For those of you who don’t live in Canada this weekend is our Thanksgiving holiday. I have so much gratitude in my heart. So many blessings I have in my life. When things are rough or I’m feeling sad the best way to move forward from that for me is to count my blessings. I’ve come through a year of being on my own and even though it was hard at times I wouldn’t change what God had shown me through my grief and pain. I’ve become a much Stronger woman and I finally am able to look in the mirror and not grimise at what I see. I’m learning to love myself and I’m so thankful for that. My self esteem is the best it has even been. That’s huge for me. I’m thankful for who God has made me to be.

I’m so thankful for my family it’s been a tough year for my mom as my step dad has dementia. Our family has grown closer because of it. It’s so hard on my mom to watch her husband decline. I’m thankful that I get to hang out with him while my mom has a much needed break. I just make our time we have together the best I can.

I’m so thankful for all my friends. I have the best ones. I love being able to have coffee and hang out and laugh and have fun. One of my core friends has breast cancer and I’m thankful to be able to help her and encourage her through her journey. Our prayers are working for her. I’m so thankful for new friends I’ve found and who God puts in my life for a time. Friendship is the best.

I’m so Thankful for me new job. So thankful for all the kindergarten children I get to be with each day. To laugh with them, to comfort them when they fall or are frustrated or sad. I get to sit with them on a bench and help them feel safe. My new job is so much better than being an Educational Assistant. My role in the children’s life is a nurturing role and I’m able to do early intervention. I get to work with an amazing teacher who has taught me a lot of things already. I love my role at the school I can use all my skills and experience. Children are such a precious gift. I’m thankful to be part of it. ❤️

I have so many blessings in my life I’m thankful for them all even the ones that are ending. Through out all my experiences God is always there and for that I’m eternally grateful. You should try it if your feeling down or sad make a short list of all the things your grateful for.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY CANADIAN FRIENDS 🦃😊

Ugh not felt these feelings in a long time. I had forgotten what it felt like. When it came my first reaction was to run away and not deal with it, but that only hurts myself. I can’t believe how much pain I felt in my heart like losing your best friend even though we are not friends. I understand in my head why it can’t be, but my heart is filled with huge emotions that I can’t shut off. I think there must be underlining things going on to have this HUGE reaction of emotion.

Rejection used to be an emotion that crippled me and made me act out in addiction. Today it hurts yes but that all. This reaction makes me realize how much it hurt when my husband left. The old Sarah would have blamed herself but today this is not on me. He chose to leave on his own I did Everything I could to work on our Marriage. He’s been gone a year it’s been hard I won’t fluff that up but I also have learned a lot of things about myself and where yes I failed in my Marriage most of it through my own brokenness.

With the guidence of the Lord I can work through these things and come out better on the other side. There will be more times of me feeing rejection from others because we can’t put all our stock in humans. I will let people down things like this will happen it will trigger rejection but it no longer consumes my life and I can now deal with it in Healthy ways. Today I will be extra kind to myself as I feel fragile but that will pass. God is my comforter and my rock. He helps soothe my pain and as we grow in things that maybe really uncomfortable we know we are never alone no matter what is happening.

This morning I was reading the newsletter for the ranch in Oregon and how a horse had been rescued from abuse and how this horse changed so many lives and how this horse brought healing to those who came to see it. Ele was one of the first horses rescued by now what is called Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. For 25 years she became a pillar of hope to so many. Recently she died quickly and left a void in many that loved her. It’s often very painful to let go of something you love so much.

Kim Meeder one of the founders of the ranch, I loved what she said. Years ago God gave her a picture that every horse that dies turns snowy white as they approach the King of Kings. She says that in Revelation 19:11-16 speaks of Jesus returning on a white horse with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords written on His thigh. He is followed by countless armies of heaven who are all riding white horses. That makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. That’s such a humbling account that God gave her.

For me for a long time it was so hard to trust people because they hurt me so much. It’s so hard to open up your life to love when all it brings is hurt and pain. For a long time people would try to get close to me and I would push them away, because then it would hurt less but it often only hurt me. I vowed never to let anyone else in and kept up huge walls. We all get hurt my people somewhere along the way. The only person who doesn’t hurt us is Christ. He loves us just the way we are. Even though love can hurt there is much freedom in love ❤️

We all want to know someone loves us for who we are. Love can be so beautiful but it also can be so painful. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to fall in love and even though my marriage is over and it hurt a lot and I still grieve sometimes, I do know God has me right in the palm of His hands. I also know there are a lot of people in my life who love me.

I didn’t know Ele super well but I do know she touched many many lives. Some of the horses I connected with at the ranch are Hero. He has an Amazing story read his story here. I also love Phoenix. https://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/who-we-are/our-herd/?p=2

I can blog more about these two horses next time how I related to each of them. Love is such a powerful thing. Reach out to someone today and love on them and take a risk because love can be such a wonderful thing. ❤️

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Peter and I went to Gaelic camp in Donegal which is in the West of Ireland. It is very picturesque and very rugged on the coast of Ireland. Maddie and Russ sent us there to learn more Gaelic. It was a summer camp but I was too young to go, but because Peter my brother was there they made an exception for me. He was supposed to keep an eye on me. The kids at the camp were so much older than I was and I was bullied lots. The older girls made me do things I didn’t want to do but if I didn’t they threatened to beat me up. I already was a sacred nervous child so I just did what they wanted. I was pushed off a ledge outside into a bed of nettles and I was covered in welts. I had to sit with Calame lotion it made your skin white when you put it on. It felt better in the welts. I didn’t dare tell anyone what had really happened.

I did tell Peter but he was busy with the people he had met. He didnt have time for me and did not want me hanging around him. Besides that happening I loved being there and the girls stopped bugging me after the nettle incident. Maybe it was a test who knows. We were expected to speak Gaelic whenever we ate our meals. If you wanted someone to pass you something you had to speak it in Gaelic. I can remember asking for butter which is im. Ara’n is bread and Stobhach is stew.

Whenever we went in the local shops a lot of the locals still just speak Gaelic we had to speak the language. The locals would not speak to us in English that’s tough when your a small timid kid. Also hard when they told you the price in Gaelic so you would just give them money.

Donegal is known for its surfing, fishing, rock climbing and hiking. There are huge cliffs that are breathtaking. It’s nicknamed the forgotten county because of its isolation. The cliffs of Mohor are the largest sea cliffs in Europe. Donegal is the home to Star Wars it was filmed in Ireland. Also its famous for its tweed. Hand weaved.

This week was my first week of school since the end of January this year. I’ve been out of school for 8 months. I was nervous about going back because I had not been in so long. I was put in the same school for 3 weeks which is nice. My job because I don’t have a permanent job is on call and that can mean a different school each day. Was not sure how that would work with Covid. I got put in a school right near my home. It’s also a school where I know a bunch of the students because where I worked before. A lot of them where in my preschool.

I had a busy job this week I was in two 4/5 split classes and then for 45 minutes a day I helped a child with autism. I got chosen to work with him because of my resume. It’s a child not just anyone works with him. I loved working with him so much and he’s such a happy child. I’d never worked with a child that had this much autism. Even though he was in his own world a lot, I quickly realized he heard what I asked him. One of my favorite times was after his lunch playtime his class read books. I read him a Dr. Susse book. It’s funny one day I started where I had left off the day before and he quickly put me back at the beginning. He’d sit and I’d read to him for 15 minutes. At first I was really nervous about working with him but he quickly responded to me and I Could tell he liked and trusted me.

The other children were really sad today that it was my last day. In a week I got to know them. A great group of children and I had an amazing teacher that made my days so much better. I loved how she made each child feel really special and how she included each of them. She told me that why I connected so easily with the children is because I have compassion from my heart and so I connect with each of them. I told her that’s how you teach. At the end of school today she told me how much she’d miss me and the children were all sad. I did tell them that in the Spring I will come back and do a baby bunny project with them. I hope on one of my Fridays I can go back and sub there.

As I’ve written before I love working with the children so much. I realized why I work as an EA. Everyone of those children are someone special and unique no matter who they are. God has given me huge compassion for them. The boy with autism I just treated him like everyone else. Next week I start a new job working as an Early childhood educator in a Kindergarten. Early intervention is key to helping children. That is my new role, I look forward to getting to know two classes. I will miss my big kids but looking forward to being with the young ones again.

https://www.cheknews.ca/voices-in-motion-unveils-fundraising-childrens-book-written-about-memory-loss-695245/

This young girl wrote this book about dementia for a school project at a local school at 15. This is the same choir where my mom and dad attend. The choir is made up of young and old together singing. I read this book today and wow it’s very powerful. This young girl wrote from her experiences in the choir. She knew nothing about dementia before she came. Her book has touched many in our community and many can relate to what she wrote. She also illustrated the book as well. I’m definitely going to buy a copy.

Today I went back to hang out with my dad again today. My mom was getting her hair cut so I picked him up and took him back to his home. One of my favorite things to do now is to listen to his records. All the old stuff and things that just don’t sound the same on a cd. As I’ve written before music is incredible for people with dementia. One of the records we played today was called Classical Cats and it was such a fun record. The first time we listened to it my dad was like a kid he was so excited about and loved it so much. He even knew what some of the songs were.

We took a break and had lunch and after lunch he decided to go back to his music. Interestingly he decided to listen to Classical Cats and he was unsettled about it and it was not fun like last time but he found it loud and half way through took it off and put it away. Hard to believe he loved it an hour before. My favorite time is hanging out listening to music with him. Everytime he tells the same story to him it’s a new story and he’s super excited about it. As I wrote last time we go on what he’s thinking and feeling right at that moment.

This book is such a great resource and I’m looking forward to owning my own copy. For people out there who know people with dementia this is such a wonderful book.

Last weekend I spent time again with my dad. As I’ve written before he has dementia and I go hang out with him while my mom gets a break. She’s also getting respite and time out to have fun. This time around I was way more laid back because I knew what to do and what to expect. Now my dad is never left alone because he wandered off and got lost and my mom was able to track him off his GPS he wears. It’s not like I have to do much he’s very capable he just needs a companion.

On Saturday morning we hung out together and he read the paper well one story about 10 times I heard about it and each time we discussed it and we are breakfast together and then we talked about church and he told me that that’s not for him but he loves to help others. I told him my church is a community church and that’s exactly what we do we help each other and others and need help. He liked the sound of that. He said that’s what church is about not any of that religious stuff. We then talked about the ranch that I love so much in Oregon and how it’s my second home. He told me he loves Oregon and if he had to leave his home he’d move there. When I shared about the story of how the ranch began he cried in fact cried so much he had to leave.

Eventually we each got dressed and I was coming out of my room and my dad was in the hallway and he said to me ” Good morning did you sleep well?” I became sad that he did not remember the wonderful conversations we had that morning and I realized that I need to make his time now the best for him. All he has is living in the moment.

God also saved both of us from getting run over on the crosswalk near his home. At the time he said wow that was scary. It was indeed my heart pounded a lot. By the time we got home he had no memory of what happened. I was thinking yup I’d like to have forgotten that as well. We shared some awesome moments this weekend. We were driving home from dinner and he told me that I had grown into a very special lady. He may not have given birth to me but he’s my dad in all ways and he loves me as his daughter. I will continue to go and stay and hang out as long as I can. He’s a very special man in my life. I get to help my mom for a couple hours this weekend so we get to hang out again.

One more awesome thing I want to share is he loves music so much. He’s got all his favorites on record and so we listen to his favorites often. He’s funny he told me he found the records when they moved to this house and couldn’t find their owners so he kept them. They were the best thing about his home. I just smile. He’s got a good ear and often will tell me it’s too much base or its tiney. Music is so good for people with dementia. Until next time dad 🎶🎧❤️

For those who don’t me I grew up in Ireland. I lived there for 12 years. Ireland is a very beautiful place to live in. The beauty that surrounds this country is breathtaking. I lived in the Southern part of Ireland. When I lived in Ireland it was a poorer country so I saw a lot of crime. I remember going into Dublin and my dad getting stressed because if you were gone long enough you could come back to your vehicle stipped down completely and sometimes set on fire. Dublin was full of pickpockets back then. Tinkers were homeless people who travelled around in caravans they just camped wherever. They stole and left garbage everywhere they went.

These stone walls are everywhere in Ireland they are just stones stacked to make walls. Throughout the Countryside there are lots of old ruins of castles. Some you can go in some just shells of the ruins. The Countryside of Ireland is so beautiful. Thatched cottages and different coloured homes in each County.

Cathedrals are a huge part of Ireland and they are so beautiful inside. I always loved the unique strained glass windows.

Catholics and Protestants were the religion. I always said I was nothing or you’d be beat up by the kids. I went to a private school near Dublin and there was a Catholic school right beside us. The kids there were taught by nuns and they would wait for us and throw rocks at us and call us names. No religion was safer.

Donegal is so beautiful and my brother and I went to a Garlic camp where we went to improve our Gaelic. Today the people some still only speak Gaelic. I did learn a lot and it was a subject we had to take in school. Donegal is in the West of Ireland.

Dublin is the capital of Ireland and now its a huge tourist attraction. There are many sites to see. I remember as a kid Pope John Paul Coming to St. Stephens Green in Dublin. As kids we had no idea what he was saying as he spoke in Latin. I can remember running through people’s legs as they listened to what he said.

This is part of what I’m writing in my memoirs. I’ve not written it yet. I found these awesome photos off the internet. They are not mine. I would love to go back to Ireland one day a lot of my school friends live there still. One of good friends lives there with her husband. There was not much exploration as a kid. I will go back and sightsee. I’ve not been back since 1988 it will have changed a lot. I have 3 siblings who live there as well. God sure has changed my heart as I never wanted to go back. I look forward to that day. 🙂

I love when you least expect it God tells you now it’s time. He told me it’s time to begin writing my memoirs again. I’ve not written in it or on it for a long time. Now I’m in a totally different mindset. My goal is to write something every day. I printed out the pages and have been editing it and adding more information.

For a long time I wanted to publish this book but my motivation was all wrong. I wanted the book to punish the people who had hurt me. Now I want to write about my life and my healing journey along the way. This book is my journey with the Lord. This story is raw because you can’t pretty it up. I’ve written from the heart but what I love about it is the healing I’ve had Along the way. I want it to encourage others and give them hope that no matter what you have endured in your life there is freedom.

If I’m quiet on here it’s probably because I’m writing. I still want to blog while I write because blogging is a big part of my life. Recently I just celebrated 3 years of sobriety from addiction. Wow I never thought I’d ever be able to write this. It’s from having a God who always forgave me when I stumbled. It’s also from having an amazing support team. For that I’m entirely grateful. I still have support in place and will probably for the rest of my life. Accountability is huge in my life and is what helps me stay in Freedom everyday.

I may put in excerpts into my blog from my book I’ve not decided yet but I think it would be good for my readers to know what the book is about. Let me know if you would like that. I’m also asking for prayer as it’s not an easy book to write. It’s been hard already. Thanks I appreciate all your support in reading my blogs so far.

Wow today is such a different day than 3 years ago. For a long time I felt such shame and unworthiness in my life. It seemed to creep into my life often sometimes with no warning. To stop that feeling I would use addiction as a way to numb out the feelings. Today I don’t feel that and I know I am so worthy in God’s eyes.

Jesus touched those who were unclean those who often carried shame. He let the prostute wash His feet with oil. I love that story so much. He healed the lepers and told the blind man to walk. Jesus loved everyone even the people who felt unlovable.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Ephesians 2:10.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 1 Peter 2:9.

Our God is a God of love and compassion by speaking out when you feel unworthy or Shameful. God shines His Light on it and for me reading God’s truth reminded me everyday that I AM SO WORTHY. One of the things I still do often is listen to worship music and pray. I no longer feel that feeling. Do you struggle with shame and unworthiness? Reach out to God read His word and find the truth. God’s truth sets us free. Ask God for a covering of Grace.

Recently a gal I know was feeling these feelings and was having a tough time. I asked her to write down 10 things she was thankful for. She was able to see God’s promises and those feelings disappeared. I still write in my journal my gratuities and it changes how you feel. I challenge you today to write down 10 things that your so grateful for………