was to survive, he had to.  He survived unbelievable odds.  It seemed as though he had been wandering for several weeks. The vet figured that this small horse had lost about 200 pounds and was very dehydrated.  After lots of people heard about Hero, this horse gave so many people Hope in their lives. They realized that with the hope of the Lord that their lives could change as well.  You can read more about Hero and his amazing story of survival at Meet our horse Hero http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org 

None of us can imagine how this horse felt left for dead. When we feel like we no longer can on what makes us get out of bed and move forward. It’s so hard and it takes everything we have in us. For me I could not do it without prayer and crying out to God lots. I needed God’s strength to help me put one foot in front of the other. I know that Hero must have felt God’s strength in his journey. This gentle meek horse had a will to live. Hero has inspired so many including me to keep moving forward no matter how hard it is. They found the will to live.  When we reach out to the Lord, He will carry us through any of our trials and walk beside us like he did those weeks Hero wandered up in the high mountains confused and hurt. How else could he survive? No matter what we face in our lives we must keep running the race. When we feel like we can no longer do it, God will pick us up and carry us. He is our strength.

There were many times in my life growing up that I wanted to just end my life and no go on. I had no will to live where my abuse just seemed to get worse and worse. I recently have seen that God was always with me no matter what circumstance I was in. How could one survive all of that. That is why this story of Hero is close to my heart. It’s a MIRACLE both stories. Miracles only come from God. Even trapped in addiction I fought so much because I wanted to live and so many times I wanted to just give up. I couldn’t because God always gave me the strength to fight.

I’m so glad I fought and cried out to the Lord and survived horrific abuse and addiction. One of my favorite verses is but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, and they will walk and not be faint.    Isaiah 40:31

When you feel like giving up reach out, call out to God He is listening and wanting to help. The story of Hero gives us all real hope.