Author: walking in freedom

A really nice man came to my house yesterday and he came to fix my internet. He asked me questions about my internet. He was thinking of moving to BC from Alberta and was looking for good middle schools here. I told him what he was looking for is hard unless he goes to a private school. We talked about schools for a bit. Then he asked me was I the only one who lived in my house and I said yes me and my dog. He said to me why is a nice woman like me was alone.

I told him I’m not alone in my life at all. I have a great job and around lots of people and I have lots of friends and family in my life. I also have the Lord and with Him in your life you are never alone. I’m not sure if he was a believer but he nodded at me. Even though I don’t have a husband in my life or someone else you are never alone with Christ. People come and go but Christ always stays the same yesterday, today and always.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says ” Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid, because the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:10 says ” Fear not for I am with you, so not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my righteous hand.” Being alone to a non Christian person looks a lot different then a believer.

Two of my friends this weekend renewed their vows. It was a beautiful humble experience. I loved their vows that no matter what happens in life how hard marriage can be they will stand together with each other and each one of us who came. They forgave each other for how they had wronged in the marriage. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not Envy, it does not boast it is never proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoice in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always preserves. LOVE NEVER FAILS. “

I love these verses so much. So don’t ever think because you don’t have that special person in your life that you are alone. We are never alone in Christ. Love never fails.

This is a poem that George MacDonald wrote :

Do not hurry as you walk in grief, it does not help the journey

Walk slowly pausing often: do not hurry as you walk in grief.

Be not disturbed by memories that come unbidden.

Swiftly forgive, and let Christ speak to you unspoken words. Unfinished conversation, will be resolved in Him. Be not disturbed.

Be gentle with the one who walks with grief. If it is you, be gentle with yourself. Swiftly forgive, walk slowly, pausing often.

Take time be gentle as you walk with grief.

As I struggle with grief it hits when you least expect it. It overwhelmes me and takes my breath away. I’m struggling again it gets easier as time goes on and the grief seems less and less. The last two days I feel like depression is creeping in and I feel so overwhelmed at work. I feel like I’m in a daze as I work with the children in the schools I go to.

I find myself second guessing myself am I supposed to be doing this job and then a child smiles or calls my name. I’m making those connections. That is what gives me a glimmer of hope each day. I found this poem today and realized I cannot rush my grief. I need to walk slowly pausing often and to be gentle with myself and not so critical.

This is also the first time I’m experiencing emotions sober without addiction. That is hard for me. Grief is painful and it hurts. I’m so glad I’m going through this grief without addiction. Crying is good and tears come often. I find myself leaning close to the Lord. He is my comforter, my strength and I look to Him in His word.

Everyday gets a bit easier for now it’s hard. Thank you Lord for all you do for me. As well as the Lord he’s put incredible awesome people into my life. I’m grateful for each and everyone of them.

I saw this video today of Steve Harvey how he never lost faith in his dreams, how he never gave up no matter how impossible it seemed. This video is very moving.

I had no idea Steve Harvey lived in parking lots in his car with thirty five dollars in his pocket. Look who he is now.

I’m here to tell you life can be really rough and hard. My dream is to be the best person I can be helping others who have struggles. God has given me a gift of compassion a gift of understanding and a gift of loving others.

Last year I switched careers to work in the school system to help children that struggle. I see many of them like I was as a child and one of my best memories as a kid was the kind compassionate teachers and people who came into my life. They did not care who I was, or what I looked like. They were just there.

I find myself being like that. I can reconize children who are hungry or withdrawn. I find myself reaching out to those with autism and I’m connecting one child at a time. God made my heart so huge that these small children are learning to trust. Trust was huge in my life when there was nothing stable in it. I realized these past 4 months there is so much more to me then I could imagine.

As I embrace this new life it’s hard financially as I took a cut in pay. I’ve had to trust that God will provide and He does. As I wait for that job I’m wanting I’m learning a lot about myself and others.

I also have a huge heart for people that need hope and encouragement in their lives. I’m so thankful for my compassion that God has given me. I always thought my past was a curse now I realize it equipped me for my life.

Don’t give up on your dreams no matter what they are. Keep striving for what it is God intended for you to do. Keep trusting in Him. He’s got it all in His hands.

Many of you know I worked for two and a half years with a boy who had been in a drowning when he was 7 months old. His mom and him ended up in a fast moving river in which she drowned and this boy was found face down in the river for about thirty minutes they believe. It was a cold day in the end of January and the cold river shut down the boys body which help him survive.

Firefighters rescued him from that river. We are coming up to the five year anniversary of that day. The boy was airlifted to children’s hospital where he was put into a coma to help his body from the trauma. The incident rocked the community where he lived. It changed many lives forever.

Recovery was slow but this boy fought hard to stay alive. He survived but because he was face down in the water they think for about 30 minutes he suffered with brain damage. His family gathered together trying to make sense of what had happened. The father lost his wife and now his son has brain damage. How do you move on from that.

By God’s grace this family had to move forward. The little boy grew and laughed lots and loved music. When he was two and a half I was given the privilege of working with him and his family. Even though he had lived through this tragedy there was so much he could not do. He needed someone to help him always. His speech and fine motor skills were effected and when I met him he didn’t realize there was a whole world outside of him. When we went out for a walk he only focused on walking. He didn’t see the cars, trucks or anything.

My job was to help him in his daily life at daycare. He was a very shy little boy and I worked with him in his routines. I helped him move forward in so many areas of his life. He couldn’t do hardly anything when I met him. With a amazing team of therapists he came with I put into place all that they wanted me to do. Repition was huge. We stuck to our routine and we worked and worked on the same things and eventually it would click and we could move on.

I taught him how to be independent washing his hands, toilet training that took 7 months. His balance was not good when I met him to now being so good and strong. We worked on fine motor and gross motor skills. When things were hard for him I always told him it’s hard now but when you practice them it becomes easier. There was nothing this boy would not try and his perseverance was amazing.

I got him ready for kindergarten and even his speech had improved so much. He uses a touch chat program to help him communicate with others. Before he left my care his dad and family asked me to be part of their lives. Wow what a gift that is indeed. I see him as much as much as I want and in 4 months he’s got so many more words and clearly speaks them.

Just before Christmas his dad sent me a video of him saying my name for the first time ever. I was brought to tears wow. A couple of days ago I was visiting and he now says my name so clearly and even whines my name. He says to me Hi Sarah. That boy has come leaps and bounds in 5 years. He is a miracle what God has done in his life and continues to do.

My greatest gift is having this boy and his family in my life. I love this boy so much. He has taught me so many things in my life. Never giving up is one of them. His perseverance shines so brightly. I pray that God continues to help him speak more and that He continues to guide him in his life.

Many of us think of a new year with resolutions and goals we may want to achieve in a new year. I myself have been caught in this reflecting on the past year and things I want to change for this year.

I saw a post on a friend’s Facebook about words of inspiration for 2020 every year her and her daughter come up with at least 3 words for their year. This year she put a scripture with her word. I thought this was an awesome idea.

My word I think of this year is Perseverance. I chose this word because my biggest goal this year I want to work on is gaining my seniority at work so that I can return to the school that I love so much. Perseverance in building that relationship I want with God. Perseverance not giving up when things are hard and tough.

This is the scripture I chose to go with my word. We can only fix our eyes on Him and obey what He has for us in this life. Life can be hard but perseverance will always get us through it.

I thought about other words and another word I chose is Joy. When a person is going through Grief it’s sometimes hard to have joy. Joy for me means seeking out the simple things in life. Children playing and laughing. Stopping to smell the roses more often. Laughter for me is huge. I have a really good sense of humor and realized that I could use it in school to help the kids. I’m looking forward to what joy brings me this year.

My last word for the year is Gratitude. There is so much to be grateful for. Over the years I have written in a journal what I’m grateful for but not done it in a long time. Everyday I’m committed to reading scriptures and during that time I will list one thing I’m grateful for. I love gratitude so much.

What words will make up your year this year? I would love to hear yours or anything else that helps you this year.

As I sit here and reflect on my year, it started out well. I was still working at the YMCA with G and preparing him for Kindergarten. I still had a lot more work to do with him before he was ready to go to school. Work kept me really busy. In May I applied for the Victoria School District to become an Educational Assistant in September. I really wanted to work with children that needed extra help and my profession could not give me what I wanted. Nobody can keep working with special needs children with no benefits, no sick time and 4% holiday pay. I made a hard decision to leave my field when the boy I was working with went to school. Many of my friends have also left the field and gone into the school system.

In June I turned 50 and headed off to Bend, Oregon to celebrate with my good friend Rachel and my friends at the ranch. Rachel was turning 40 so we combined our birthday’s together and I was blessed beyond my wildest dreams. My really good friend who runs Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch took me and her assistant to Sparks Lake. They blessed me so much I had never Kayaking before and they took me to this amazing lake. Sparks Lake was formed when the lavas from Mt. Bachelor Volcanic chain blocked the Deschutes River. The Lake is very shallow to being very deep in parts. It is surrounded by South Sister mountain, broken top and Mt. Bachelor. Around the lake is surrounded by meadow, marsh and wetlands. While I was on the lake I was able to see a bald eagle take a fish from an osprey flying away with it’s fish. THe eagle swooped down and took the fish and flew up in the tree. It truly was an amazing sight.

I also had an opportunity to kayak on another lake called Clear lake. You could see trees from under the lake and even though it was really deep you could see these trees below the water. The lava from an volanic erruption scorched the forest redirecting the flow of the river creating Clear Lake. There is an ancient forest below the lake below very blue in color the lake. Apparently the lake is one of the best spots for divers to come to. Clear Lake is surrounded by the Casade Mountains.

I also got to stay on the ranch in a old box car that is now transformed into a rustic western cabin. At first I was not so sure about staying here as its at the back of the ranch and well I’m a city girl. My first night I lay in bed and listened to the frogs croak on the pond and in the distance I could hear wolves howl. The view in the morning was breathtaking and the sunsets at night were spectular. This was on my bucket list to sleep on the ranch and my friend Tim made sure that this was possible for me.

What an amazing birthday and I was so blessed by the very special friends I have in my life. I came back and watched the boy I worked with make huge strides in his life and graduate from his preschool class and now he’s ready to go to kindergarten. I worked with him for two and and a half years and watched this boy grow and learn in huge strides.

In September I started my new job and I have to tell you that I realized I have so amny more skills then I ever knew I had. I love it and love being able to help children that need that extra help. I realized having a good sense of humor helps so much with bilding trust with the students. I was blessed being able to work in the same school for three months with the same children. I had never worked with a child with autism and got to know one of the children at the school and I loved spending time with him. He made that part of my day so great and I looked forward to our time that we shared. I learned so much from him and all the other students. Unfortunately I don’t have enough seniority and had to leave at the end of school.

I did tell the principal and the staff that I get my seniority and I can come back to that school. It was so nice to feel like I belonged and all the staff and children enjoyed having me in their classes. I told the children it was not goodbye and I would be able to come back and work. I told them other children needed me to come to their school and help them. God used me in the school so much and I was told when I was leaving about how I had such a good positive attitude and always was smiling. I will be back!!!!

The last three months have been really tough for me. My husband left to go live in the US. It’s been hard on me, but even though it’s been tough I have seen God using me at school and with people in my life. He’s looked after me well and has placed many people in my life. I have an exceptional church and I saw people come together to help me in my grief. They cooked meals for me and brought me words of encouragement and hope to me. I’m so grateful for each and everyone of those woman and for the lady that set it all up.

My car died and I was blessed to find an awesome vehicle which I had to find on my own. That was a huge experience all on it’s own but now super blessed by that. Two months ago I had to put my cat down due to heart disease and that was very hard and even through all the pain and grief it helped me draw closer to HIm. Christmas was amazing and wishing you all a Happy New Year. No matter what kind of year you had I paray in those times you choose to turn to te Lord. Draw close to Him, he’s waiting for us. I still have tears occasionally but everyday I have the strength to do what the Lord wants for me to do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY READERS……………………..THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING ME AND NEXT YEAR I WILL GO BACK TO WRITING MORE.

Lately I have felt so blessed by so many people and things in my life. I’m in a big transition in my life right now. My husband of 19 years left to move to North Carolina. He left five weeks ago and well I have to admit it has been hard at times. 19 years is a large chunk of your life to married to anyone. My husband wanted to be back in the US and yes he wanted me to go with him, I couldn’t go. I believe I’m supposed to stay here with my family, job and my friends.

After he was gone I needed another vehicle as my suv was having a head gasket issues and I needed to find something more reliable. I looked for a month test drove, chatted with people and got vehicles looked at by my mechanic. Finally I found one and it needed some work so I asked for a price reduction on the vehicle so I could get it fixed. The lady she fixed the ball joint issue, put on two front tires and replaced the battery. She blessed me so much and now I have the best vehicle. It’s a 2007 Hyundai Santa fe. It is in immaculate condition and I did good. I’ve never had air now I do. I am so grateful that this woman came into my life and blessed me with such a fine car.

Since my husband has been gone I got a temporary position at an amazing school. I have wonderful teachers and incredible students. I love my little school a lot. I’ve been praying that I can get a continuing position that comes up right now. Ive been praying that God wants me to be at this school. I just want to be where He wants me to be. I’m learning so many great things here. If it’s suppose to be then it will happen and I feel peace about it and I know that peace only comes from the Lord.

” Let your gentleness be evident to all. The LOrd is near…………….And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillippians 4:7

All my friends and family have gathered around me and I feel very loved thank you all. On the weekend my friend Ruth came by and helped me clean up all my leaves from my front lawn. I felt I had just moved them from one pile to the next. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going when I felt like giving up. I also was able to sell my suv this weekend as well.

During the first two weeks ladies from my church dropped off meals and encouraged me and wow was I ever blessed so much. Though the grief it was nice to know I was well taken care of. Today I read a piece on grief and heartbreaking hardships about them being so painful. It talked about how God allows our hearts to be stretched out of our comfort zone and how this pain can be used for His glory. During these times we realize that faith and hope go hand in hand and when hope is low, faith has the ability to back you up. When we allow God to build up our hope and faith during frief He can turn it into HIs glory and help us minister to others. When we are being stretched we must remember God will show His power and to those who come in your life. God uses everything for HIs glory. I love this nothing is wasted.

I realized that I can get through anything with Christ in my life and a network of awesome people in my life. I need to keep writing and not stop and my grief will keep working in my life and lives will continue to change no matter where I am. Those precious children I work with keep me on my toes in so many ways but loving it all.

So many blessings so many small things keep me smiling and grateful everyday. What are you grateful for today?

Grief is hard no matter what is happening in ones life. My husband left to move away and live out his dreams. He wanted me to go with him but for many reasons I don’t want to go. So he is gone and I am here. I’ve been having a hard time with it. I’m in the throws of grief. My heart feels broken and life just seems to be passing me by. I’m having a hard time with things like church. I feel overwhelmed lots. Last weekend I was downstairs in the church basement having potluck after the service and people all happy and chatting away and laughing. I felt like I was just not even there.

Grief effects people in so many ways for me it’s been making me really sad and that overwhelmed feeling and feeling like I just need quiet and not have to deal with too much of anything. My body physically aches and I feel exhausted. Today has been a bit better. Work is great and distracts me from what is happening. Today my heart does not feel as bad and day by day as long as I look after me will get better and better. I have recieved so many messages texts phone calls and prayers. Even though Larry is gone I feel peace I know that peace is from the Lord.

I sure do have a lot of amazing people in my life. I am a blessed woman. I love how people come together when someone needs something. My church group I belong to has started a meal train for me and so people will bring me food. That in it’s self is such a blessing. It’s hard to make food while in grief. God has promised that He will never leave us no matter what. Even in grief I see God’s grace and goodness around me and I see that so much in the children at the school I’m at right now. One boy this morning said he was thankful that I could come into his classroom and help out. This boy was in grade two. I watched another boy with autism I help him while his worker goes on her break. He was laughing at something I was doing with the magnets. This laugh just melted my heart. God is using these little people to heal my heart from pain.

No matter what is happening God will use this time for His good and His glory. I’m in the best hands possible. Grief will become less and less and healing will continue and I will be sad less. I have an amazing crazy labradoodle in my life and he makes me smile often. Zeke you are an awesome dog.

Thank you to all those who continue to walk beside me in this difficult time. I appreciate you all very much.

I love the faith that my friends who really know me tell me. Those who know me well have told me to apply to the school district and work as an Educational Assistant. I was unsure even after working a couple of weeks. Needs are high in the schools and I often felt helpless on how to help these children. My new job did a big turn a round this past week. I was able to work four days in the same school. I was with a boy who had a lot of anger issues and could be quite unpredictable. For a young boy he had a lot of things going on for him. I loved the class and knew two of the students in there right a way so that was nice. Both of them I had taught in my preschool class. I was in a split class kindergarten and grade one. I felt at home immediately.

The boy I worked with I started to get to know him and hung out with him lots. I also got to stay with him all week and his class. I loved how the teacher taught her students with rhymes for how to make letters. I also got to know the children in the class and was able to help them out so much. On the third day of working with him and helping him out we were walking down the hallway and he reached out for my hand to hold on to it. He was starting to trust me and know that I was there for him no matter what. I realized that my job is about a lot of compassion and understanding and building relationships. Without those relationships those children are not going to be able learn. They want to know they are cared for no matter what. I felt sad I had to leave the school on Friday, but know that I can do this and compassion is huge. I was also told by many including the prinicipal how calm I was and how I had made a big difference in this boy’s life this past week.

The principal also told me that there would be a position coming up for twenty hours and that’s how many people get their foot in the door. Not only did I help this boy out I also felt like I belonged at the school . I realized that there is a bigger part of being an EA and I know I have what it takes, so I need to remember that when things get tough. So far since I have started I have been told many times how calm and great with the children. I’m so glad God gave me a huge heart for those that need care and compassion.

Even though my blogs on my memoirs were hard for people to read I took them down so that I can learn how to write them in a different format. I know from all the things I experienced as a child made me into the person I am today.

Recently while I was down at the beach with my company from out of town I sat on a log and watched this heron. He waited very patiently for that right fish. It was facinating to watch. The heron stood very still waiting. People were coming and going on the beach but it was like he had tuned out the whole world to wait so quietly.

AS I sat I thought about my relationship with the Lord. God wants us to come to him and sit quietly so that we can hear what it is that He wants for us. He wants us to tune out the world and all the distractions so that He is our main focus. My life is very busy right now and no matter how busy it is I still have time to sit with him quietly. I pray everyday on my way to work as I have to do a fair bit of driving to get to my jobs.

Then right at the right time the heron gets the fish and eats it and goes back and continues looking for that right fish again. God wants us to sit and wait for Him just like this heron. Without this food this heron would die, without our food through reading the word and praying our salvation would die as well. We are not much different then this magnificent bird.

This has been a big reminder to me lately when things get tough for me. Even throughout the stress last week I could feel God walking beside me. Along the same lines as the beach one of my favorite stories is about a person walking on the beach. In the dream he noticed two sets of footprints one belonged to him the other to Jesus. As he looked at his life he noticed only one set of footprints. At the lowest parts of his life and the saddest parts there was only one set. He was really bothered by that and asked the Lord ” Lord you said that when I follow you, you’d walk with me. I have noticed that in the hardest times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand that when I needed you the most you were not there.” The LOrd replied ” MY PRECIOUS CHILD, I LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. DURING YOUR TIME OF TRIALS AND SUFFERING, WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS. IT WAS BECAUSE I CARRIED YOU.”

No matter what is going on in our lives God is always there for us. Please do not lose faith. I’m glad to have this reminder with this heron and the footprints poem. Reach out to someone. I have a whole ton of people I can reach out to. My friend Ruth told me this weekend that I have a person for everything in my life. Find someone whom you trust and reach out. Do something good for yourself and remember YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!!