Author: walking in freedom

Those who have read my memoirs know that the dad who gave birth to me never knew what it was like to love and protect his daughter. Just because he’s a blood relative doesn’t mean he’s a good dad. Yes I’ve forgiven him not for how he treated me for 12 years but because I needed to be free from him. To me he’s just a guy I once knew.

When I met my mom for the very first time she was married to a man whom I loved immediately. He’s been my dad since I moved here as a teenager, and I love him very much. He’s the dad I always dreamed about and I’m so blessed to have him in my life. He showed me what love was all about. He wrote a lot of papers for me in high school and he was always there for me no matter what.

My dad has vascular dementia and each time I visit him he deteriorates more and more. I hate watching the man I love disappear. I see glimers of him in there. He still reconizes and knows who I am and I love spending time with him. Last week I hung out with him when my mom needed to go out and we went for a walk and he told me that he wanted to show me his special place. It’s in behind the townhouses where they live and there is a pond with a water thing in the middle of it. He showed me every inch of it. I’ve been there before but not with him. I treasured every moment I spend with him.

A lot of the time he talks about things that make no sense but I always listen to him. Today I went over because my mom said she was sad because my dad’s two sisters came to visit him. He didn’t recognize them he’s not seen them in about 15 months. I watch him on Tuesday with them and he smiled and enjoyed their company. It’s like his heart knew who they were. In fleeting moments he would comment things about them that were so lovely.

Today we sat outside and he talked the whole time about the trees that are planted outside how they were different sizes and how they grew. He loves trees and humming birds that come to the feeder. He talks about the trees a lot.

Thursday we found a placement for him to go to. My mom can’t look after him he needs more than what we can give him. It’s the same place that my grandpa lived at for 5 years. The workers faces lit up when they heard my mom’s last name. They talked about how much they missed my grandpa. They still have a photo of him and another resident in the nurses station. Wow how cool is that.

Sept 19th my dad will go to a facility until a placement comes up where we want him to go to. I know this is what is best for him but it’s so hard to wrap my head around this. I’m grieving the loss of my dad even though he’s still here. I can’t imagine going to my parents home and not seeing him there. He’s part of that home. Yes I can go visit him but it’s not the same. I feel like everyday I lose a piece more of him.

No matter what happens he’s still my dad and I still love him with all of my heart ♥️. I’ve been so blessed to have him in my life. He never had children of his own but he took in my brother and I and we became a family. I’m planning on spending as much time with him now before he goes into care. It’s the toughest on my mom. This is her soul mate and having to put him in care is heartbreaking for her. Please pray for our family including my dad. He’s not going to understand why he’s there. He’s only ever been away from my mom for a week.

It’s hard enough having aging parents without watching them struggle with dementia or other life threatening things. Make sure you hug your family tonight because life is short and you never know can happen.

I’m still the luckiest woman in the world I would not trade the years I’ve had with my dad. This transition will be an adjustment for all of us but I plan to be there every step of this one. Thank you B you are an amazing man and you are loved by many especially me. ❤️

Today at church our last song we sang was called Beauty for Ashes. Well I had no idea that their was a song about that. I named my blog Beauty from Ashes because I came from ashes until God transformed my life into beauty. I never believed that I was indeed beautiful but now I see what God sees a beautiful woman who has been through so much but how God used me to transform that pain into Hope, Redemption and encouragement.

The words of this song are beautiful and I want to share them with you.

God of the new beginnings

God of the second chance

Your grace an endless river

Your love an avalanche

There is my darkest moment

All hope burnt to the ground

That’s where your mercy heard me

That’s where your love came down.

You turn my mourning into dancing you turn my sorrow into praise

Chorus : You give me beauty for Ashes, beauty for ashes, you give me beauty from ashes.

Love met me in the ruins

Of all my past mistakes

Love walked me to the river

Love broke apart those chains

Love spoke a new tomorrow

Opened my eyes to see

Love washed away this sadness

Love came and rescued me

Bridge : Oh I thank you God I’m overwhelmed by your incredible love. You make ev’rything new. Oh I thank you God for all you have done and yet to do. Oh you make ev’rything new.

The lyrics in this song match my life completely. I think it’s amazing that this song is like it was made for me and I had no idea when I named my blog years ago. I felt that was what God wanted me to name it.

Isaiah 61:3 says “And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

Wow I love that so much. I pray that more people can find that love and grace that God provides. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to share my story. Today in our service we talked about Grace. The only way I got through what happened to me as a child was to forgive those who hurt me. Not forgive them or forget what happened but to forgive so that it freed me up from that situation. It stops the cycle of abuse and it sheds light on the darkness.

A big thank you to all my readers. I’m so grateful to each of you. A big thank you to God for giving me the strength to share my heart with others. ♥️

Every Child’s Dream is to ride a two wheeler bike especially with your friends. As a child kids ride their bikes everyday. The thrill of the wind in your hair, being able to go really fast and that smile on your face. I don’t know any children that don’t like to ride their bikes. It’s easy you hop and ride.

What happens to the children who have disabilities? How hard is it for them to ride a bike? They can’t just hop on their bike and off they go. This week I’ve had the privilege to go to bike camp with the boy I do respite care with. It’s a camp for children with disabilities to learn how to ride a two wheeler. They bring their own bikes that G gets to ride tomorrow without his training wheels on. All week he’s been on adaptive bikes to help him with his balance and the skill of learning how to ride. It’s amazing to watch.

https://icanshine.org/

This is the organization where the children learn how to ride. They are a company from the USA and they teamed up with OT’s from Queen Alexander hospital to help the children. There were 5 children including G at the session he’s in. Each child has two guides with him as spotters and they ride a bike that has two wheels at the front and a roller on the back for the back wheels. The roller helps him learn how to balance on his bike. It has a handle on the back with a spotter to make sure that he stays balanced. As G gained more confidence he then could ride a bike with one of the staff from the camp that is a tandem bike. G rides in the front and the person in the bike mirrors what he’s going if G stopped peddling then so did the person behind. It was fascinating to watch. It was like a dance with two people in sequence. The last bike G got to ride is a regular two wheeler that has a handle on the back and their is one spotter in the front and one in the back to hold that handle is needed. G rode that bike on his own in the straight part, turning takes more balance. His dreams are coming true to be able to ride a bike without his training wheels wow it’s massive.

There was another mom beside us today and she said all her son every wanted to do is ride his bike with his friends. Today he did that and was able to ride without help with the handle. His mom sat in awe with tears in her eyes. She kept saying I can’t believe this.

Tomorrow G will ride his bike. He still needs the handle for guidence for the next couple of months until he gets that balance but it will come. For G he’s mastered so many things in his life. No more training wheels. I’m so proud of him. This boy he’s done so many amazing things in his life. He never gives up. When I want to give up I’m reminded how he perseveres and never has given up on anything.

I’m so blessed that I got to go to this amazing camp. I read that the organization I can shine has taught 30,000 people with disabilities to ride a bike. Wow that’s incredible. I can’t wait to see him on his own bike tomorrow. 🚲

I understand Childhood trauma very well and have a huge heart for those who experience it. Thursday I sat down on the bench at lunch recess beside a girl who I knew from Kindergarten last year. I asked her was she looking forward to her summer. She put her thumbs down and I asked her why and she told me that she loves school so much. I then asked her what was she going to do this summer. She told me she’s waiting for her dad to get his cast off his leg. I asked her did your dad break his leg and she said that he had a operation to fix his leg.

She then proceeded to tell me that her dad owned a store in Iraq and one day he was working there and people came in and shot him in the leg three times in a robbery. He had to have surgery in Iraq but it didn’t work so he was able to have it here. I told her I was so glad that she and her family where able to come to Canada and feel safe. She then told me that people in her neighborhood have been breaking into cars and making the neighbourhood unsafe. She told me she’s not allowed outside to play anymore unless she has an adult with her.

I sat listening to her and can’t imagine all that’s she’s seen with the war in Iraq. She told me her cousins, grandparents and her other family she’s not seen in a long time. I was so glad to hear they had come to Canada so that they could feel safe again but my heart broke to hear they still were living in fear. This would bring up the trauma they had seen back in Iraq.

I think of the many families that come to my school that have come from places with war. War effects everyone and doesn’t just go away because you move. PTSD is real. Trust is huge for them and feeling safe but it constantly puts you on guard.

I asked her when your dad gets off his cast off what things she likes to do with him. She said he plays, they go places and he’s so much fun. We talked about other things she likes to do and she said that’s why she liked school because it was a safe place for her and her family. We never know what people are carrying around. This is a lot for a 7 year old child. I told her that if she ever needed to talk or Anything I was there for her. She smiled and ran off to play. 🙂

Tomorrow is Father’s Day. I was telling my mom today that my step dad is the best dad I’ve ever had in my life. My real dad had no idea what it meant to be a father. At Christmas time 1983 was the very first time I met my mom and my step dad. When those doors opened at Vancouver airport and this lady ran out and hugged my brother and I. That was my mom. I was almost 2 when I was taken away from my mom so I had no idea who she was.

My step dad from the first time I met him he treated me so well. I grew to love both of them. I moved to Canada in 1985 with my one small suitcase. B was there for me growing up and he helped me so much with my school work. We still laugh about all the essays he helped me write. I love the relationship I have with him.

B now has dementia and its hard to see who he was in his life a very successful man. Dementia is robbing his life but I do know he loves me with all of his heart. Even though he’s often confused last Sunday I went over to my parents home for a birthday dinner and we were sitting in the couch in the living room. I was talking to my moms best friend and all of a sudden he said to my moms friend. This lady is a very special woman and we need to keep her in our lives. It took me all I could not to cry. My heart swelled so much.

I’ve heard him many times when things around him are hard he will stop and say to me how special I am to him. I’m so blessed to have him in my life and since he’s had dementia one been able to spend so much quality time with him. Even though it’s hard sometimes I wouldn’t trade any of that for anything. Tomorrow morning I’m going over to see him. He won’t know it’s Father’s Day but that’s ok because I’m going to hang out with my favorite person. When I go over his face lights up when he sees me.

Happy Father’s Day B. I love you so much. Thanks for being that person in my life who has always believed in me and shown me what it is like to love. ❤️ You have shaped me into who I am today. For that I’m eternally grateful.

It’s no secret that Wendy my best friend loved roses. In fact everything she touched she was good at. Her passion was growing roses. She had made her patio at her home a santuary where she could sit and rest and enjoy her roses. Before she passed away she had ordered two more rose bushes for her patio. Both of them my friend Deborah had in her garden. Her garden is amazing as well.

After Wendy passed away the roses came in and Deb asked me if I wanted to buy them. I was honoured to get them and found pots in a blue color. Wendy loved all shades of blue. I prayed over them because I wanted them to bloom and look beautiful. I put them in the corner of my patio beside the one Deb got me last year for my birthday. As the weather got warmer they started to grow.

Last Sunday I noticed one of the flowers coming out. It’s that beautiful double colored one above and it has the most wonderful smell from it. Today I went out and its for two more flowers coming out on it and it’s full of buds. The other one does not have the same amount of buds but enough. I’m super excited about this. I know Wendy is looking down from heaven. I know she would be proud.

I made some butterfly stakes 🦋 on mini black boards I found. I guess it’s like a memorial for her. I sure miss her so much. I’m in the fantastic four thread on Facebook and the last few days we’ve been chatting and I still expect Wendy to add to the conversation. I still have a hard time believing she’s gone. There is so much I want to share with her.🦋

I’m so thankful that I get to watch these roses 🌹bloom and help me to remember by friend. Life is precious and like I wrote in my last blog and not to take anything for granted. I love sitting out there in the midst of the roses. It’s become my own paradise. ❤️

I looked after my dad this weekend. Many of you know that he has dementia. It’s hard to watch someone you love decline. When I’m with him I’m reminded how simple things are to him. The children I work with are the same they see things with a different lense. It’s good because it makes me realize and remember that life can be simple. With simplicity it is not complicated.

I took my dad to my favorite road in Victoria. It’s hidden away so most people do not know it’s there. It’s a road I love to drive on. When I’m on it all my worries fade away. I have the great privilege to take my dog to this amazing daycare which is on the same road that I love. The road meananders around and it’s super narrow. It’s a country road and I know every inch of it as I drive it 5x a week. As I round the corner to my left is the sheep with the two Llama’s. The Llama’s often are sitting in the flooded field with their heads held high watching and guarding the sheep. As I round the next corner to the right is a pond that separates two properties. This is the first year I’ve ever seen two sets of geese with their goslings. We pulled the car over to the side of the road and watched mother and father goose with their babies under the tree. They had at least 5 babies. I had not seen the babies for 5 days so they had grown so much.

On the other side of the pond is a hill and the second set of geese with their goslings are there and the babies are running down the hill. It’s fascinating to watch. My dad loves it and is counting them. I’m sure we saw 6 goslings. At the back of the property is a horse stable where children can come and ride and we can see through the trees people on horses in their round pen. As we drive up the road there are horses in the field. My dad is happy.

We drive up the driveway to the daycare and it’s beautiful. Lisa who runs the daycare her and her husband have put in so much work up there. I love the palm trees and all the plants and the flowers up there. Her home is beside the doggie Daycare and she’s got a beautiful natural pool. Her place is a sanctuary. Lisa and her staff run an amazing place. It’s my dogs second home and he’s looked after so well.

It’s amazing that what my dad can’t remember in one minute he could remember for a couple of hours the drive I took him on. I laughed when we got home he said I’ve been out on my two hour tour. He told me thank you for taking me on this special trip. It warmed my heart that I was able to share this special road with him. Everyday I drop my dog off I always drive the long way to school. The road gives me peace and I often see bald eagles and the most wicked sunrises you have ever seen. They blaze across the sky. After being in this road I’m ready to tackle whatever my day looks like. I’m blessed and reminded that things are so simple even through the eyes of a 84 year old.

https://refreshrestyle.com/silk-screen-bicycle-t-shirt

I wanted a to do a business that was fun. I have crafted my whole life doing scrapbooks, stamping, cricut machine and any of the other crafts. My family for generations have all been artists. I often laughed and said I missed the artist gene. I have realized as I get older that I have it as well. Mine comes out in a different way. I love creativity. When I saw this business I signed up without even trying it.

Debbie is amazing an amazing designer I look up to and strive to be successful in this business. I reposted her blog and her video on how simple Chalk Couture is. Even children can do it. I’m proof that doing a single project with 12 kindergarteners works. It wasn’t pretty and they fought and argued but we got it done and they loved it. They often ask me when we will do our next project.

This is the next project I want to do with them. It’s building a birdhouse and putting transfers on with paste. The kit comes with all the pieces. We are learning about Spring and what better way to build our own birdhouse. This surface is reusable which means we can change how it looks.

After my friend Wendy passed away I was so thankful for the opportunity to be able to have this business to occupy my extra time and create beautiful projects. It’s been healing and it helps so much work my grief. I’ve met an amazing people along the way and I can’t wait to do the next projects, events or just doing it with my friends.

I can share occasionally on my blog things one made that bring me great joy. I have made many gifts from the products. A little something to brighten up your day goes a long way. I hope you enjoy Debbie’s blog and her video of how fun and simple this craft is. I know it’s not for everyone but for me it’s simple, relaxing and fun and I’m going to bless one person at a time.

After we moved back into the city and my husband found a place to live. It was tiny but big enough for the two of us and it had a big fenced back garden and it was the across the street from a park. The park even had a baseball park. It was a quiet street but it was our home together for 13 years. Our golden had a great back yard to be in and we had gotten a kitten from the SPCA. Liberty our golden lived there until she died. Liberty and our cat were the best of friends.

One morning I woke up and I knew something was wrong with her. She was haunched up and when I called her she bearly could respond. I called my husband and he came and we realized that she could not get up and walk. He carried her to the car and we drove her to the animal hospital. The day before she was full of beans playing and jumping up on him. She loved to play. Now she was quiet and in pain. I sat with her in the back seat. Telling her I loved her and that she would be ok.

After many tests we heard what nobody wants to hear. She was full of cancer. I was in shock are you sure yes it had spread everywhere. What I could not understand was she never showed us that she was sick. She would sleep a lot but that didn’t mean anything. There was nothing they could do for her. Our only Choice was to have her put down. How do you put down your best friend. Liberty had been with me through everything. I could not have made it through without her. Why was I going to lose her. Didn’t she know I still needed her. The doctors had given her pain medicine and I was allowed to see her. Of course she wanted to get up and see me. One thing that Liberty was incredible about was making sure her pack or others she loved were ok.

The vet brought Liberty into a room and told us we could spend as much time with her as possible. I just hung on to her and sobbed. She sedated but she still could hear us and she licked me. Then we watched while the vet put in the medicine and she passed away peaceful. I was still in shock that we had no idea she would not be going home with us. We drove home in silence. I felt like I could bearly breathe. I curled up into my bed and sobbed. Liberty was my first dog and the adventures we had were awesome.

I got a paw print of her paw and I made a book about our favorite memories. It’s funny I don’t think of that pain anymore but writing this I felt it. She was such an amazing dog and everyone who knew me knew and loved her. I have pictures of her in my home to remember her by.

Liberty was a huge part of my life in the US and she helped me so much when I felt loneliness or when I was sad. We had so many amazing adventures and she travelled all over the USA with us. We have photos of her when we went to all the states. We tied her up to the signs and we got to see so much of the US together her and my husband. It took me 5 years to come back to Canada and she died when she was just 9 years old.

We waited two years before we added another crazy dog into our lives. That’s for another time that story.

First of all I want to thank all my readers for reading my blog and supporting me on this journey. I’m blown away at how many people read it and all the likes and comments. I started this journey as a way for me to write and realized how therapeutic it became. I’ve always wanted to write my memoirs but to me it was scary to write them in book form but less scary for me to write them here. An amazing counselor who was in my life encouraged me to write them but I was never ready now I’ve almost completed them. My memoirs are God’s story through me. He is the author through all of this and how much healing has come out of this. I could never imagine that ever. They were hard to write but I wrote it raw because how do you pretty up my life.

I’m getting photos from people who knew me growing up. I don’t have to many photos but will share what I have. I saw one this morning it was hard to look at how skinny and horrible I look. I want to just reach into the photo and pull out myself and hug her.

My life has changed so much since then but it has not come without trials. I know trials make us stronger and make us who we are today. It’s taught me so many things. I do know that I could not have done life without so many supporting me in this journey. Thank you everyone. I’m blessed.