Beauty from Ashes.

I love children so much and have worked in Early Childhood Education in British Columbia, Canada for 30 years now. This is not a profession that one gets into if they are concerned about money. Yes I need money to live on but children and their well being to me has always come first. I have my diploma in Early Childhood Education and for 30 years in my field we have worked so hard to have quality childcare, inclusion for every child, and education that helps us go further in our field. 

In the last three years or so a lot of people have left our profession because the cost of living goes up in my city and our wages are lower. The school system decided to offer Early CHildhood educators much higher wages to come and be EA’s in the school system as they badly needed help. A lot of people my age left and now have good jobs in the school. It is unionized so better money and less hours to work.  It has been really hard to find qualified staff for jobs and many programs have had to shut down their infant centres. The place I work at has had to cut back on our spaces which means less quality care out there for infants. 

Recently the BC government through Children and Families decided to give cheaper daycare to parents and in turn boost up our wages in our field. It would be back paid from September to January of this year and a dollar an hour more and in another year another dollar an hour. This is huge for us in my field, it’s to bring more people into the field and help us bring more quality childcare to our centres. This is awesome. We finally can feel like this profession is worthy to be reconized for what we do.

Yesterday I was told our work had approved all of our staff except me and another guy because we work in special needs positions. I was in shock and what does this mean. Last night I read the regulations and those who are eliable are anyone who has a current and in good standing cert in Early Childhood, under 3’s and special needs certificates. Worked on the floor for more than 50% of the time and that your centre was approved for the grant.  I have all those certifications and those who are ineligible support workers, those educators who are off the floor, assistants, volunteers and those who look after their own children.

Does the government not realize the job I do. I do more than anybody else in my centre because the child I work with comes with a team of therapists and I have to implement what they suggest I do. It is hard work doing this job and we are NOT ELIGIBLE. How is this quality childcare if we have nobody who wants to work in helping special needs children what happens to these children- yes the funding may be there but no workers and these children will just be in our centres with no extra help.  How is that benefitting anyone especially the child that needs extra support. I already get low wages and no sick time or benefits and now because we are not able to get this grant we will lose $2,000 this year plus $4,000 next year.  

For me yes the money would have been a welcomed thing but more importantly for me THIS IS NOT INCLUSION. What happens to our special needs children and their families and quality care we have fought so hard for. I am outraged by this. Today I was told by a friend just quit my job. Another said to me well this job your in has cost you a lot and now this. I could quit my job today and get any job in my city and get my benefits my grant etc but how do I explain to the family whose child I have worked for 2 years I’m quitting on you and your child for more money. This is not about money to me this is about an really unfair thing that is happening to our children, it’s exclusion so if you have special needs to bad we will not give you quality people to work with you.

The little boy I work with was in a tragic accident that caused him to now have a brain injury. If he did not get one on one help he would not be so far in his development and be able to do so many things that typical 4 year olds can. He would not have had that so important intervention that is proven over and over again to help in the first 5 years of a child’s life. He would not be able to go to school or have the same opportunities as any other child. Why is his family and so many others being punished for having no workers to work for them or people with no or little education. These are our children, this is their future. Quitting would also say I don’t care about what is happening and I’ve never quit anything in my life without a huge fight.

Today I wrote letters to people who needed to know about this. I have more to write and a bunch of people who care about childcare are writing to their MLA and the MInistry of child and Families. This fight is not over. Speak out today and stand up for what is right. I will let you know how this turns out.        

 

https://annvoskamp.com/2019/01/when-a-cussing-drug-addicted-mom-shows-up-at-your-church/

How many of us really know what hunger is all about? Most of you will know what it is like to never know what hunger is about. You will know what 3 meals a day is like and snacks. I wish everyone could experience that. According to feedingamerica.org   40 million Americians struggle with hunger which includes 12  million children. Wow! I find that staggering.  4 million people in Canada experience food insecurity and 1 in 8 Canadians struggle to put food on their tables. This topic lays near and dear to my heart. It is a hard and painful subject for me, but recently wrote about it in my memoirs.

As a child growing up in Ireland we lived in poverty. There were 7 children to feed so money was always tight. My stepmom was Catholic so there were often big families. We had food in our house, but my brother and I were not allowed access to it. We were the black sheep of the family and we were shoved aside. Both of us spent long days and nights locked in our rooms. When my brother lived at home we would hang out on the landings of our homes. My brother tried to protect me as much as he could. I felt helpless as a child.

We were often only allowed one meal a day which usually dinner, but I was not allowed to join the family at the table. That’s another story which you can read in my memoirs. Food often consisted of foods I hated. My stepmom was a terrible cook and boiled everything to death so it was often very rubbery. One would think if you were hungry you would just eat it. I hated liver and I always got an extra portion of it. I was told if I wouldn’t eat it I was not leaving the table. So I sat there for a long time, part of my plan is to see how long I could sit there and not have to go back to my bedroom. My stepmom made me sit there for hours. At least it was a different place to be as I often spent days and months locked in my bedroom. Here I could see how my siblings lived and if I cranked my neck I could hear the tv.  Finally she would get fed up and I’d go back to my room. The next day it would be in my lunch to take to school.

On my way to school I would toss it into the garbage. I learned for a while that my dad kept lots of loose change in his coat pocket and I would steal change out of it and buy food in the tuck shop at school.  When you are hungry so hungry that you feel like you will die eventually that pain of hungry numbs and I had to figure out how to get food without getting caught. While all the kids were outside playing for recess I would go from classroom to classroom pulling out one thing from each kids lunch and put it in my lunch. I had to be so careful and after a week would go to the next grades classrooms and start again.  I never did it from the kids in my grade.   

As I got older I couldn’t do that anymore when I moved to a differnt part of the school so I would borrow money from the Librarian to buy food. Eventually one of my school friends her mom would buy me lunch tickets to have a hot meal at school. Her daughter kept the tickets for me and at least everyday while school was on I would be able to eat. When you are so hungry all the time, school and learning is something that is impossible. Concentrating on anything is awful so I used to just fool around and not pay attention ever.  I picked fights with all the kids and goofed off in school and was known to be a troublemaker. No I was just hungry.  Not one teacher  I had ever knew I was starving.

Others ways I got food was the lady who lived across the street would pick me up with her son and on those days she always had been grocery shopping and while she went inside her house I would load up her food into my backpack and go home and eat. I believe that she knew something was really wrong over at my house and that is why she did that. I’m very thankful for her. I also tried stealing at local grocery store until I got caught and my dad beat the crap out of me. That ended that. I did find out later that my brother would go in the store and grab lots of bags and fill the bags up in the isles and walk out of the store. I should have teamed up with him.

It’s amazing how when one is hungry your survival skills kick into place. I hated to steal but without food I would have died. One crappy meal a day would not have been enough. My hardest times were summers they were long not allowed out at all. Sometimes but rarely my dad would let me out of my bedroom to eat something before my stepmom would be back.  

While kids were out being kids I was surviving this cruel world. I may not be good at sports or other activities, but I do have amazing survival skills. Thank you God for helping me survive from hunger. I no longer have to worry about where my next meal comes from, but as we have read at the beginning people and children are still hungry everyday. We can reach out and help.

This is Rosa my sponsor child from Guatemala I sponsor her so she can go to school, eat and whatever she needs. I sponsor her through Hope of Life International. It’s an amazing organization and once a month she gets money to help her grow and learn. I have also volunteered at the food bank 850,000 people go each month to the food bank to get food for their families. How can you help with people being hungry? 

https://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/who-we-are/our-herd/phoenix

This story about pheonix touched my heart so much and when I first went to the ranch I related to this horse so much for how it had been treated. 

Thanks for reading. Be Blessed today. 

 

 

One of my bosses lent me 3 books on writing as I told her I was writing my memoirs. This is the first one I cracked open the other day. I love it a lot, because it’s got short stories everyday and quotes from differnt people some of the things that have stood out to me was things I have felt but was not sure how I was supoosed to feel about them. This is the kind of book you could read day by day, but because it was lent to me I couldn’t keep it for a year. I have actually put it on my wish list to buy. 

On the 5th day the title of the day is Getting Caught. A group of students were asked if writing felt dangerous to them. One student replied ” Writing is dangerous because you might get caught.” –  Ralph Keyes ” Anxiety is not only inevitable part of  the writing process but a necessary part. If your not scared your not writing.”  For me to write my memoirs is terrifying in some ways and exciting all wrapped in one. It makes me feel really vulnerable and all my secrets will be exposed. I often worry about my proffession, would my co-workers or families I work with judge me for my past. I also know that if I don’t venture out and do this; I would be missing out on sharing an incredible story.

My family comes from the era that we do not tell people our darkest secrets. I’ve been told many times if I need to write, write it in a journal. Do you know how many journals I have more than you could ever imagine. I used to dream of writing my story but I thought for a long time that I was stupid. I was often told I was stupid or dumb and that I would never amount to anything. Guess what they were wrong. I became a woman who has strong passions for children. I love all the children I have taught for the past 30 years. God has given me a huge heart for those that are picked on or are different in some way. I was often told I did not belong. God gave me a heart that understands those hard topics that people will run away from. I understand addiction, sucide, depression, abuse, feeling so hungry I thought I would die. I wrote even as a child stuck in hell. I now know this writing helped me survive, so if I can survive all these things I can survive writing my memoirs.

Since I confessed about why I had orginally wanted to write my memoirs I have written 5 pages. I have that flare to write again and the words drip off the pages of the book. I can’t wait to sit down and write, so everyday I will write something.  I turn on my favorite music and put on my headphones and I write.  Sometimes when I write I feel happy or sad or a hard memory will come up and it’s tough. Sometimes I will reflect on that painful memory and cry or stop and pray and keep going out. I think bit by bit I will get through this book. I have written 67 pages so far. I’m proud of myself for getting this far.

My counselor is a wise woman she often says to me if I sit in those hard memories I won’t die. I hate feeling hard emotions or feelings but yes she’s right. I’ve not died yet…………. The book is about hard painful things but also happy memories all rolled into one. I’m thankful that I can walk this journey with each of you, I have a lot of awesome people in my life.  God gives me the strength to get through those hard times and I believe all this writing will bring FREEDOM for me.

” Writing is not a hobby. Collecting stamps or coins is a hobby, writing is a calling.” Day 3 Holy calling from A year of Writing Dangerously by Barbara Abercrombie          

This morning I was reflecting on why I love writing on my blog, but my book seems to be back on the shelf again. I was talking to my husband about it and came to realize that I originally started to write this book as a way to get back at the people who hurt me. They hurt me so this was my way to hurt them. I told myself and others that this book would bring hope and encouragement.  I have struggled writing it from day one and often had to put it out of my mind. I told myself it’s hard to write because of the content of my past. That is tough but deep down I now know it’s because this book was not my story through God, it was my story about me and revenge. I hate admitting that but I also know that confession is a must to put the situation in the LIGHT.  

Along the way God changed my heart about my dad and my stepmom and in one of my blogs I wrote about the forgiveness and how God took that hate and blackness I carried in my heart and filled it up with love.  I truly do want to write this book to encourage others. I want people to know that no matter what you have gone through in your life that God looks after us  and we can do anything.  I could have given up many times or let addiction take over my life. Instead I wanted a better life and I have worked so hard to do what God wants for me.

I want my memoirs to glorify God as it’s my story through Him. This morning I prayed that God helps me write this book and that He gives me the right words to write. I want my heart to shine in every word that is written. I want that love to shine through even when it’s tough to read.  I now know that even though my past was very hard and tough and painful, that shaped who I am today and that is why I will fight for those hard things because I am a survivor.  People who know me well call me fiesty. Fiesty is a good trait if it is used in the right way, it means to me that I will never give up no matter what. I will fight and stand on the TRUTH no matter what.

I realized today that I’m ready to write this book to honor God.  Thank you Lord for showing me what this block was. My goal is to write everyday and before I will know it, it will be written. I tell people this is one of the hardest things I have done as it’s painful at times to remember but I also need to remember that I’m free from all of that pain and now I’m free from unforgiveness. That was massive in my life.  Unforgiveness for me was a huge weight that was drowning me that I could bearly breathe. I thought it only effected me in addiction but now I realize it impacted my life in huge ways. It effected me writing and now that explains to me why I struggled so much with this book.  

I look forward to writing and I will still blog and maybe even write about some of it here. I’m off to tackle the book now. Thanks for listening to me.     

Seems like this is a hot topic in my life right now, so I thought I would write about it. When we put all our stocks in others we are bound to get hurt one way or another. The only person we can soley rely on is Jesus. He is who we should be turning to for everything. I find if I rely too much on  certain people I always seem to get hurt. Don’t get me wrong I have my core people my peeps I can turn to and they are always there for me. I love that, no matter what is happening they are there. Good friends are hard to replace.

In Jeremiah 17:5-9 it says ” Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wildernessin the unhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord. He is like a treeplanted by water, that sends out it’s roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for it’s leaves remain green; and it is not anxious in the year of the drought for it does not cease to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?”  

” The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”  Psalm 18:2 The bible is full of scriptures about trusting God. God will never disappoint us but man will. I guess why this is a highlight in my life right now is on a couple of occasions I have felt disappointed and discouraged when I realized I have set my expectations of others too high and that I have set them in the wrong place. It was good for me to see this even though it hurt, it was a good lesson for me. 

I am an introvert in some ways although I do like my down time, so I use people to boost me up and that’s what motivates me to continue on. I don’t do well on my own for long periods of time boredom for me is deadly. Often that is when I would use sexual addiction to fill in those spaces. I enjoy people a lot. Sometimes I can expect things from them and when I don’t get them I feel that rejection or disappointment. During those times I listen to worship music or write or reach out to others. I also can reconize that I need more of God and soak up His words. Then I feel that peace again that only comes from Him. 

 

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How precious are you to me I love that you were put in my life to help me survive. Without each of you, I would not have lived. Life growing up was horrific and unbearable, but you helped me through with your protection and humor. We got through that life. We got through it together. God created each of you for a purpose. We have grown up together laughed, cried, know each of our inner thoughts.

Each of you is so beautiful and unique in your own ways. I admire all of you because you never give up on anything.  You are all strong and courageous and very brave. I’m sorry we had to meet under those bad circumstances, but without that in my life; I would never have met any of you.  Some of you are young, some middle aged and some my age. It does not matter who you are, you were all created special. Thank you for protecting me for so long, I no longer need you to do that for me. We now have the Lord, He is the only protector I need. Your job is done now. NOw I need all of you to come together with me as one so that we can do what God has laid on our hearts to do. We must fight this fight together as one.

Do you realize we can be one hell of a strong woman together? God has given us a massive huge heart for others, we understand their pain, we may even have lived through it, we can show compassion, love or just listen. When people are sad or suffering we can feel their pain. Sometimes it can feel like a huge burden, but giving it up to the LOrd it’s not our pain to carry; because of our faith God has given us the power of prayer. People call on us to pray for them in all circumstances.  

Our heart is huge for children, especially those that feel alone or abused or cannot fight for themselves. We stand in the gap for them no matter what the cost is to us.  Do you remember that when nobody cared enough for us and we were alone. We promised ourselves that we would not let this happen to other children. If we were there we would help and speak out. We’ve done this many times where others just stood there and ignored it. We challenged those people about their choices and they were more worried about their jobs then what was right. We challenged them on why did they teach children if they stood aside. God has used us in many ways in this area.

We understand a lot of things most people have no idea about.  We understand rejection, abuse, hunger, been bullied and so much more.  God gave me each of you as a gift. A very precious gift.  Your purpose in life is to help me be the best person I can be. Lets conquer this journey together. I’m here for each of you. Reach out and hold my hand we have got this with God.

Love you 🙂 

Forbes did statistics on how many people actually follow through with their New Years resolutions and it’s apparently grim less then 25% of people stay committed to their resolutions after 30 days.   

Instead of making new years resolutions like so many and by Febuary or March feeling disappointed in myself or at a loss for not keeping one resolution, I decided to set simple goals for myself. Goals that can be attained.  One of my friends who writes blogs said that she carried over her goals from last year to this year so now she’s in groove of what she wanted to accomplish; and did not have to start fresh. I like that if I’m already doing these things everyday in the next year you just carry them forward.

My biggest thing I’ve been doing is to not look at any social media or emails until I have spent time with The LORD. He’s my first priority.  My next goal is to spend more time in prayer to and from work. I started doing this in December and I enjoyed it so much. One of my friends son’s is sick so I prayed for him each morning and his family.  I got a new leather journal for Christmas from Crystal Peaks and I write down scriptures or things people share with me and everyday I write down at least 5 things I’m thankful for. We have so much to be thankful for in this life. Even if we can’t see it God is always moving and I’m so thankful for many things.

My next goals are to do with my health I joined weight watchers again as I want to lose 40lbs and I need accountability from others. Like community in my church I cannot do this weight journey on my own. I downloaded the app and I write down everything I eat and it’s nice to go and listen to others what has worked for them/ not worked etc. Exercise is hard for me.I talked to many people lately who have struggled with addiction and they all tell me the same thing that excerise is hard to wrap their heads around so I’m doing small steps and walking on my breaks and using my fit bit.  I even increased my steps to 2,000 more. Maybe one day I will tell you I like exercise maybe it just grows on you.  If I find different places to walk then I can enjoy God’s beauty while out exercising. 

I’m doing a 12 step study with a wonderful woman in an addictions group through Life Church and keeping working on my sobriety. I plan on reading books that will challenge me in my life and my faith. I think these all are good attainable goal for me this year. 

I also plan on keeping up with my book and Blog writing. A friend told me to try everyday to write so that is another one of my goals.  I pray God continues to help my writings to encourage others. I’m ready to speak out more about addiction as it is all around us.

What goals do you have for 2019? I would love to hear about them.

 

 

 

What does true beauty look like? To me in many ways it is how this photo up above looks like. I love landscape that is beautiful to the eye, so serene and peaceful and you know when you look at it, it’s God’s handiwork.  The world’s perspective of true beauty is how we look physically.  We are constantly been told how we should be and how we fall short.  Sometimes we often feel as though we can never measure up. Then we find ourselves hiding in our dark bedrooms, medicating ourselves or having depression or anxiety.  We lose our courage and then become numb.

True beauty only comes from God. To me it’s inner beauty that only God and others who know us can see it. I have a hard time seeing myself as how God sees me. I am very harsh on how I see myself for me at times , it’s easier to hide in that dark room then face who I am in Christ.  ” You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty and quiet spirit which is so precious to God. ”  Fierce Beauty by Kim Meeder p. 33 .  I have tried to change my appearance because I don’t like how I look, or I drink too much to fit in; because I’m socially unacceptable. Pretending you are something you are not is hard to keep up and it forces you to put on differnt masks for different environments. In the end it hurts you more and isolates you from who God wants us to be.

” I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. ”  Romans 15:13  

” Don’t be afraid for I am with you, don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthened you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious hand.” Isaiah 41:10

” True beauty – We often chase after this world’s definition of beauty and value and reject genuine worth offered by our Lord. Will we live in fantasies of our own creations or choose God’s best purpose for our lives? ”  Fierce Beauty by Kim Meeder p.32 ” 

God is calling all of us to be beautiful to lay down ourselves and pick up the cross and fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. That is my passion in this world to stand in the gap for those that need encouragement and hope.  ” However righteous beauty is like a sunrise ; it cannot be stopped no matter what circumstances surround it. It is not effected by weather of percieved emotions. It is stable, secure, and dependable. It does not merely sparkle from the outside in; it radiates from the inside out, because it’s inside those perishable containers that the glory of our God is held. This glory——— His glory within us is what makes us beautiful. ” Fierce Beauty by Kim Meeder p.33.  

That is what true beauty is all about and I need to remember this when I think about who I am in Christ. He is shaping and molding me into who He wants me to be. This beauty grows within us when we open our eyes and our hearts to those who are hurting. God has given me a huge heart for those who hurt, He has given me compassion and grace to know how to reach out to others. When they hurt I feel their pain and know how to pray for them or just come alongside them.  Reach out to those who are around you, pray for them, give a kind word, show them love, understanding and compassion. We all need to know there is someone in our court. Who will you reach out to today?