Beauty from Ashes.

As I’ve mentioned before I went to a private school. We wore uniforms and we had assemblies every morning and sang the national anthem in Gaelic. Almost none is could Gaelic but we stood and it got sung everyday. You’d stand in your class in a line. Then you’d go off to your class. The school had strict guidelines that we had to abide by. I came in after students had been caned for whatever. We still got hit with a ruler on our hands and my math teacher often threw his chalk board eraser at his students. If you ducked quick enough you could escape it belting you in the head. My brother often had it thrown at him. My geography teacher when he got frustrated would grab your head and bang it on the table. Times were very different back then.

We had a woman who looked after all the girls we nicknamed her Nellie. She used to wear the same outfit everyday it was a purple tweed skirt and blazer. Whenever we got into trouble we were sent to her office and she would lecture us on proper edicate at school. I spent a lot of time in her office. My best friend in school was Karen. Karen and I often got into trouble together. We had fun and we would prank our teachers so that we got to go to Nellies office. One day we were bored so Karen poked my leg with her compass. I magnified it huge and cried out in pain like she had stabbed me. The two of us went to Nellies office and I’m pretty sure our parents got called about that one. We went through everything together.

Karen walked me home one day before she had to walk back and take the train back to her house when I was scared to walk home. To make the kids like me I often got into fights with other kids you had to do whatever you could to survive even at school. One day I was fighting with a kid and they picked up a stool and threw out at me. I ducked and the stool went through the painted glass window. As I said yesterday I loved it was escape from my home.

On one of my last years at St. Andrew’s before I moved to Canada I went on a French trip with my class. We went from Dublin to Lehavre, Paris on the roughest ferry ride ever. It’s 15 hours. The waves were massive and we had to stay in our bunks in our rooms. Everyone was sea sick except me. It was hard to walk. The trip is really long. Back then you could gamble on the ferry so Chip he won 100 pounds and when his family picked him up they were able to claim the money he won. I will write more about that trip in the next blog. Karen and I are still really good friends and she came here to visit me with her mom, dad and her husband. Next Spring she’s coming in for the day as they will be coming on a cruise ship. I’m looking forward to seeing her. I’ve missed her. I think this is why I love working at school so much because it was my safe place.

I’ve written things about my past that have been hard to read. They have been hard to write when though I don’t feel those feelings anymore. I will never forget them either. Part of me sharing my story is so that those that may be in abusive situations can find help or can speak out about it. Back when I lived in Ireland from 1972 to 1984 people did not interfere with what was happening in people’s lives, so if anybody knew that things were very wrong in my family, nobody spoke up. Things are very different now especially for children. I remember feeling brave and telling my dad that I was going to go to the police and tell them everything that was happening in our home and I still remember to this day that he said if I told anybody that I would be taken away forever, and I would never see my family again. As a kid that scared me a lot so guess what I stayed quiet. Who would believe me anyways?

One of the hardest things about how I lived locked in many rooms of different homes we lived in was the neighbourhood children would often come and play in my house. They had no idea I was in the house as well. On the odd occasion when I was allowed out to play the children would ask me who I was and they asked me where I lived. I would tell them I lived in this house and they all said no you don’t. We’ve never seen you there and we play in there often.

In one of the first homes we lived in I remember watching the children play outside my window on their bicycles. It’s so hard to understand why you weren’t allowed to go and play with them. I went to school with a lot of those children.

As an adult I often wondered how I was able to survive such a horrific childhood. I do know now that God was with me, because there is no way I could survive that in my own. When I was at the ranch in Oregon one day walking along the dusty path through the Sage bushes with my good friend Kim. God showed me that when I had called out to Him that He was there right beside. After we had prayed I saw him behind me. He was by my side the whole time. I remember sitting in a corner of my room crying out for God to hear me and change my life.

That’s how I survived. How else could one person survive been beaten, starved and abused in every way possible. I do know that the people who helped me out in my life and gave me food, friendship and hope in my life also helped me survive. I’m internally grateful. God put the right people into my life to help me along the way.

School was my saving grace. It was a safe place for me but I still had to figure out who to trust. I went to a private school and boys from all over the world were borders there. They had a school nurse that I often went to see who gave me milk of magnesium to settle my stomach that was often in knots from the stress of my life. It was a safe place for me to go to. One day she was away and in the second day of going to see her she called my dad to tell him that I was sick too often. I was beaten when I got home for pretending I was sick. I never went back to the school nurse again. I could not trust that would not happen again.

School was a place that I could be away from my home for 8 hours everyday. I loved school even though I was a terrible student. I know understand why because you can’t concentrate on school work if your hungry or constantly in survival mode. I hated when school was out for Christmas and the worst was summer holidays two months away from school was awful. In my next entry I will write about my friends at school and more about school.

Lastly I want to reach out to people if you ever suspect a child in an abusive situation please don’t remain silent. Please speak out even if your wrong. If your in an abusive situation please get help. Tell someone what is happening. You don’t have to remain in that situation. 🙂

Christmas used to be a hard time for me. Christmas seemed to be a day where I was included in what was happening sometimes. The Christmas’ that were hard for me reminded me that I was not good enough even to be included in family things. The Christmas’ I do remember I have fond memories of. As kids we had stockings and we always got a Christmas orange, candy canes, sometimes a pair of socks or a pair of mittens. I don’t remember anything else about the stockings but we did get them Christmas morning. Then we would get Selection boxes which was a variety of Chocolate bars made from Cadbury. Some of the presents I remember getting are a spinning top which I still have. A puppet that had strings attached to it and I could almost bring it to life with the strings. I played with that for hours on end. I had a blue emu puppet. I had a plastic toy that you could make all sorts of things with.

One Christmas I got a yo yo not just a regular one but a trick one. I spent hours in end learning all the cool tricks you could do and I become quite good at it. I took it to school and showed the kids all the tricks I knew. The kids were impressed and I felt good for a short time that I could do something and feel that recognition. We would have a turkey at Christmas and I got to be part of my family for that one. I used to try and hold on to every minute before it slipped away.

It is believed that if you find in traditional Irish Barmbrack: it’s a sweet bread we would eat for dessert. Baked into the bread was the following items. A coin, a ring, a pea, a bean, a stick and a piece of cloth.

• coin, you will be wealthy;
• ring, you will marry within a year;
• pea, you won’t marry that year;
• bean, you will have fortune but not money;
• stick, you will have unhappy marriage or disputes;
• piece of cloth or rag, you will be poor. All we wanted was to find the coins.

We also have the traditional Christmas cake. The one with the raisins and dried fruit with marzipan and icing. My brother and I used to just eat the marzipan and the icing. To this day we won’t eat that because we are so much of it as a kid. That will teach us.

I’m not sure if Christmas day everyone was happier and that’s why we were included because the next day life went back to the way it was. It’s like we didn’t exist again and all that niceness was gone in an instant. The nice Christmas’ I remember I felt included. What a lovely feeling that is. Did they feel guilty and that’s why for that one day we were included. For now I will take as many good memories as I can. Now as an adult I love Christmas. To me it represents Family, friends, simplicity and about giving.

Merry Christmas to all and wishing you a great holiday no matter how you celebrate it. I love Christmas because it’s the birth of Jesus and I love the Christmas story. How something so simple can make a huge impact in all of our lives today. ❤️

This past week I found myself having to make a whole bunch of tough decisions regarding my dog. I always made those decisions with my ex husband. As I sat in the parking lot at the animal hospital and cried. I prayed about what I needed to do. Zeke is my labradoodle and best friend. I’ve been through so much with him. He’s my Therapy dog and I love him so much. I’ve never been asked in my life if they needed to do CPR could they. Of course I wanted the too. I decided to reach out to my Facebook friends to pray for Zeke. The response was overwhelming. People checked in on me and prayed and Pm me.

I realized that I could do this, make those tough decisions and know that I have tons of support and people that love Zeke and I. I don’t need Larry anymore and God has given just what I need. I love that. I’ve not been on my own in the last 20 years and those decisions I made with someone else. I realized how much I’ve grown and I love that. I’ve gotten so much more confidence and yes I made the right decisions for Zeke.

I know I wouldn’t have survived my life growing up if it had not been for special people who I know God brought into my life. People who obviously knew there was something serious going on in my life. People who never asked but helped me so much. Mrs. Baker she was my school librarian I loved this woman so much. When the children were only supposed to take out two books at a time she let me take as many as I wanted. I went on the best adventures. I dreamed that I was in those adventures. I was locked in my bedroom a lot and so I had to create games to stop the hunger I often felt. I loved reading and read every minute I could. Mrs Baker had CP and I hated when the kids made fun of her because I loved this woman. She would also give me money because I would often spend the money I had on food in the tuck shop. She never asked me for anything but she took she under her wing. Before she died I was able to connect with her and tell her how much she meant to me in my life and I thanked her for teaching me about reading and how I still love reading today. I was sad to hear of her passing but I do know we will meet again. Thank you Mrs Baker for loving me and caring about me. ❤️

Another amazing woman was Mrs. Brady. I was friends with her daughter Sarah Brady. She took me on holidays with her and her daughter and she treated me like I was part of her family. After that week of holidays I didn’t want to go home and overdosed on pills and had to go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped out. She sat with me everyday until I was better. Not only did she do that but her daughter was on the hot lunch program at school and she brought me tickets that her daughter kept for me so that once a day I got a hot meal. This brings tears to my eyes because she again never asked anything from me she just gave. Unfortunately she passed away before I could thank her for helping me survive my life. I am in touch with Sarah still.

Another women lived in my neighbourhood and she would pick me up from school with her son. The days she picked me up she had always gone grocery shopping. While she was in her house I would go through her shopping bags and take food and put it into my back pack. She never said anything to me ever. I’m so grateful for her. God sent me just the right people to help me survive. For them all I’m externally grateful.

It was so hard to trust people so these people helped me see that there are indeed really good people in the world. I never told anybody about what was happening in my home. I have been told by teachers that they knew something was not right. What was hard for me for a long time was if you even suspect something is up to speak out or speak up. That’s why I speak out for children today. I have become their voice.

Growing up in Ireland even though it was tough a lot. Ireland is a beautiful country. I love the winding roads with the rock built walls and the abandoned castles that lie on the country roads. I can remember we got our milk delivered to us in glass bottles with a donkey and a cart and then a three wheeled car. The milk had about an inch of cream on the top of it. Galway is such a beautiful county. Galway is on Ireland’s western seaboard. Its has rolling hills and farmland plains. To the west are bogs, heathered hills, lakes and mountains of Connemara. The park shelters a herd of Connemara ponies that run wild on the countryside. The county capital, Galway City, is known for its traditional music.

As a child growing up in Ireland I can remember happier times when we all would load up in our car and head to the beach in the ring of Kerry. We got to camp in tents. The beaches were long and very Sandy. My dad once drove his car into the beach and the tide started to come in and he got stuck and had to be towed out. He was hopping mad. My sister Lynn and I got to ride donkeys and my donkey always seemed to have it’s own mind. It constantly stopped to eat. If you’ve ever tried to get a donkey moving well it’s next to impossible. They are so stubborn. Lynn loved horses so she rode a horse instead. I stuck to the donkey.

We would spend all day at the beach running,playing often in the cold ocean. We flew out kites ate outside and then collapsed into bed. I used to dream of camping at the ring of Kerry. It was so much fun and my dad and mom were kind to me like they really loved me. I hated going home because as soon as we got home life returned to abuse. Why couldn’t I have normal parents? I would see glimpses of love.

Every Sunday my dad would take me fishing with him. I loved that so much because I got to spend special time with my dad. He would go to fishing competitions and I would go and hang out with all the fishermen. As I got older I would compete with the others. You got given a spot to fish in on a canal. You had all your fishing equipment and you had about 4 or 5 hours of fishing. Every fish you caught would go into your net. As a child I knew how to bait your hook with maggots and sometimes you could catch with a piece of squished up bread. I knew how to cast out your fishing rod and how to lure in your fish. I would enter competitions with grown men and women and win prizes. I loved going for me it was freedom from my hellish life and a way to spend time with my dad. Afterwards we always went to the pub for crisps and I used to drink shanty’s they have a tiny bit of beer in them and lemonade. I felt so grown up and again loved.

I also remember going on picnics with my family and spending the day near the river. We would go to the Wicklow mountains. Another lovely spot. The countryside in Ireland is vast. Dublin is a great city but when I grew up there it was a very poor city with lots of crime. Often when I would go you would see cars with no wheels because they had been stolen right off the car or burned out vehicles. Crime was huge. My sister and I witnessed a bank robbery. We were standing in the sidewalk when masked men ran in with their guns. Dublin now is a very different city and huge for tourists.

I’m glad that I have good memories of Ireland I now could go back and visit. I have kept in touch with my school friends and my best friend Karen still lives there with her husband. I will write about her and I in another post. She was my best friend in school and today we can pick where we left off. I love that. She’s coming in the Spring on a cruise ship and I plan to spend the day with her and her husband. I can’t wait. ❤️

Last Sunday was the start of Advent. Hope is the first week. There is so much to be hopeful for in this fallen world. Growing up in an abusive environment and having no idea where your next meal is coming from. Would I survive the world I was thrown into as a small child. I used to imagine what my mom was like. Who was she would she love me like I needed to be loved. All I had in my life was Hope that one day I would get out of the environment I was in and live a better life. There had to be a better life out there.

12 years of hell is like a lifetime. When I moved to Canada and found my mom there eventually was Hope that I never had to endure what I had for so long. I found people who loved me unconditionally. I found Hope in Jesus and from them on Hope is why I continue to write my blog. It doesn’t matter where or what you’ve been through in your life there is always hope especially with the Lord in your life. If I didn’t have a personal relationship with Christ I would never have found this Hope.

I love the Christmas season and Advent. So much to be grateful for and thankful. As Christians we have the Hope of Christ. I never get tired of the Christmas story. What are you hopeful for in your life? Do you feel Hope during this time of the year? Do you feel the promises that God has given us?

I’ve written about this before but wanted to write about it again. Eagles are very significant in my life. When things look really grim or things are tough, God always sends me a bald eagle to remind me that it’s ok and He’s got this. I’ve not seen a bald eagle for months now. Today I was driving down the highway to go visit my parents and all of a sudden a see a bird flying towards me. I look and I was thinking it’s probably just a raven. It keeps flying towards me and I see it’s white head. It’s a bald eagle. I’m thrilled because it’s all going to be ok. God’s got this and this is my reminder. Every time I see them I feel this surreal peace come across me.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Isaiah 40:31 , “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” We all have up’s and downs in our lives. Even though things in my life seem never ending I see God’s hand in it all. I see Him using others to help and yes it will all be ok. Trials part of our growth and growth is good. Growth is healthy. Next time you have a trial how does God show you that it’s going to be ok. Does he show you a physical sign or use people to help you? Thank you Lord for bringing peace back into my life again.

After we were taken to Ireland my dad he met a woman who looked after us while he worked. She became our stepmom. At first things were good, she looked out for us and was nice to my brother and I. Then when she started having her own kids she didn’t want much to do with us. We started getting locked in our bedrooms for long periods of time. I used to watch the children playing outside on their bikes. All I could do was watch. My brother his bedroom was across the landing and we used to play up there and when we’d hear the door open we’d run into our rooms.

We were often beaten and the hardest thing I still remember is watching your brother been hit with a belt and not being able to do anything about it. We both never knew why we were beaten but it went on for years and years. We moved around a fair bit as well and when your in your room for whole summers and you finally get out. I remember the neighbourhood children asking me who I was and when I told them that’s my house. They told me no it’s not we’ve been in your house you can’t live there. I would be allowed out but something always happened so I was back in my room.

To survive I would play cards with myself dealing out all the hands like I was playing with many people. I would do that for hours. I would read lots of books and imagine I was in them all away from this horrible life. As time went on not only was I beaten everyday but I was also starved. The worst feeling in the world is when your tummy is so hungry. I had to do things to stop that pain. The only way to survive that is having God take that feeling away.

I would go to school every day with a peanut Butter sandwich on stale bread that stuck to the roof of your mouth and a limp carrot stick. On the way to school I would throw out the lunch. When I got school I would come in when the kids where out playing at recess I would go into kids classes that were not mine and open up the kids lunches and take out one thing from each lunch. Then I would go into my room and put them in my back pack. I had the greatest lunches. I would do it the next days but never the same classroom. I never got caught thank goodness but when your hungry and need to eat you have to be creative. I also would steal change from my dads coat pockets so I could buy food. I would also steal from the store but after getting caught and my dad was called. I stopped doing that.

People helped me out which I will write about in another post. Again people I think knew that something was not right in my home because I had many opportunities to eat and people provided opportunities for me. For that I’m externally grateful. When your hungry you need to eat and if you have to steal to get it then that’s what you need to do. I have good survival skills for a young girl. You had to have them to survive this world.

I never felt safe as a child and I trusted no one. People always let me down but I did have people I could trust. I never spoke out about what was happening in my home because I’m sure nobody would believe it or my dad would find out and I knew what that meant. I tried to for in with everyone else but that’s hard. I also know that if your hungry learning is out of the question. I used to beat the kids up at school to get attention. Any attention was better than nothing. Kids can be brutal. I had a best friend Karen. Her and I remain friends to this day. Her and I did Everything together. My sister also was my best friend and we did so much together. I had some good people in my life.

Been wrestling with an issue for the last couple of months. I seem to get nowhere with it. I finally laid it down at Jesus’ feet. I can’t do this anymore. I need your help. I did this last week because I’m exhausted. I have surrendered it all to the Lord. What makes no sense to me is why did I wait so long to surrender this to Him. When I gave to Him, I would take it back as my own. Without God we can do nothing. With God we can conquer all things. Why do we often wait until we can’t do something or we become so desperate? Why couldn’t I just go to Him when this issue came up?

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says ” Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.” This verse clearly states that we must trust with ALL OF OUR HEARTS ❤️and lean NOT on our own understanding. God always makes our paths straight. If I know this so well why do I always take the bumpy, twisty road. This past week after giving it to God and fully surrendering it to Him, I heard something that only can give me Hope in this messy situation. Someone spoke out for me and now its got some wheels turning. I see that as God’s hand at work. I believe that God is working through this in His way not my way. I’m impatient because I want it now and God uses all our situations for His glory.

Today I feel blessed that no matter where I am God hears our prayers. When we call our to Him, He is there for us no matter what. I don’t have to worry anymore about anything because He’s got this and every other thing in my life. There are so many promises God has given us. Won’t you reach out to Him today and let Him know what is happening for you. Surrender it all to Him. What I need to Remember is not to lose focus or Hope on things that aren’t of him. Distraction from where I’m going and His plan for me. All the rest of it will work it’s self out. Thank you Lord.