Not written in a while and have been encouraged by my counselor to get writing again. Started school again 17 days ago and I have to admit I’ve been really challenged in my classroom to the point where I wanted to change and go somewhere else. I was in flight mode and tried everything I could to change. After seeing my counselor this week I realized that when I didn’t know how to handle a situation I was patient and then would become super frustrated when I couldn’t change the outcome. I have super high expectations of myself and the frustration came from not having control of the situation and feeling stupid or dumb. That’s why I wanted to run because I did not want to feel incompant at work. My teacher told me I’m doing an awesome job and I realized that it was not my job to try and control the situation.
I’m in a class with a child who has autism. I realized that the whole time I’ve worked in Early childhood education over 35 years that I’ve never worked with a child full time with autism. I’ve covered lunch breaks but not day in and day out. I find it hard to figure out what he wants and when he freaks out how to help him. My teacher reminds me that I need to keep it simple and repeat what I want done. Don’t use lots of words. There is lots of stress there. I can’t imagine how hard it is every day processing life with autism.
My counselor asked me this week when I didn’t do something right as a child who was that person who became angry or upset with me. My stepmom was so critical of me and no matter what I did right it was always wrong. Those high expectations have caused me to reach for perfection that I can’t reach so I get frustrated when it’s not going the way I want it to go. I had no idea this was tied to my past. Also for me to get frustrated and not want to work with a child or children that’s not me at all.
Once I switched my mind and figured out why I did not want to work in my room it all changed for me and I love my room and all the children and the child with autism I think we have figured out when he gets overly stressed is when he’s tired or hungry. He now comes and sees me and he will tell me he’s tired or hungry. He’s a runner and so we don’t chase him and he always comes back. When it gets too hard for us there is always help in the school.
I’m so glad I didn’t run from this. I asked my principal to change and he told me no. I also learned that I needed to change how I eat because my knees hurt so much so I’ve started eating foods that don’t inflame my body and it really helps. I’ve realized that I need to better myself and my body at school so that’s good.
So even though it’s been tough I stuck with it and learned a whole bunch of things about myself. I would have missed out on this incredible opportunity. The children in my class are lovely and come to me when they feel sad, happy or whenever. I had lost my mo jo but now it’s back again. I’m so glad I wasn’t able to run away from things that are hard. I stayed and fought. Next time things are hard well you run away or will you stay and fight and work out out.