Beauty from Ashes.

Loneliness is something almost all of us go through at one time or another. As I was sitting here reflecting about it I realized that we are never lonely if we have Christ in our lives. He brings much comfort to our souls yes, but there’s more to this than that. I don’t believe we are meant to be alone as humans. God made people to be in our lives. We just need to have healthy relationships. What happens when one or many of your relationships are not healthy? It’s not always easy to just walk away if it’s your family or your spouse or a good friend.

I’ve been married for eighteen and a half years and the last 9 years or so I’ve felt really lonely in my marriage. I am married yes, but I feel as though my husband is my roomate. We have been to marriage counseling but it’s hard when both people do not want the same thing.  When i’m feeling that loneliness that’s when I sit down with my favorite drink and read the promises and truths of the Lord. My relationship with the Lord has increased so much and then I feel that peace and know that I’m going to be ok.

In Genesis God says it is not good for man to be alone, His solution is a helper or a companion. God designed us to be in community with Him and one another. I also think depression can a big part of this, although in depression it usually makes you withdraw from others which of course makes loneliness much worse. I also listen to worship music or connect with a friend or write or go for a long walk.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me. ( Psalm 23:4 ) 

Be strong and courageous : Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you nor forsake you. ( Deut 31:6 ) 

For I am convinced that neither death or life, neither angels or demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all of creation will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ( Romans 8:38 – 39 )

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ( 1 Peter 5:7 ) 

Also when I feel lonely I will connect with other believers and go to church. The church I attend is a community church that helps and serves others. When you are out serving others there is no time to be lonely. So I have had to adjust my life and stop expecting things that will never happen. I’m also thankful and so blessed for what I do have. God is walking me through this season in my marriage and I trust that He will get me through whatever it is I do.  I often pray about it and I keep moving forward to what God wants for me in this life.

  

 

The snow is unbelievable here. Our city is usually bearing blossom trees at this time of the year or snowdrops peaking up around the city. Sometimes we get a small amount of snow but not the last few days.  Others in the rest of Canada make fun of us as we struggle through this, but our snow is completely different; it’s heavy and wet and we have lots of hills. The last 2 days I’ve had snow days which is nice and the snow is so beautiful out on the trees.

This morning we woke up to 12 inches of snow. At 7:30 in the morning not a soul out and so quiet. Large amounts of snow hang from the wires and are built up on the bushes in unique patterns. The birds flying around looking for food and the humming birds coming to the feeders. On our back deck we have a bird feeder as I love to watch the birds come. Everything looks much brighter in this snow almost blinding to the eye. As I sit here blogging it’s began snowing here again huge big flakes. I think we are heading to our big snow storm we had in 1996. Seems like more snow in the forecast.

I found snow calming and peaceful. My labradoodle Zeke he loves it, but now it’s deep so when he goes out to go potty I see him searching outside for a good spot. This morning he found a ball and was so happy and of course wanted to play ball. The snow is right up to his belly and he has to leap over the snow to get through it.

 

  The only thing is he comes in with serious ice balls stuck on his fur. He’s so cute in the snow he looks like a giant teddybear.  My husband was just downtown as his family owns an apartment building and so he needs to make sure the sidewalks are clear. He told me this very jovient guy was riding his tricycle in the middle of downtown, not a care in the world. I guess he was out enjoying the snow.  He’s not out checking on his sister he sent me these photos it’s beautiful out there. 

Snow days are awesome so enjoy your and kids love this stuff. I see many out with their toboggans laughing and having fun. We will see what the next days bring. We could have a white Valentine’s Day. Stay safe out there and have fun.   

January was a really tough month for me. It seemed to rain it poured at the same time. I had 3 major things happen one after the other. I’m ready for a rest from it all. The first thing was I slipped in the tub and brusied my whole right side. I’m so lucky and blessed I didn’t break anything.  It took about a week to recover. Then I became extremely tired I thought it was from my fall. Then I got that bad news from work about not getting that  big raise and the back pay because I work with a special needs that was a huge blow to me, not just the money; but that I’m not appreciated at work for the job I do. The tiredness continued and I figured it was stress.

As I continued to ignore what was happening I then got pain which I recongized the symptons and lack of appetite and nausea. I went to the ER and Got checked out and I have elevated white blood cells they were high but not off the chart. I had another attack of diverticulitis. Diverticulitis is bulging pouches in the lining of your colon and they become infected and inflamed. I experienced lower pain in my stomach problems with my stools not having any, loss of appetite, bloating, fever ( I don’t ever get fevers ) nausea and I had really bad vertigo. I remember last year having similar symptons so I was right. They caught it early so I was sent home with 2 really strong antibiotics and had to start on a clear diet for 2-3 days and then a low-fiber diet and then back to normal eating. It took me a week to feel back to myself again. 

I realized that my tiredness was a sign I was not feeling good for about 3 weeks. It really kicked me down this diverticulitis and had to take a whole pile of time off without pay. I did manage 3 half days to come home exhausted. 10 days of antibiotics and 6 days worth of anti-fungal mediction for a huge throat yeast infection. When I get sick, I get really sick. I was glad to put January behind me.

Yesterday, I went back into PTSD symptons with this winter storm. For 4 hours I struggled with many different emotions and I realized I need to work on how to stop those feelings from getting so big that my body starts reacting from so much stress and I feel so immobilized  and I was at work so I had to stay and cope with those feelings. The more I heard about it from others the more I became terrified. I need coping skills before it esculates. That flight mode was huge in me but I was trapped I wanted to go home and feel safe. I phoned my husband on my lunch break and he prayed with me and I remember him telling me that I was safe and it would be ok. I also knew I was safe but when I’m in PTSD all I felt was super vulnerable and fearful. My poor body went through hell and I panicked and then when I drove home it was all right, it took me 4 more hours to calm myself down.

Today I have felt rough from all the stress that happened yesterday. That’s twice in the last few momths my body had gone to PTSD. Geesh I hope this is not happens in menopause. I know the hormones change but I could seriously pass on this. Today I’m back to feeling really tired and just feeling emotionally down. I isolated myself in my home because I didn’t want to go anywhere. These emotions are real and hard.  

Some good news yesterday I celebrated a year and a half of sobriety. I never thought I’d ever feel free of my addiction. IT just seemed to haunt me all the time. I’m very proud of myself. I have many people to thank for this> First of all God I could not do this journey of life without Him. I’m so thankful for my many friends that love and support me, for my pastors and their wives. My counselor who is not afraid to ask me those hard questions. My woman’s addiction group. I love these woman so much. I’m glad I get to do sobriety with each of you.   

Yesterday morning I spent the morning in the emergency room. It’s an intresting place to be but it’s never dull. People come and go but while you wait you have nothing to do but observe others. While I was waiting to check in I noticed a woman sitting in a chair waiting. I assumed she was waiting to get checked in. As I waited a police officer came in and went through the doors and came back and approached the lady sitting near me. He asked her why she was at the hospital. She said she came because her son was there. The police asked her what was her name she seemed confused she was waiting for her son. He asked her who her son was she told him. He asked her where she lived and she gave the area she lived in. He asked her when she was born, her age and her address all of which she had trouble answering. He then asked her if she had drank any alcohol she said no. She was clutching a paper bag by which he asked her what was in it. She replied it was chips and food. He asked if he could look sure enough it had food in it.

The officer left to put in her info and talked to the hospital staff. They had called him to say they were concerned about her and she had showed up before and a police officer had taken her home. They said she seemed very concerned but her son was not at the hospital. Turns out her son is 20 years old, but not at the hospital. I think of this poor mother concerned for her son having no idea where he is and so she’s searching for him. The police officer aid he’s take her home and said maybe your son is there. I’m not sure what happened with her but while I waited before I left that area I saw her walking down the road away from the police and then she came back and was saying something to the police. A woman police officer had joined them as well. I feel sad for this woman, obviously she was worried about her son and she had come looking for him. She was very confused which of course made it worse. To make matters worse the hospital called the police to take her away from them. If she’s that confused maybe she needed help this sounds like a mental issue.

Why is someone like this not treated like people in physical pain? I don’t understand that she needed help just as much as anyone. So does our society just leave her out in the world confused it sounds like she’s been at the hospital a few times searching for her son. So sad. 

As I sat for 5 hours for results etc people come and go. I find it interesting how people cope with pain or discomfort. There was a lady there with an older gentleman, the lady took care of people in the waiting room and offered to get food or drink for a woman waiting.  I was trying to figure out their relationship and the woman would say she’s ok she’s sitting in a chair. I wondered if the woman’s daughter was waiting for a doctor. Turns out the older guy was her dad and it was her mom waiting for tests. They both had a really good sense of humor. At one stage the older guy had his keys in his hand and the daughter says to her dad  Dad put away your keys he grumbled at her and finally put them in his pocket and she said to him I thought maybe you wanted to leave us. He replied Well I could just take off if I want and leave you all here, but I will just stay with you. He said it in a jest of humor. It took me all I could not to laugh. 

A while later a young girl comes into the waiting room and looks rough. Her face looked like she had cigerette burns on them. She sat down almost in defeat. There were 3 guys sitting by her. She looked super uncomfortable but the guys beside her starting talking about smoking and then she pipped up and said she had left her home that day and left her smokes at home. After that her body relaxed more in the chair and she even laughed and joked with the two men. 

Yesterday it seemed like almost everyone talked with one another, well what else is there to do when your there for 5 hours or so. People seemed to have compassion for each other no matter what there circumstance were. I loved that because sometimes strangers will not talk with anyone. Some of my neighbours don’t talk to me after living in my home for 9 years.  Even though I waited so long they did check on me occasionally and I was able to get some pain meds and some anti-nausea medication. 

I had a suspicion I had diverticulitis I had the same symptons as I did last year. I had pain in my stomach and left side and woke up feeling really dizy and nauseous. The pain was more intense. The ER doctor told me that was probably what I had. He did tell me extra stress could have made it worse. I  found the whole blood thing quite humerous if I’m dehydrated then it’s impossible to find my veins so the first lady tried twice and then she called another woman to come because one person is only allowed 2 tries and then they have to call someone else. The only place I seemed to have veins was my hand so this women found it the first time and the other woman was very sorry and felt bad. I did tell her it’s hard to find any veins. 

My blood work came back and I had elevated white blood cells but it was caught early so I was able to go and antibiotics and go home. I have to be on a clear diet for 2 days and then slowly introduce low fiber back into my diet. It’s amazing how clear fluids make you feel better and I’ve not been hungry which is good. I’m really glad I got to come home and not stay at the hospital. Now I know what the symptons are so I can go early for treatment. 

I’m also glad my time at ER was not boring. It’s a good place to people watch but glad that others cared about each other. Hopefully I won’t have to go back for a while. After 24 hours I’m feeling much better so that is good news. 

 

I love children so much and have worked in Early Childhood Education in British Columbia, Canada for 30 years now. This is not a profession that one gets into if they are concerned about money. Yes I need money to live on but children and their well being to me has always come first. I have my diploma in Early Childhood Education and for 30 years in my field we have worked so hard to have quality childcare, inclusion for every child, and education that helps us go further in our field. 

In the last three years or so a lot of people have left our profession because the cost of living goes up in my city and our wages are lower. The school system decided to offer Early CHildhood educators much higher wages to come and be EA’s in the school system as they badly needed help. A lot of people my age left and now have good jobs in the school. It is unionized so better money and less hours to work.  It has been really hard to find qualified staff for jobs and many programs have had to shut down their infant centres. The place I work at has had to cut back on our spaces which means less quality care out there for infants. 

Recently the BC government through Children and Families decided to give cheaper daycare to parents and in turn boost up our wages in our field. It would be back paid from September to January of this year and a dollar an hour more and in another year another dollar an hour. This is huge for us in my field, it’s to bring more people into the field and help us bring more quality childcare to our centres. This is awesome. We finally can feel like this profession is worthy to be reconized for what we do.

Yesterday I was told our work had approved all of our staff except me and another guy because we work in special needs positions. I was in shock and what does this mean. Last night I read the regulations and those who are eliable are anyone who has a current and in good standing cert in Early Childhood, under 3’s and special needs certificates. Worked on the floor for more than 50% of the time and that your centre was approved for the grant.  I have all those certifications and those who are ineligible support workers, those educators who are off the floor, assistants, volunteers and those who look after their own children.

Does the government not realize the job I do. I do more than anybody else in my centre because the child I work with comes with a team of therapists and I have to implement what they suggest I do. It is hard work doing this job and we are NOT ELIGIBLE. How is this quality childcare if we have nobody who wants to work in helping special needs children what happens to these children- yes the funding may be there but no workers and these children will just be in our centres with no extra help.  How is that benefitting anyone especially the child that needs extra support. I already get low wages and no sick time or benefits and now because we are not able to get this grant we will lose $2,000 this year plus $4,000 next year.  

For me yes the money would have been a welcomed thing but more importantly for me THIS IS NOT INCLUSION. What happens to our special needs children and their families and quality care we have fought so hard for. I am outraged by this. Today I was told by a friend just quit my job. Another said to me well this job your in has cost you a lot and now this. I could quit my job today and get any job in my city and get my benefits my grant etc but how do I explain to the family whose child I have worked for 2 years I’m quitting on you and your child for more money. This is not about money to me this is about an really unfair thing that is happening to our children, it’s exclusion so if you have special needs to bad we will not give you quality people to work with you.

The little boy I work with was in a tragic accident that caused him to now have a brain injury. If he did not get one on one help he would not be so far in his development and be able to do so many things that typical 4 year olds can. He would not have had that so important intervention that is proven over and over again to help in the first 5 years of a child’s life. He would not be able to go to school or have the same opportunities as any other child. Why is his family and so many others being punished for having no workers to work for them or people with no or little education. These are our children, this is their future. Quitting would also say I don’t care about what is happening and I’ve never quit anything in my life without a huge fight.

Today I wrote letters to people who needed to know about this. I have more to write and a bunch of people who care about childcare are writing to their MLA and the MInistry of child and Families. This fight is not over. Speak out today and stand up for what is right. I will let you know how this turns out.        

 

https://annvoskamp.com/2019/01/when-a-cussing-drug-addicted-mom-shows-up-at-your-church/

How many of us really know what hunger is all about? Most of you will know what it is like to never know what hunger is about. You will know what 3 meals a day is like and snacks. I wish everyone could experience that. According to feedingamerica.org   40 million Americians struggle with hunger which includes 12  million children. Wow! I find that staggering.  4 million people in Canada experience food insecurity and 1 in 8 Canadians struggle to put food on their tables. This topic lays near and dear to my heart. It is a hard and painful subject for me, but recently wrote about it in my memoirs.

As a child growing up in Ireland we lived in poverty. There were 7 children to feed so money was always tight. My stepmom was Catholic so there were often big families. We had food in our house, but my brother and I were not allowed access to it. We were the black sheep of the family and we were shoved aside. Both of us spent long days and nights locked in our rooms. When my brother lived at home we would hang out on the landings of our homes. My brother tried to protect me as much as he could. I felt helpless as a child.

We were often only allowed one meal a day which usually dinner, but I was not allowed to join the family at the table. That’s another story which you can read in my memoirs. Food often consisted of foods I hated. My stepmom was a terrible cook and boiled everything to death so it was often very rubbery. One would think if you were hungry you would just eat it. I hated liver and I always got an extra portion of it. I was told if I wouldn’t eat it I was not leaving the table. So I sat there for a long time, part of my plan is to see how long I could sit there and not have to go back to my bedroom. My stepmom made me sit there for hours. At least it was a different place to be as I often spent days and months locked in my bedroom. Here I could see how my siblings lived and if I cranked my neck I could hear the tv.  Finally she would get fed up and I’d go back to my room. The next day it would be in my lunch to take to school.

On my way to school I would toss it into the garbage. I learned for a while that my dad kept lots of loose change in his coat pocket and I would steal change out of it and buy food in the tuck shop at school.  When you are hungry so hungry that you feel like you will die eventually that pain of hungry numbs and I had to figure out how to get food without getting caught. While all the kids were outside playing for recess I would go from classroom to classroom pulling out one thing from each kids lunch and put it in my lunch. I had to be so careful and after a week would go to the next grades classrooms and start again.  I never did it from the kids in my grade.   

As I got older I couldn’t do that anymore when I moved to a differnt part of the school so I would borrow money from the Librarian to buy food. Eventually one of my school friends her mom would buy me lunch tickets to have a hot meal at school. Her daughter kept the tickets for me and at least everyday while school was on I would be able to eat. When you are so hungry all the time, school and learning is something that is impossible. Concentrating on anything is awful so I used to just fool around and not pay attention ever.  I picked fights with all the kids and goofed off in school and was known to be a troublemaker. No I was just hungry.  Not one teacher  I had ever knew I was starving.

Others ways I got food was the lady who lived across the street would pick me up with her son and on those days she always had been grocery shopping and while she went inside her house I would load up her food into my backpack and go home and eat. I believe that she knew something was really wrong over at my house and that is why she did that. I’m very thankful for her. I also tried stealing at local grocery store until I got caught and my dad beat the crap out of me. That ended that. I did find out later that my brother would go in the store and grab lots of bags and fill the bags up in the isles and walk out of the store. I should have teamed up with him.

It’s amazing how when one is hungry your survival skills kick into place. I hated to steal but without food I would have died. One crappy meal a day would not have been enough. My hardest times were summers they were long not allowed out at all. Sometimes but rarely my dad would let me out of my bedroom to eat something before my stepmom would be back.  

While kids were out being kids I was surviving this cruel world. I may not be good at sports or other activities, but I do have amazing survival skills. Thank you God for helping me survive from hunger. I no longer have to worry about where my next meal comes from, but as we have read at the beginning people and children are still hungry everyday. We can reach out and help.

This is Rosa my sponsor child from Guatemala I sponsor her so she can go to school, eat and whatever she needs. I sponsor her through Hope of Life International. It’s an amazing organization and once a month she gets money to help her grow and learn. I have also volunteered at the food bank 850,000 people go each month to the food bank to get food for their families. How can you help with people being hungry? 

https://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/who-we-are/our-herd/phoenix

This story about pheonix touched my heart so much and when I first went to the ranch I related to this horse so much for how it had been treated. 

Thanks for reading. Be Blessed today. 

 

 

One of my bosses lent me 3 books on writing as I told her I was writing my memoirs. This is the first one I cracked open the other day. I love it a lot, because it’s got short stories everyday and quotes from differnt people some of the things that have stood out to me was things I have felt but was not sure how I was supoosed to feel about them. This is the kind of book you could read day by day, but because it was lent to me I couldn’t keep it for a year. I have actually put it on my wish list to buy. 

On the 5th day the title of the day is Getting Caught. A group of students were asked if writing felt dangerous to them. One student replied ” Writing is dangerous because you might get caught.” –  Ralph Keyes ” Anxiety is not only inevitable part of  the writing process but a necessary part. If your not scared your not writing.”  For me to write my memoirs is terrifying in some ways and exciting all wrapped in one. It makes me feel really vulnerable and all my secrets will be exposed. I often worry about my proffession, would my co-workers or families I work with judge me for my past. I also know that if I don’t venture out and do this; I would be missing out on sharing an incredible story.

My family comes from the era that we do not tell people our darkest secrets. I’ve been told many times if I need to write, write it in a journal. Do you know how many journals I have more than you could ever imagine. I used to dream of writing my story but I thought for a long time that I was stupid. I was often told I was stupid or dumb and that I would never amount to anything. Guess what they were wrong. I became a woman who has strong passions for children. I love all the children I have taught for the past 30 years. God has given me a huge heart for those that are picked on or are different in some way. I was often told I did not belong. God gave me a heart that understands those hard topics that people will run away from. I understand addiction, sucide, depression, abuse, feeling so hungry I thought I would die. I wrote even as a child stuck in hell. I now know this writing helped me survive, so if I can survive all these things I can survive writing my memoirs.

Since I confessed about why I had orginally wanted to write my memoirs I have written 5 pages. I have that flare to write again and the words drip off the pages of the book. I can’t wait to sit down and write, so everyday I will write something.  I turn on my favorite music and put on my headphones and I write.  Sometimes when I write I feel happy or sad or a hard memory will come up and it’s tough. Sometimes I will reflect on that painful memory and cry or stop and pray and keep going out. I think bit by bit I will get through this book. I have written 67 pages so far. I’m proud of myself for getting this far.

My counselor is a wise woman she often says to me if I sit in those hard memories I won’t die. I hate feeling hard emotions or feelings but yes she’s right. I’ve not died yet…………. The book is about hard painful things but also happy memories all rolled into one. I’m thankful that I can walk this journey with each of you, I have a lot of awesome people in my life.  God gives me the strength to get through those hard times and I believe all this writing will bring FREEDOM for me.

” Writing is not a hobby. Collecting stamps or coins is a hobby, writing is a calling.” Day 3 Holy calling from A year of Writing Dangerously by Barbara Abercrombie          

This morning I was reflecting on why I love writing on my blog, but my book seems to be back on the shelf again. I was talking to my husband about it and came to realize that I originally started to write this book as a way to get back at the people who hurt me. They hurt me so this was my way to hurt them. I told myself and others that this book would bring hope and encouragement.  I have struggled writing it from day one and often had to put it out of my mind. I told myself it’s hard to write because of the content of my past. That is tough but deep down I now know it’s because this book was not my story through God, it was my story about me and revenge. I hate admitting that but I also know that confession is a must to put the situation in the LIGHT.  

Along the way God changed my heart about my dad and my stepmom and in one of my blogs I wrote about the forgiveness and how God took that hate and blackness I carried in my heart and filled it up with love.  I truly do want to write this book to encourage others. I want people to know that no matter what you have gone through in your life that God looks after us  and we can do anything.  I could have given up many times or let addiction take over my life. Instead I wanted a better life and I have worked so hard to do what God wants for me.

I want my memoirs to glorify God as it’s my story through Him. This morning I prayed that God helps me write this book and that He gives me the right words to write. I want my heart to shine in every word that is written. I want that love to shine through even when it’s tough to read.  I now know that even though my past was very hard and tough and painful, that shaped who I am today and that is why I will fight for those hard things because I am a survivor.  People who know me well call me fiesty. Fiesty is a good trait if it is used in the right way, it means to me that I will never give up no matter what. I will fight and stand on the TRUTH no matter what.

I realized today that I’m ready to write this book to honor God.  Thank you Lord for showing me what this block was. My goal is to write everyday and before I will know it, it will be written. I tell people this is one of the hardest things I have done as it’s painful at times to remember but I also need to remember that I’m free from all of that pain and now I’m free from unforgiveness. That was massive in my life.  Unforgiveness for me was a huge weight that was drowning me that I could bearly breathe. I thought it only effected me in addiction but now I realize it impacted my life in huge ways. It effected me writing and now that explains to me why I struggled so much with this book.  

I look forward to writing and I will still blog and maybe even write about some of it here. I’m off to tackle the book now. Thanks for listening to me.