Now that I’m learning how to cope with life without addiction. Sometimes it can be hard for me. Mental illness still holds a lot of stigma in our comunities. I hate it because it so many of us suffer from it and we hide it or if we speak out about it we are looked upon as weak or we need to just get it together. I don’t talk about it with my family because if i bring things up I can tell instantly that it’s uncomfortable and haave even been told in times of depression that I need to just snap out of it. Wouldn’t that be awesome if we could snap our fingers and instantly be transformed into happy.
I thought I was doing well dealing with emotions I still don’t like to feel that much but I realized that I won’t die from them and one needs to feel to experience true healing. God uses that pain and it helps me understand more what others experience. Turns out that whenever I have a confrontation with my husband I pick at a wound on my hand. I pick at it until it is throbbing and I never realized that until it happened again on Tuesday night. I’ve never realized that it obviously brings me comfort to some degree despite the throbbing. It also happens when I’m stressed in any way. I do notice I don’t do it at work it’s only something that happens at home. I did mention it to my counselor this week and she told me it’s a form of self harm. I never would have considered that self harm. I think of self harm as cutting or burning but yes picking things is part of it.
I found a good article about adults and self harm today and it explains it more. It’s from Psychology Today and it’s titled Depression and Non- Sucidal Self injury. I love the title of it When the skin becomes and emotional canvas. It goes on to say most individuals who self-injure have difficulties with emotional expression. That’s exactly what I did in addiction not being able to express emotions so I turned to a way to numb out emotions and pain. It also talks about self-harmers struggle with internal conflicts and may suffer from depression. I do suffer from depression but I take a happy little blue pill as I call it and it helps me a lot. Without it I’m super impulsive and my life will have lots of highs and lows. On it I feel more leveled but I do know lots of stress can be harder.
People who know me well know that I have a husband that is like my roomate. Our marriage is as far away as it could get. I tried many times to reconcile with him but due to many cicumstances it has just fallen by the wayside. When he decides he’s going to leave then I guess our marriage will be over forever. Until then we make it work as best as we can. Sometimes that goes sideways so that’s the stress I am taking about with the picking. I liked the ways to stop doing it and it’s been really difficult for me this week but I have not touched it this week since Tuesday. I want to but I’ve not to.
For me I need to work on how I feel about myself and I look. I hate looking in the mirror and avoid full length mirrors at all costs. This morning I signed back up with weight watchers again to lose my weight in a healthy way. I need help and accountability and to hear how others have done on this journey. As this year closes I look back on this year of a year trying to do things by myself. I did rely on God but always came back full circle to this. Mental illness is real. If you are suffering please don’t do it on your own. There is lots of help out there, talk to your friends about it. We are not asked to walk this life alone we need others and I’m here for you as well. I’m glad I no longer have to do this in darkness, shedding life on it helps it lose a lot of power.