Author: walking in freedom

As soon as they found out in school I was really behind the school I went to was awesome and helped me with extra help and I went to the READS SOCIETY which is a place where you can get extra help with English and Math. In two years I pulled up all my grades enough to be able to graduate with my friends. I always thought I was Dumb because I Constantly heard I was dumb or stupid or I would never amount to anything. What we all realized was my Brain was never challenged so I needed to almost wake it up. I also found out I was dyslexic so things people saw one way I see them the opposite way. Over all the years I had to figure how to do things differently. I did find recently at school I was stumped on something my teacher asked me to help the children with. I could not do it and now instead of feeling stupid or dumb I just told her that with dyslexia I couldn’t figure it out. She was very gracious and showed me how it worked and then I understood.

Learning disabilities are nothing to be ashamed of and now working at school I understand a lot of what children go through. If you don’t have that support it’s the most frustrating thing ever. I acted out because nobody ever helped me until I came to Canada. I realized I loved learning and that I was smart. Boy does that every make your self esteem soar. I also can reconize trauma in children and know how to help them. Being there myself I reconize the signs. Trust is the biggest thing gaining it. I often see anger and even though the child really wants to be close they push you away before you could do that to them even if you never did that.

I was so awkward as a teenager and because things were so different for me culturally. It was like I had come from another planet and was plonked here. As you’ve heard me say before it didn’t seem to matter what had happened to me. I was expected to just pick up and carry on in a new country. How do you do that? I became withdrawn as I felt overwhelmed so much and I left my only life. How do you fit in society and I hated it. The kids at school made fun of me all the time and there was one guy who was like the ring leader and he teased me mercilessly.

In Grade 11 one of the expectations was we went on a camping canoeing trip. I had never even been canoeing let alone out camping with other kids. It was one of the hardest things I did I’m not even sure I saw much of anything on the trip. The adults camped on the other side of us and this guy and his friends picked on me so much and everybody laughed. He thought it was funny to zip me in my sleeping bag and not let me out. After the trip the picking on me became unbearable a whole new level. I started skipping school and I had an amazing counsellor at school who I remember brought me into his office to ask me why I was missing so much school. I told him I hated school and didn’t want to rat out the guys that were picking on me so much. Mr. Lundeen he knew something was wrong and when I finally told him. He was livid he jumped up out of his chair and told me to stay where I was. He called that boy into his office along with the principal and told this guy if he ever made fun of me or any of his friends he would make sure charges would be pressed on him for sexual harassment.

I had no idea what’s what they were doing because nobody ever stuck up for me like that. He often checked on me and those guys never bothered me again in fact some of them Became quite protected of me. The nice thing about even back then there is zero tolerance here in schools for bullying. I love that because it protects us who are vulnerable. I can spot children that are being bullyed out on the playground. You can tell how they feel and their faces. I’m a huge advocate for those children because you feel so helpless. Children can be so cruel.

I did indeed graduate with my class which was good and I passed all my classes except for my English 12 but I was able to do it in College so that I could later enroll in my Early Childhood Education program.

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Dave White is the photographer that I use many of his photos on my blog. I recently found out that he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and now I see he won’t be able to do his job anymore and will have to go on disability. His life and passion are taking his photos. He’s really good at it. I have never met him but I have communicated with him and he knows Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. He’s been there and his photos help me when I can’t get to Oregon. There’s something about this guy I have felt from day one. His heart is huge and he’s got amazing passion. I’ve been praying for him and I wanted to share what his friend Bruce is doing for him. There is a lot of people impacted by this man. I’m not asking for money but if you feel led to give you can. I love how God brings people into our lives and it makes me cherish life as we never know what can or will happen. Thank you. ❤️

Check out Dave’s photography page it’s on Facebook Dave White Photography.

I went back to Ireland after my two month visit with my mom. I needed to go back to what I knew and I missed my siblings a lot. To me now that’s crazy thinking but even though my life was full of abuse at least I knew what was happening. It was the only life I knew. When I arrived home in a couple of weeks I would go back to school. I loved school it was my freedom but also I’d been in school with the same people for a long time. They were my life line. My dad shattered my life with what he had to tell me. He told me that since I was failing school. I was not going to go back instead I had to get a job and move out of their home or I could go and live with my mom in Canada. I’ve just finished grade 9 and I’m failing and I’m so shy of my own shadow and my maturity level is low because of how I’ve been brought up. Now I’m going to have to move out of the only home I know and get a job. I was devestated and shocked. How could he do that to me? How could he just throw his daughter away? I knew the only choice I had was to see if I Could go and live with my mom.

I realized at that time I did not fit into my home at all and I didn’t fit in with my mom in Canada. I had no choice I phoned my mom and asked her if I could come and live with her and Ben. She said yes of course and then everything happened so fast. I had to be enrolled in school so it was quick that I left the only family I knew. I had to leave all my friends at school. I at least was able to say goodbye to Karen but it was quick. Bless her heart my leaving devestated her. There was no proper explanation and it wasn’t until years later she came to visit me and was horrified why I told her. She was told that my mom wanted me and I moved there. In two weeks I said goodbye to the only life I had. My siblings were 2,3,7,9&10. I had no idea if I would ever see them again.

In a whirlwind I arrived to Canada with my one suitcase and I got enrolled into the nearby high school. The principal asked me questions about my schooling but no papers had arrived. School in Canada was so different to what I was used to. In Ireland your grades were based on how well you did so there was the year you were in and you were spilt into 4 classes. A for A students, B, C and D. I was in the D class and there were no expectations for you. In Canada everybody was in the same year and you took most of your classes with everyone else.

I was lost from day one no idea how to function in class let alone with all these strange students. I got picked on because I looked and acted so differently from them. The first time I spoke I asked someone to borrow their rubber which in Ireland is an eraser. The kids laughed so hard. From then on I decided I better learn the Canadian lingo and stopped speaking. The kids were horrible and cruel to me and picked on me so much. I grew to hate school. I was so alone and I got in nowhere. I was a misfit. I begged my mom to take me out of school. Not only was it a culture shock to me I had no idea what I was doing in school. I was failing everything. My mom and stepfather started to have lots of meetings at school about me. School realized something was up and the school physiologist came and gave me tests. He had his flipping chart and I could not make it past the second page. Turns out I was in Grade 10 at a Grade 4 level in English and most of my subjects.

I will continue on my next blog what happened next.

I’ve not written in a bit because I’m sick right now and trying to get my head around writing was not happening. I also needed a bit of time out from my memoirs. They triggered me and brought up a lot of feelings. I’m feeling better about that after talking it out with Joan. I’m not sure I have ever talked about how that time made me feel. It brought up painful Sad memories for me. I will continue on through God’s strength not my own.

As I’m sitting here today I’m reflecting on God’s many blessings in my life. I have so many. Today I called the ranch. Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch in Oregon. It’s my home away from home. Some of my best friends I’ve had either have worked there or work there now. The founders Kim and Troy Meeder are dear to my heart. Kim I’ve gotten to know on my many trips has a beautiful soul for Jesus. She has many podcasts and can often be heard on Focus on the Family. You want to hear an amazing testimony she’s got one. Those who know me well know Crystal Peaks is my refuge. When I go to the ranch the peace I find on it is nothing like I’ve ever experienced. God is all around through the people, the horses and the scenery. When I stand up at the top of the ranch by the cross you can see the whole entire world up there. It’s glorious up there. The three sisters mountains often loom over the scenery. Often are covered in snow. I have a wooden plaque in my kitchen with those mountains on them. They are spectacular.

As soon as I get off the plane and step out onto the pavement the peace that surrounds me is delightful and I know I’m home. It’s been two and a half years since I was last there. I went for my 50th birthday. I have many friends who live here and I stay with them. Their homes are like my homes. Everywhere you drive in Bend you see these glorious mountains. The last time I was at the ranch Tim, Rachel and I went 4x4ing in Tim’s rental truck on the back trails behind the 3sisters. Wow it was awesome and amazing and we saw amazing things including the sun set. We wanted to get as close to the Mountains as we could. That was a fun day.

I’m so blessed for knowing all the people I do and for all my friends who are like my second family. The high desert is my happy place. I’m the summer it’s blazing hot in the high desert something I’m not used to. One of my favorite things to do is go to Sutle tea in Sisters and hang out with my friends. They got the best cold teas. Sisters is an awesome little town with great shops and awesome restaurants.

When I go to ranch I always make sure I volunteer there. There’s nothing better then scooping poop with young people, gardening with young and older people, picking weeds, gardening or whatever else needs doing. I’ve met some of the nicest families there who bring their children to ride and while they wait they come and volunteer at the ranch. It’s an amazing place for everyone to come to. There is a store with souvenirs from the ranch. That’s why I was calling the ranch yesterday. I brought a mug for a friend of mine. I wanted to bless her.

I’m hoping to go back to this wonderful place this summer. I can’t wait but for now I can dream. The man who took these photographs his name is Dave White. He’s recovering from cancer and I’ve got to know him over Facebook. I’ve been praying for him and I’m asking people to continue to pray for his full healing. He’s a guy I want to meet next time I go.

Thanks for coming on my journey to the ranch.

I’m getting a whole ton of feelings right now with meeting my mom for me it’s like the first time, to coming back for two months to moving here I’ve not written about that yet. It brings up tons of rejection, abandonment, to how is a young girl supposed to make sense to any this. Nobody understood even though they tried. When I eventually got to talk to someone where the heck do you start. I’m feeling big huge raw feelings right now and part of me my running part wants me to keep running and not write about it. I did that my whole life and even though this is hard and rough for me, I do know it’s the right thing to do.

Remember years back Michelle Knight and the other two woman that were held in that basement and horrific things Happened to them. Months later after their rescue I heard Michelle on Dr. Phil and the biggest thing she spoke about was when you get out of that years of that abuse and your rescued and then your expected to just go and live in the world. The hardest thing for her was how do you do that. How do you just go back to living your life when your whole world was ripped upside down.

I never forgot and I totally understand that statement because how do you just go on living in a whole other life. One that you don’t fit in no matter how hard you try. I never fitted in anywhere. Everything was new and foreign. It was even harder coming from Ireland to Canada the culture is just so different. I eventually went to counseling but it took years for me to realize the depth of what had happened.

Even then how do you process the whole thing and kids in school were brutal to me I was bullied a lot for being different. As I feel that fear of wanting to run a voice inside me tells me what if I’m helping one person who is feeling or has felt like I do. For me reading about hope and redemption helped me get through my tough life one day at a time.

I start back at school tomorrow so I won’t be writing as much and need to process some of what I’m talking about. I have a good counsellor so I will uppack some of this with her. Thanks for praying for me in this journey. It’s difficult for me.

Life began happening really fast since the first time I met my mom. Peter he moved out here to go to school. My mom wanted me to spend two months of my summer holidays with me in Canada. As soon as school was done I was on a flight to Victoria. I had mixed feelings because the only family I knew was my family in Ireland. Yes this woman was my mom but she was a complete stranger to me. I had no feelings for her even though she treated me well.

I had come from a very shelthered life where I was scared of my own shadow. I trusted nobody and even less people who were nice to me. They were people that hurt me the most. Peter was busy with his life here and had no time for his sister. He also treated badly because of how he had been taught. I never noticed until I was out of that environment. My mom was horrified how he talked to me. How would he know any difference that was what was modelled to him.

My mom and Ben had a tent trailer and they wanted to take me in holidays with them. I had no idea how I was supposed to act and my mom is particular on how she wants things and I’m not used to having people tell me things so I fought with her. When I argued with her she did nothing so I pushed her more and more and she never hit me. That was a weird concept. Her expectations of me seemed over the top and I could not figure out what she wanted. I never had expectations or boundaries. My mom was very neat and tidy and I well I just didn’t care. We clashed often.

We travelled to the interior and it was beautiful except that I couldn’t see properly because even though I had glasses I could not see Anything out of them. Everything was always fuzzy. I hate that I missed all that beautiful scenery. We did go to Bakersville it’s an old town where they acted out the town and I got to pan for gold. That was awesome and I loved it. My mom and Ben loved to hike and well I had never hiked anywhere in my life so I complained often and said I was sick.

It was difficult trying to have a relationship with my mom. I had no idea what our how to have one. All I knew were four walls and limited time out of them. I also only had school and that was it. My world was really small. With my mom my world was huge and there was no safe place for me. I became so anxious and panicked. I wanted to go back home to Ireland. I didn’t want to be here anymore.

As I write this I’m saddened by this but my world was so small and at least I knew what was happening even if it was beatings every day, locked in my room, starving and my family. At least I knew what was coming. With my mom my world was too large and I couldn’t handle it. I had no idea what was happening day by day. It was safer yes but in reality not safer for me. I returned home after my summer holidays to find that my life would be turned upside down forever.

I love with a new year we get to have a clean slate and for me it gives me much hope. It seems like many have given up and lost hope especially with this virus. It has knocked the wind out of many. I do know one thing for sure that no matter what happens God is with us.

One of the reasons why I wanted to write my memoirs was to share the story of redemption. My blog is called beauty from Ashes because God took a horrible situation and He made it beautiful. Isaiah 61:3 “…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. Wow that verse says it all. Yes my story is hard to read at times and the abuse I endured was horrific but God was with me every step of the way. I’ve been writing it to give people Hope in a world that has lost all hope. God used my story to make me a strong woman who stands up for others. Even though it sounds ridiculous God uses our stories for His glory and to help others.

After twelve years of hell, I guess my dad decided to contact my mom. He knew where she lived as he had her address all along. He said she could have contact with her kids. He wrote and sent her photos and I started a dialogue with to me was a complete stranger. I had no relationship and for a young girl how do you wrap your head around this was your mom. She wanted to see Peter and I. She was cautioned by my dad that if she tried to get custody of us or any legal action. He would never let her ever see us again. My mom just wanted to see us. She lived in Canada and she arranged for us to fly from Dublin to Vancouver airport.

The day came for us to fly to Canada and meet our mom. It was the Christmas of 1983. I was scared and I had never flown before but I was so glad Peter was with me. I will never forget the doors of the airport opening and this woman coming running out of the crowds and hugging Peter. I just stood there. She eventually came over to me and hugged me. I stood like a board. We got our luggage and I met Ben who was married to my mom. We drove to the ferry to catch it to go back back to Vancouver Island where they lived.

Ben worked for the ferries and so everyone knew him. He was kind and soft spoken. He asked if I wanted fries with gravy said that was a Canadian thing. I only knew chips with ketchup. We eventually got back to their home. As we drove I was amazed that Canadians lived in homes not igloos where was the snow. That’s what I had learned in school. They had a nice home and we got settled in our rooms.

I was super shy and our mom was so glad we were home that lots of people came to visit. I had no idea who they were but they had supported my mom in her loss for 12 years. My mom owned a store downtown and she took me there to visit. We went out for lunches, dinners and other people’s homes. I met Mandy and John, Ben’s Parents. The first time I met them I really liked them. They came on Christmas morning for a special brunch at our home and then later we went to their home for Christmas dinner. I got really nice presents for Christmas. A video game, clothes and a teddy bear I still own today.

Even though my mom was a stranger to me I felt this warm love something that was totally foreign to me. I spent three weeks with her and Ben. Then it was time to go back to Ireland. Even though they were my family how do you leave this to go back to your hellish life. When we went back Peter left Ireland and came to love in Canada. I was alone again. My siblings took my toys and my clothes were taken away from me and given to them.

I was able to return the following summer for two months. My next post will be about that trip. That was a difficult trip. Stay tuned….

I got lots people reaching out to me about my posts especially the one I wrote last night. It was difficult to write but I do want all of you to know that God has healed me in so many ways. I’ve worked really hard to forgive all those who hurt me and now I live in Freedom. This part of my memoirs are hard to write and I know for many to read. Throughout it all God shone his light into my life and he sent people and eventually I got out of that abusive situation. It was horrific and no child should ever go through what I endured. Now I will write about how I got out of that situation and how I eventually moved to Canada.

I have four half sisters and one half brother and my brother who lives here in Canada near me. Growing up I was really close to Laura. She’s four years younger then I am. We did everything together. We had an awesome relationship and I love this gal so much. We laughed and did Everything together. Laura was really effected about how my brother and I were treated. She suffered from depression and would become really sad when things became really hard for my brother Peter and I. We went to school together, walked home together. Waking home was always boring so Laura and I tried smoking our first cigarettes together. We tried to feel cool although the taste of cigarettes is nasty. Of course our dad found them on me one morning and I kept my mouth shut about my sister. He made me smoke the whole pack seeing as he said I liked smoking. Man I was so sick and that was the end of the smoking. 🚬

Laura was the sister when we went on Holidays who rode the donkey with me. She loved horses so she graduated to riding horses on that trip and I stuck to the stubborn donkeys. Laura and I hung out all the time up at the farm. My stepmom’s family owned a farm in County Cavan. I’m not sure how long they owned that farm for but Martha’s my step mom, mom and dad had the farm before it was passed down to their kids.

The farm had cows, a bull where Laura and I wore red and raced in front of the bull so he’d chase us. We did that often. Chickens, pigs and piglets. Wow piglets squeal loudly. They also had sheep and sometimes we got to feed the lambs with bottles. That was awesome. They milked the cows and sold the milk. The farm was huge. I loved the farm so much. That was a place where Laura and I got to run and be free all day. I loved that feeling.

The only part of the farm I hated was Martha’s brother he was weird. Laura and I always stayed away from him. He carried his shot gun around a lot and he would catch rabbits and put them in brown sacks and tie them up and wait until they suffocated. Laura and I would come and let the rabbits out and he would get so mad. We would run off and laugh.

Unfortunately I sometimes was locked up in a bedroom in the newer house that was built on the same land as the farm. Martha’s brothers lived there and her mom and dad when they were alive. Martha’s sister Kathy lived not to far away with her eight children and her husband. My family would often go over there to visit. I would just sit and wait for them to come back. Jerry the guy with the gun he sexual abused me while I was at home alone. He did that three times and then threatened to kill me if I told anybody about that. Of course I kept silent.

Now as an adult where was my family why didn’t they protect me from this monster. My family never protected me from anything. Years later I told Peter about it and he told my family and of course they did not believe me. Please make sure that if you are ever abused in any way you tell someone. The consequences of abuse is massive and it took years to deal with it all. Even though you move on you never forget. I was about 10 when this happened and I remember shortly after that I developed asthma. Probably from the stress of this and not being able to tell anyone. Years later Peter confronted Jerry about what happened. Hopefully he never did that to another person again. I had no idea what happened to him because I never went back to the farm again. Laura and I hung out at home a lot. My other siblings were all younger than Laura Gina was two years younger than Laura, Roger was the only boy, Danielle and Tiffany was the youngest. Danielle and Tiffany were two and three years old when I left Ireland. I hung out and played with all my siblings but my closest one was Laura.

* The names of the people I used in this story have been changed. *

As a year would come to an end I hoped each year that the next would be better than the year before. Something had to give. Unfortunately I spent 12 years trapped in that hell. That’s a long time to wish something different would happen. Year after year just got blended into one after the other. There are so many years I have no idea what happened. Trauma will do that to you. You just go into survival mode.

I did know I had a mom somewhere in Canada that’s all I knew. My dad would sit me in his knee when I was younger and tell me he took my brother and I to give us a better life. He told me my mom was unstable but having no idea what that meant. I know know what was a bunch of lies and really you took us to gone is a better life is totally crap. This is a better life. You put us both through hell. My mom was not unstable that was a lie to protect yourself. It’s amazing what people will say to protect themselves. I also know that my dad didn’t think what he did was wrong. Kidnapping is not wrong. Makes him look massively unstable. You do not treat any children like how we were treated.

I used to dream that my mom would come find me or I would find her and we would live happily ever after. That did not happen for 12 years but that’s jumping ahead in the story so we will come back to that. One year when my brother was 16 and I was 11 there was a knock at our door and I opened it and there was two police officers standing at the door with a bag filled with clothes and blood. They asked to talk to my parents. I couldn’t hear the conversation but I knew something bad was happening. We were asked to stay at home my sister and I and look after the younger siblings. My step mom and dad left in a huge hurry. That bag was left on the counter and my sister and I looked inside there was a school uniform and one shoe.

I knew it was brothers without been told. I burst into tears and cried a lot. When my step mom and dad came home they were very quiet. I then was told my brother had been in a accident and that a car had hit him. It went through a red light when he was running across the road to catch the bus. He was in intensive care and may not make it. I was stunned and in shock. I remember praying for him and asking God to please not take my brother. He was the only saving grace I had in my family. As I write this tears stream down my face as I still remember those feelings.

My brother was in intensive care for three weeks and he had two broken wrists, arms, a broken leg and many broken ribs. I was finally able to go to the hospital and see him. He was so banged up. I remember feeling so scared but glad that he would be ok. Thank you God for answering my prayers. My brother finally came home and the whole time he was in the hospital my stepmom and dad were very nice to me. I think it scared them that they could have lost him. He came home to recover and my step mom and dad treated him like a king. Slowly they started to treat me like crap again. I would imagine what would happen to me if I got run over by a bus, a train or if I got hit by a car. Would my life be better. What a horrific thing for a child to think so that they would be treated better.

My brother had to have emergency surgery because both of his wrists arms were shattered in the accident. He had tried to stop the accident by putting out his hands. To this day he can’t turn his wrists because of how badly they were damaged. He ended up getting a settlement from the case because witnesses attested that the driver had run a red light and hit my brother. What a year that was. Thank you Lord for saving my brother. After he recovered he graduated at 16 and moved out of the house. That was so hard on me because I hardly saw him and then I felt so alone……