Beauty from Ashes.

AA works for many people around the world so I’m not saying that people should not go. AA just didn’t work for me. Everyone can choose their higher power but for me mine is God. For so many its a rock or a tree or something else. I could not have stopped drinking if God was not in my life. It’s tough though when your caught in addiction and you do things that you would often not do when you were sober. As I said before I tried to stop drinking many times but well addicts know you don’t just stop or you can’t on your own. I lived a triple life for so long then the cracks in my life started and I couldn’t hold my life together anymore. I had to go to an anger management course through work which was very eye opening. Almost all the woman in it had been mandated to take the course through the courts. You had to go everyday it was on and if you missed any of you you failed. There were some hard core people in there who had been in jail. I was scared and kept my head down. One day a lady came and talked to us about a program for people addicted to alcohol. They only problem with it was it was only offered during the day and so I could only go to one class because I was going back to work. I remember the lady raising her voice at me and telling me unless I was serious about my addiction I would never get better.

I only went that once and I have to tell you that the woman that were waiting to go into the program were really rough looking. Obviously had been drinking for a long time. I realized that if I didn’t stop that I too would look like that as well one day. That scared me so much. My family found me a lady who did counseling for addictions and I worked really hard with her. No matter what I did I could never stay sober. I felt lost and hopeless and when I used to feel good drinking I no longer felt like that. I felt stressed so much and felt awful. I felt such shame and I hated myself.

I was at a cross road in my faith as I begged God to help me or kill me. I fell into deep depression and I stopped caring about anything. I had amazing friends who thank God would check on me and try and help. I was at a crossroads in my faith and a friend of mine invited me to a bible study which I did not want to go to. I said I’d go for a month and after that I was leaving my faith. I was done. There obviously was no God and where was he when I called out to him. I counted down the weeks of the study. Before the last time I prayed one last prayer for a crazy thing. I asked God if He was real to have the guy who ran the Bible study to bring a big stack of reference books as he only ever brought his bible to the study.

I arrived at the study and the guy was not there and he came really late and as I was thinking to myself yup there’s no God. He walked in with a big stack of reference books. My mouth dropped and I was shocked. I knew that was a sign that I needed to still rely on God. The guy who ran the bible study helped me with ministry and during that time God showed me what was blocking me from stopping drinking. God took that desire of drinking from me and over 25 years I’ve never had that desire to drink again.

God healed me of my addiction to alcoholism and from that day forward I told God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do. Miracles do happen and I’m so very grateful that He healed me that day. I had to work really hard on loving myself and to not feel shame when things were hard. I never drank again but those feelings that drove me to drink would come up. Abandonment, rejection were huge triggers for me. I continued counseling to work on feelings and for a long time because I had numbed out feelings I would panic but I had to just sit in those feelings. My flight would kick in. I realize now feelings won’t kill you.

If your struggling with addiction of any kind there is help out there. There are many good programs for people. You have to find out what fits for you. A good support system is also good. A good counsellor was key for me to talk about what is happening. I’m so Thankful and blessed for life. I make sure that I don’t ever take it for granted. 🙂

One of the reasons I got caught into alcoholism was because of remembering the awful things that had happened to me. I lived in hell for 12 years and then when I got out of that and moved to Canada and got away from that nightmare. The nightmare appeared in other ways. My mom knew what something was wrong but had no idea what it was. I reacted to things as I was very sensitive and I was jumpy all the time. One day I was downtown meeting my mom at her store and a car back fired in the distance and I jumped and freaked out and I was at a cross walk and all these people were looking at me weirdly. Loud noises freaked me out and they still do. I was always super heightened if people were around me.

After being out of that abusive environment I kept thinking I saw my dad and stepmom downtown and they were coming to get me to take me back. I would see someone who liked like my dad and I would be so overcome with fear that my mind would go blank and had no idea what had happened. I would lose time but had no idea why. The nightmares were the worst where I would wake up sweating or screaming. They seemed so real.

My mom sent me to counseling to see if talking about it would help. I went to see this really nice lady. I hated talking about what had happened to me especially about the abuse. This counselor helped me with many things including trying to get me sober from alcohol. I went to a woman’s group for AA, but had a really hard time figuring out how I fit in there. The people were nice and I got a sponsor but being the only Christian in there I couldn’t relate to what was being said. My mom started coming to counseling with me and I will never forget the look and how she felt when she heard how my brother and I were treated in Ireland.

All she wanted to know was if my dad had taken us that he at least looked after us. I can’t imagine the shock and horror she felt when she knew. Now it would take years and years even a lifetime to get over such trauma. One thing I know is that you never forgot what you’ve been through but there is freedom and redemption eventually. I’m not sure how many years I went to see this first lady. I feel healing is in layers so different people help in different stages of my life. I’m grateful for this lady and still keep in touch with her. Thank you for helping me in my journey MB. ❤️

As you read before I was incredibly shy so my mom knew the man who owned a McDonalds near my home. I had to go in as a work student. My family were hoping that it would give me confidence. McDonald’s is a great first place to work and yes they teach you many skills. My first day there I was petrified and of course they want to train me on cash and customer service. The lady who trained me told me I need to yell down to get people’s attention that I was open. I just had no idea. To top it off I had to talk to the people and get their orders. It was so over my head. I liked making salads and burgers and I disliked making fries because when I was on that station it was always busy. After I got the hang of everything except drivethrough that terrified me even more. You got pins and prizes for doing well in breakfast, lunch and dinner rushes. I was taught about customer service and how to handle food. I was taught a lot of great skills that I could take out into the world and use. You work hard at McDonald’s and you learn responsibility.

The people who worked at McDonald’s became my friends and we started to hang together. I met three sisters who worked there. I become close with them and hung out lots with them and their dad. A lot of the manager’s there and staff liked to go out and party so I would go with them. Of course I was a nervous wreak when we went out. Terrified and so awkward. I loved going out with the crew and that’s where I had my first drink was at a nightclub. I realized that drinking gave me liquid courage and so I drank everytime we went out. During that time I had been having terrible nightmares and would wake up terrified. I kept thinking I was setting my dad and step mom and they were coming to get me back. I refused to sleep so going out and partying suited me fine because then I didn’t have those nightmares. I seemed to have them often. They haunted me night and day. I tried so hard to keep ahead of them and for many years I could. I ran and ran and ran.

Unfortunately though one drink turned into two and three and then after a while it was never enough to block out the feelings. I would drink so much and not remember anything. I realize now that I’m very grateful for Dena and God to protect me from what my drinking could have done to me and others. After going out every night for a year I realized long before that, that I was addicted to alcohol. I tried to stop but I couldn’t. For three years I drank, worked and went to church. I lived the triple life. At the beginning it was easy to juggle all your lives until you couldn’t. I will write more about that later.

McDonald’s served me well and it helped me pay for my first year in college. I needed more in my life and I was starting full time school that September. I did work the occasional weekends but then it was too hard with school. I still keep in touch with those I worked with. I left the world of McDonald’s and the partying world. Instead I joined a church.

As soon as they found out in school I was really behind the school I went to was awesome and helped me with extra help and I went to the READS SOCIETY which is a place where you can get extra help with English and Math. In two years I pulled up all my grades enough to be able to graduate with my friends. I always thought I was Dumb because I Constantly heard I was dumb or stupid or I would never amount to anything. What we all realized was my Brain was never challenged so I needed to almost wake it up. I also found out I was dyslexic so things people saw one way I see them the opposite way. Over all the years I had to figure how to do things differently. I did find recently at school I was stumped on something my teacher asked me to help the children with. I could not do it and now instead of feeling stupid or dumb I just told her that with dyslexia I couldn’t figure it out. She was very gracious and showed me how it worked and then I understood.

Learning disabilities are nothing to be ashamed of and now working at school I understand a lot of what children go through. If you don’t have that support it’s the most frustrating thing ever. I acted out because nobody ever helped me until I came to Canada. I realized I loved learning and that I was smart. Boy does that every make your self esteem soar. I also can reconize trauma in children and know how to help them. Being there myself I reconize the signs. Trust is the biggest thing gaining it. I often see anger and even though the child really wants to be close they push you away before you could do that to them even if you never did that.

I was so awkward as a teenager and because things were so different for me culturally. It was like I had come from another planet and was plonked here. As you’ve heard me say before it didn’t seem to matter what had happened to me. I was expected to just pick up and carry on in a new country. How do you do that? I became withdrawn as I felt overwhelmed so much and I left my only life. How do you fit in society and I hated it. The kids at school made fun of me all the time and there was one guy who was like the ring leader and he teased me mercilessly.

In Grade 11 one of the expectations was we went on a camping canoeing trip. I had never even been canoeing let alone out camping with other kids. It was one of the hardest things I did I’m not even sure I saw much of anything on the trip. The adults camped on the other side of us and this guy and his friends picked on me so much and everybody laughed. He thought it was funny to zip me in my sleeping bag and not let me out. After the trip the picking on me became unbearable a whole new level. I started skipping school and I had an amazing counsellor at school who I remember brought me into his office to ask me why I was missing so much school. I told him I hated school and didn’t want to rat out the guys that were picking on me so much. Mr. Lundeen he knew something was wrong and when I finally told him. He was livid he jumped up out of his chair and told me to stay where I was. He called that boy into his office along with the principal and told this guy if he ever made fun of me or any of his friends he would make sure charges would be pressed on him for sexual harassment.

I had no idea what’s what they were doing because nobody ever stuck up for me like that. He often checked on me and those guys never bothered me again in fact some of them Became quite protected of me. The nice thing about even back then there is zero tolerance here in schools for bullying. I love that because it protects us who are vulnerable. I can spot children that are being bullyed out on the playground. You can tell how they feel and their faces. I’m a huge advocate for those children because you feel so helpless. Children can be so cruel.

I did indeed graduate with my class which was good and I passed all my classes except for my English 12 but I was able to do it in College so that I could later enroll in my Early Childhood Education program.

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Dave White is the photographer that I use many of his photos on my blog. I recently found out that he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and now I see he won’t be able to do his job anymore and will have to go on disability. His life and passion are taking his photos. He’s really good at it. I have never met him but I have communicated with him and he knows Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. He’s been there and his photos help me when I can’t get to Oregon. There’s something about this guy I have felt from day one. His heart is huge and he’s got amazing passion. I’ve been praying for him and I wanted to share what his friend Bruce is doing for him. There is a lot of people impacted by this man. I’m not asking for money but if you feel led to give you can. I love how God brings people into our lives and it makes me cherish life as we never know what can or will happen. Thank you. ❤️

Check out Dave’s photography page it’s on Facebook Dave White Photography.

I went back to Ireland after my two month visit with my mom. I needed to go back to what I knew and I missed my siblings a lot. To me now that’s crazy thinking but even though my life was full of abuse at least I knew what was happening. It was the only life I knew. When I arrived home in a couple of weeks I would go back to school. I loved school it was my freedom but also I’d been in school with the same people for a long time. They were my life line. My dad shattered my life with what he had to tell me. He told me that since I was failing school. I was not going to go back instead I had to get a job and move out of their home or I could go and live with my mom in Canada. I’ve just finished grade 9 and I’m failing and I’m so shy of my own shadow and my maturity level is low because of how I’ve been brought up. Now I’m going to have to move out of the only home I know and get a job. I was devestated and shocked. How could he do that to me? How could he just throw his daughter away? I knew the only choice I had was to see if I Could go and live with my mom.

I realized at that time I did not fit into my home at all and I didn’t fit in with my mom in Canada. I had no choice I phoned my mom and asked her if I could come and live with her and Ben. She said yes of course and then everything happened so fast. I had to be enrolled in school so it was quick that I left the only family I knew. I had to leave all my friends at school. I at least was able to say goodbye to Karen but it was quick. Bless her heart my leaving devestated her. There was no proper explanation and it wasn’t until years later she came to visit me and was horrified why I told her. She was told that my mom wanted me and I moved there. In two weeks I said goodbye to the only life I had. My siblings were 2,3,7,9&10. I had no idea if I would ever see them again.

In a whirlwind I arrived to Canada with my one suitcase and I got enrolled into the nearby high school. The principal asked me questions about my schooling but no papers had arrived. School in Canada was so different to what I was used to. In Ireland your grades were based on how well you did so there was the year you were in and you were spilt into 4 classes. A for A students, B, C and D. I was in the D class and there were no expectations for you. In Canada everybody was in the same year and you took most of your classes with everyone else.

I was lost from day one no idea how to function in class let alone with all these strange students. I got picked on because I looked and acted so differently from them. The first time I spoke I asked someone to borrow their rubber which in Ireland is an eraser. The kids laughed so hard. From then on I decided I better learn the Canadian lingo and stopped speaking. The kids were horrible and cruel to me and picked on me so much. I grew to hate school. I was so alone and I got in nowhere. I was a misfit. I begged my mom to take me out of school. Not only was it a culture shock to me I had no idea what I was doing in school. I was failing everything. My mom and stepfather started to have lots of meetings at school about me. School realized something was up and the school physiologist came and gave me tests. He had his flipping chart and I could not make it past the second page. Turns out I was in Grade 10 at a Grade 4 level in English and most of my subjects.

I will continue on my next blog what happened next.

I’ve not written in a bit because I’m sick right now and trying to get my head around writing was not happening. I also needed a bit of time out from my memoirs. They triggered me and brought up a lot of feelings. I’m feeling better about that after talking it out with Joan. I’m not sure I have ever talked about how that time made me feel. It brought up painful Sad memories for me. I will continue on through God’s strength not my own.

As I’m sitting here today I’m reflecting on God’s many blessings in my life. I have so many. Today I called the ranch. Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch in Oregon. It’s my home away from home. Some of my best friends I’ve had either have worked there or work there now. The founders Kim and Troy Meeder are dear to my heart. Kim I’ve gotten to know on my many trips has a beautiful soul for Jesus. She has many podcasts and can often be heard on Focus on the Family. You want to hear an amazing testimony she’s got one. Those who know me well know Crystal Peaks is my refuge. When I go to the ranch the peace I find on it is nothing like I’ve ever experienced. God is all around through the people, the horses and the scenery. When I stand up at the top of the ranch by the cross you can see the whole entire world up there. It’s glorious up there. The three sisters mountains often loom over the scenery. Often are covered in snow. I have a wooden plaque in my kitchen with those mountains on them. They are spectacular.

As soon as I get off the plane and step out onto the pavement the peace that surrounds me is delightful and I know I’m home. It’s been two and a half years since I was last there. I went for my 50th birthday. I have many friends who live here and I stay with them. Their homes are like my homes. Everywhere you drive in Bend you see these glorious mountains. The last time I was at the ranch Tim, Rachel and I went 4x4ing in Tim’s rental truck on the back trails behind the 3sisters. Wow it was awesome and amazing and we saw amazing things including the sun set. We wanted to get as close to the Mountains as we could. That was a fun day.

I’m so blessed for knowing all the people I do and for all my friends who are like my second family. The high desert is my happy place. I’m the summer it’s blazing hot in the high desert something I’m not used to. One of my favorite things to do is go to Sutle tea in Sisters and hang out with my friends. They got the best cold teas. Sisters is an awesome little town with great shops and awesome restaurants.

When I go to ranch I always make sure I volunteer there. There’s nothing better then scooping poop with young people, gardening with young and older people, picking weeds, gardening or whatever else needs doing. I’ve met some of the nicest families there who bring their children to ride and while they wait they come and volunteer at the ranch. It’s an amazing place for everyone to come to. There is a store with souvenirs from the ranch. That’s why I was calling the ranch yesterday. I brought a mug for a friend of mine. I wanted to bless her.

I’m hoping to go back to this wonderful place this summer. I can’t wait but for now I can dream. The man who took these photographs his name is Dave White. He’s recovering from cancer and I’ve got to know him over Facebook. I’ve been praying for him and I’m asking people to continue to pray for his full healing. He’s a guy I want to meet next time I go.

Thanks for coming on my journey to the ranch.

I’m getting a whole ton of feelings right now with meeting my mom for me it’s like the first time, to coming back for two months to moving here I’ve not written about that yet. It brings up tons of rejection, abandonment, to how is a young girl supposed to make sense to any this. Nobody understood even though they tried. When I eventually got to talk to someone where the heck do you start. I’m feeling big huge raw feelings right now and part of me my running part wants me to keep running and not write about it. I did that my whole life and even though this is hard and rough for me, I do know it’s the right thing to do.

Remember years back Michelle Knight and the other two woman that were held in that basement and horrific things Happened to them. Months later after their rescue I heard Michelle on Dr. Phil and the biggest thing she spoke about was when you get out of that years of that abuse and your rescued and then your expected to just go and live in the world. The hardest thing for her was how do you do that. How do you just go back to living your life when your whole world was ripped upside down.

I never forgot and I totally understand that statement because how do you just go on living in a whole other life. One that you don’t fit in no matter how hard you try. I never fitted in anywhere. Everything was new and foreign. It was even harder coming from Ireland to Canada the culture is just so different. I eventually went to counseling but it took years for me to realize the depth of what had happened.

Even then how do you process the whole thing and kids in school were brutal to me I was bullied a lot for being different. As I feel that fear of wanting to run a voice inside me tells me what if I’m helping one person who is feeling or has felt like I do. For me reading about hope and redemption helped me get through my tough life one day at a time.

I start back at school tomorrow so I won’t be writing as much and need to process some of what I’m talking about. I have a good counsellor so I will uppack some of this with her. Thanks for praying for me in this journey. It’s difficult for me.

Life began happening really fast since the first time I met my mom. Peter he moved out here to go to school. My mom wanted me to spend two months of my summer holidays with me in Canada. As soon as school was done I was on a flight to Victoria. I had mixed feelings because the only family I knew was my family in Ireland. Yes this woman was my mom but she was a complete stranger to me. I had no feelings for her even though she treated me well.

I had come from a very shelthered life where I was scared of my own shadow. I trusted nobody and even less people who were nice to me. They were people that hurt me the most. Peter was busy with his life here and had no time for his sister. He also treated badly because of how he had been taught. I never noticed until I was out of that environment. My mom was horrified how he talked to me. How would he know any difference that was what was modelled to him.

My mom and Ben had a tent trailer and they wanted to take me in holidays with them. I had no idea how I was supposed to act and my mom is particular on how she wants things and I’m not used to having people tell me things so I fought with her. When I argued with her she did nothing so I pushed her more and more and she never hit me. That was a weird concept. Her expectations of me seemed over the top and I could not figure out what she wanted. I never had expectations or boundaries. My mom was very neat and tidy and I well I just didn’t care. We clashed often.

We travelled to the interior and it was beautiful except that I couldn’t see properly because even though I had glasses I could not see Anything out of them. Everything was always fuzzy. I hate that I missed all that beautiful scenery. We did go to Bakersville it’s an old town where they acted out the town and I got to pan for gold. That was awesome and I loved it. My mom and Ben loved to hike and well I had never hiked anywhere in my life so I complained often and said I was sick.

It was difficult trying to have a relationship with my mom. I had no idea what our how to have one. All I knew were four walls and limited time out of them. I also only had school and that was it. My world was really small. With my mom my world was huge and there was no safe place for me. I became so anxious and panicked. I wanted to go back home to Ireland. I didn’t want to be here anymore.

As I write this I’m saddened by this but my world was so small and at least I knew what was happening even if it was beatings every day, locked in my room, starving and my family. At least I knew what was coming. With my mom my world was too large and I couldn’t handle it. I had no idea what was happening day by day. It was safer yes but in reality not safer for me. I returned home after my summer holidays to find that my life would be turned upside down forever.

I love with a new year we get to have a clean slate and for me it gives me much hope. It seems like many have given up and lost hope especially with this virus. It has knocked the wind out of many. I do know one thing for sure that no matter what happens God is with us.

One of the reasons why I wanted to write my memoirs was to share the story of redemption. My blog is called beauty from Ashes because God took a horrible situation and He made it beautiful. Isaiah 61:3 “…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. Wow that verse says it all. Yes my story is hard to read at times and the abuse I endured was horrific but God was with me every step of the way. I’ve been writing it to give people Hope in a world that has lost all hope. God used my story to make me a strong woman who stands up for others. Even though it sounds ridiculous God uses our stories for His glory and to help others.

After twelve years of hell, I guess my dad decided to contact my mom. He knew where she lived as he had her address all along. He said she could have contact with her kids. He wrote and sent her photos and I started a dialogue with to me was a complete stranger. I had no relationship and for a young girl how do you wrap your head around this was your mom. She wanted to see Peter and I. She was cautioned by my dad that if she tried to get custody of us or any legal action. He would never let her ever see us again. My mom just wanted to see us. She lived in Canada and she arranged for us to fly from Dublin to Vancouver airport.

The day came for us to fly to Canada and meet our mom. It was the Christmas of 1983. I was scared and I had never flown before but I was so glad Peter was with me. I will never forget the doors of the airport opening and this woman coming running out of the crowds and hugging Peter. I just stood there. She eventually came over to me and hugged me. I stood like a board. We got our luggage and I met Ben who was married to my mom. We drove to the ferry to catch it to go back back to Vancouver Island where they lived.

Ben worked for the ferries and so everyone knew him. He was kind and soft spoken. He asked if I wanted fries with gravy said that was a Canadian thing. I only knew chips with ketchup. We eventually got back to their home. As we drove I was amazed that Canadians lived in homes not igloos where was the snow. That’s what I had learned in school. They had a nice home and we got settled in our rooms.

I was super shy and our mom was so glad we were home that lots of people came to visit. I had no idea who they were but they had supported my mom in her loss for 12 years. My mom owned a store downtown and she took me there to visit. We went out for lunches, dinners and other people’s homes. I met Mandy and John, Ben’s Parents. The first time I met them I really liked them. They came on Christmas morning for a special brunch at our home and then later we went to their home for Christmas dinner. I got really nice presents for Christmas. A video game, clothes and a teddy bear I still own today.

Even though my mom was a stranger to me I felt this warm love something that was totally foreign to me. I spent three weeks with her and Ben. Then it was time to go back to Ireland. Even though they were my family how do you leave this to go back to your hellish life. When we went back Peter left Ireland and came to love in Canada. I was alone again. My siblings took my toys and my clothes were taken away from me and given to them.

I was able to return the following summer for two months. My next post will be about that trip. That was a difficult trip. Stay tuned….