2018 has been a good year for me in many ways. I brought in the New Year with one of my good friends Rachel. I had the opportunity to spend with Christmas last year with her and her husband. A Christmas I won’t soon forget. We have been friends for 9 years and I met Rachel at Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch and I visit her as much as I can. God also showed me during this visit the root of my addiction. It was unforgiveness in my heart. My post about Where was God growing up talks about that experience I had.

Since forgiving my dad and stepmom I felt so free and celebrated 1 year of sobriety for addiction at the beginning of August. I pray for both of them something I never thought I would ever do in my entire life. Good friends of mine helped me celebrate this occasion. It was nice to hear how God has used me in the lives of each of my friends lives. I love how God continues to use me to encourage others through their trials.

I used to think trials in my life which seemed unending were such a burden and extremely annoying. Now I see them as an opportunity to understand others in their pain and to have passion and love towards others. I love this quote I read yesterday. ” The road of hurt is marked by Hope. ” I love this scripture and it’s very appropriate to this topic. ” All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all our comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort that God has given us. The more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with HIs comfort through Christ.” 2Cor 3 -5

Hope is something that has been huge in my Faith journey, without I would never have come out of addiction, grown so much in Christ or done any of the things I have done. The opposite of Hope is hopelessness, despair and doubt. For much of my life I have felt this. Not having a clue how to move forward and then caught in addiction, that it’s self will crush one in hopelessness. Hope comes from God and others in our community and helps us move forward. Having Hope gives one freedom from our pain that cripples us sometimes on a daily basis.

” I pray that God the source of Hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace; because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow in confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. ” Romans 15:13 As this year draws to an end can we come together and have that Hope and pray and reach out to those who still feel that hopelessness.

Happy New Year to all my readers. May God continue to use you all in His glory this upcoming year.

Blessings Sarah

Living with post traumatic stress disorder can be challenging at times. Most of the time it lays dormant in my life and is not an issue in my life. Today it got triggered in a huge way.  Something good transformed into a problem quickly and it led to my dog knocking over an old dog who had come into the field with it’s owner and two other dogs to play with my dog. I’m not sure why my dog came over quickly to the dog as you could see it already had mobility problems. I think our dog was wanting to play but the poor thing went down and the owner freaked out at us. I stood there horrified I did go over to make sure the dog was ok but the lady was freaking out so much and crying hard. We put our dog on leash and waited to see what was happening with the other dog. The older dog whom the woman said was 15 years old got up which was good. Meanwhile the lady had 2 other dogs with her and another woman. They turned on my dog and were attacking him which apparently is what packs do. The other lady did pull off her dogs and 2 more times they came into attack my dog. My husband was there and even though the dogs were attacking mine it was just small bites. The lady left to take her dog back to the car and we talked to the other lady would her dog be ok.

Oh man we left I was shocked that I had watched this whole thing transform before my eyes. I was very shook up and my dog had just stood there while he was being attacked. He just stood there. I’m glad the other dog was ok. Our dog likes to wrestle other dogs so maybe he expected this dog to wrestle back. I’m glad it worked out for each of us. I was shaking when I got home and I called my trainer to tell him what had happened. He was good and calm as I recalled the situation. All day my head has been in a serious fog and over and over in my head I keep recalling the incident. My PTSD was triggered and now I’m feeling on edge and jumpy. I also feeling huge numbness and my head is in bad shape. It makes me feel so vulnerable and I hate when I get triggered like this. 

The next few days I will have to be good to myself and look after me. I hate this feeling but writing about it helps a lot and reaching out to others and asking them to pray and then when my body feels safe it will just go back to normal.  I’m glad these symptons only surface once in a while and not all the time like they used to. I used to get nightmares and then I was scared to sleep. I also used to use addicton to numb out the pain. Now I deal with it the best I can with much prayer. 

If any of you experience PTSD or huge anxiety out there, there is help you don’t have to deal with this on your own. I appreciate all the people I have in my life to help me in this journey called life. 

 

 

10 days a great dane escaped from the home of his grandma, she was looking after him while her daughter and son in law where on holidays. Roscoe escaped just around the corner from my home. He was hit by one car and at the end of our main road was hit again. A massive search for this big boy left everyone wondering what happened to him.  Yesterday he was found. Here is the story of Roscoe.  It is inspiring and a lot of people are calling this a Christmas Miracle.

Roscoe got loose at approx. 3:45pm on December 12th.  Reuniting Owners with Animals Missing ROAM  was called in and other organizations and ROAM began putting up posters on all the places he was last seen. He was hit by a car near his place where he was staying and got up and continued running where he was hit further down the road. Once again got to his feet and bolted down a side street. This was the last sighting anyone had for days. Everyone knew he couldn’t have gone far he was bound to have injuries or be sore from the cars hitting him. For 5 days there were no more concrete sightings.  A week after Roscoe had been missing a lady had seen him at 3:00am about 1 mile from where he was last seen. During this time hundreds of volunteers searched night and day all the areas around. Everytime I drove by any of the signs for Roscoe I would pray and cry and pray some more.

The kids at our daycare saw the signs of Roscoe and much conversation evolved from them them and they asked everyday if Roscoe was found. I looked every chance I could get. Lots of people everyday rain or shine searched for Roscoe. Yesterday Dec 22nd a search was organized at the local school and 50 – 60 volunteers came out to look. Each were given maps of the area last seen.  ROAM prepared 100″s of chits and posters to hand out to as many people as possible.  As the ROAM volunteers decided to drive around they got a call from a neighbour nearby, someone had given her a chit and she had a gut feeling that Roscoe was nearby. She took this photo off her balcony and sent it to ROAM who blew it up and you can see it’s Roscoe hiding in the thick bush down 30 feet from this woman’s house in a ravine. 

ROAM asked the lady to ignore him until they got to him. His owners were searching nearby and they hopped into the car to go see him. They had no idea what Shape Roscoe would be in when they got there. His mom and dad were there in minutes. The woman who had called showed the couple to look slowly over the bluff into the ravine. That indeed was Roscoe. His mom made her way slowly through the brambles towards him. She called his name softly, he perked his head up and he got up and trotted over to his mom his tail so excited to see her. His mom said he looked good. His dad and another lady made their way to them.  The Photos are of Roscoe and his mom and dad and as you can see from the photos he does look good. They take him to the animal hospital hospital for tests  and observation and gentle meals. Roscoe had no broken bones or internal damage from being hit by 2 cars. All he had was some abrasions and he had lost 15lbs. Other than that he was given a clean bill of health. Roscoe is a Christmas Miracle.  

Roscoe’s story is a story of love and hope and redemption. He survived huge odds against him. Two car accidents, being lost and scared and nobody have any idea where he was. 10 days is a long time to be missing and he survived many rain storms and 100 mile an hour wind. Roscoe is a survivor he hunkered down and waited for his mom and dad to find him. The photos below show him looking good. The other part of this story is how many people looked for him everyday complete strangers walking day and night, it was the holiday season and instead of doing their own thing they rallied around this family and did not give up until he was found.

It shows me that no matter  what one faces in their lives that God will look after you.  Roscoe you waited out the storms and he survived.  When we feel like giving up remember this story.  Roscoe is now home recovering I bet he had the best Christmas ever.      

 

Now that I’m learning how to cope with life without addiction. Sometimes it can be hard for me. Mental illness still holds a lot of stigma in our comunities. I hate it because it so many of us suffer from it and we hide it or if we speak out about it we are looked upon as weak or we need to just get it together.  I don’t talk about it with my family because if i bring things up I can tell instantly that it’s uncomfortable and haave even been told in times of depression that I need to just snap out of it. Wouldn’t that be awesome if we could snap our fingers and instantly be transformed into happy.

I thought I was doing well dealing with emotions I still don’t like to feel that much but I realized that I won’t die from them and one needs to feel to experience true healing. God uses that pain and it helps me understand more what others experience. Turns out that whenever I have a confrontation with my husband I pick at a wound on my hand. I pick at it until it is throbbing and I never realized that until it happened again on Tuesday night. I’ve never realized that it obviously brings me comfort to some degree despite the throbbing. It also happens when I’m stressed in any way. I do notice I don’t do it at work it’s only something that happens at home. I did mention it to my counselor this week and she told me it’s a form of self harm. I never would have considered that self harm. I think of self harm as cutting or burning but yes picking things is part of it.

I found a good article about adults and self harm today and it  explains it more. It’s from Psychology Today and it’s titled Depression and Non- Sucidal Self injury. I love the title of it When the skin becomes and emotional canvas. It goes on to say most individuals who self-injure have difficulties with emotional expression. That’s exactly what I did in addiction not being able to express emotions so I turned to a way to numb out emotions and pain. It also talks about self-harmers struggle with internal conflicts and may suffer from depression. I do suffer from depression but I take a happy little blue pill as I call it and it helps me a lot. Without it I’m super impulsive and my life will have lots of highs and lows. On it I feel more leveled but I do know lots of stress can be harder.

People who know me well know that I have a husband that is like my roomate. Our marriage is as far away as it could get. I tried many times to reconcile with him but due to many cicumstances it has just fallen by the wayside. When he decides he’s going to leave then I guess our marriage will be over forever. Until then we make it work as best as we can. Sometimes that goes sideways so that’s the stress I am taking about with the picking.  I liked the ways to stop doing it and it’s been really difficult for me this week but I have not touched it this week since Tuesday.  I want to but I’ve not to.

For me I need to work on how I feel about myself and I look. I hate looking in the mirror and avoid full length mirrors at all costs. This morning I signed back up with weight watchers again to lose my weight in a healthy way. I need help and accountability and to hear how others have done on this journey.  As this year closes I look back on this year of a year trying to do things by myself. I did rely on God but always came back full circle to this. Mental illness is real. If you are suffering please don’t do it on your own. There is lots of help out there, talk to your friends about it. We are not asked to walk this life alone we need others and I’m here for you as well. I’m glad I no longer have to do this in darkness, shedding life on it helps it lose a lot of power. 

 

In times of trouble who do you trust? I would like to think I always trusted God but I didn’t. Much of my life I have struggled with addiction, when things got tough I numbed out the pain. For that brief moment I thought things would feel better I guess they do but afterwards I always regretted what I had done. That guilt and shame and saying to myself that I will never do that again ever!!!!! WE know how that turns out. Addiction always leads us back there again.

I  now have  16 months of sobriety and when I feel tempted I stop what i’m doing and Pray to God. Then I write down what I am feeling what are the triggers and I pray about them. I get into God’s word and I reach out to  friend or friends. I often will listen to worship music or I will write in my blog or in my memoirs. Yes I’m writing a book. This is a huge thing that I must trust God in. It’s hard to write about my life growing up and bringing up all that pain, but then I am reminded that this is God’s book and I’m writing it with Him.

I am living life with different eyes  and a different heart. I trust God now more than ever. He’s always been there He’s waiting for us to rely soley on Him for all our needs and trust Him in those times of trouble. ” Be Strong of good courage, Be not afraid, neither be dismayed for the LOrd is with you.”  Joshua 1:9  

Lately I have been feeling inner peace, inner peace that only comes from God when you trust Him with everything.  ” Be still and know I am God.” Psalm 46:6  I trust God with my future, job, finances and everything. I realized recently that Peace is found in Faith.  Faith comes from listening, praying and doing. This is the motto of my good friend Kim Meeder. It’s easy to pray and listen but really hard to do what God wants for us no matter what. I’m still learning how to do this. As my faith grows God gives us boldness to do His will. 

Are we willing to trust Him no matter what it takes? Do we trust that He will provide for us and take care of all our needs? 

 

 

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I have experienced so much shame in my life. Feeling unloved and unwanted by my dad and step mom. They argued about me and my brother all the time. I felt responsible that somehow it was my fault. I was physically , emotionally and sexually abused as a child and felt so much shame from all of that. It was hard enough not being able to tell anyone. When I was sexually abused I was told if I told anyone I would be shot with a gun so I remained quiet. Who would believe me anyways? Shame lives in darkness. 

The kids at school made fun of me for being different. Again I felt much shame from the other kids and even the teachers. Abuse changes a person. It changes how you think, especially how you view yourself. I often thought what if I was a better kid smarter would I feel less of a loser in life, because I felt inadequate most of my life I dragged shame from my childhood into my adolescence and then into adulthood. Shame is huge in addiction, feeling not good enough or smart enough. Fear of looking stupid.

Shame is one big fat lie. It causes us to hide ourselves because shame causes us to hate ourselves we step away from God  not towards Him. When we expose our shame into the light. That becomes the power of truth. That truth my friend is God. He knows all He sees all and He forgives us all. He wants us to come out of hiding and into His grace. He died on the cross to save all our sins. He loves us so much. His love never fails. ” For you were once darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of the light ( for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness righteousness and truth ). Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes light. ”  Ephesians 5: 8-13

The blood of Christ has healed me and I have been set free from all guilt and shame. ” He himself bore our sins in His body on the cross so that we might did to sins , live for righteousness by His wounds you have been healed. ”   1 Peter 2: 24    Shame always made me feel less then. It lead me to choose addiction, because lets face it when you only know shame how much lower could you go. I was wrong addiction sinks one further into this shame. It cripples you to the core of your soul.

Good news we have the power to choose and not feel controlled by shame in our lives. The truth of God’s word brings me freedom and strength. I no longer have to feel shame in my life. I cannot change my past what happened to me, but I can change my future. I used to think that I was helpless, voiceless, powerless, useless and my life was meaningless. A victim poor me, because of what happened to me. Now I have a voice no longer will I remain silent. I was a prisoner of shame too long. 

I read recently read that nothing is as powerful as a mind made up. A mind made up ahead of time has the power to control the way your day goes and how your life goes.  I have that power to control who I become. I think my biggest trip up in this life is my mind. I need to manage it or it will manage me. I need to renew my mind. This is not an easy task for me at all, but when I do it will bring much peace and healing. ” Therefore I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, His good, pleasing and perfect will. ”  Romans 12: 1 -2 

I am learning how much God loves me how He accepts me and what He wants for me in my life. All I ever listened to was Satan’s lies. Lies about who I was and am. All the negatives in my life. The biggest lies for me was that I was a big failure, a disappointment, that I was dumb and stupid and constantly being told that I would never amount to anything. All the rejection and worthlessness. I am done listening to all the lies. I only listen to God’s truth . God is beginning to heal my broken heart and soul and already is renewing my mind in His truth. I attend church regularly, becoming part of a great community, joined an awesome online recovery group with amazing Godly women. I’m learning all about God’s grace and His truth and studying God’s word which arms me everyday with those much needed scriptures. My mind is being renewed day by day. I’m changing my thoughts which will direct my life. 

I’ve started writing out scriptures on post it notes to remind me everyday those truths. When lies come and they will I need to hold every thought captive. I also need to remember the opposite of those lies. When my past screams I am hopeless, I am useless, I’m not good enough, I will never measure up. I need to tell myself the truth………………I am alive in Christ. Ephesians 2:5.   I am a new creature in Christ. 2 Cors 5:17. I can do all things through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:13. I am greatly loved by God. Romans 1:7. So many good ones I need  to write them out and memorize them.

Lastly, I want to be a voice for woman everywhere that feel or have felt this shame. There is freedom from it. There is hope when we turn to God and trust Him. Are you willing to change and renew your mind today? I am.