Author: walking in freedom

After a year in Ottawa I came back to my home town to work. I have worked in many different places with different children. One of the biggest reasons I got into childcare was yes I loved children but I would be a voice for them. I would stand in the gap for them no matter what it cost. I would make a difference in the lives of those precious children. In the 35 years as an educator I have spoken out on 5 different occasions from things that needed to stop and when I spoke to the people in charge it continued or was ignored. It’s amazing how many people in this day and age turn a blind eye to what is happening. At one of the centres I had a boss from hell. She was a bully to children and adults and for some reason she targeted me. Every morning she would yell at me to come into her office and I would have to do her paperwork. Then she would make me prepare all these stories for resources. Lots of people were scared of her including the pastor who worked at the church. She yelled at Parents, staff and the children. One day she was outside stuffing a piece of cucumber into a child’s mouth making her eat it and she was gagging. I lost it and went over to her and told her to get away from that child. In front of all the staff and children she freaked out at me and told me to get into her office. I told her no I’m not coming and that’s the last time I do your paperwork do it yourself that’s what you get paid for. She was so livid she left.

After she went home I went to ask the staff and said enough is enough I’m done with her yelling and bullying all of us and that we need to band together as staff and stand up to her. I was shocked how many of them were worried about their jobs. I told them that the loss of their jobs was insignificant at this point. Only one of the gals decided to support me I told them that I would go to the press and the media and that today was the last day this would ever happen again. Later the staff stepped up because I told them how do you sleep at night knowing this is going on. We went to the church board and it was reported and the woman eventually got fired and left.

The other ones I reported were just me but each person went under investigation and each one was fired for what had happened. Even though its really hard to do what I did I had to be a voice for the children. I had to speak out for each one. It was the right thing to do. If I hadn’t spoken up for them that behavior would have continued. I also believe when you cross that line then it’s easier and easier to keep doing it.

For me I set the bar high and if I ever crossed it then I would step away from child care. One thing I heard over and over again in school was if you came from an abusive situation or home that you were more likely to repeat that with children. That horrified me to no end. Nobody in school ever knew where I had come from. When we were asked to recall when we were a child to remember things we did. The generational abuse that happened in my family ended with both my brother and I. We both stopped it. Even though I don’t have children my brother has a son. My nephew just turned 16 and he’s had so much love in his life. I love that guy.

What bothers me is how people use their abuse to take advantage of people and children and then blame it on their past. You have all read about my past and it was really horrific but I have never ever justified what happened to me as a child to turn around and do it to others. I’ve worked so hard on myself to be a better person and have had lots of support in my life. I have made a difference in the lives of others and will continue to do that everyday. Will you stand in the gap for people today and stand on bullying?

Wednesday February 23rd is anti bullying day in Canada. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart. We will wear pink and be reminded that there is zero tolerance for bullying. I know full well what is like to be a person who has been bullied much of their life. I no longer have to fear that but can stand strongly against it. 💗

As I said in my previous post I lived in Ottawa for a year while I completed my schooling. Ottawa is the capital of Canada and you all probably have seen it in the news lately. It’s a really neat city. It was hard to get used to it being completely flat. Here on the West Coast we are surrounded by mountains.” The Rideau River drains an area of over 4,000 square kilometres of Eastern Ontario. The main stem of the river flows in a northerly direction from Upper Rideau Lake near Newboro to the City of Ottawa where it tumbles over Rideau Falls into the Ottawa River”. (Taken from Wikipedia) The river runs through many parts of Ottawa. I originally stayed with David Anderson he was a MP  in my city and his wife and they lived in the higher end of Ottawa. I had to take the bus to school so everyday I got to walk through downtown Ottawa. It’s a beautiful city.

Being from Ireland and then Victoria I was not used to the winters. That was like a culture shock I had to budget from my student loan for winter clothing a heavy jacket and boots. My first practicum I loved it so much it was nearby where I lived. It was a French /English daycare but mostly French. All the educators spoke French and a lot of the children did as well. I didn’t speak French but I loved the children and almost all the children spoke both languages. I Remember this little French boy as I struggled to do circle time. He came up to me he was four and told me that he would help me speak French. I spoke English and he translated it into French. That totally blew me away. I fit in there so well and I was like a sub for them because I had worked in the field before. I did extremely well in my practicum and was sad to say goodbye to them.

My second practicum was at the college but nobody wanted to work there because it was known as the fish bowl because the Daycare was surrounded by observation rooms for students to observe. I loved it because like I told people if your doing your job who do you care who is watching you. I got to do a pilot project. I loved it because I got to use a lot of communication skills. One day the staff sent me out with this ice picking tool to clear the paths so the kids could ride their bikes. I headed out no idea how to use this tool let alone seem one. A staff member came and laughed at me and showed me how to chip at the ice. It was amazing. From then on I was teased by them for haying no idea how to chip ice. Again I did exceptionally well and passed with flying colors.

One of the teachers I got on well with her she told me that she wanted to send me to a Head start program and that I may feel like I wanted to quit but I needed to come and talk to her. It would be hard and difficult but she had worked there before teaching. I remember the Preschool was right in the middle of a whole bunch of homes that all looked the same. I walked through having no idea what a Head Start program was. It’s a program for low income families where they promote cognitive, social and emotional development.

Before the program started we went around the neighbourhood with a bus and picked up each child. I was told to sit beside a certain child and I had to make sure all the children stayed seated while the bus was moving. Not one adult I saw just kids waiting outside their doors for the bus. The child I had to sit beside was super physical and tried to bite me many times and kick me. The child sat as close to the window as he could. I spoke quietly to him but he totally ignored me. He tired many times to Jump over me to get out of his seat. It was just me and the bus driver. The children all came into the Preschool and I will never forget what I saw. They had a breakfast program and some of those children ate the whole entire time of preschool. Apparently that was the last meal they had was when they came the previous day. The children had no idea how to play they would go into housekeeping and with their arm clear out all the shelves and dump everything on the ground. Outside they would try and kick me and bite if I got too close to them. At the end of Preschool we dropped them back off at home again not a soul to greet them. I left the Preschool weeping. It effected me so much.

I went back to my teacher and told her that I couldn’t work there it was too much and how could I make a difference. I never forgot what she said to me. Sarah the time you are at the Preschool you make it the best time for those children. You can’t control what happens when they leave there but you can control the time they come. That’s your time. I went the next day picked up all the children and came back to Preschool. I went into the housekeeping corner and I set up a bunch of dishes on the table with food and cups and tea and I sat there and offered the children to come and join me. Not one person came so I put teddy bears and dolls in the chairs and always left one open. Every day for a week I set up the same thing. The children watched from afar. On the Friday a boy came and joined me for my pretend tea party. From then on I set it up and the children came themselves and sat and had pretend tea parties. My heart soared. I am smiling now as I remember that. The children softened as they began to trust me. They just needed someone to be there for them. They had no idea how to play so I was modelling that to them. Apparently many of them hid in their homes while their families fought with each other. Hunger was huge and good was so important to them. This reminded me where I had come from and how little I trusted adults. They just needed time and patience and love. They needed someone who would love them just where they were. No expectations and praise they loved that and I noticed the more I praised them the more they did what they needed to do. I often had a bunch of them surrounding me.

I have never forgotten what Kathy told me about making the space for the children to be the best it can be for them. I was so sad when my practicum ended and the children cried when I left and the staff told me if I ever wanted a job there they would love to have me. I made a difference that’s all that matters in anything we do. I know my experience at the Head Start Preschool shaped me into the educator I am today. For that I’m eternally grateful. ❤️

When I finally decided to have a relationship there’s much I know now that I didn’t know back in my 20’s. Having attachment issues complicates relationships even more. My first boyfriend was a couple of years of an unhealthy relationship. Looking back now no idea when I was in it. My boyfriend came from a very strict religious family nobody in his life was good enough. He never told them about me. I spent all my time with him and left my friends in the dust. I wish I had waited until marriage but had a sexual relationship to top it off. That complicates things even more. So many unhealthy things and we both claimed to be Christians. How can you have a healthy relationship when two people have no idea how to make it healthy. We both went to the same church and hung out with the same people. After a year and a half of dating he asked me to marry him and I said no. It seemed like he only asked me because he got moved in his job to Ottawa.

I had a chance to go to Ottawa and do a nanny job and go to school and complete my diploma in Early Childhood Education. I decided to see where that would leave us in our relationship. I had free room and board as long as I looked after the two children in the home I lived it. I loved school in Ottawa and it’s such a beautiful city. I loved school and did really well there because I had worked out in the field for a year. A lot of people in my class where jealous of me because I had experience and they had none. I got to do pilot projects and had awesome practicums which I will save for another blog.

After a semester of school the people who I was helping with their children let me go as they wanted me to miss to much school. I got home from school one day to find all my belongings outside the front door asking me to never see the kids again or come back. Thank goodness my boyfriend had a two bedroom apartment so I moved into his place. After a couple of months he broke up with me and said I could stay until I went back to Victoria where I lived. Thank goodness I had school and friends I had made as it was horrible living with him after we broke up. Obviously marriage wouldn’t have worked. I was not upset and glad to be out of the dysfunctional relationship.

Today being Valentine’s Day today is just a normal day for me. I posted on my Facebook this morning that we should love people all year round. I’m super happy and content in my life and so glad I have many awesome great friends. I love my life the way it is now. ❤️

Growing up in Ireland I used to go to a Christian camp every summer for a few years. I loved it there a place that was safe and I got to learn about God and Jesus. I felt so changed and happy there but everytime I came home after a couple of weeks the darkness would creep back into my life again and I would lose hope that there was a God. I loved camp because it was a week out of the hell of my home friends I got to see each year, tuck shop time, swimming and being able to have as much freedom as I wanted. When I was in high school the people I hung out with went to church and invited me to Youth group and I loved it again. We did really fun things. There was a retreat for youth up at Camp Quanoes and I went and one of the nights one of the guys I knew was playing his guitar and when it was time to come forward I did and committed my life to Jesus. The reason I stayed with it this time was my friends and my youth group. My family are not Christians.

Like anything else in my life my walk with God was bumpy and I’ve been through many trials but at least this time I knew God was with me. He’s done amazing things in my life. I was healed from alcoholism, healed from the trauma’s in my life, seen Him do miracles in people’s lives that should have been dead. 9 months ago when one of my friends at church lost her husband. It was so hard on many of us. The day he died my friend Lici had a brain anurusum with a two massive clots on her brain the size of a lemon and an orange. She started to bleed out and was in a coma for two weeks. This is a woman I know really well and she’s super special to me. Lots of people all around the world were praying for her. The longer she was in her coma the less likely she would survive. She woke up and the progress she’s made in 9 months can only be known as a miracle. She should be dead and when she left the hospital the doctors told her she will have full recovery. I’ve seen amazing things with God and then others He took home that have been really hard. My friend at church grieves her husband everyday. I hate that for her so much.

My faith is strong now but it’s taken a long time to get here. As I continue with my memoirs I will touch on who I am today because of God. I would not be here today if it was not for Him and what’s He’s done in my life. I love Him with all my heart and soul. I know not everyone believes in Him. I couldn’t imagine my life with Him. He is what gives me strength to go through tough trials and He helped me survive that horrific truama I went through as a child. How else could anyone survive that?

Finding out that I was so behind in all my subjects especially English was good for me to realize that I was not dumb or stupid. After been told that your whole life you start to think maybe it’s true. My high school was awesome and gave me lots of extra help and my teachers were great. I still struggled socially but at least the teasing and bullying stopped so I could relax a bit at school. I made friends and many of them I still keep in touch with today. In two years I caught up to college level which is amazing. I actually was smart. Cool who knew. My brain needed to be challenged and it was indeed.

In 1988 I graduated from high school which was a miracle with all that I had been through. It took a lot of hard work but I never gave up and had a lot of support. After I graduated from high school I went back to Ireland to spend some time with my dad, step mom and my half brother and sisters. Despite what had happened I had missed my siblings so much. I hardly got to say goodbye to them. I had strong relationships with the oldest ones Laura was like my best friend and Lily. We went on another camping trip to the ring of Kerry. It was so nice to be treated like one of the family. I had been worried about returning what would it be like and how would I be treated.

I spent three weeks with them. I also got to see my best friend from school Karen who had missed me terribly. She had left the only school we knew and went to a different school. I had been a huge loss in her life. Things were different when I went home to visit but I was different and it was nice to visit. Even though I had missed them terribly I knew my home was in Canada with my mom. When I left to come back to Canada in 1988 that was the last time I saw my family. I’ve never gone back.

In the September of that year I enrolled in College and took an English course and then I started my Early Childhood Course. I decided to take that course because I wanted to be a voice for children. A voice that Spoke up to protect them. Someone who noticed that if things were wrong at home to speak out. Not one person ever spoke out for me even when there were huge warning signs something was wrong. I still stand of that today. I’ve stood out and up for many children when others refused to. I became an advocate for those who can’t speak out for themselves.

I struggled in my ECE course and could just about figure out class things but had the hardest time putting into practice what I had learned. My first practicum I was lost and super overwhelmed and ended up failing it and to my horror watched my whole graduation class graduate without me. What a failure I felt? I was super depressed. I got fairly good marks in my courses but had no idea how to do it practically.

I finished all my courses but would have to come back and just do practicum the following year. I joined the next year but they had no idea who I was. I worked in a job in child care and then joined them for two practicums and did amazingly well. I just needed more time to perfect it all. I graduated that following and I had gained that confidence that I needed. Success finally. I got a good job and for my second year of ECE I had worked out in the field I had a Chance to go to Ottawa and take my two specialities under three’s and my special needs diploma.

That was an awesome opportunity because I had an advantage because I had already worked in the field. I got opportunities nobody else in my class got. I will write about the two practicums I had in Ottawa because they shaped me into who I am today. I realized that I just needed more time and because I was held back I’m now an awesome outgoing and confident educator. I’ve had many experiences and done a lot of different things in my work. I will write more in my next blog.

We all learn at different rates some of us may need more time but In the end we can do what we need to do. Not everyone learns the same way. I see this in school with children. Patience and understanding is crucial. I’m so glad I had that and amazing support. Thank you to all my teachers. 🙂

A guy I knew through his photography passed away from cancer this past Monday. I’m devestated by his death. I had noticed that he had stopped putting up photos on his Facebook page and wondered if he was ok. Then January 6th he posted that he had been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer a couple of months before that. I was shocked and I know how hard kidney cancer is. He said he was getting out of hospice and was feeling better and was optimistic. I started praying for him and it sounded like there was a glimmer of hope. A friend of his organized a go fund me page so that when Dave felt better he could still go out and take his photographs. In a week all the money plus more was raised so that his truck could be purchased.

Last week I felt this urgency to pray for him so I did and he had many praying. Tuesday morning I work up and found out Dave had passed away Monday night. He had, had many strokes and his body gave out. I’m so sad. Dave was an awesome man who loved nature and adventure. I got to know Dave through his exceptional photography of my favorite place in the world. The high desert in Bend, Oregon. The 3 sisters mountains are so Beautiful. Everywhere you go in Bend those beautiful mountains loom in the background. Sometimes they are covered in clouds or fog but most days they are so clear in the distance. The high desert has some of the most beautiful scenery. It’s so different in so many ways. In many of the photos I will post you will see Juniper trees all twisted in different ways and Sage bushes. They grow all over the high desert. Five years ago I found Dave on Facebook and we often chatted about the scenery. He would comment on my comments of his photos. Seeing as he lived in Central Oregon I had asked him if he knew about Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch my favorite ranch. He knew where it was yes because he was a sanitation worker and had picked up garbage from the ranch. I told him he needed to visit. He photographed many of my favorite spots in Oregon.

Dave loved to get up really early in the morning to capture that photo and he loved sunrises and sunsets. He’d get to just the right spot to capture that amazing photo before others came. He loved finding new places to capture. His photography captured my heart all those years ago and still to this day. You can view his work at Dave White Photography on Facebook and some of his prints are for sale. All the money for his truck went to help with his medical bills and for his memorial and his celebration of life. I brought two of my favorite prints of his to honor this wonderful man. I will miss our chats and seeing the places and adventures he went on. He will be missed by many. I do know God put Dave in my life for a reason and I do know I will see him again. Dave you were one of a kind and I’m honoured to have known you for the time I did. Dave loved that I wanted to share his photos on my blog. I’m so glad you don’t have to suffer anymore. Your photographys will live on in your legacy. ❤️🙂

After being healed from alcoholism I know know if you don’t deal with why you drank you can easily get caught up in other addictions. Addiction is numbing out feelings and I already had become really good at that. Yes I didn’t drink anymore but I still carried all the pain, hurt, anger, unforgiveness, and was still running from my past. It seemed like the harder I ran the tougher life became. I still had depression and still found life really hard to deal with. I often got overwhelmed and shut down. Any habit that you have and you don’t deal with it with can turn into an addiction. I had a intimacy disorder from attachment issues that started from when my dad took me from my mom at a year and a half old. I had serious trust issues because everyone I loved hurt me in some way or another. I learned that love always came at a price. It was so hard to love anybody and what I thought was love was not. Don’t get me wrong my mom and stepdad loved me but I had no idea how to love back. My family loved me my grandparents but love was so confusing to me.

I still needed to numb out feelings I didn’t know how to deal with and one addiction replaced another one. I again sought out counselling from a Christian lady who helped me so much and today I’m free of that addiction. I realized that I had deep rooted unforgiveness in my heart. I hated my dad and stepmom for what they had done to me. That hate consumed my life for years and years. Finally I asked God to show me why I kept failing in my addiction. I used blame as a tool to keep me in bondage. One day brushing my teeth God showed me that the root to my addiction was unforgiveness.

On a trip to Bend, Oregon to visit Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch I had an opportunity to go for a walk with one of the founders of the ranch. Her and I have become good friends. I had gone to Oregon at Christmas time and the day we walked in the wilderness it was a day when the sun was out. It beat on our faces as we walked. At one stage we stopped and we knelt down in the dust and prayed. God showed me where He had been with me when I was locked in my bedroom and I called out to Him to help me. I saw him He was standing behind me and He was holding me when I was scared and alone. We prayed more and with tears streaming down my cheeks I forgave my dad and stepmom for all the pain and abuse I had endure all those years. Forgiveness is not a free pass to those who hurt me but a way for me to be freed up from that pain I carried everyday of my life. It was a release and I realized that day was the last day that they ever could hurt me again.

I had forgotten that I was out in the Wilderness with my friend. I forgave myself as well for that hate I carried in my life for so long not knowing what to do with it. It was not my fault. I was reminded that day that I am so loved and that God was standing beside me everyday and that is how I was able to survive. I’m almost 5 years free of that addiction. It went away because I dealt with the root of it. I now live life to its fullest because everyday is precious. I follow my passions and live life in freedom and redemption. This is why my blog is called Beauty from Ashes. Even though forgiveness was so hard for me to do it was the best thing I’ve ever done. That love grew in my heart and its not stopped growing.

AA works for many people around the world so I’m not saying that people should not go. AA just didn’t work for me. Everyone can choose their higher power but for me mine is God. For so many its a rock or a tree or something else. I could not have stopped drinking if God was not in my life. It’s tough though when your caught in addiction and you do things that you would often not do when you were sober. As I said before I tried to stop drinking many times but well addicts know you don’t just stop or you can’t on your own. I lived a triple life for so long then the cracks in my life started and I couldn’t hold my life together anymore. I had to go to an anger management course through work which was very eye opening. Almost all the woman in it had been mandated to take the course through the courts. You had to go everyday it was on and if you missed any of you you failed. There were some hard core people in there who had been in jail. I was scared and kept my head down. One day a lady came and talked to us about a program for people addicted to alcohol. They only problem with it was it was only offered during the day and so I could only go to one class because I was going back to work. I remember the lady raising her voice at me and telling me unless I was serious about my addiction I would never get better.

I only went that once and I have to tell you that the woman that were waiting to go into the program were really rough looking. Obviously had been drinking for a long time. I realized that if I didn’t stop that I too would look like that as well one day. That scared me so much. My family found me a lady who did counseling for addictions and I worked really hard with her. No matter what I did I could never stay sober. I felt lost and hopeless and when I used to feel good drinking I no longer felt like that. I felt stressed so much and felt awful. I felt such shame and I hated myself.

I was at a cross road in my faith as I begged God to help me or kill me. I fell into deep depression and I stopped caring about anything. I had amazing friends who thank God would check on me and try and help. I was at a crossroads in my faith and a friend of mine invited me to a bible study which I did not want to go to. I said I’d go for a month and after that I was leaving my faith. I was done. There obviously was no God and where was he when I called out to him. I counted down the weeks of the study. Before the last time I prayed one last prayer for a crazy thing. I asked God if He was real to have the guy who ran the Bible study to bring a big stack of reference books as he only ever brought his bible to the study.

I arrived at the study and the guy was not there and he came really late and as I was thinking to myself yup there’s no God. He walked in with a big stack of reference books. My mouth dropped and I was shocked. I knew that was a sign that I needed to still rely on God. The guy who ran the bible study helped me with ministry and during that time God showed me what was blocking me from stopping drinking. God took that desire of drinking from me and over 25 years I’ve never had that desire to drink again.

God healed me of my addiction to alcoholism and from that day forward I told God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do. Miracles do happen and I’m so very grateful that He healed me that day. I had to work really hard on loving myself and to not feel shame when things were hard. I never drank again but those feelings that drove me to drink would come up. Abandonment, rejection were huge triggers for me. I continued counseling to work on feelings and for a long time because I had numbed out feelings I would panic but I had to just sit in those feelings. My flight would kick in. I realize now feelings won’t kill you.

If your struggling with addiction of any kind there is help out there. There are many good programs for people. You have to find out what fits for you. A good support system is also good. A good counsellor was key for me to talk about what is happening. I’m so Thankful and blessed for life. I make sure that I don’t ever take it for granted. 🙂

One of the reasons I got caught into alcoholism was because of remembering the awful things that had happened to me. I lived in hell for 12 years and then when I got out of that and moved to Canada and got away from that nightmare. The nightmare appeared in other ways. My mom knew what something was wrong but had no idea what it was. I reacted to things as I was very sensitive and I was jumpy all the time. One day I was downtown meeting my mom at her store and a car back fired in the distance and I jumped and freaked out and I was at a cross walk and all these people were looking at me weirdly. Loud noises freaked me out and they still do. I was always super heightened if people were around me.

After being out of that abusive environment I kept thinking I saw my dad and stepmom downtown and they were coming to get me to take me back. I would see someone who liked like my dad and I would be so overcome with fear that my mind would go blank and had no idea what had happened. I would lose time but had no idea why. The nightmares were the worst where I would wake up sweating or screaming. They seemed so real.

My mom sent me to counseling to see if talking about it would help. I went to see this really nice lady. I hated talking about what had happened to me especially about the abuse. This counselor helped me with many things including trying to get me sober from alcohol. I went to a woman’s group for AA, but had a really hard time figuring out how I fit in there. The people were nice and I got a sponsor but being the only Christian in there I couldn’t relate to what was being said. My mom started coming to counseling with me and I will never forget the look and how she felt when she heard how my brother and I were treated in Ireland.

All she wanted to know was if my dad had taken us that he at least looked after us. I can’t imagine the shock and horror she felt when she knew. Now it would take years and years even a lifetime to get over such trauma. One thing I know is that you never forgot what you’ve been through but there is freedom and redemption eventually. I’m not sure how many years I went to see this first lady. I feel healing is in layers so different people help in different stages of my life. I’m grateful for this lady and still keep in touch with her. Thank you for helping me in my journey MB. ❤️

As you read before I was incredibly shy so my mom knew the man who owned a McDonalds near my home. I had to go in as a work student. My family were hoping that it would give me confidence. McDonald’s is a great first place to work and yes they teach you many skills. My first day there I was petrified and of course they want to train me on cash and customer service. The lady who trained me told me I need to yell down to get people’s attention that I was open. I just had no idea. To top it off I had to talk to the people and get their orders. It was so over my head. I liked making salads and burgers and I disliked making fries because when I was on that station it was always busy. After I got the hang of everything except drivethrough that terrified me even more. You got pins and prizes for doing well in breakfast, lunch and dinner rushes. I was taught about customer service and how to handle food. I was taught a lot of great skills that I could take out into the world and use. You work hard at McDonald’s and you learn responsibility.

The people who worked at McDonald’s became my friends and we started to hang together. I met three sisters who worked there. I become close with them and hung out lots with them and their dad. A lot of the manager’s there and staff liked to go out and party so I would go with them. Of course I was a nervous wreak when we went out. Terrified and so awkward. I loved going out with the crew and that’s where I had my first drink was at a nightclub. I realized that drinking gave me liquid courage and so I drank everytime we went out. During that time I had been having terrible nightmares and would wake up terrified. I kept thinking I was setting my dad and step mom and they were coming to get me back. I refused to sleep so going out and partying suited me fine because then I didn’t have those nightmares. I seemed to have them often. They haunted me night and day. I tried so hard to keep ahead of them and for many years I could. I ran and ran and ran.

Unfortunately though one drink turned into two and three and then after a while it was never enough to block out the feelings. I would drink so much and not remember anything. I realize now that I’m very grateful for Dena and God to protect me from what my drinking could have done to me and others. After going out every night for a year I realized long before that, that I was addicted to alcohol. I tried to stop but I couldn’t. For three years I drank, worked and went to church. I lived the triple life. At the beginning it was easy to juggle all your lives until you couldn’t. I will write more about that later.

McDonald’s served me well and it helped me pay for my first year in college. I needed more in my life and I was starting full time school that September. I did work the occasional weekends but then it was too hard with school. I still keep in touch with those I worked with. I left the world of McDonald’s and the partying world. Instead I joined a church.