I’m coming up to my second year of sobriety in addiction. Wow that is certainly an awesome feat for me. I never thought I would be able to get this addiction out of my life it haunted me for years on end. One day I was brushing my teeth and the Lord told me that the root of my addiction was the hatred I felt in my heart everyday. My theory on the whole thing was these people hurt me beyond belief so why should I forgive them for anything. I had a choice to make did I let the power of this hate continue to destroy me with addiction or was there a better option.
My really good friend, her and her husband own Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch in Oregon . A year and a half ago I went to Oregon for Christmas and I had a chance her and I to walk in the wilderness. We talked and then I got to a point where I could not walk anymore I had this horrible headache. We stopped and Kim knelt in the dust. Normally Bend would be covered in snow but this day it was really warm with the sun and it was dusty and there were lots of sage bushes on our hike. I knelt down beside Kim, we held hands and started praying what did God want for me. Kim asked me what I saw. I saw a room a dark room with a child hunched up holding her knees on the floor. She seemed scared she was alone. Kim asked me what else did I see. I said the room was dark. The child was scared and lonely. Kim asked me to look closer what did I see. I looked and saw a figure standing over the child and I saw arms hugging her. I then saw light in the room and the figure was the Lord. He was comforting the child. The child was not lonely or scared anymore in fact the child peaceful.
I always wondered as a child where God was in that horrible mess of a life I grew up in. I thought He did not care enough for me but He was always with me no matter what. As I knelt in the dust I wept huge tears because I had never known that He loved me so much and He protected me from so many things. It’s hard to see when your in the midst of the chaos. We continued to pray and Kim asked me what was I holding on to that was stopping me from having a complete relationship with Him. I said my heart is black, because it hates two people who destroyed my life. I hate them so much that I want them to suffer like I suffered as a child. Kim said God is wanting you to let this go and forgive them as God forgave them. I told Kim that God told me recently that the root to my addiction is this hate in my heart. How can I forgive them? I had someone I admire a lot tell me once that forgiveness is letting go of that power that the people who hurt you have over you; it’s not giving them a free pass for what they did. My addiction was proof that they both still had that power over me and for me to be free I had to forgive them. We continued to pray and I prayed out loud for them both that God would free me up from that hate so that He could work on their hearts. I prayed for them and my heart felt so different. That hate, bitterness and anger disappeared and continued to pray for them.
As we had prayed the sun beat down on us both and I had forgotten that Kim was with me. I also asked for forgiveness for myself for using addiction and not turning to the Lord when things got tough. When I stood up all the pain I had felt on the hike disappeared and I stood up straighter and I felt really good. We walked back to the truck. Kim and I met again before I left to go home and I still felt the same I feel this huge peace in my heart. I even found myself praying for them occasionally which I would never have done in the past. Forgiveness was hard to do but in my case a necessity to get through my life. Since doing this I have remained sober in my life and have almost two years of sobriety. I never forgot that time in the wilderness and I now am a better person for doing this.
Don’t let unforgiveness in your heart stop you from living your life. Stop that power over you the person has. Haven’t they taken enough of your life already. If you need to talk to someone to help your process there are good counselors out there who can help guide you through this.