Beauty from Ashes.

Growing up in Ireland I used to go to a Christian camp every summer for a few years. I loved it there a place that was safe and I got to learn about God and Jesus. I felt so changed and happy there but everytime I came home after a couple of weeks the darkness would creep back into my life again and I would lose hope that there was a God. I loved camp because it was a week out of the hell of my home friends I got to see each year, tuck shop time, swimming and being able to have as much freedom as I wanted. When I was in high school the people I hung out with went to church and invited me to Youth group and I loved it again. We did really fun things. There was a retreat for youth up at Camp Quanoes and I went and one of the nights one of the guys I knew was playing his guitar and when it was time to come forward I did and committed my life to Jesus. The reason I stayed with it this time was my friends and my youth group. My family are not Christians.

Like anything else in my life my walk with God was bumpy and I’ve been through many trials but at least this time I knew God was with me. He’s done amazing things in my life. I was healed from alcoholism, healed from the trauma’s in my life, seen Him do miracles in people’s lives that should have been dead. 9 months ago when one of my friends at church lost her husband. It was so hard on many of us. The day he died my friend Lici had a brain anurusum with a two massive clots on her brain the size of a lemon and an orange. She started to bleed out and was in a coma for two weeks. This is a woman I know really well and she’s super special to me. Lots of people all around the world were praying for her. The longer she was in her coma the less likely she would survive. She woke up and the progress she’s made in 9 months can only be known as a miracle. She should be dead and when she left the hospital the doctors told her she will have full recovery. I’ve seen amazing things with God and then others He took home that have been really hard. My friend at church grieves her husband everyday. I hate that for her so much.

My faith is strong now but it’s taken a long time to get here. As I continue with my memoirs I will touch on who I am today because of God. I would not be here today if it was not for Him and what’s He’s done in my life. I love Him with all my heart and soul. I know not everyone believes in Him. I couldn’t imagine my life with Him. He is what gives me strength to go through tough trials and He helped me survive that horrific truama I went through as a child. How else could anyone survive that?

Finding out that I was so behind in all my subjects especially English was good for me to realize that I was not dumb or stupid. After been told that your whole life you start to think maybe it’s true. My high school was awesome and gave me lots of extra help and my teachers were great. I still struggled socially but at least the teasing and bullying stopped so I could relax a bit at school. I made friends and many of them I still keep in touch with today. In two years I caught up to college level which is amazing. I actually was smart. Cool who knew. My brain needed to be challenged and it was indeed.

In 1988 I graduated from high school which was a miracle with all that I had been through. It took a lot of hard work but I never gave up and had a lot of support. After I graduated from high school I went back to Ireland to spend some time with my dad, step mom and my half brother and sisters. Despite what had happened I had missed my siblings so much. I hardly got to say goodbye to them. I had strong relationships with the oldest ones Laura was like my best friend and Lily. We went on another camping trip to the ring of Kerry. It was so nice to be treated like one of the family. I had been worried about returning what would it be like and how would I be treated.

I spent three weeks with them. I also got to see my best friend from school Karen who had missed me terribly. She had left the only school we knew and went to a different school. I had been a huge loss in her life. Things were different when I went home to visit but I was different and it was nice to visit. Even though I had missed them terribly I knew my home was in Canada with my mom. When I left to come back to Canada in 1988 that was the last time I saw my family. I’ve never gone back.

In the September of that year I enrolled in College and took an English course and then I started my Early Childhood Course. I decided to take that course because I wanted to be a voice for children. A voice that Spoke up to protect them. Someone who noticed that if things were wrong at home to speak out. Not one person ever spoke out for me even when there were huge warning signs something was wrong. I still stand of that today. I’ve stood out and up for many children when others refused to. I became an advocate for those who can’t speak out for themselves.

I struggled in my ECE course and could just about figure out class things but had the hardest time putting into practice what I had learned. My first practicum I was lost and super overwhelmed and ended up failing it and to my horror watched my whole graduation class graduate without me. What a failure I felt? I was super depressed. I got fairly good marks in my courses but had no idea how to do it practically.

I finished all my courses but would have to come back and just do practicum the following year. I joined the next year but they had no idea who I was. I worked in a job in child care and then joined them for two practicums and did amazingly well. I just needed more time to perfect it all. I graduated that following and I had gained that confidence that I needed. Success finally. I got a good job and for my second year of ECE I had worked out in the field I had a Chance to go to Ottawa and take my two specialities under three’s and my special needs diploma.

That was an awesome opportunity because I had an advantage because I had already worked in the field. I got opportunities nobody else in my class got. I will write about the two practicums I had in Ottawa because they shaped me into who I am today. I realized that I just needed more time and because I was held back I’m now an awesome outgoing and confident educator. I’ve had many experiences and done a lot of different things in my work. I will write more in my next blog.

We all learn at different rates some of us may need more time but In the end we can do what we need to do. Not everyone learns the same way. I see this in school with children. Patience and understanding is crucial. I’m so glad I had that and amazing support. Thank you to all my teachers. 🙂

A guy I knew through his photography passed away from cancer this past Monday. I’m devestated by his death. I had noticed that he had stopped putting up photos on his Facebook page and wondered if he was ok. Then January 6th he posted that he had been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer a couple of months before that. I was shocked and I know how hard kidney cancer is. He said he was getting out of hospice and was feeling better and was optimistic. I started praying for him and it sounded like there was a glimmer of hope. A friend of his organized a go fund me page so that when Dave felt better he could still go out and take his photographs. In a week all the money plus more was raised so that his truck could be purchased.

Last week I felt this urgency to pray for him so I did and he had many praying. Tuesday morning I work up and found out Dave had passed away Monday night. He had, had many strokes and his body gave out. I’m so sad. Dave was an awesome man who loved nature and adventure. I got to know Dave through his exceptional photography of my favorite place in the world. The high desert in Bend, Oregon. The 3 sisters mountains are so Beautiful. Everywhere you go in Bend those beautiful mountains loom in the background. Sometimes they are covered in clouds or fog but most days they are so clear in the distance. The high desert has some of the most beautiful scenery. It’s so different in so many ways. In many of the photos I will post you will see Juniper trees all twisted in different ways and Sage bushes. They grow all over the high desert. Five years ago I found Dave on Facebook and we often chatted about the scenery. He would comment on my comments of his photos. Seeing as he lived in Central Oregon I had asked him if he knew about Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch my favorite ranch. He knew where it was yes because he was a sanitation worker and had picked up garbage from the ranch. I told him he needed to visit. He photographed many of my favorite spots in Oregon.

Dave loved to get up really early in the morning to capture that photo and he loved sunrises and sunsets. He’d get to just the right spot to capture that amazing photo before others came. He loved finding new places to capture. His photography captured my heart all those years ago and still to this day. You can view his work at Dave White Photography on Facebook and some of his prints are for sale. All the money for his truck went to help with his medical bills and for his memorial and his celebration of life. I brought two of my favorite prints of his to honor this wonderful man. I will miss our chats and seeing the places and adventures he went on. He will be missed by many. I do know God put Dave in my life for a reason and I do know I will see him again. Dave you were one of a kind and I’m honoured to have known you for the time I did. Dave loved that I wanted to share his photos on my blog. I’m so glad you don’t have to suffer anymore. Your photographys will live on in your legacy. ❤️🙂

After being healed from alcoholism I know know if you don’t deal with why you drank you can easily get caught up in other addictions. Addiction is numbing out feelings and I already had become really good at that. Yes I didn’t drink anymore but I still carried all the pain, hurt, anger, unforgiveness, and was still running from my past. It seemed like the harder I ran the tougher life became. I still had depression and still found life really hard to deal with. I often got overwhelmed and shut down. Any habit that you have and you don’t deal with it with can turn into an addiction. I had a intimacy disorder from attachment issues that started from when my dad took me from my mom at a year and a half old. I had serious trust issues because everyone I loved hurt me in some way or another. I learned that love always came at a price. It was so hard to love anybody and what I thought was love was not. Don’t get me wrong my mom and stepdad loved me but I had no idea how to love back. My family loved me my grandparents but love was so confusing to me.

I still needed to numb out feelings I didn’t know how to deal with and one addiction replaced another one. I again sought out counselling from a Christian lady who helped me so much and today I’m free of that addiction. I realized that I had deep rooted unforgiveness in my heart. I hated my dad and stepmom for what they had done to me. That hate consumed my life for years and years. Finally I asked God to show me why I kept failing in my addiction. I used blame as a tool to keep me in bondage. One day brushing my teeth God showed me that the root to my addiction was unforgiveness.

On a trip to Bend, Oregon to visit Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch I had an opportunity to go for a walk with one of the founders of the ranch. Her and I have become good friends. I had gone to Oregon at Christmas time and the day we walked in the wilderness it was a day when the sun was out. It beat on our faces as we walked. At one stage we stopped and we knelt down in the dust and prayed. God showed me where He had been with me when I was locked in my bedroom and I called out to Him to help me. I saw him He was standing behind me and He was holding me when I was scared and alone. We prayed more and with tears streaming down my cheeks I forgave my dad and stepmom for all the pain and abuse I had endure all those years. Forgiveness is not a free pass to those who hurt me but a way for me to be freed up from that pain I carried everyday of my life. It was a release and I realized that day was the last day that they ever could hurt me again.

I had forgotten that I was out in the Wilderness with my friend. I forgave myself as well for that hate I carried in my life for so long not knowing what to do with it. It was not my fault. I was reminded that day that I am so loved and that God was standing beside me everyday and that is how I was able to survive. I’m almost 5 years free of that addiction. It went away because I dealt with the root of it. I now live life to its fullest because everyday is precious. I follow my passions and live life in freedom and redemption. This is why my blog is called Beauty from Ashes. Even though forgiveness was so hard for me to do it was the best thing I’ve ever done. That love grew in my heart and its not stopped growing.

AA works for many people around the world so I’m not saying that people should not go. AA just didn’t work for me. Everyone can choose their higher power but for me mine is God. For so many its a rock or a tree or something else. I could not have stopped drinking if God was not in my life. It’s tough though when your caught in addiction and you do things that you would often not do when you were sober. As I said before I tried to stop drinking many times but well addicts know you don’t just stop or you can’t on your own. I lived a triple life for so long then the cracks in my life started and I couldn’t hold my life together anymore. I had to go to an anger management course through work which was very eye opening. Almost all the woman in it had been mandated to take the course through the courts. You had to go everyday it was on and if you missed any of you you failed. There were some hard core people in there who had been in jail. I was scared and kept my head down. One day a lady came and talked to us about a program for people addicted to alcohol. They only problem with it was it was only offered during the day and so I could only go to one class because I was going back to work. I remember the lady raising her voice at me and telling me unless I was serious about my addiction I would never get better.

I only went that once and I have to tell you that the woman that were waiting to go into the program were really rough looking. Obviously had been drinking for a long time. I realized that if I didn’t stop that I too would look like that as well one day. That scared me so much. My family found me a lady who did counseling for addictions and I worked really hard with her. No matter what I did I could never stay sober. I felt lost and hopeless and when I used to feel good drinking I no longer felt like that. I felt stressed so much and felt awful. I felt such shame and I hated myself.

I was at a cross road in my faith as I begged God to help me or kill me. I fell into deep depression and I stopped caring about anything. I had amazing friends who thank God would check on me and try and help. I was at a crossroads in my faith and a friend of mine invited me to a bible study which I did not want to go to. I said I’d go for a month and after that I was leaving my faith. I was done. There obviously was no God and where was he when I called out to him. I counted down the weeks of the study. Before the last time I prayed one last prayer for a crazy thing. I asked God if He was real to have the guy who ran the Bible study to bring a big stack of reference books as he only ever brought his bible to the study.

I arrived at the study and the guy was not there and he came really late and as I was thinking to myself yup there’s no God. He walked in with a big stack of reference books. My mouth dropped and I was shocked. I knew that was a sign that I needed to still rely on God. The guy who ran the bible study helped me with ministry and during that time God showed me what was blocking me from stopping drinking. God took that desire of drinking from me and over 25 years I’ve never had that desire to drink again.

God healed me of my addiction to alcoholism and from that day forward I told God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do. Miracles do happen and I’m so very grateful that He healed me that day. I had to work really hard on loving myself and to not feel shame when things were hard. I never drank again but those feelings that drove me to drink would come up. Abandonment, rejection were huge triggers for me. I continued counseling to work on feelings and for a long time because I had numbed out feelings I would panic but I had to just sit in those feelings. My flight would kick in. I realize now feelings won’t kill you.

If your struggling with addiction of any kind there is help out there. There are many good programs for people. You have to find out what fits for you. A good support system is also good. A good counsellor was key for me to talk about what is happening. I’m so Thankful and blessed for life. I make sure that I don’t ever take it for granted. 🙂

One of the reasons I got caught into alcoholism was because of remembering the awful things that had happened to me. I lived in hell for 12 years and then when I got out of that and moved to Canada and got away from that nightmare. The nightmare appeared in other ways. My mom knew what something was wrong but had no idea what it was. I reacted to things as I was very sensitive and I was jumpy all the time. One day I was downtown meeting my mom at her store and a car back fired in the distance and I jumped and freaked out and I was at a cross walk and all these people were looking at me weirdly. Loud noises freaked me out and they still do. I was always super heightened if people were around me.

After being out of that abusive environment I kept thinking I saw my dad and stepmom downtown and they were coming to get me to take me back. I would see someone who liked like my dad and I would be so overcome with fear that my mind would go blank and had no idea what had happened. I would lose time but had no idea why. The nightmares were the worst where I would wake up sweating or screaming. They seemed so real.

My mom sent me to counseling to see if talking about it would help. I went to see this really nice lady. I hated talking about what had happened to me especially about the abuse. This counselor helped me with many things including trying to get me sober from alcohol. I went to a woman’s group for AA, but had a really hard time figuring out how I fit in there. The people were nice and I got a sponsor but being the only Christian in there I couldn’t relate to what was being said. My mom started coming to counseling with me and I will never forget the look and how she felt when she heard how my brother and I were treated in Ireland.

All she wanted to know was if my dad had taken us that he at least looked after us. I can’t imagine the shock and horror she felt when she knew. Now it would take years and years even a lifetime to get over such trauma. One thing I know is that you never forgot what you’ve been through but there is freedom and redemption eventually. I’m not sure how many years I went to see this first lady. I feel healing is in layers so different people help in different stages of my life. I’m grateful for this lady and still keep in touch with her. Thank you for helping me in my journey MB. ❤️

As you read before I was incredibly shy so my mom knew the man who owned a McDonalds near my home. I had to go in as a work student. My family were hoping that it would give me confidence. McDonald’s is a great first place to work and yes they teach you many skills. My first day there I was petrified and of course they want to train me on cash and customer service. The lady who trained me told me I need to yell down to get people’s attention that I was open. I just had no idea. To top it off I had to talk to the people and get their orders. It was so over my head. I liked making salads and burgers and I disliked making fries because when I was on that station it was always busy. After I got the hang of everything except drivethrough that terrified me even more. You got pins and prizes for doing well in breakfast, lunch and dinner rushes. I was taught about customer service and how to handle food. I was taught a lot of great skills that I could take out into the world and use. You work hard at McDonald’s and you learn responsibility.

The people who worked at McDonald’s became my friends and we started to hang together. I met three sisters who worked there. I become close with them and hung out lots with them and their dad. A lot of the manager’s there and staff liked to go out and party so I would go with them. Of course I was a nervous wreak when we went out. Terrified and so awkward. I loved going out with the crew and that’s where I had my first drink was at a nightclub. I realized that drinking gave me liquid courage and so I drank everytime we went out. During that time I had been having terrible nightmares and would wake up terrified. I kept thinking I was setting my dad and step mom and they were coming to get me back. I refused to sleep so going out and partying suited me fine because then I didn’t have those nightmares. I seemed to have them often. They haunted me night and day. I tried so hard to keep ahead of them and for many years I could. I ran and ran and ran.

Unfortunately though one drink turned into two and three and then after a while it was never enough to block out the feelings. I would drink so much and not remember anything. I realize now that I’m very grateful for Dena and God to protect me from what my drinking could have done to me and others. After going out every night for a year I realized long before that, that I was addicted to alcohol. I tried to stop but I couldn’t. For three years I drank, worked and went to church. I lived the triple life. At the beginning it was easy to juggle all your lives until you couldn’t. I will write more about that later.

McDonald’s served me well and it helped me pay for my first year in college. I needed more in my life and I was starting full time school that September. I did work the occasional weekends but then it was too hard with school. I still keep in touch with those I worked with. I left the world of McDonald’s and the partying world. Instead I joined a church.

As soon as they found out in school I was really behind the school I went to was awesome and helped me with extra help and I went to the READS SOCIETY which is a place where you can get extra help with English and Math. In two years I pulled up all my grades enough to be able to graduate with my friends. I always thought I was Dumb because I Constantly heard I was dumb or stupid or I would never amount to anything. What we all realized was my Brain was never challenged so I needed to almost wake it up. I also found out I was dyslexic so things people saw one way I see them the opposite way. Over all the years I had to figure how to do things differently. I did find recently at school I was stumped on something my teacher asked me to help the children with. I could not do it and now instead of feeling stupid or dumb I just told her that with dyslexia I couldn’t figure it out. She was very gracious and showed me how it worked and then I understood.

Learning disabilities are nothing to be ashamed of and now working at school I understand a lot of what children go through. If you don’t have that support it’s the most frustrating thing ever. I acted out because nobody ever helped me until I came to Canada. I realized I loved learning and that I was smart. Boy does that every make your self esteem soar. I also can reconize trauma in children and know how to help them. Being there myself I reconize the signs. Trust is the biggest thing gaining it. I often see anger and even though the child really wants to be close they push you away before you could do that to them even if you never did that.

I was so awkward as a teenager and because things were so different for me culturally. It was like I had come from another planet and was plonked here. As you’ve heard me say before it didn’t seem to matter what had happened to me. I was expected to just pick up and carry on in a new country. How do you do that? I became withdrawn as I felt overwhelmed so much and I left my only life. How do you fit in society and I hated it. The kids at school made fun of me all the time and there was one guy who was like the ring leader and he teased me mercilessly.

In Grade 11 one of the expectations was we went on a camping canoeing trip. I had never even been canoeing let alone out camping with other kids. It was one of the hardest things I did I’m not even sure I saw much of anything on the trip. The adults camped on the other side of us and this guy and his friends picked on me so much and everybody laughed. He thought it was funny to zip me in my sleeping bag and not let me out. After the trip the picking on me became unbearable a whole new level. I started skipping school and I had an amazing counsellor at school who I remember brought me into his office to ask me why I was missing so much school. I told him I hated school and didn’t want to rat out the guys that were picking on me so much. Mr. Lundeen he knew something was wrong and when I finally told him. He was livid he jumped up out of his chair and told me to stay where I was. He called that boy into his office along with the principal and told this guy if he ever made fun of me or any of his friends he would make sure charges would be pressed on him for sexual harassment.

I had no idea what’s what they were doing because nobody ever stuck up for me like that. He often checked on me and those guys never bothered me again in fact some of them Became quite protected of me. The nice thing about even back then there is zero tolerance here in schools for bullying. I love that because it protects us who are vulnerable. I can spot children that are being bullyed out on the playground. You can tell how they feel and their faces. I’m a huge advocate for those children because you feel so helpless. Children can be so cruel.

I did indeed graduate with my class which was good and I passed all my classes except for my English 12 but I was able to do it in College so that I could later enroll in my Early Childhood Education program.

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Dave White is the photographer that I use many of his photos on my blog. I recently found out that he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and now I see he won’t be able to do his job anymore and will have to go on disability. His life and passion are taking his photos. He’s really good at it. I have never met him but I have communicated with him and he knows Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. He’s been there and his photos help me when I can’t get to Oregon. There’s something about this guy I have felt from day one. His heart is huge and he’s got amazing passion. I’ve been praying for him and I wanted to share what his friend Bruce is doing for him. There is a lot of people impacted by this man. I’m not asking for money but if you feel led to give you can. I love how God brings people into our lives and it makes me cherish life as we never know what can or will happen. Thank you. ❤️

Check out Dave’s photography page it’s on Facebook Dave White Photography.

I went back to Ireland after my two month visit with my mom. I needed to go back to what I knew and I missed my siblings a lot. To me now that’s crazy thinking but even though my life was full of abuse at least I knew what was happening. It was the only life I knew. When I arrived home in a couple of weeks I would go back to school. I loved school it was my freedom but also I’d been in school with the same people for a long time. They were my life line. My dad shattered my life with what he had to tell me. He told me that since I was failing school. I was not going to go back instead I had to get a job and move out of their home or I could go and live with my mom in Canada. I’ve just finished grade 9 and I’m failing and I’m so shy of my own shadow and my maturity level is low because of how I’ve been brought up. Now I’m going to have to move out of the only home I know and get a job. I was devestated and shocked. How could he do that to me? How could he just throw his daughter away? I knew the only choice I had was to see if I Could go and live with my mom.

I realized at that time I did not fit into my home at all and I didn’t fit in with my mom in Canada. I had no choice I phoned my mom and asked her if I could come and live with her and Ben. She said yes of course and then everything happened so fast. I had to be enrolled in school so it was quick that I left the only family I knew. I had to leave all my friends at school. I at least was able to say goodbye to Karen but it was quick. Bless her heart my leaving devestated her. There was no proper explanation and it wasn’t until years later she came to visit me and was horrified why I told her. She was told that my mom wanted me and I moved there. In two weeks I said goodbye to the only life I had. My siblings were 2,3,7,9&10. I had no idea if I would ever see them again.

In a whirlwind I arrived to Canada with my one suitcase and I got enrolled into the nearby high school. The principal asked me questions about my schooling but no papers had arrived. School in Canada was so different to what I was used to. In Ireland your grades were based on how well you did so there was the year you were in and you were spilt into 4 classes. A for A students, B, C and D. I was in the D class and there were no expectations for you. In Canada everybody was in the same year and you took most of your classes with everyone else.

I was lost from day one no idea how to function in class let alone with all these strange students. I got picked on because I looked and acted so differently from them. The first time I spoke I asked someone to borrow their rubber which in Ireland is an eraser. The kids laughed so hard. From then on I decided I better learn the Canadian lingo and stopped speaking. The kids were horrible and cruel to me and picked on me so much. I grew to hate school. I was so alone and I got in nowhere. I was a misfit. I begged my mom to take me out of school. Not only was it a culture shock to me I had no idea what I was doing in school. I was failing everything. My mom and stepfather started to have lots of meetings at school about me. School realized something was up and the school physiologist came and gave me tests. He had his flipping chart and I could not make it past the second page. Turns out I was in Grade 10 at a Grade 4 level in English and most of my subjects.

I will continue on my next blog what happened next.