Beauty from Ashes.

For those who don’t me I grew up in Ireland. I lived there for 12 years. Ireland is a very beautiful place to live in. The beauty that surrounds this country is breathtaking. I lived in the Southern part of Ireland. When I lived in Ireland it was a poorer country so I saw a lot of crime. I remember going into Dublin and my dad getting stressed because if you were gone long enough you could come back to your vehicle stipped down completely and sometimes set on fire. Dublin was full of pickpockets back then. Tinkers were homeless people who travelled around in caravans they just camped wherever. They stole and left garbage everywhere they went.

These stone walls are everywhere in Ireland they are just stones stacked to make walls. Throughout the Countryside there are lots of old ruins of castles. Some you can go in some just shells of the ruins. The Countryside of Ireland is so beautiful. Thatched cottages and different coloured homes in each County.

Cathedrals are a huge part of Ireland and they are so beautiful inside. I always loved the unique strained glass windows.

Catholics and Protestants were the religion. I always said I was nothing or you’d be beat up by the kids. I went to a private school near Dublin and there was a Catholic school right beside us. The kids there were taught by nuns and they would wait for us and throw rocks at us and call us names. No religion was safer.

Donegal is so beautiful and my brother and I went to a Garlic camp where we went to improve our Gaelic. Today the people some still only speak Gaelic. I did learn a lot and it was a subject we had to take in school. Donegal is in the West of Ireland.

Dublin is the capital of Ireland and now its a huge tourist attraction. There are many sites to see. I remember as a kid Pope John Paul Coming to St. Stephens Green in Dublin. As kids we had no idea what he was saying as he spoke in Latin. I can remember running through people’s legs as they listened to what he said.

This is part of what I’m writing in my memoirs. I’ve not written it yet. I found these awesome photos off the internet. They are not mine. I would love to go back to Ireland one day a lot of my school friends live there still. One of good friends lives there with her husband. There was not much exploration as a kid. I will go back and sightsee. I’ve not been back since 1988 it will have changed a lot. I have 3 siblings who live there as well. God sure has changed my heart as I never wanted to go back. I look forward to that day. 🙂

I love when you least expect it God tells you now it’s time. He told me it’s time to begin writing my memoirs again. I’ve not written in it or on it for a long time. Now I’m in a totally different mindset. My goal is to write something every day. I printed out the pages and have been editing it and adding more information.

For a long time I wanted to publish this book but my motivation was all wrong. I wanted the book to punish the people who had hurt me. Now I want to write about my life and my healing journey along the way. This book is my journey with the Lord. This story is raw because you can’t pretty it up. I’ve written from the heart but what I love about it is the healing I’ve had Along the way. I want it to encourage others and give them hope that no matter what you have endured in your life there is freedom.

If I’m quiet on here it’s probably because I’m writing. I still want to blog while I write because blogging is a big part of my life. Recently I just celebrated 3 years of sobriety from addiction. Wow I never thought I’d ever be able to write this. It’s from having a God who always forgave me when I stumbled. It’s also from having an amazing support team. For that I’m entirely grateful. I still have support in place and will probably for the rest of my life. Accountability is huge in my life and is what helps me stay in Freedom everyday.

I may put in excerpts into my blog from my book I’ve not decided yet but I think it would be good for my readers to know what the book is about. Let me know if you would like that. I’m also asking for prayer as it’s not an easy book to write. It’s been hard already. Thanks I appreciate all your support in reading my blogs so far.

Wow today is such a different day than 3 years ago. For a long time I felt such shame and unworthiness in my life. It seemed to creep into my life often sometimes with no warning. To stop that feeling I would use addiction as a way to numb out the feelings. Today I don’t feel that and I know I am so worthy in God’s eyes.

Jesus touched those who were unclean those who often carried shame. He let the prostute wash His feet with oil. I love that story so much. He healed the lepers and told the blind man to walk. Jesus loved everyone even the people who felt unlovable.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Ephesians 2:10.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 1 Peter 2:9.

Our God is a God of love and compassion by speaking out when you feel unworthy or Shameful. God shines His Light on it and for me reading God’s truth reminded me everyday that I AM SO WORTHY. One of the things I still do often is listen to worship music and pray. I no longer feel that feeling. Do you struggle with shame and unworthiness? Reach out to God read His word and find the truth. God’s truth sets us free. Ask God for a covering of Grace.

Recently a gal I know was feeling these feelings and was having a tough time. I asked her to write down 10 things she was thankful for. She was able to see God’s promises and those feelings disappeared. I still write in my journal my gratuities and it changes how you feel. I challenge you today to write down 10 things that your so grateful for………

Tomorrow August 8th is my third year anniversary from addiction. This was the last day that I acted out. I had no idea that I would not do it again. For me this addiction is one of the harder ones to stop. It’s an addiction where you can hide it in the darkness. Before I was able to be free of it, I felt like I was in a prison and trapped forever. Every time I felt rejected it reared its ugly head. I often felt huge shame and unworthiness with it. That would spiral me further into addiction.

I’ve writtten it before that the key to my freedom was forgiveness. One day brushing my teeth God told me that my freedom was in forgiveness. My heart was black from hate and the more I hated the worse I became trapped in addiction. I did not know how to forgive two people in my life that I felt destroyed me. How do you forgive people that beat me and starved me for no reason and treated their animals better than me. I hated these two. I wanted them to pay for what I had endured.

The problem with that is everytime I fell in addiction they continued to have power over my life. It’s hard to be A Christian with hate in your heart. Now I think that God forgave each of us seventy times seven. No matter what we have done in our lives He forgives us. When your in that hate you don’t see Anything else. Three years ago I had an opportunity to go to Oregon and got to walk in the wilderness with my good friend Kim. I Remember that day like it was yesterday. It was winter time usually Bend is covered in snow but this day the sun beat down on both of us. The wilderness was dusty and Kim brought her dogs. One was a puppy and she ran in front of us playing with the other dog. I had a hard breathing because Bend is so high and I live at sea level so after I got a massive headache we stopped and knelt down in the Sage bushes to pray.

Kim asked me where I was. I said I was in a room and I was alone curled up in a ball. I was crying and calling out to God because I was scared. Kim said who is in the room with you. I said it was dark nobody but me. She told me to look harder. Then Behind me I saw a Shadow and a light and I saw Jesus Kneeling beside me stroking my hair. I cried because I realized that God had been with me in my childhood when I felt so lonely. I always was angry at God for not being there.

In that moment I knew I was never ever alone and that God had been there. I forgave my dad and stepmom for all they had done to me and wow I cried so much. After the prayer I realized I was still kneeling in the dust but a huge burden had been lifted from my heart. I no longer had problems breathing and my headache was gone. Instead I walked really straight and felt amazing. To this day I occasionally pray for them when God leads. That was the last day of my addiction. I now live in in the Light.

I would never have imagined that I could break free but I was able to and my chains were broken. Addiction is very crippling in our lives and sometimes we feel like we will never live in Freedom. There is help and hope and I pray that this will bring you one step closer to your freedom.

My good friend and I spent part of the day on this incredible beach yesterday. We had such a lovely time and brought our lunch and just hung. It was an incredible day. We decided to explore around our area and see what we could find. In our way home we were driving and I was behind a tractor trailer rig but no trailer and they were a student driver so we driving behind them and there car behind us. We were in no hurry. All of a sudden my friend gasped and I’m not sure why because we were just driving. All of a sudden to my left I notice a vehicle coming straight for us. My instincts kicked in and I swerved to the shoulder on the right. I honked my horn hard and stepped on the gas and the guy just missed us. Not sure where he was going but there also was a car behind me. He apparently came out from a side street. Our hearts about exploded in our chests. I pulled over and we just sat there in shock.

We got back on the road still in awe about what just happened. I thanked God for saving us from getting in an accident. My friend agreed that yes indeed we had been saved. We get home and we’ve been home for a few hours and I’m changing things around in my home and after we moved a table into my studio I smell burning. My friend said it’s from moving the wires. I’m not convinced that’s it. I continue to smell a burning smell.

As I start making dinner my friend is outside and tells me to come outside she wanted to show me something. I walked outside and notice smoke coming out of my herb garden. We realize this sphere is in the garden and obviously the sun hit it a certain way and it was smoking from a fire. We pulled it off the rail of the deck brought it downstairs and my friend lifted it out with oven mitts and drenched it with water. The whole soil was burnt so it was like a bog fire in my planter.

So many things running through my head with this. Glad we were home and it could have burned through the rail and so many could haves. The other weird thing was that sphere had been in that same garden for about 8 years and yesterday it decided to burn. The bottom of that was really burnt. Again I’m praising God that we caught it before it caught my home on fire. After that we removed all glass from my balcony.

God was looking out for both of us yesterday. I’m so eternally grateful Lord. Thank you. I believe angels were watching out over us both yesterday.

My heart feels like this orchid. I got this orchid and about a week after I got it, it had a tragic accident a fluke one. I was so upset all the flowers fell off except one. My big blinds in my living room fell off and crushed it. I decided I wanted another one and brought myself one on Mother’s day. I put it in one of my windows and just watered it and gave it some orchid fertilizer. Soon I noticed it was growing shoots and then buds appeared. It has regrown almost double the buds it originally had. Last night I realized it’s got three sets of flowers on it wow.

Why I’m saying I’m like this orchid is because for about 6 months or more my heart was so sad from grief and one day I decided to change myself actually about two days before my birthday. I decided to better myself and now I feel this huge joy in my heart each day. I have blossomed just like my orchid. My heart is full of joy. I’m not sure I’ve felt like this ever. Not only physically I feel good I’ve lost 15lbs and yes I feel lighter. My Confidence has soared and my relationship with the Lord has been the best it’s ever been. I’ve also had the toughest year.

During this tough season I relied solely on the Lord. I love spending time with him. He’s my best part of my life. God is using me to help others who have lost hope or feel like maybe there is nothing changing in their lives. My home finally is the way I want it to be. I love all the people God has put into my life and I’m so thankful for each of you.

I’m sorry if your hurting in your lives right now. There is hope and He is there waiting for you. Reach out to Him today. If you let me know in the comments below I can pray for you. 🙏❤️

Who is God to you when you think about him? For me God is my Eternal Father. He’s been with me throughout my whole life. He has been a huge father figure to me. He’s protected me when my own father failed me. He’s brought me Eternal peace when the world around me failed me. He’s been my provider, my comforter and Prince of Peace. I would not be here today if it was not for the Lord.

I love what God represents to me in my life he’s my best friend and Lately I see Him in so many things. I’m so blessed to live in an amazing part of the world. I’ve been spending a lot of time down on the beaches. There are rocks every shape and size and logs and the sound of the waves. I find the beauty of the islands around take my breathe away. God is in everything that surrounds us. I see God in different people and in their passions.

Who is God to you? What do you think about or see when you think of God. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. No matter who God is to each of you. Know one thing for sure He loves you very much. ❤️

Lately in my prayer time I feel God leading me to share my testimony with others. I’ve been writing it out to share with a gal I’ve recently become friends with in Oregon. We have similar backgrounds and think similar things. God drew us together for many reasons. She is a huge prayer warrior and like me she loves Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. Even though my testimony is hard to write it shows me that no matter what I’ve been through God was always there for me. When I couldn’t walk he carried me. He gave me strength where I should have died. He helped me in my darkest times. No matter what I went through as a child, a teenager or an adult He stood by me through out it all.

My life has been hard in so many ways but also so rewarding at the same time. I realized recently that my story was not finished yet. I had one last thing I needed to do. Forgiveness has been huge in my life and again I see my story cannot be completed until I forgave the person in my life I loved. It seems like love for me is such a painful thing but forgiveness is what I needed to do. One morning I got down on my knees and cried out to God that again to gain freedom I needed to forgive someone who had hurt me. It was so hard to look at that and put that into forgiveness I saw love again out of that.

I’m thankful to be able to share my testimony with others because I’m sure something in it can help someone else. God allows pain so we can grow and move forward in our lives. For me I believe it helps me feel that compassion for others who go through hard things because in some way you can relate. I also believe it strengthens our faith. A lot of people have come through really hard times but how we handle it helps. I used addiction to numb my pain but think of how many others are addicted to something.

I’m lucky I have many wonderful people in my life who love and support me in all that I do. If your having a tough time I’m here for you. I will pray for you and I can share my story with you. We need to share our stories with others. What has God done in your life, what is He doing now?

Seems like we will be stuck in this pendemic forever. Our curve had been flattened here on Vancouver Island but now we are starting to see a rise of more people getting the virus again. Again today two more cases. The first wave was tough isolating at home. I think it’s probably harder doing this journey on your own. Maybe the married people would think oh man I’m not sure I can get through another wave with this person. I have to say being on my own was not as bad as I thought it would be. I’m a social person but also love my alone time.

I hope we don’t have to go back to months at home. I love and enjoy my home but it’s hard not being able to see your friends or be able to go out when you want. It’s funny I was dying to get out once out I was dying to get back home. I think I chose the wrong career not sure if school will be back in Sept maybe only back to essential workers. I’m grateful for government assistance but I’ve never been on it ever. I love my job so we will see what happens this summer. If numbers keep rising then we may have to go back to being in our homes again.

This pendemic has been hard on so many people. I watch my mom struggle with my dad who has dementia and the stresses that come with that. My best friend started her chemo today that will be a really hard journey for her. I watch others struggle with losses and not being able to have funerals for their loved ones. I watch the care homes be shut down and nobody being able to visit their loved ones. My grandpa is 104 and a half and my parents can only visit with him outside the care home. It’s so confusing for them.

Businesses are struggling to stay afloat many just shut their doors. Domestic violence has risen and abuse of children. What do these families do when their resources are cut off. Isolation is not the answer but being able to connect is key. Video calls, social distancing, making your bubble smaller again. I’m not sure we will ever go back to church. I’m so grateful for the zoom times we have. I pray that we don’t rise up so much we are forced back into our homes again. Reach out to others who you know are Alone. Drop off some flowers, send a card or just say hi to your neighbours. We will get through this pendemic together. 🙂

” The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lay down in green pastures, He leads me by quiet waters, He refreshes my soul, He guides me along the right path for his name sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil because you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of thy enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely to goodness your love will follow me, all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

At church yesterday we talked about the Psalms which ones had meaning to us. I love the psalms a lot. I find it relaxing and a great comfort. Psalm 23 is a psalm I’ve used a lot when I was discouraged or depressed or just having a hard time. When life really kicks you down it’s a great comfort to know that I’m led to quiet waters and He refreshes my soul. My soul often needs to be refreshed to help me continue on the journey the Lord has provided. My body gets tired. He guides me on the right path that’s great. For a long time I traveled the hard road not always the right one. I made bad choices and decisions, but no matter what I chose God always brought me back to His path.

God has given me so much in my life. I would not be here today if it was not for Him. Even as a child when I cried out to Him, He was always there. He protected me from death many times. God’s faithfulness leads us through the dark valleys while He watches over us. His love is abounding for us and I know the Lord is always there no matter what. When I feel alone I cry out to the Lord and He sets me back on my path. He loves us all so much ❤️no matter where we have come from, no matter what we have done. Reach out to Him today, He is waiting for you to tell Him your needs and wants.