Author: walking in freedom

My blog was selected by a panel of feedspot as one of the top 100 Addiction blogs on the web. I was given this at the end of August and just wanted to thank everyone for this honor. Thank you to all those who have liked my blogs and commented on them. This journey of addiction has been a tough journey, but in sobriety a very rewarding one. I want to continue to share my stories with you all.

One of the biggest things in recovery has been listening to others share their journeys and what has helped them. I write and share what is on my heart and what God has done and is doing in my life. God continues to lead me wherever I go and whatever I do in my life. As many of you know life is quite busy and hectic that is why I have not been blogging but when my new job settles down then I can get back to writing. I miss it when I don’t write. Below is the link that shows the Top 100 Addiction Blogs. There is help out there for those that still struggle.

• http://blog.feedspot.com/addiction_blogs/

Rejection is another awful feeling. It makes me feel horrible and as an adult it still stings when it happens to you. I think now I should have broader shoulders but when it’s people who are close to you it hurts even more. Recently I’ve felt this and my first reaction is to ignore them and shut them out. IT’s hard to do and for me and my first reaction is fight/flight. I’m still feeling like shutting them out.

As a child I often felt rejected by my dad and step mom. I never felt loved or wanted. I always thought I was nothing and that’s why nobody cared for me, but now I know that’s a big fat lie. My dads and stepmom were really messed up and now I see none of what I did as a kid was my fault. I still have no idea why they would treat me like that. I still think they must have had mental issues because how could you treat any child like you did with my brother and I.

Rejection seems to follow me around and even as an adult I can’t control how people treat me, but I do know that I’m not putting up with this and even though I cannot control how people treat me I don’t have to stand for it. This is their problem not mine and I’m walking away from it. I already have felt this in my marriage over and over again and that is hard and tough.

Today I decided to forgive the people that I felt rejection from and to walk in freedom with the LOrd. It’s not worth holding a grudge with anyone who has hurt you. Life is too short and I’m not living my life in bitterness. Bitterness and anger and rejection can fester into something really ugly and I lived a lot of life caught in addiction because I blamed my family in Ireland for my crummy family life. Yes my life was really hard and tough but now I am free of that and can live my life as how God intended it to be. I love how God shows us how to love others and forgive. That is our true freedom in this life.

THank you God for showing me this simple concept that can be hard to do. What is God teaching you in your life right now? Are you ready to do the hard thing or are you going to hold on to bitterness and anger. Let go and let GOd move in your life.

When I was in addiction I used to feel a lot of shame and unworthiness, that I was no good and that nobody would ever like me for whom I was. I felt like I could never measure up to anything. I often blamed myself for things that I had no control over and often felt like I was stupid. I was told by my family growing up and teachers that I was dumb and that I would never amount to anything. Boy those people were dead wrong about me . I have grown into a very successful woman who has true friends that care and love me. I have a Lord God who has shown me over the years how much HE LOVES me and how a broken crayon still colors beautiful things. God gave me passion for others and has given me a huge heart for the lost and broken. I also have a huge heart for animals.

My favorite animal is a horse. Horses are incredible animals and I love how they can interact with you without words and show you how special and awesome you are. Asher was a big old horse that was blind and starved from his previous owner before my friend Rebecca rescued him. When I was in Arkansas visiting http://www.arryr.org/ I had a big break through with this big old horse. I was still in addiction and to stop and face your feelings or anything was scary for me and this horse was so great and awesome that he broke though my wall of pain. I had in common with him being starved and not knowing where my next meal would come from. Asher was also blind on top of his being starved, but I was also blind in my own way. I was blind to being in addiction, blind to having others love me for whom I was and blind to loving myself. I could not see past myself. Asher showed me how to see and how to live life again. I miss that old guy very much. Thank you Lord for using an old horse to help me see in so many ways in my life.

This is beloved Asher. Another horse that had huge significance in my life was a horse named Hero. You can read Hero’s story here, he is an amazing horse that never gave up when he should have died. His perserverance is amazing. https://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/who-we-are/our-herd/hero This horse touched my life in amazing ways and I fell in love with him. Hero reminded me of what I had endured in my life with massive abuse in my life and how with God’s help I was able to survive against all odds and how God wanted me alive so that I could share my life with others. Hero’s story has touched and effected lots of people including someone who wanted to end their life but when they heard Hero’s story decided that life was wort living and if this small horse could survive being shot twice at close range, they to could survive. This person was going to end their life in suicide. Hero has become a hero to so many. No matter what you are going through in life there is hope and encouragement out there. No shame or unworthiness or anything is worth giving up our lives for.

I love how God uses animals to help us heal from our wounds and frees us from addiction and uses us to help others. My testimony which includes my life with massive abuse and neglect in my life God uses this to help others. My journey has been long and sometimes very painful but now I no longer have to feel shame and unworthiness about anything. God sees me as His precious daughter I am beautiful in His eyes even if I struggle to believe in any way. I AM SOMEBODY, I AM LOVED, I AM HIS BELOVED, I AM PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT, I AM BEAUTIFUL, the broken crayon I once was has become a whole beautiful and wonderful woman.

I took a short break from blogging this summer I guess there was a lot going on and blogging seemed like the last thing to do. I have to say I missed it a lot. Blogging is therapeutic for me and it’s a way to express my thoughts and feelings. After my 50th birthday I found myself doing and changing things in my life that I have needed to change for a long time. Maybe having a milestone birthday makes things become very real in your life. Now that i’m 50 I am proud to say I’m two years free of addiction. Something I never ever thought I would be able to do. I’m also taking charge of my life and standing up not only for the children in my life but what is in my personal life. I’ve been married for 18 years and well the last 10 of that has been hard and very difficult and painful. One of my good friends told me this past week that no matter what happens in my life I need to REST and “TRUST in the Lord with all your heart. DO NOT LEAN on your ways acknowledge Him, and HE will direct your path. ” Prov 3: 5-6 I’m to stay this course and just walk with my beloved Jesus step for step. He knows the way better then we ever do. I’m to rest in God’s truth.

My marriage is ending and yes it’s not been the best for many years it’s harder when it’s done for real. I really thought I would be married forever and growing old with someone you love not spending life alone/ well I’m not actually alone I have so many supported friends and family and a great dog who loves me no matter what. I also have a Lord who loves me so much more and I’m so glad for this. It’s hard though emotionally, physically and mentally. I finally am standing up for myself in what is right and not using the poor me and addiction to keep me in a marriage that is no longer working for me. This summer we were apart for a month and I loved it on my own and realized that I can do this and I did not miss him at all. It was a good test and I looked after the house and even mowed the lawn for my very first time. I have done things that needed to be done for a long time now have gotten them done recently and even though it was really hard, it’s been one less thing for me to worry about.

I also am ending a career in Early Childhood Education after 30 years of working. I’ve been on a really good contract working one on one with a non verbal boy. I loved my contract so much and learned so many things and met some of the greatest therapists. It opened up a whole new world for me and I realized my passion is helping children that need extra support. I’m unable to do it in my field and for the past 2 and a half years I have had no benefits with my job, no sick time and 4% on my paycheques for holiday time. I recently took a week off to a pinched nerve and got no pay that week and now I’m getting older I need to get a pension again. I’m sad to leave the daycare where I worked but I’m excited to be able to work in the school district and continue to help students of all different ages. It will be a big change but I believe I wil be all right because of how I grew up and how much passion and understanding I have with children and adults. I’m looking forward to learning lots of new things. I will work less hours and get more money which is nice and have a life outside my work.

These feathers are from a bald eagle that were given to me on Sparks Lake on my 50th birthday. Eagles represent to me FREEDOM and the courage to look ahead and everytime I see one I know the LOrd is close to me. Yes my life is changing but God is watching out and over me. These feathers also remind me of the amazing sight I saw on the lake with the osprey fishing and flying along with it’s fish it caught and then out of nowhere the bald eagle swooped down and took the fish from the opspry and flew off into the nearby tree. That was such a spectacular sight a rare sighting. Bald eagles were selected by the founding fathers to be the emblem of the nation. These birds symbolize strength and freedom.

I’m embracing life and it’s changes and I’m looking forward to seeing what GOd will do in this next part of my life. I’m looking forward to contiuning doing His work and helping others. I appreciate all my friends and my family and all my blogger readers. Thank you for your continued support in this journey called life.

I still cannot fathom why people do not stand up for what is right. Why is it easier to turn a blind eye when as humans we should be standing up against those that hurt others. How do people sleep at night and why am I the only person who ever does anything about it. Why do I feel sick and unable to sleep? My guess is because I was abused as a child and nobody stood up for me. God has given me a huge heart for children and adults. I see the pain I see them helpless I see them unable to understand or know how to defend themselves. I remember as a child wishing I could stand up to the people who hurt me or stop the people who bullied me in school or teased me in cruel ways but I could not stand on anything when you are young. I hate bullies to this day, they are cowards and pick on people or children.

Recently I had to stand up for a couple of children who were in the cross fire of a woman who was being a bully. I tried to intervene and she continued her behaviour and told me she was getting these kids back. These kids were 4 year olds and who is the adult here, clearly not her. I reported her to my supervisor where she was promply fired. You would think that would have been the end of that but then I heard she had been employed elsewhere so I went further to tell someone who will listen to my concerns this woman working with other children. So many people just turn their backs on things and very few do the right thing. I told the woman that who came and interviewed us all . She agreed sadly people do not stand up and defend children or others. She told me unless it’s abuse or neglect but still people are afraid of losing their jobs or getting others in trouble.

If as a caregiver we are not looking out for the children we care for, then why are we in this field. It’s definitely not the money and it’s not an easy job. The lady who interviewed us was really glad that I stood on standing up for children. She thanked me so much and I told her that for me childcare was about standing in the gap for children/ people who could not stand up for themselves and that everyday my concern is how our children are being treated. I will continue until the day I die to do this. It’s never an easy thing to do but it’s must.

When we are at work or someone else are we standing in the gap for those that need our help or are we walking away and ignoring a problem. Please do not ignore , please do not stick your head in the sand. As many of you know people knew things were wrong in my home growing up, but how many ignored the warning signs and left me in an abusive home. I prayed that someone would do something to stand up for me but I endured abuse for 12 years. All it would have taken was one person to stand up. Stand up for bullies there is zero tolerence for it. The person now will have accountability for her actions and maybe no more children will have to endure her practices.

As part of my birthday Present I got to stay in this box car on the ranch. The box car is an old train box car converted into a cute home to stay in. I was excited to be there because I love Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch so much that I wanted the whole experience. I also found this place very peaceful and beautiful. The decor inside is all western style so you feel like your really in a ranch cabin. I spent two nights here and my nights were a bit tough as I’m a city girl so lots of frogs croaking which I loved, coyotes my second night and the early morning rooster that crowed.

On my second night here this is the sunset we all got to enjoy over the ranch. Rachel and Tim came by and hung out and this was such an incredible sight we saw. God is good indeed.

This great tea place is in Sisters, Oregon and it’s got the most Fabulous tea. Rachel and I went before and yes I loved the peach cold tea brewed with fresh peaches.

More Kayaking for Rachel and my bithday this is Rachel’s favorite lake. I loved this lake so much. The lake was super clear but a very deep lake and you could see trees in the bottom of the lake. Kayaking was good and fun. I loved it here so much. We had such a fun afternoon there hanging out.

• This is the refuge barn up at the ranch and I got to listen to good friend KIm speak at Fellowship. The ranch has a fellowship once a month at the ranch where you come and enjoy a potluck dinner and listen to a speaker. Below is a huge horse an artist made for the inside of the entrance of the fellowship hall. This used to be a 150 year old barn now transformed into a beautiful barn. The lion was painted by a local artist.

I was incredibly blessed by all my friends when I came and celebrated my 50th with them. God has given me some awesome friends and it truly was a blessing to do so many good things. Thank you all for making my birthday so special.

On the day of my 50th birthday I was taken on a surprise. I had no idea what I would be doing, so I just embraced it. I was picked up by my good friend and her assistant and we drove through the mountains. I had never been Kayaking before. We arrived at our destination and took out our kayak’s. We went to Sparks Lake a natural body of water near the crest of the Cascade range in Deschutes County in the State of Oregon. The lake is surrounded by wetlands and marsh. Surrounding the Lake is the South Sister, Broken top, and Bachelor Butte.

Sparks Lake was formed about 10,000 years ago from lava from the Mt. Bachelor Volcanic Chain . The lake is huge but very shallow in places. At one in the middle of the lake I could have gotten out and walked across it. Other parts were much deeper. The small channel we kayaked down had lava chutes down it. What a glorious day it was. Boy had I ever missed out on how peaceful and awesome it is out in God’s nature. I was in complete awe at the beauty of the mountains and how close we were to them. We paddled around and then we stopped for lunch. Kim had put together a picnic lunch for both Judy and I . I was so blessed at what they had done. Kim had thought of everything. For dessert Kim had made a special treat for me it was sponge cake with blueberries, raspberries and whipped cream and Strawberries to top it off.

After lunch we got back in our kayak’s to explore the lake more. Towards the end of the lake we went to it was swampy and had wetlands in it. As we were down there we saw the most extraordinary sight. An osprey was fishing and had caught a fish and was flying with his prize holding it in it’s claws as it flew. Out of nowhere appeared a bald eagle and went straight for the osprey and took the fish from it and flew off into the nearby trees. What a phenomenal sight that was. We all sat in awe in our kayaks. Bald eagles are very significant for all three of us and so knew that God was sending us a gift of his awesomeness for us to see. Both Kim and Judy gave me bald eagle feathers they had found and I found one later on.

I was truly blessed with my birthday surprise and our conversations were good. I love how God brings into your life people who are experiencing simiar to you and how God uses them to speak his truth and encouragement. It was such an awesome day and I’m blessed to share it with my two good friends.

Have you ever prayed for something for a long time and you kept praying but what you prayed for never seemed to come to pass. It seemed like a life time away. I’ve seen God do amazing things in my lifetime. I’ve seen Him answer prayer in ways you could never imagine. I’ve seen God do amazing things in my life and others. I’m a huge prayer warrior I often am praying for someone for something or other. Some of you may know that I don’t have biological children but I have three awesome wonderful step children. Even though they are not mine by blood I love them just as much. I knew them when they were 10, 8 and 6. I loved spending time with them. Then they went away and we did not see them for a very long time. I always prayed for them while they were gone. I chose not to have children with their father, because I did not want them to think they had been replaced.

I wrote them journals when God laid things on my heart which was often. I have a whole bunch of writings I did for them. We tried to keep in contact with them but came to realize that they were not getting what we sent. No presents or letters, so I compiled letters in their journals. On their birthdays we brought cake and write cards which we have and we wished them Happy birthday. Holidays were really hard for us. At Christmas I brought ornaments and put dates on them and we hung them on our trees. Each of the children now adults have a collection of ornaments. We kept all their toys and clothes and we moved every time we moved we brought all their things with us. We continued to pray everyday for them and we never forgot them. After what had happened to me as a child being Kidnapped and not seeing my mom for 12 years, I always told my husband that one day they would choose what they wanted and come back. We went through a lot of painful years not knowing. AS they got older I found them on facebook and could follow what they were doing and get photos of them. After 12 years the middle and youngest daughter contacted us and wanted to see us. They came out when my father in law passed away for a weekend. It was so good to see them both they now were beautiful young woman. The middle daughter continued to come and see us and spend a couple of months with us. We fell in love all over with her. It’s funny even though a father and his daughters were gone for so long they have very similar things they like and do just like their dad. The youngest daughter went back on with her life and that was not interested in us. I watched her graduate from high school, get a degree in University and then do a thesis all via facebook.

Last Saturday out of the blue our youngest daughter contacted us. She was in tears she wanted to reconnect with her dad and she was so sorry she had cut us out of her life. She just turned 24. She wanted to see her dad and was out in our neck of the woods. Today after 6 years she reconciled with her dad and told me today that she is happy and grateful she can see him and meet. Things look like they are well from the photos. I would have gone as well but it did not work out but my heart has just soared all day. We have prayed for all 3 of these precious adults lots. God made us wait until they were ready to come and re- connect, we want things done faster but God makes us wait for those things we may want the most.

2 down 1 more to go. The oldest boy is almost 28 and we have never connected with him. I have been friends with him on facebook and instagram. I have sent him messages but he is silent. I believe if his sisters re-connect and have relationships that he too will come to trust that we are okas well. He was the oldest and his dad to him was his world. He is the most hurt because he remembers the most. He’s probably worried if he connects he could lose again. So I will continue to pray for him that he reaches out and that he trusts enough. Thank you God for answering our prayers and for us believing our children would come back. I will continue to pray in faith for our son.

I’m encouraging you all to keep praying for those things that you think will never come to pass. They eventually will and not to give up hope.

I’m coming up to my second year of sobriety in addiction. Wow that is certainly an awesome feat for me. I never thought I would be able to get this addiction out of my life it haunted me for years on end. One day I was brushing my teeth and the Lord told me that the root of my addiction was the hatred I felt in my heart everyday. My theory on the whole thing was these people hurt me beyond belief so why should I forgive them for anything. I had a choice to make did I let the power of this hate continue to destroy me with addiction or was there a better option.

My really good friend, her and her husband own Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch in Oregon . A year and a half ago I went to Oregon for Christmas and I had a chance her and I to walk in the wilderness. We talked and then I got to a point where I could not walk anymore I had this horrible headache. We stopped and Kim knelt in the dust. Normally Bend would be covered in snow but this day it was really warm with the sun and it was dusty and there were lots of sage bushes on our hike. I knelt down beside Kim, we held hands and started praying what did God want for me. Kim asked me what I saw. I saw a room a dark room with a child hunched up holding her knees on the floor. She seemed scared she was alone. Kim asked me what else did I see. I said the room was dark. The child was scared and lonely. Kim asked me to look closer what did I see. I looked and saw a figure standing over the child and I saw arms hugging her. I then saw light in the room and the figure was the Lord. He was comforting the child. The child was not lonely or scared anymore in fact the child peaceful.

I always wondered as a child where God was in that horrible mess of a life I grew up in. I thought He did not care enough for me but He was always with me no matter what. As I knelt in the dust I wept huge tears because I had never known that He loved me so much and He protected me from so many things. It’s hard to see when your in the midst of the chaos. We continued to pray and Kim asked me what was I holding on to that was stopping me from having a complete relationship with Him. I said my heart is black, because it hates two people who destroyed my life. I hate them so much that I want them to suffer like I suffered as a child. Kim said God is wanting you to let this go and forgive them as God forgave them. I told Kim that God told me recently that the root to my addiction is this hate in my heart. How can I forgive them? I had someone I admire a lot tell me once that forgiveness is letting go of that power that the people who hurt you have over you; it’s not giving them a free pass for what they did. My addiction was proof that they both still had that power over me and for me to be free I had to forgive them. We continued to pray and I prayed out loud for them both that God would free me up from that hate so that He could work on their hearts. I prayed for them and my heart felt so different. That hate, bitterness and anger disappeared and continued to pray for them.

As we had prayed the sun beat down on us both and I had forgotten that Kim was with me. I also asked for forgiveness for myself for using addiction and not turning to the Lord when things got tough. When I stood up all the pain I had felt on the hike disappeared and I stood up straighter and I felt really good. We walked back to the truck. Kim and I met again before I left to go home and I still felt the same I feel this huge peace in my heart. I even found myself praying for them occasionally which I would never have done in the past. Forgiveness was hard to do but in my case a necessity to get through my life. Since doing this I have remained sober in my life and have almost two years of sobriety. I never forgot that time in the wilderness and I now am a better person for doing this.

Don’t let unforgiveness in your heart stop you from living your life. Stop that power over you the person has. Haven’t they taken enough of your life already. If you need to talk to someone to help your process there are good counselors out there who can help guide you through this.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is hard to deal with when it gets triggered. I find it gets triggered less and less but when it happens I have a tough time. I decided to write about it. Yesterday at work there is a little girl who is scared of the wind. It was a windy day and when we were outside she strarted to get worried about it and she wanted to go back inside. When she is scared of the wind her family will bring her inside. We could not do that as we were outside playing so the educators tried to comfort her in the best way they knew how. They even brought out her blanket and her soother. Nothing seemed to help her. I watched her panic more and more and come up with ways to be able to go inside. Educators would talk to her about why she was scared, nothing helped she became more panicked. Another educator told us that she was playing us and this was not a real thing. That really bothered me a lot because this was truly a fear she had and she was in flight mode. We eventually went inside and then her body was still in that flight mode. She refused to eat, but how could she eat after all of that. Later she slept hard. After her sleep she was back to her self.

This whole situation reminded me of how I am if I am triggered with fear. This little girl does not have PTSD but I saw the signs of fear and I even tried to intervene on her behalf to be told that’s not what was going on or told that she’s making it up to get what she wants. You would think if I have PTSD I may know a little bit about what I saw. People who have no idea about this kind of high stress or truama simply have no idea and if I had no idea I would want to learn to make sure this child’s needs were met. I was angry that my views were cast off as nothing. On my lunch break I looked up fears in young children and how they should be dealt with and that it needs to be taken seriously and when needed proffessional help to intervene. Children can often have big fears of the unknown world around them. I sent the articles to my boss and emailed the children’s organiztion I work for to get them to bring us resources to help her and her family. I explained to my boss that I understood where this girl was coming from. Fear can paralyze anyone, to cast it off as nothing when there clearly is a problem is very dangerous and wrong.

My boss thanked me for what I had given her and told me they would come up with a care plan to help her and strategies for us and her family. After this whole situation yesterday I was upset yes but it’s really hard to educate people if they think they know it all. I felt really sensitive today since this happened. Tonight I found myself in a situation that made me freak out. I fought hard and then wanted to run in flight. If I don’t eat for a long time I get low blood sugars and then panic kicks in from past things and then I freak out. Nothing helps when your already in this, my brain cannot process what the heck you are trying to tell me. The circumstances of tonight were nothing I could control so then it’s harder for me.

Now I just need to spend time in prayer with the Lord to ground me back where I need to be. After eating then I start to realize that it’s ok and I am safe. I can eat now and I will not go hungry. God has me no matter what or how I am feeling. This feeling too will pass. Tonight I will pray for that little girl at work that she will feel validated and loved when she’s so scared. If You don’t know about something listen to others who know what they are talking about. I will listen to you.