Author: walking in freedom

How many of us really know what hunger is all about? Most of you will know what it is like to never know what hunger is about. You will know what 3 meals a day is like and snacks. I wish everyone could experience that. According to feedingamerica.org   40 million Americians struggle with hunger which includes 12  million children. Wow! I find that staggering.  4 million people in Canada experience food insecurity and 1 in 8 Canadians struggle to put food on their tables. This topic lays near and dear to my heart. It is a hard and painful subject for me, but recently wrote about it in my memoirs.

As a child growing up in Ireland we lived in poverty. There were 7 children to feed so money was always tight. My stepmom was Catholic so there were often big families. We had food in our house, but my brother and I were not allowed access to it. We were the black sheep of the family and we were shoved aside. Both of us spent long days and nights locked in our rooms. When my brother lived at home we would hang out on the landings of our homes. My brother tried to protect me as much as he could. I felt helpless as a child.

We were often only allowed one meal a day which usually dinner, but I was not allowed to join the family at the table. That’s another story which you can read in my memoirs. Food often consisted of foods I hated. My stepmom was a terrible cook and boiled everything to death so it was often very rubbery. One would think if you were hungry you would just eat it. I hated liver and I always got an extra portion of it. I was told if I wouldn’t eat it I was not leaving the table. So I sat there for a long time, part of my plan is to see how long I could sit there and not have to go back to my bedroom. My stepmom made me sit there for hours. At least it was a different place to be as I often spent days and months locked in my bedroom. Here I could see how my siblings lived and if I cranked my neck I could hear the tv.  Finally she would get fed up and I’d go back to my room. The next day it would be in my lunch to take to school.

On my way to school I would toss it into the garbage. I learned for a while that my dad kept lots of loose change in his coat pocket and I would steal change out of it and buy food in the tuck shop at school.  When you are hungry so hungry that you feel like you will die eventually that pain of hungry numbs and I had to figure out how to get food without getting caught. While all the kids were outside playing for recess I would go from classroom to classroom pulling out one thing from each kids lunch and put it in my lunch. I had to be so careful and after a week would go to the next grades classrooms and start again.  I never did it from the kids in my grade.   

As I got older I couldn’t do that anymore when I moved to a differnt part of the school so I would borrow money from the Librarian to buy food. Eventually one of my school friends her mom would buy me lunch tickets to have a hot meal at school. Her daughter kept the tickets for me and at least everyday while school was on I would be able to eat. When you are so hungry all the time, school and learning is something that is impossible. Concentrating on anything is awful so I used to just fool around and not pay attention ever.  I picked fights with all the kids and goofed off in school and was known to be a troublemaker. No I was just hungry.  Not one teacher  I had ever knew I was starving.

Others ways I got food was the lady who lived across the street would pick me up with her son and on those days she always had been grocery shopping and while she went inside her house I would load up her food into my backpack and go home and eat. I believe that she knew something was really wrong over at my house and that is why she did that. I’m very thankful for her. I also tried stealing at local grocery store until I got caught and my dad beat the crap out of me. That ended that. I did find out later that my brother would go in the store and grab lots of bags and fill the bags up in the isles and walk out of the store. I should have teamed up with him.

It’s amazing how when one is hungry your survival skills kick into place. I hated to steal but without food I would have died. One crappy meal a day would not have been enough. My hardest times were summers they were long not allowed out at all. Sometimes but rarely my dad would let me out of my bedroom to eat something before my stepmom would be back.  

While kids were out being kids I was surviving this cruel world. I may not be good at sports or other activities, but I do have amazing survival skills. Thank you God for helping me survive from hunger. I no longer have to worry about where my next meal comes from, but as we have read at the beginning people and children are still hungry everyday. We can reach out and help.

This is Rosa my sponsor child from Guatemala I sponsor her so she can go to school, eat and whatever she needs. I sponsor her through Hope of Life International. It’s an amazing organization and once a month she gets money to help her grow and learn. I have also volunteered at the food bank 850,000 people go each month to the food bank to get food for their families. How can you help with people being hungry? 

https://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/who-we-are/our-herd/phoenix

This story about pheonix touched my heart so much and when I first went to the ranch I related to this horse so much for how it had been treated. 

Thanks for reading. Be Blessed today. 

One of my bosses lent me 3 books on writing as I told her I was writing my memoirs. This is the first one I cracked open the other day. I love it a lot, because it’s got short stories everyday and quotes from differnt people some of the things that have stood out to me was things I have felt but was not sure how I was supoosed to feel about them. This is the kind of book you could read day by day, but because it was lent to me I couldn’t keep it for a year. I have actually put it on my wish list to buy. 

On the 5th day the title of the day is Getting Caught. A group of students were asked if writing felt dangerous to them. One student replied ” Writing is dangerous because you might get caught.” –  Ralph Keyes ” Anxiety is not only inevitable part of  the writing process but a necessary part. If your not scared your not writing.”  For me to write my memoirs is terrifying in some ways and exciting all wrapped in one. It makes me feel really vulnerable and all my secrets will be exposed. I often worry about my proffession, would my co-workers or families I work with judge me for my past. I also know that if I don’t venture out and do this; I would be missing out on sharing an incredible story.

My family comes from the era that we do not tell people our darkest secrets. I’ve been told many times if I need to write, write it in a journal. Do you know how many journals I have more than you could ever imagine. I used to dream of writing my story but I thought for a long time that I was stupid. I was often told I was stupid or dumb and that I would never amount to anything. Guess what they were wrong. I became a woman who has strong passions for children. I love all the children I have taught for the past 30 years. God has given me a huge heart for those that are picked on or are different in some way. I was often told I did not belong. God gave me a heart that understands those hard topics that people will run away from. I understand addiction, sucide, depression, abuse, feeling so hungry I thought I would die. I wrote even as a child stuck in hell. I now know this writing helped me survive, so if I can survive all these things I can survive writing my memoirs.

Since I confessed about why I had orginally wanted to write my memoirs I have written 5 pages. I have that flare to write again and the words drip off the pages of the book. I can’t wait to sit down and write, so everyday I will write something.  I turn on my favorite music and put on my headphones and I write.  Sometimes when I write I feel happy or sad or a hard memory will come up and it’s tough. Sometimes I will reflect on that painful memory and cry or stop and pray and keep going out. I think bit by bit I will get through this book. I have written 67 pages so far. I’m proud of myself for getting this far.

My counselor is a wise woman she often says to me if I sit in those hard memories I won’t die. I hate feeling hard emotions or feelings but yes she’s right. I’ve not died yet…………. The book is about hard painful things but also happy memories all rolled into one. I’m thankful that I can walk this journey with each of you, I have a lot of awesome people in my life.  God gives me the strength to get through those hard times and I believe all this writing will bring FREEDOM for me.

” Writing is not a hobby. Collecting stamps or coins is a hobby, writing is a calling.” Day 3 Holy calling from A year of Writing Dangerously by Barbara Abercrombie          

This morning I was reflecting on why I love writing on my blog, but my book seems to be back on the shelf again. I was talking to my husband about it and came to realize that I originally started to write this book as a way to get back at the people who hurt me. They hurt me so this was my way to hurt them. I told myself and others that this book would bring hope and encouragement.  I have struggled writing it from day one and often had to put it out of my mind. I told myself it’s hard to write because of the content of my past. That is tough but deep down I now know it’s because this book was not my story through God, it was my story about me and revenge. I hate admitting that but I also know that confession is a must to put the situation in the LIGHT.  

Along the way God changed my heart about my dad and my stepmom and in one of my blogs I wrote about the forgiveness and how God took that hate and blackness I carried in my heart and filled it up with love.  I truly do want to write this book to encourage others. I want people to know that no matter what you have gone through in your life that God looks after us  and we can do anything.  I could have given up many times or let addiction take over my life. Instead I wanted a better life and I have worked so hard to do what God wants for me.

I want my memoirs to glorify God as it’s my story through Him. This morning I prayed that God helps me write this book and that He gives me the right words to write. I want my heart to shine in every word that is written. I want that love to shine through even when it’s tough to read.  I now know that even though my past was very hard and tough and painful, that shaped who I am today and that is why I will fight for those hard things because I am a survivor.  People who know me well call me fiesty. Fiesty is a good trait if it is used in the right way, it means to me that I will never give up no matter what. I will fight and stand on the TRUTH no matter what.

I realized today that I’m ready to write this book to honor God.  Thank you Lord for showing me what this block was. My goal is to write everyday and before I will know it, it will be written. I tell people this is one of the hardest things I have done as it’s painful at times to remember but I also need to remember that I’m free from all of that pain and now I’m free from unforgiveness. That was massive in my life.  Unforgiveness for me was a huge weight that was drowning me that I could bearly breathe. I thought it only effected me in addiction but now I realize it impacted my life in huge ways. It effected me writing and now that explains to me why I struggled so much with this book.  

I look forward to writing and I will still blog and maybe even write about some of it here. I’m off to tackle the book now. Thanks for listening to me.     

Seems like this is a hot topic in my life right now, so I thought I would write about it. When we put all our stocks in others we are bound to get hurt one way or another. The only person we can soley rely on is Jesus. He is who we should be turning to for everything. I find if I rely too much on  certain people I always seem to get hurt. Don’t get me wrong I have my core people my peeps I can turn to and they are always there for me. I love that, no matter what is happening they are there. Good friends are hard to replace.

In Jeremiah 17:5-9 it says ” Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wildernessin the unhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord. He is like a treeplanted by water, that sends out it’s roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for it’s leaves remain green; and it is not anxious in the year of the drought for it does not cease to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?”  

” The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”  Psalm 18:2 The bible is full of scriptures about trusting God. God will never disappoint us but man will. I guess why this is a highlight in my life right now is on a couple of occasions I have felt disappointed and discouraged when I realized I have set my expectations of others too high and that I have set them in the wrong place. It was good for me to see this even though it hurt, it was a good lesson for me. 

I am an introvert in some ways although I do like my down time, so I use people to boost me up and that’s what motivates me to continue on. I don’t do well on my own for long periods of time boredom for me is deadly. Often that is when I would use sexual addiction to fill in those spaces. I enjoy people a lot. Sometimes I can expect things from them and when I don’t get them I feel that rejection or disappointment. During those times I listen to worship music or write or reach out to others. I also can reconize that I need more of God and soak up His words. Then I feel that peace again that only comes from Him. 

How precious are you to me I love that you were put in my life to help me survive. Without each of you, I would not have lived. Life growing up was horrific and unbearable, but you helped me through with your protection and humor. We got through that life. We got through it together. God created each of you for a purpose. We have grown up together laughed, cried, know each of our inner thoughts.

Each of you is so beautiful and unique in your own ways. I admire all of you because you never give up on anything.  You are all strong and courageous and very brave. I’m sorry we had to meet under those bad circumstances, but without that in my life; I would never have met any of you.  Some of you are young, some middle aged and some my age. It does not matter who you are, you were all created special. Thank you for protecting me for so long, I no longer need you to do that for me. We now have the Lord, He is the only protector I need. Your job is done now. NOw I need all of you to come together with me as one so that we can do what God has laid on our hearts to do. We must fight this fight together as one.

Do you realize we can be one hell of a strong woman together? God has given us a massive huge heart for others, we understand their pain, we may even have lived through it, we can show compassion, love or just listen. When people are sad or suffering we can feel their pain. Sometimes it can feel like a huge burden, but giving it up to the LOrd it’s not our pain to carry; because of our faith God has given us the power of prayer. People call on us to pray for them in all circumstances.  

Our heart is huge for children, especially those that feel alone or abused or cannot fight for themselves. We stand in the gap for them no matter what the cost is to us.  Do you remember that when nobody cared enough for us and we were alone. We promised ourselves that we would not let this happen to other children. If we were there we would help and speak out. We’ve done this many times where others just stood there and ignored it. We challenged those people about their choices and they were more worried about their jobs then what was right. We challenged them on why did they teach children if they stood aside. God has used us in many ways in this area.

We understand a lot of things most people have no idea about.  We understand rejection, abuse, hunger, been bullied and so much more.  God gave me each of you as a gift. A very precious gift.  Your purpose in life is to help me be the best person I can be. Lets conquer this journey together. I’m here for each of you. Reach out and hold my hand we have got this with God.

Love you 🙂 

Forbes did statistics on how many people actually follow through with their New Years resolutions and it’s apparently grim less then 25% of people stay committed to their resolutions after 30 days.   

Instead of making new years resolutions like so many and by Febuary or March feeling disappointed in myself or at a loss for not keeping one resolution, I decided to set simple goals for myself. Goals that can be attained.  One of my friends who writes blogs said that she carried over her goals from last year to this year so now she’s in groove of what she wanted to accomplish; and did not have to start fresh. I like that if I’m already doing these things everyday in the next year you just carry them forward.

My biggest thing I’ve been doing is to not look at any social media or emails until I have spent time with The LORD. He’s my first priority.  My next goal is to spend more time in prayer to and from work. I started doing this in December and I enjoyed it so much. One of my friends son’s is sick so I prayed for him each morning and his family.  I got a new leather journal for Christmas from Crystal Peaks and I write down scriptures or things people share with me and everyday I write down at least 5 things I’m thankful for. We have so much to be thankful for in this life. Even if we can’t see it God is always moving and I’m so thankful for many things.

My next goals are to do with my health I joined weight watchers again as I want to lose 40lbs and I need accountability from others. Like community in my church I cannot do this weight journey on my own. I downloaded the app and I write down everything I eat and it’s nice to go and listen to others what has worked for them/ not worked etc. Exercise is hard for me.I talked to many people lately who have struggled with addiction and they all tell me the same thing that excerise is hard to wrap their heads around so I’m doing small steps and walking on my breaks and using my fit bit.  I even increased my steps to 2,000 more. Maybe one day I will tell you I like exercise maybe it just grows on you.  If I find different places to walk then I can enjoy God’s beauty while out exercising. 

I’m doing a 12 step study with a wonderful woman in an addictions group through Life Church and keeping working on my sobriety. I plan on reading books that will challenge me in my life and my faith. I think these all are good attainable goal for me this year. 

I also plan on keeping up with my book and Blog writing. A friend told me to try everyday to write so that is another one of my goals.  I pray God continues to help my writings to encourage others. I’m ready to speak out more about addiction as it is all around us.

What goals do you have for 2019? I would love to hear about them.

What does true beauty look like? To me in many ways it is how this photo up above looks like. I love landscape that is beautiful to the eye, so serene and peaceful and you know when you look at it, it’s God’s handiwork.  The world’s perspective of true beauty is how we look physically.  We are constantly been told how we should be and how we fall short.  Sometimes we often feel as though we can never measure up. Then we find ourselves hiding in our dark bedrooms, medicating ourselves or having depression or anxiety.  We lose our courage and then become numb.

True beauty only comes from God. To me it’s inner beauty that only God and others who know us can see it. I have a hard time seeing myself as how God sees me. I am very harsh on how I see myself for me at times , it’s easier to hide in that dark room then face who I am in Christ.  ” You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty and quiet spirit which is so precious to God. ”  Fierce Beauty by Kim Meeder p. 33 .  I have tried to change my appearance because I don’t like how I look, or I drink too much to fit in; because I’m socially unacceptable. Pretending you are something you are not is hard to keep up and it forces you to put on differnt masks for different environments. In the end it hurts you more and isolates you from who God wants us to be.

” I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. ”  Romans 15:13  

” Don’t be afraid for I am with you, don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthened you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious hand.” Isaiah 41:10

” True beauty – We often chase after this world’s definition of beauty and value and reject genuine worth offered by our Lord. Will we live in fantasies of our own creations or choose God’s best purpose for our lives? ”  Fierce Beauty by Kim Meeder p.32 ” 

God is calling all of us to be beautiful to lay down ourselves and pick up the cross and fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. That is my passion in this world to stand in the gap for those that need encouragement and hope.  ” However righteous beauty is like a sunrise ; it cannot be stopped no matter what circumstances surround it. It is not effected by weather of percieved emotions. It is stable, secure, and dependable. It does not merely sparkle from the outside in; it radiates from the inside out, because it’s inside those perishable containers that the glory of our God is held. This glory——— His glory within us is what makes us beautiful. ” Fierce Beauty by Kim Meeder p.33.  

That is what true beauty is all about and I need to remember this when I think about who I am in Christ. He is shaping and molding me into who He wants me to be. This beauty grows within us when we open our eyes and our hearts to those who are hurting. God has given me a huge heart for those who hurt, He has given me compassion and grace to know how to reach out to others. When they hurt I feel their pain and know how to pray for them or just come alongside them.  Reach out to those who are around you, pray for them, give a kind word, show them love, understanding and compassion. We all need to know there is someone in our court. Who will you reach out to today? 

2018 has been a good year for me in many ways. I brought in the New Year with one of my good friends Rachel. I had the opportunity to spend with Christmas last year with her and her husband. A Christmas I won’t soon forget. We have been friends for 9 years and I met Rachel at Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch and I visit her as much as I can. God also showed me during this visit the root of my addiction. It was unforgiveness in my heart. My post about Where was God growing up talks about that experience I had.

Since forgiving my dad and stepmom I felt so free and celebrated 1 year of sobriety for addiction at the beginning of August. I pray for both of them something I never thought I would ever do in my entire life. Good friends of mine helped me celebrate this occasion. It was nice to hear how God has used me in the lives of each of my friends lives. I love how God continues to use me to encourage others through their trials.

I used to think trials in my life which seemed unending were such a burden and extremely annoying. Now I see them as an opportunity to understand others in their pain and to have passion and love towards others. I love this quote I read yesterday. ” The road of hurt is marked by Hope. ” I love this scripture and it’s very appropriate to this topic. ” All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all our comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort that God has given us. The more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with HIs comfort through Christ.” 2Cor 3 -5

Hope is something that has been huge in my Faith journey, without I would never have come out of addiction, grown so much in Christ or done any of the things I have done. The opposite of Hope is hopelessness, despair and doubt. For much of my life I have felt this. Not having a clue how to move forward and then caught in addiction, that it’s self will crush one in hopelessness. Hope comes from God and others in our community and helps us move forward. Having Hope gives one freedom from our pain that cripples us sometimes on a daily basis.

” I pray that God the source of Hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace; because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow in confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. ” Romans 15:13 As this year draws to an end can we come together and have that Hope and pray and reach out to those who still feel that hopelessness.

Happy New Year to all my readers. May God continue to use you all in His glory this upcoming year.

Blessings Sarah

Living with post traumatic stress disorder can be challenging at times. Most of the time it lays dormant in my life and is not an issue in my life. Today it got triggered in a huge way.  Something good transformed into a problem quickly and it led to my dog knocking over an old dog who had come into the field with it’s owner and two other dogs to play with my dog. I’m not sure why my dog came over quickly to the dog as you could see it already had mobility problems. I think our dog was wanting to play but the poor thing went down and the owner freaked out at us. I stood there horrified I did go over to make sure the dog was ok but the lady was freaking out so much and crying hard. We put our dog on leash and waited to see what was happening with the other dog. The older dog whom the woman said was 15 years old got up which was good. Meanwhile the lady had 2 other dogs with her and another woman. They turned on my dog and were attacking him which apparently is what packs do. The other lady did pull off her dogs and 2 more times they came into attack my dog. My husband was there and even though the dogs were attacking mine it was just small bites. The lady left to take her dog back to the car and we talked to the other lady would her dog be ok.

Oh man we left I was shocked that I had watched this whole thing transform before my eyes. I was very shook up and my dog had just stood there while he was being attacked. He just stood there. I’m glad the other dog was ok. Our dog likes to wrestle other dogs so maybe he expected this dog to wrestle back. I’m glad it worked out for each of us. I was shaking when I got home and I called my trainer to tell him what had happened. He was good and calm as I recalled the situation. All day my head has been in a serious fog and over and over in my head I keep recalling the incident. My PTSD was triggered and now I’m feeling on edge and jumpy. I also feeling huge numbness and my head is in bad shape. It makes me feel so vulnerable and I hate when I get triggered like this. 

The next few days I will have to be good to myself and look after me. I hate this feeling but writing about it helps a lot and reaching out to others and asking them to pray and then when my body feels safe it will just go back to normal.  I’m glad these symptons only surface once in a while and not all the time like they used to. I used to get nightmares and then I was scared to sleep. I also used to use addicton to numb out the pain. Now I deal with it the best I can with much prayer. 

If any of you experience PTSD or huge anxiety out there, there is help you don’t have to deal with this on your own. I appreciate all the people I have in my life to help me in this journey called life. 

10 days a great dane escaped from the home of his grandma, she was looking after him while her daughter and son in law where on holidays. Roscoe escaped just around the corner from my home. He was hit by one car and at the end of our main road was hit again. A massive search for this big boy left everyone wondering what happened to him.  Yesterday he was found. Here is the story of Roscoe.  It is inspiring and a lot of people are calling this a Christmas Miracle.

Roscoe got loose at approx. 3:45pm on December 12th.  Reuniting Owners with Animals Missing ROAM  was called in and other organizations and ROAM began putting up posters on all the places he was last seen. He was hit by a car near his place where he was staying and got up and continued running where he was hit further down the road. Once again got to his feet and bolted down a side street. This was the last sighting anyone had for days. Everyone knew he couldn’t have gone far he was bound to have injuries or be sore from the cars hitting him. For 5 days there were no more concrete sightings.  A week after Roscoe had been missing a lady had seen him at 3:00am about 1 mile from where he was last seen. During this time hundreds of volunteers searched night and day all the areas around. Everytime I drove by any of the signs for Roscoe I would pray and cry and pray some more.

The kids at our daycare saw the signs of Roscoe and much conversation evolved from them them and they asked everyday if Roscoe was found. I looked every chance I could get. Lots of people everyday rain or shine searched for Roscoe. Yesterday Dec 22nd a search was organized at the local school and 50 – 60 volunteers came out to look. Each were given maps of the area last seen.  ROAM prepared 100″s of chits and posters to hand out to as many people as possible.  As the ROAM volunteers decided to drive around they got a call from a neighbour nearby, someone had given her a chit and she had a gut feeling that Roscoe was nearby. She took this photo off her balcony and sent it to ROAM who blew it up and you can see it’s Roscoe hiding in the thick bush down 30 feet from this woman’s house in a ravine. 

ROAM asked the lady to ignore him until they got to him. His owners were searching nearby and they hopped into the car to go see him. They had no idea what Shape Roscoe would be in when they got there. His mom and dad were there in minutes. The woman who had called showed the couple to look slowly over the bluff into the ravine. That indeed was Roscoe. His mom made her way slowly through the brambles towards him. She called his name softly, he perked his head up and he got up and trotted over to his mom his tail so excited to see her. His mom said he looked good. His dad and another lady made their way to them.  The Photos are of Roscoe and his mom and dad and as you can see from the photos he does look good. They take him to the animal hospital hospital for tests  and observation and gentle meals. Roscoe had no broken bones or internal damage from being hit by 2 cars. All he had was some abrasions and he had lost 15lbs. Other than that he was given a clean bill of health. Roscoe is a Christmas Miracle.  

Roscoe’s story is a story of love and hope and redemption. He survived huge odds against him. Two car accidents, being lost and scared and nobody have any idea where he was. 10 days is a long time to be missing and he survived many rain storms and 100 mile an hour wind. Roscoe is a survivor he hunkered down and waited for his mom and dad to find him. The photos below show him looking good. The other part of this story is how many people looked for him everyday complete strangers walking day and night, it was the holiday season and instead of doing their own thing they rallied around this family and did not give up until he was found.

It shows me that no matter  what one faces in their lives that God will look after you.  Roscoe you waited out the storms and he survived.  When we feel like giving up remember this story.  Roscoe is now home recovering I bet he had the best Christmas ever.