Speaking out……

Why is it so hard to speak out when things are not ok in your home. It’s funny because I’m the first one to speak out about child abuse or neglect. I’ve had to make hard decisions in my career. It’s never popular with anyone but something I promised myself years ago to do. Speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves.

Well I have to tell you it’s way harder to the same thing when you are in a Marriage or a relationship. Speaking out is not as easy. Why do people close themselves off to the world and mull through the situation on their own. For years I felt trapped unable to speak out or speak up for what was truth. In my childhood I had to just go on with life in not sure anyone would Believe the horror my brother and I endured. I didn’t trust people at all the few odd person I could trust. I remained silent in my life. I was scared to speak out. Back then I was in survival mode.

I hate to admit this but many physiologists will tell you or I’ve read it that you tend to marry people similar to people in your life growing up. Your desperately trying to find that father figure that you never had in your life. For me that’s what I basically did. I married a man who I admired and respected. I was to naive to know the difference. This man was really nice to me and he basically looked after me. Nobody had done that before or very few people. I fell in love with this man. He treated me well or as well as he could. I only saw what I wanted to see. It’s taken me years later to see a lot of what was going on in my home. I knew I was loved but it always came at a high cost and because I did not want to make waves. I just went along with it. Inside my soul I hated it so much. When I felt powerless I used addiction to numb that pain. That pain was to great to fight. It wasn’t all bad that’s not what I’m saying I’m just saying that I felt I could not make the decisions I wanted to.

To make things worse the decisions made were not from my husband but apparently from God. That made no sense to me often because the God I knew would not make some of those decisions. I would have to lie and figure out ways to survive. As a young child I had to lie to survive now as an adult I found myself in survival mode lying to protect myself.

A lot of my marriage I suffered through addiction, depression, anxiety, fear and really low self esteem. I know people who left similar situations and took their child with them. I admire those who left. Some left with the clothes on their back them and their child’s. Slowly I’m gaining back my self esteem and no longer feel shame from decisions I have made.

If you or anyone you know is in a relationship that is one sided or based on lies there are people out there you can talk to. I do understand it’s hard really hard. I’m here for you. Speaking out puts it into the light and nothing to be ashamed of. ❤️

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