Beauty from Ashes.

7 years ago I forgave my dad for all that had happened to me growing up. It was the root to that held me in bondage to my addiction. Since forgiving him I have had 7 years of freedom. Even though it’s hard to forgive those that have hurt you for me it ended up in freedom. It also does not mean you will ever forget what happened. That is etched in my brain forever. A few years ago I connected with him and some of my siblings two in fact . The one sibling that I wanted to connect with does not want to. That’s been hard for me but I’ve not spoken to her in 35 years. Correspondence is sparce but at least it’s a connection and I’m ok with that. I am happy that I can write to my other siblings. I have nothing in common with them and they live a very different life then mine.

I think about if things had been different I wouldn’t be the woman I am today and I may never have met my mom. I got the short end of the stick with my family in Ireland. I lost all the relationships I had with them and now they know me as Sarah who lives in Canada. I’m not part of their daily lives . I’m bearly part of anything and that makes me sad all because of the choices our dad made.

I know things happen for a reason and even though I long to get to know my siblings I don’t ever know how that can happen. They were super young when I left and they were caught up in the craziness of what happened to my brother and I . They also don’t know the side that my brother and I do with our dad and their mom. I recently saw a post that my dad had written about how he supports children and how important they are in the world. I know he loves his children a lot but why was my brother and I treated so badly.

My heart has so peace now and I don’t feel like I used to. All I want now is some connection to these people. I’m glad I was able to forgive that could never happen without God’s grace and love. That is not something I could ever have done on my own. I’m super happy now in my life and even though the past is in the past , I still long that bigger connection with my siblings. I don’t know if that will happen in this lifetime. It’s a loss I feel in my heart ♥️

Maybe that connection would cause more pain only God knows that. For now I trust that what I have maybe is all I will ever have. I’m not sure how to have relationships with them. It always brings up lots of pain. I’m done with all that pain. As I write I realize that that pain took a long time to heal. God always knows what is best for His children.

I googled this and this is a staggering rate.

Traumatic brain injury is the leading cause of paediatric trauma death and disability worldwide, with concussions comprising 80% to 90% of all TBIs. An estimated 200,000 concussions occur annually in Canada, with children and youth affected primarily. Holy cow I had no idea how high that number was.

Since banging my head really hard on New Years Day I’ve learned a lot about concussions and had no idea that woman can get symptoms later then men. Men get their symptoms right away. I did get some obvious ones right away like the headache, some dizziness and nausea. About a week ago I noticed that my appetite was decreased and my gut is all over the place. Sleeping is all over the map and my brain is very busy having a hard time getting it to slow down.

It’s almost been a month now and yes everyday it gets better but the brain fog and when I’m tired not being able to say what I need. I forget things that I don’t usually forget. Yesterday was a pro d day and we went to a different school in town to listen to a panel of People talk about different topics. It was in the gym so there were lots of people there and it’s hard to focus. After about an hour and a half my brain hurt so much from all the overstimulation. I had to sit and listen to what they were saying. It was good stuff but my brain was Maxed out.

When I got home I slept for an hour and a half completely exhausted. I realized that I needed to be proactive myself. I called a place called Tall Tree my doctor had mentioned it. I called and asked if I needed a referral and they said no. They have a post concussion program with physiotherapy. I have an appointment next week.

I can’t just sit and wait for this to go away. I have no idea how long it will take to go back to the way it was. Before having a concussion even though mine was mild. They all are apparently serious. At the program I’m going to they teach you what to expect and how to get help for your brain.

It’s amazing when you have no clue what it is like to have post symptoms to be told well you did that a while ago you should be ok. Or why are you going to get physio on your brain you just bumped your head. Then to to told well it’s how you cope with stress if your getting overwhelmed. Wow really because I’ve been through the worst truama anyone should ever go through and I never felt this.

I realize how many people just don’t understand and I’ve been asked this week if I ever thought I’d go back to regular daycare by someone that I never imagined that would come out of their mouth. I realized that there is a gap that’s missing between what I’m experiencing and the people around me.

I heard from someone who went to the post concussion program that they will advocate for me. My school has been really good with me, working to build me up for success. I’m glad because no I don’t want to change jobs. I love the one I have. I told them that and they were very quiet. I’m really good at my job is just hard right now.

My friend today said that concussions are an invisible injury. It reminded that mental health is very invisible as well. I would think if that many Canadians get concussions each year we should be educated on how it effects them and the hospital did tell me if my symptoms didn’t go away that there was help out there. My doctor is very proactive so that’s good.

If you have a post concussion symptoms there is help out there or you have mental health issues. Please reach out to people there is help for you as well. This is hard and you don’t have to do it alone. 🙂

Continue reading “You can do anything if you believe…..” →

It’s no secret that I love photography so much. There are so many great photographers out there. I have seen some amazing photos. Some of the people I know or have gotten to know you have a gift. Today I want to thank each one of you who take those photos. I appreciate each of you and that I can write and share your photos with others.

So when you see these amazing photos they are taken by photographers. They are not mine. There is so much beauty out there despite what is going on in the world.

So much to be thankful for. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. The sun was peaking out of the clouds and the trees were calm. I went outside to take the dog out. I was welcomed by the calmness in the air, birds singing and wow so much warmer then it has been. That was nice. I finally was able to uncover my rabbit who has been covered up for two and half days as it’s too cold even for him. He did so well with his thick heavy coat. It’s so nice to not have to thaw his water every few hours. He greets me with his head low because he wants me to pet him. Jonas is such a sweet rabbit. He’s a mini plush lop and he’s up there with a couple of rabbits I’ve owned that struck my heart. ❤️

I’m so grateful for God’s beauty I see everyday surrounding me. I love the sunrises and sunsets here where I live they are so amazing. I live up on a hill so the views are incredible . I love watching God paint the sky with his beauty. After my concussion I don’t want to take anything for granted. I need to stop and smell the flowers more often. To soak up all His glory.

I noticed at the beginning of the year one of the rose bushes I got from Wendy was trying to bud. Even in this cold weather we just had I still see it continuing to grow. It sits under the eve of the house. I will continue to watch it. It’s so beautiful. It’s double colored those were Wendy’s favorite. I still miss her everyday but I see her in lots of things around me. I know she watches out over us. We are coming up to her one year anniversary of her death. She has been in heaven for almost a year. Hard to believe.

I’ve learned a lot through my year of grief. The most important thing I learned was how to be grateful every day for something. I often found many things. I have a gratitude journal that I use. That’s was one of the things got me through my grief. Another was my amazing friends, lots of tears, writing, my work at school, learning to appreciate what I have and the list goes on.

This morning I was reflecting and realize that there are people out there every day who still have a concussion that they are recovering from and they are still waiting for their brains to go back to whatever normal is. I’m going to pray for each of you, that somewhere whatever your going through you can see one thing that your grateful for. Even though I hated having a mild concussion and I’m still recovering I’m glad I could understand a small part of what some of friends are going through. Until you experience it, you have no idea.

What are you grateful for today? I would love to hear your responses.

Happy New year to you all. I never imagined that on New Years Day evening that I would give myself a mild concussion. I’ve never had one before and I never want another one. I did checked out after 24 hours of not getting better. I was given medication and to keep taking Tylenol and Advil, ice, Gravol, a two page list of what you can and can’t do with a concussion and to go home and rest. For 3 days I basically stayed at home slept a lot as I got tired easily. I took my medication and everything seemed so hard. I watched or stared at the TV a lot.

My head hurt all the time and felt nauseous. I also noticed that my brain was really slow. I knew what I wanted to say but had problems getting it out of my mouth. I forgot lots of things and I had problems concentrating. I tried to cook a meal and it left me exhausted. People checked on me and my church signed me up for a meal train. It’s so nice to have meals come to you and a smiling person behind them. That has been a Godsend to me.

I did notice if I did too much then the next day I was a right off. I went to school 3 half days this week and took two days off. It was good to see the children. When I gone in the afternoons they said they missed me. The brain fog was hard to deal with especially at school and when I got tired it got worse.

For the first week or so I noticed nothing else in my body. No arthritis or no other pains in my body. It’s like my body can only handle one thing at a time. I knew I was getting better when I felt my arthritis again and I didn’t need to nap anymore. The brain fog slowly lifted and driving got a whole lot easier. I feel like I’m almost back to normal. Next week will be the indicator because I’m planning on working full days. I will see how it goes. I’m not going to over do it. I miss my kids at school and my teacher.

I sure have felt so loved during all of this. I have a lot of people in my life who love and care about me so much. I’m so blessed to have each of you in my life. I so appreciate all the meals and it’s nice to get different meals I can cook. The biggest thing is I’ve felt all the prayers. It’s made me slow down my life and not take one single thing for granted. I’m sure this next weeks I will continue to recover to 100%. I also need to make sure my head doesn’t get hit again especially during this recovery.

For all of you that have had concussions I now understand a small bit about what you had to endure. ❤️

On the last week of school I was triggered by something that happened. Rarely do I feel like this but this situation reminded me of something I used to do as a child. It was like looking in the mirror now as an adult to how I felt as a child. We have a family in the class I work in that is a very close knit family. They came to our class and shared stories about their families and the legacy each one had. The grandparents came in and shared stories with us about their lives and how they live. As I said the family is very close to one another. The children in our class listened to the stories and we passed around a talking rock and they could ask questions or say something they liked about what was said.

One of the children looked at the mom whose children are in my class and said I love you and want you to be my mom. Every time the child sees this mom he says he loves her. Even at a very age this child knows that his family is not so good sometimes.

That was something I did as a child. Anybody that was really nice to me, I wanted to be part of their family. When I stayed with my girlfriends mom we went away and stayed in a Hotel. When the week was up I begged her to let me stay and live with them. When your home is hard you look for what you see as good. It was like looking in the mirror and it broke my heart. The family had no idea why this child was saying that.

After school was over that day my teacher brought up the instant and it was hard to fight back those tears as I remember doing the same thing. I realized that there are many children who feel like that everyday. They wish that they could live in a family that they would feel love in and cared for. Where there was no pain. How many children in my school feel that everyday or any school in our city. That’s the part of my job I hate even though I totally understand why they did that. I want to just wrap my arms around them and never let go but that’s not how our world works. All I can do is love them and build up trust with them in my class and let them know through that, that I’m a person they can come to.

I woke up this morning excited to see what this year will bring. It’s like buying a new journal that you’ve not written in before. It’s a clean slate to do what you need to do to succeed, what choices you will make, how you will handle hard things that come your way. What things do you have in your toolbox? A huge thing for me last year was my mindset. It effects everything in your life. If my mindset is negative it’s harder for me to achieve what I set out to do. If my mindset is positive then the opportunites are endless.

Lots of people make New Years Resolutions. I gave up on that a long time ago because by February or so I had not gotten anywhere in the right direction and I would feel defeated. Instead I have words I’ve used for the past 4 years or so. Words that can better me In my year. I feel that words take that pressure off me and I’m able to keep that positive mindset.

I started out my year without the financial burden of my credit card. For two years I tried to get it down so that I could not feel like I was strangled so much. Between the fees for it being in arrears and the monthly fee I could never move it. Every month I was stressed about money. That weighs down on your mindset and your health. That’s not a healthy way to live. I also made the decision to let go of my husband that I had been married for 19 years and move forward from that. Another thing weighing me down heavily. I’m done with all the Spiritual and emotional abuse. I need heathier things in my life and I’ve chosen to step away from all of that. I find that hard because I’ve known him for 24 years that’s a long time to know someone. I’m looking forward to learning how to not communicate with this person and how to move forward from this.

I believe it’s one foot in front of the other. I look forward to doing the hard work to keeping this person in my past. I need people in my life who build me up, who love and support me no matter what. I have two specific people like that in my life who tell me that they are proud of me. Those words keep me moving in the right direction. One of these people who I owe part of my life to. A person who stood by me in the grips of addiction, who walked beside me in my darkest days. Who kept me going in the right direction.

The other person who showed me about forgiveness and how God was with me when I had called out to Him as a child. Forgiveness that changed the course of my life and how this was the root to my addiction unforgivness. Instead of hate I feel love. Love that God shows me everyday. I am blessed.

Happy New year to all my readers. I appreciate each of you who have read my blog this year. I finally felt brave enough to share my memoirs with each of you. I’ve wanted to write them down for a long time but started to write and then stopped. I love that I could share it with this community. It feels very freeing to be able to write it. I pray that it helps others and encourages them. It’s a tough story to read but I love the redemption and the healing that comes from the story. The biggest thing for me is that I would not be where I am today without God and people who have supported me in this journey.

I realize that I am the person I am today because of what I went through. God has given me a huge heart for people, especially children and those in truama. Every year at school He brings me a child who needs extra care. I understand, I have that love and compassion and trust that they need. Those people in your life can change how your life in ways that you never can imagine.

Every year I do words for the next year. My words for 2024 are Joy and Freedom. I spent this year in grief lots of loss but finally am coming out of that and feeling better. Throughout all the tough things God was with me throughout it all and He looked after me. I’m ready to feel Joy and Freedom. Freedom from my financial struggles, freedom from an emotional abusive relationship. Bald eagles are super important to me in my life and very significant to me. I love how they fly so high in the sky.

In indigenous culture this is what Google says about eagles. Many Indigenous cultures believe the eagle is sacred because it flies closest to the Creator. It symbolizes respect, honour, strength, courage and wisdom. In Saskatchewan, its feathers also symbolize a step forward, a new chapter in the ongoing story of Reconciliation. Wow that’s powerful.

I’m looking forward to seeing what God has for me in 2024. Do you do words for your new year, if so I would love to hear yours?

Happy new year to you all. I look forward to writing more in my blog and again thank you for reading. 🦅

As many of you know this has been a tough year for me. Grief has been for most of my year. The loss of one of my best friends, my dad going into care the loss of that father figure. The loss of financial support that has helped me live for the last 4 years. That came with the loss of relationship as well. So many losses. Throughout out all of it I felt the love and support from my friends and people I work with.

A couple of weeks ago one of my friends gave me money for Christmas. I had $1.96 left in my account. Wow what a blessing that was. At school we did a Secret Santa where we get to bless someone at our school. I got the gifts that were so thoughtful and beautiful. Yesterday in my box I picked up a gift that made me cry. Someone had made this beautiful angel. It’s all beaded and it’s another reminder that no matter what I’m going through in my life that God has His angels watching out over me.

This angel is made with love. Yesterday someone who I’ve gotten to know gave me a gift card for a local grocery store. Today I was blessed with another gift card for the same grocery store. Wow I was so blown away by both of the people. No matter what is happening in my life I’m blessed beyond belief. One of the people told me that she had been in the same situation that I find myself in and she wanted to give back to me.

I know one day that I will give back to someone else. I’m working on a solution that I find myself in one that will help me stay ahead. One where I don’t have to worry about money and one that works for me. I realized I can’t go into another year with how I’m feeling now. I’m looking forward to freedom from feeling like I can’t do this.

Today I saw a bald eagle driving home. Another reminder that God’s got all of this and it will be ok. 🦅

Thank you so much to all my friends who have stood by me and blessed me so much. I love what my teacher has the children in our class repeat after her.

I am loved

I am special

Give yourself a hug.

I need to remember these things as an adult. I am loved. I am special and I am blessed. ❤️