I got lots people reaching out to me about my posts especially the one I wrote last night. It was difficult to write but I do want all of you to know that God has healed me in so many ways. I’ve worked really hard to forgive all those who hurt me and now I live in Freedom. This part of my memoirs are hard to write and I know for many to read. Throughout it all God shone his light into my life and he sent people and eventually I got out of that abusive situation. It was horrific and no child should ever go through what I endured. Now I will write about how I got out of that situation and how I eventually moved to Canada.
I have four half sisters and one half brother and my brother who lives here in Canada near me. Growing up I was really close to Laura. She’s four years younger then I am. We did everything together. We had an awesome relationship and I love this gal so much. We laughed and did Everything together. Laura was really effected about how my brother and I were treated. She suffered from depression and would become really sad when things became really hard for my brother Peter and I. We went to school together, walked home together. Waking home was always boring so Laura and I tried smoking our first cigarettes together. We tried to feel cool although the taste of cigarettes is nasty. Of course our dad found them on me one morning and I kept my mouth shut about my sister. He made me smoke the whole pack seeing as he said I liked smoking. Man I was so sick and that was the end of the smoking. 🚬
Laura was the sister when we went on Holidays who rode the donkey with me. She loved horses so she graduated to riding horses on that trip and I stuck to the stubborn donkeys. Laura and I hung out all the time up at the farm. My stepmom’s family owned a farm in County Cavan. I’m not sure how long they owned that farm for but Martha’s my step mom, mom and dad had the farm before it was passed down to their kids.
The farm had cows, a bull where Laura and I wore red and raced in front of the bull so he’d chase us. We did that often. Chickens, pigs and piglets. Wow piglets squeal loudly. They also had sheep and sometimes we got to feed the lambs with bottles. That was awesome. They milked the cows and sold the milk. The farm was huge. I loved the farm so much. That was a place where Laura and I got to run and be free all day. I loved that feeling.
The only part of the farm I hated was Martha’s brother he was weird. Laura and I always stayed away from him. He carried his shot gun around a lot and he would catch rabbits and put them in brown sacks and tie them up and wait until they suffocated. Laura and I would come and let the rabbits out and he would get so mad. We would run off and laugh.
Unfortunately I sometimes was locked up in a bedroom in the newer house that was built on the same land as the farm. Martha’s brothers lived there and her mom and dad when they were alive. Martha’s sister Kathy lived not to far away with her eight children and her husband. My family would often go over there to visit. I would just sit and wait for them to come back. Jerry the guy with the gun he sexual abused me while I was at home alone. He did that three times and then threatened to kill me if I told anybody about that. Of course I kept silent.
Now as an adult where was my family why didn’t they protect me from this monster. My family never protected me from anything. Years later I told Peter about it and he told my family and of course they did not believe me. Please make sure that if you are ever abused in any way you tell someone. The consequences of abuse is massive and it took years to deal with it all. Even though you move on you never forget. I was about 10 when this happened and I remember shortly after that I developed asthma. Probably from the stress of this and not being able to tell anyone. Years later Peter confronted Jerry about what happened. Hopefully he never did that to another person again. I had no idea what happened to him because I never went back to the farm again. Laura and I hung out at home a lot. My other siblings were all younger than Laura Gina was two years younger than Laura, Roger was the only boy, Danielle and Tiffany was the youngest. Danielle and Tiffany were two and three years old when I left Ireland. I hung out and played with all my siblings but my closest one was Laura.
* The names of the people I used in this story have been changed. *
As a year would come to an end I hoped each year that the next would be better than the year before. Something had to give. Unfortunately I spent 12 years trapped in that hell. That’s a long time to wish something different would happen. Year after year just got blended into one after the other. There are so many years I have no idea what happened. Trauma will do that to you. You just go into survival mode.
I did know I had a mom somewhere in Canada that’s all I knew. My dad would sit me in his knee when I was younger and tell me he took my brother and I to give us a better life. He told me my mom was unstable but having no idea what that meant. I know know what was a bunch of lies and really you took us to gone is a better life is totally crap. This is a better life. You put us both through hell. My mom was not unstable that was a lie to protect yourself. It’s amazing what people will say to protect themselves. I also know that my dad didn’t think what he did was wrong. Kidnapping is not wrong. Makes him look massively unstable. You do not treat any children like how we were treated.
I used to dream that my mom would come find me or I would find her and we would live happily ever after. That did not happen for 12 years but that’s jumping ahead in the story so we will come back to that. One year when my brother was 16 and I was 11 there was a knock at our door and I opened it and there was two police officers standing at the door with a bag filled with clothes and blood. They asked to talk to my parents. I couldn’t hear the conversation but I knew something bad was happening. We were asked to stay at home my sister and I and look after the younger siblings. My step mom and dad left in a huge hurry. That bag was left on the counter and my sister and I looked inside there was a school uniform and one shoe.
I knew it was brothers without been told. I burst into tears and cried a lot. When my step mom and dad came home they were very quiet. I then was told my brother had been in a accident and that a car had hit him. It went through a red light when he was running across the road to catch the bus. He was in intensive care and may not make it. I was stunned and in shock. I remember praying for him and asking God to please not take my brother. He was the only saving grace I had in my family. As I write this tears stream down my face as I still remember those feelings.
My brother was in intensive care for three weeks and he had two broken wrists, arms, a broken leg and many broken ribs. I was finally able to go to the hospital and see him. He was so banged up. I remember feeling so scared but glad that he would be ok. Thank you God for answering my prayers. My brother finally came home and the whole time he was in the hospital my stepmom and dad were very nice to me. I think it scared them that they could have lost him. He came home to recover and my step mom and dad treated him like a king. Slowly they started to treat me like crap again. I would imagine what would happen to me if I got run over by a bus, a train or if I got hit by a car. Would my life be better. What a horrific thing for a child to think so that they would be treated better.
My brother had to have emergency surgery because both of his wrists arms were shattered in the accident. He had tried to stop the accident by putting out his hands. To this day he can’t turn his wrists because of how badly they were damaged. He ended up getting a settlement from the case because witnesses attested that the driver had run a red light and hit my brother. What a year that was. Thank you Lord for saving my brother. After he recovered he graduated at 16 and moved out of the house. That was so hard on me because I hardly saw him and then I felt so alone……
As 2021 comes to an end I’m so thankful and appreciative to all the readers on here and all the people who follow my blog. This would not be possible without each of you. Three years ago I decided to blog some of my thoughts and share my heart with people and I discovered that writing was the greatest outlet for me. I found it very therapeutic.
I also want to thank many of the photographers who let me put their lovely photos on my blog. Very few of them are mine almost all of them are from amazing photograpers I follow our like their photos. Thank you so much for making my blog nicer to read and look at.
On this blog I have many people who constantly like my blog and read every post I put out. I’ve grown to love their posts as well. Thank you for supporting me in this journey. In the last couple of months I felt I was supposed to write my memoirs on my blog. After struggling for years on what to do with it, I decided not to write it in book form. My siblings who live in Ireland, the USA and England even changing the names of the people in the story it could still effect them greatly and I never want to hurt them in any way. I decided to write my story on my blog. At first it was hard but what I love about blog writing is you get to choose what you want to write about. I don’t have to go into huge details like you do in a book. I look forward to writing more in the upcoming year. This is mine and God’s story. Thank you for reading it and encouraging me on this journey.
Happy New year to you all. May God bless each of you in 2022. I look forward to many more blog posts. ❤️
Another year is coming to a close. It’s been a year of challenges, trials, change, good things and many blessings. As I reflect on this year it was also another year of Covid. The biggest change for me was the home I rented for 13 years and the home Larry and I lived in for sold. It was time for me to go but also it was hard because I loved that home. It was harder and harder to look after with sore knees. Earlier in the year I was told that I had a torn miniscus, an injury and a sprain in my knee. I was also told I had arthritis in both knees and the kind I have just gets worse and worse.
For me that’s really hard because I have a very physical job and this year I’m September I’m on the top floor of the school and the stairs are brutal for me. The hardest thing for me is not being able to afford the knee brace my knee needs, but not my other knee is just as bad. Last week I found a naturopathic doctor who is giving me prolotherapy which is sugar shots and saline. Sugar has healing properties that can stop that chronic pain I suffer with. The doctor I’m going to see is awesome and he’s helping me with treatments and other things I need. I look forward to not having constant pain. I’m strengthening my knees right now and working on losing more weight and eating better. I stopped for Christmas but will get back on it. In 2022 I plan on putting my health number one. Life is too short to keep sabotaging my health. With no pain I can many things. It’s a game changer.
Back to moving cleaning a house and packing, selling and moving was a lot for me. I have incredible friends who came and helped me move, clean and were there for moral support. I had no idea what God had just the right place for me to go to. A place where I could have my dog and my rabbit and I have the most amazing landlords. I have a tiny suite but I realized I don’t need lots of room and the room I have is adequate. I also have a fairly big yard fully fenced that Zeke can be in and my rabbit. It’s so quiet at this place and the house is right by the river on two sides of the house. It’s a very peaceful neighbourhood and I’m very blessed to live here. Change was hard initially but so good now.
I’ve learned about simple things and my word for 2022 is to continue with simplicity, joy and inspiration. God is moving me in great ways and I love that. For the first time in a long time I feel contempment, I feel peace and love. I will continue to write my memoirs. For the first time since writing them I feel peace about that and even with the hard enteries, God is using them for His glory. That’s all I ever wanted because without Him in my life there is no story to tell. God always uses our trials and our hurts for His Glory. He turns ashes into beauty. He takes broken cisterns and mends them and molds them into a masterpiece. I love that so much. Don’t be afraid to share your testimonies. God will use them to encourage others. A big thank you to all my readers on my blog. Thank you for joining me as I continue to write about what God is doing and has done for me.
Happy New year to each and everyone of you. What are your words for the upcoming year? I would love to hear them in the comments below.
On one of my last years at St. Andrew’s before I moved to Canada I went on a French trip with my class. We went from Dublin to Lehavre, Paris on the roughest ferry ride ever. It’s 15 hours. The waves were massive and we had to stay in our bunks in our rooms. Everyone was sea sick except me. It was hard to walk. The trip is really long and it was really rough. This was huge trip for all of us. We went with our French teacher and I think another teacher. We arrived in Lehavre in Paris and a big coach picked us up. I assume we stayed in a hotel but I don’t remember. I do know we had to travel in groups for safety.
We did our sightseeing and we went to the Eiffel Tower. That monument is massive we went to the first part of it. You could go in the elevator or walk up a gillizon steps. The elevator goes up the leg of the building and it’s pretty high up only on the first level. I remember being told not to throw anything off the top because it could knock someone out from the height. It cost more money to go up to the very top. The first level was high enough for me. Apparently on each level there are restaurants ,3 in total. At night we toured the streets of Paris in our coach bus. Paris during the night is cool as it’s all lit up. We drove past the Arc de Triompge is one of the famous monuments in Paris many times.
The Louvre Museum is considered one of the finest art galleries in the world for its wide collections of pre-historic artefacts to 18th century masterpieces. We went in and I got to see the Mona Lisa and it was pretty impressive even as a kid.
The Wedding at Cana is a story from the Old Testament of the Bible. The painting commissioned from the painter Veronese by the Benedictine monks of a Venice monastery has this as its theme. It is highly regarded for the way it depicts Venetian society at the time through a bible story. Taken from Google this description. I loved this painting so much. There were many amazing paintings in there. I Wish now I appreciated them more. What an opportunity one I will probably never see again.
I’m not sure what else we visited but we did get to go shopping in Paris. I got souvenirs and a Eiffel Tower keychain. I also got a portrait of me done in cartoon. We had to travel in groups as crime was high back then. I’m broad daylight you could see pickpockets out so we had to hide out money in pouches that we wore under our clothes.
What an amazing trip that. Unknownst to me that was one of the last special things I would do with my classmates. That was the last year I attended St. Andrew’s College before I was taken out never to set eyes on my school mates again. I’m super lucky as I’ve seen Karen twice already and next year will see her again. Paris is an amazing city. I’m so glad I had that opportunity to go.
As I’ve mentioned before I went to a private school. We wore uniforms and we had assemblies every morning and sang the national anthem in Gaelic. Almost none is could Gaelic but we stood and it got sung everyday. You’d stand in your class in a line. Then you’d go off to your class. The school had strict guidelines that we had to abide by. I came in after students had been caned for whatever. We still got hit with a ruler on our hands and my math teacher often threw his chalk board eraser at his students. If you ducked quick enough you could escape it belting you in the head. My brother often had it thrown at him. My geography teacher when he got frustrated would grab your head and bang it on the table. Times were very different back then.
We had a woman who looked after all the girls we nicknamed her Nellie. She used to wear the same outfit everyday it was a purple tweed skirt and blazer. Whenever we got into trouble we were sent to her office and she would lecture us on proper edicate at school. I spent a lot of time in her office. My best friend in school was Karen. Karen and I often got into trouble together. We had fun and we would prank our teachers so that we got to go to Nellies office. One day we were bored so Karen poked my leg with her compass. I magnified it huge and cried out in pain like she had stabbed me. The two of us went to Nellies office and I’m pretty sure our parents got called about that one. We went through everything together.
Karen walked me home one day before she had to walk back and take the train back to her house when I was scared to walk home. To make the kids like me I often got into fights with other kids you had to do whatever you could to survive even at school. One day I was fighting with a kid and they picked up a stool and threw out at me. I ducked and the stool went through the painted glass window. As I said yesterday I loved it was escape from my home.
On one of my last years at St. Andrew’s before I moved to Canada I went on a French trip with my class. We went from Dublin to Lehavre, Paris on the roughest ferry ride ever. It’s 15 hours. The waves were massive and we had to stay in our bunks in our rooms. Everyone was sea sick except me. It was hard to walk. The trip is really long. Back then you could gamble on the ferry so Chip he won 100 pounds and when his family picked him up they were able to claim the money he won. I will write more about that trip in the next blog. Karen and I are still really good friends and she came here to visit me with her mom, dad and her husband. Next Spring she’s coming in for the day as they will be coming on a cruise ship. I’m looking forward to seeing her. I’ve missed her. I think this is why I love working at school so much because it was my safe place.
I’ve written things about my past that have been hard to read. They have been hard to write when though I don’t feel those feelings anymore. I will never forget them either. Part of me sharing my story is so that those that may be in abusive situations can find help or can speak out about it. Back when I lived in Ireland from 1972 to 1984 people did not interfere with what was happening in people’s lives, so if anybody knew that things were very wrong in my family, nobody spoke up. Things are very different now especially for children. I remember feeling brave and telling my dad that I was going to go to the police and tell them everything that was happening in our home and I still remember to this day that he said if I told anybody that I would be taken away forever, and I would never see my family again. As a kid that scared me a lot so guess what I stayed quiet. Who would believe me anyways?
One of the hardest things about how I lived locked in many rooms of different homes we lived in was the neighbourhood children would often come and play in my house. They had no idea I was in the house as well. On the odd occasion when I was allowed out to play the children would ask me who I was and they asked me where I lived. I would tell them I lived in this house and they all said no you don’t. We’ve never seen you there and we play in there often.
In one of the first homes we lived in I remember watching the children play outside my window on their bicycles. It’s so hard to understand why you weren’t allowed to go and play with them. I went to school with a lot of those children.
As an adult I often wondered how I was able to survive such a horrific childhood. I do know now that God was with me, because there is no way I could survive that in my own. When I was at the ranch in Oregon one day walking along the dusty path through the Sage bushes with my good friend Kim. God showed me that when I had called out to Him that He was there right beside. After we had prayed I saw him behind me. He was by my side the whole time. I remember sitting in a corner of my room crying out for God to hear me and change my life.
That’s how I survived. How else could one person survive been beaten, starved and abused in every way possible. I do know that the people who helped me out in my life and gave me food, friendship and hope in my life also helped me survive. I’m internally grateful. God put the right people into my life to help me along the way.
School was my saving grace. It was a safe place for me but I still had to figure out who to trust. I went to a private school and boys from all over the world were borders there. They had a school nurse that I often went to see who gave me milk of magnesium to settle my stomach that was often in knots from the stress of my life. It was a safe place for me to go to. One day she was away and in the second day of going to see her she called my dad to tell him that I was sick too often. I was beaten when I got home for pretending I was sick. I never went back to the school nurse again. I could not trust that would not happen again.
School was a place that I could be away from my home for 8 hours everyday. I loved school even though I was a terrible student. I know understand why because you can’t concentrate on school work if your hungry or constantly in survival mode. I hated when school was out for Christmas and the worst was summer holidays two months away from school was awful. In my next entry I will write about my friends at school and more about school.
Lastly I want to reach out to people if you ever suspect a child in an abusive situation please don’t remain silent. Please speak out even if your wrong. If your in an abusive situation please get help. Tell someone what is happening. You don’t have to remain in that situation. 🙂
Christmas used to be a hard time for me. Christmas seemed to be a day where I was included in what was happening sometimes. The Christmas’ that were hard for me reminded me that I was not good enough even to be included in family things. The Christmas’ I do remember I have fond memories of. As kids we had stockings and we always got a Christmas orange, candy canes, sometimes a pair of socks or a pair of mittens. I don’t remember anything else about the stockings but we did get them Christmas morning. Then we would get Selection boxes which was a variety of Chocolate bars made from Cadbury. Some of the presents I remember getting are a spinning top which I still have. A puppet that had strings attached to it and I could almost bring it to life with the strings. I played with that for hours on end. I had a blue emu puppet. I had a plastic toy that you could make all sorts of things with.
One Christmas I got a yo yo not just a regular one but a trick one. I spent hours in end learning all the cool tricks you could do and I become quite good at it. I took it to school and showed the kids all the tricks I knew. The kids were impressed and I felt good for a short time that I could do something and feel that recognition. We would have a turkey at Christmas and I got to be part of my family for that one. I used to try and hold on to every minute before it slipped away.
It is believed that if you find in traditional Irish Barmbrack: it’s a sweet bread we would eat for dessert. Baked into the bread was the following items. A coin, a ring, a pea, a bean, a stick and a piece of cloth.
coin, you will be wealthy;
ring, you will marry within a year;
pea, you won’t marry that year;
bean, you will have fortune but not money;
stick, you will have unhappy marriage or disputes;
piece of cloth or rag, you will be poor. All we wanted was to find the coins.
We also have the traditional Christmas cake. The one with the raisins and dried fruit with marzipan and icing. My brother and I used to just eat the marzipan and the icing. To this day we won’t eat that because we are so much of it as a kid. That will teach us.
I’m not sure if Christmas day everyone was happier and that’s why we were included because the next day life went back to the way it was. It’s like we didn’t exist again and all that niceness was gone in an instant. The nice Christmas’ I remember I felt included. What a lovely feeling that is. Did they feel guilty and that’s why for that one day we were included. For now I will take as many good memories as I can. Now as an adult I love Christmas. To me it represents Family, friends, simplicity and about giving.
Merry Christmas to all and wishing you a great holiday no matter how you celebrate it. I love Christmas because it’s the birth of Jesus and I love the Christmas story. How something so simple can make a huge impact in all of our lives today. ❤️
This past week I found myself having to make a whole bunch of tough decisions regarding my dog. I always made those decisions with my ex husband. As I sat in the parking lot at the animal hospital and cried. I prayed about what I needed to do. Zeke is my labradoodle and best friend. I’ve been through so much with him. He’s my Therapy dog and I love him so much. I’ve never been asked in my life if they needed to do CPR could they. Of course I wanted the too. I decided to reach out to my Facebook friends to pray for Zeke. The response was overwhelming. People checked in on me and prayed and Pm me.
I realized that I could do this, make those tough decisions and know that I have tons of support and people that love Zeke and I. I don’t need Larry anymore and God has given just what I need. I love that. I’ve not been on my own in the last 20 years and those decisions I made with someone else. I realized how much I’ve grown and I love that. I’ve gotten so much more confidence and yes I made the right decisions for Zeke.
Beauty from Ashes. 