Beauty from Ashes.

Why is standing your ground on boundaries so hard? Why is it easier to just be a people pleaser and give in to those who want us to do things we don’t want to do? This week I stood my ground on two really important things and in 24 hours had two people really angry with me. To me these boundaries I set were really important the first one was my landlord he obviously is used to getting his way so when I stood my ground and told him my rights as a Tennant he stood on my doorstep and insulted me and yelled at me. I stood my ground and he finally left madder that a hatter.

The second boundary I stood on was my family. That’s a hard one. I have remained firm on my decision but now I’m getting the silent treatment. I realized that I now am so much stronger who I am and now was the time to set clear boundaries. Change is hard for everyone especially the person who has never seen me stand on any boundaries. I’m tired of always been the person who needs to do the right thing. What about how I feel? I do so much for every one it’s ok to say no once in a while and not feel bad.

God wants us to help others but not be a push over and have people walk all over us. How many times have I just said yes to something I didn’t want to do, so they would not be mad with me. Too many times. In my marriage I always gave in to smooth things over even though I hated it so much. When I spoke up it went sideways and then I felt I had to apologize so that it would get better.

As I write this I realized that I grew up with so much conflict that my biggest fear was abandonment. I hated conflict so much. Now as I get older I see that it feels good to stand up for what is right. It’s really difficult but sometimes you just have to do it. I’m sure this will work itself out. For now I must remember how far I have come and be proud of myself for standing up.

Wow what a week indeed. I came off a weekend with my dad so already was feeling tired from that. I was tested and challenged so much this week. Tuesday I was laid off from my position at school because there was not enough children enrolled this year in school so cuts were huge and deep and it’s effected lots of us. My dream job for now is coming to an end the end of June. Then my housing is all up in the air because I’ve had cheap rent for a long time and it ends in June. I’m hoping that my landlord will see how well I look after his home on my own. I hope he takes into consideration that on my Christmas vacation I pumped water out of good basement for about 14 hours in total. I’m not sure how many tenants would do that.

Even though my job is ending those who got laid off will be the first to get positions at schools. I will go back to being an EA hopefully in a kindergarten class. I did find out that when the funding comes back then I can come back to my position I have now. So that’s good. There will be a job at my school but it’s only if I have enough senority it’s a mat leave. No matter what happens I trust that God will look after me and put me just where I need to be. On Thursday at school at lunch recess I was outside and two bald eagles flew around me and the children for about half an hour. It was very awesome. Anytime I’m worried or feel stressed God always sends me bald eagles and each time I feel that surreal peace that only comes from Him. I realized seeing two for me meant that both situations He’s got them in His hands. Since then I’ve felt so much better. I’ve been worried about other things as well but I know all I have is to Trust the Lord with them all.

Do you turn to God when you feel stressed or worried? Does God show himself to you through birds, rainbows etc. Does God bring people into your life that help you when things are uncertain? What kind of things help you in times of uncertainty?

I just came back from another weekend with my dad. It’s so hard to see what dementia is doing to him. Despite that he and I have some awesome conversations and I’ve seen it a few times where I talk about things from my past and he jumps in to protect me. Yesterday we had a conversation and he told me if I ever get into trouble with anything that he had a spare room for me to go. He led me into the room and showed me and then into the bathroom and said no matter what I could come. It took me all I could not to cry. He told me again and often tells me how proud he is of me and that I’ve grown into an incredible woman.

This man has been in my life for a long time and I love him with all of my heart. He’s been with me through thick and thin. I love how he still wants to protect me even when I’m grown up. I love going and hanging out with him every 6 weeks. I cherish this time we have together. I hate what dementia is doing to him. Each time I go I see him more confused and he can’t understand why things are like they are. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle. I reassure him until the next thing he’s worried about. I watch him talk about where he lived in Winnipeg and today he told me he was going after breakfast to swim in the Red river. He thought he was back where he grew up as a boy. I listened and asked him questions and I pulled up a map of the street he lived on.

I saw lots of confusion after I took him out yesterday to get his watches fixed so he knew what day and date it was. When we got home he didn’t know where we were. He often said to me he didn’t know what was wrong with his mind. It’s so hard to watch. Despite all of that I have to take the good things out of it and cherish each moment with him. I will never regret any of the time we spend together and I try to make our time together the best. I see him struggling to figure out if he’s married at all. My mom has photos of them around her home so then he remembers and he’s really emotional and he tells me she’s his best friend, but he can’t figure out where she’s gone. My mom is grieving the loss of her husband and yes it effects me lots as well because here’s the dad I’ve dreamed of my whole life and I’m watching him slowly slip away. It was hard this weekend. Today was the hardest day.

This video is from Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. My favorite place in the world. My home away from home. I love this message for Easter. Easter is my favorite time of the year because It is finished and He is risen indeed. Troy says it so well in his message. HAPPY EASTER Everyone!!!

Oh man it’s been a rough week. I just went along with all that happened. It was not until today I realized that the triggers I had this week were all related together. I’ve been reading a book called when your body keeps score. It’s about people with trauma and how your body responds to stress and triggers. Our bodies are amazing how they respond to stress and how to survive such trauma. For me when things get to much I get sick. Everyone knows about Fight, Flight or Freeze.

This week I was shook up with the first incident. I was not involved with it but it bothered me a lot. When I’m really stressed or overwhelmed I feel spaced out by it and then I get stress dreams. Then the next day a similar thing happened but it effected me more because it was with a child I know well. Again it shook me up and it taps into my PTSD. Then I’m on edge. A third thing happened yesterday and it scared me a lot and I wanted to run from it but I was out supervising the children. I called for help instead. I couldn’t do anything about it so I started to numb it out. That’s how I cope with things I can’t control. I had more stress dreams.

When your busy you can’t stop to figure out what is happening. I prayed about it silently. This morning I woke up not feeling well. I realized today after I was totally exhausted that I had used food as an escape. I was telling a friend today all the crap I’ve eaten this past week. While this was all happening I did not stop and clue in what was going on. Now looking back on it I see triggers from 3 incidents that all were related. They triggered being taken from my mom even though I have no memory of that. That feeling of not being able to do anything about it and the third incident of feeling safe. It probably would have been better if by now I’m not in heightened mode of PTSD.

I will get sick my body just shuts down when it’s too much to deal with. I’ve come so far in my life and triggers are less and less. I hate it as it makes me feel really vulnerable. I want to just stay at home and isolate but I will force myself to go out. Sickness is how my body copes with the stress and the trauma. I hope as I get healthier and healthier I can catch the trigger before it gets to this point.

You never forgot trauma but it’s way better then it was. I spent today praying and letting myself know that I’m safe. I know I’m safe it’s the situations around me but I have to trust God that it will all be ok. Instead of staying in this unhealthy place I’m CHOOSING to work through it. My faith just grows more and more and I know that God is with me no matter what. This is my favorite verse above. God continues to renew our strength and with Him we won’t be weary or faint. Such a great promise.

Today we said goodbye to an awesome man. Bruce I did not know you for a long time but what I saw was a man who loved people and life. I met you and your wife at our church. I saw you come to church every week and come to all the extra services. You were a man who observed things from a far and when you spoke you had much wisdom. I loved to hear you speak because you spoke from your heart. I saw a man who was so kind and gentle and loved your family so much. Twice up at camp Imadine I was blessed to be in your group with you and Sue. When we got to introduce ourselves Sue would share her part of your life and then when you spoke the stories that you had. I was fascinated and especially loved the story about how you met your future wife at the train station. God indeed had an amazing plan for both of your lives. I loved your sense of humor and it came out especially when you teased someone.

Today I learned a whole bunch more about Bruce’s life. The adventures the misson trips the experiences with your wife and your two children. The life you lived the fight from cancer before you were married and that you should not have survived. God had other plans. You survived and lived a good life. Your story will live on through your wife, children, grandchild and your family. Before Bruce died he had a vision that when he died he would fall and land in God’s lap. Heaven rejoiced when Bruce came to heaven. He’s probably up there having debates with the Lord.

Bruce I will miss you and so will a lot of people, you touched so many people’s lives. I loved hearing the stories today. They made me laugh and cry. That smile of yours that lit up every room you entered. The friendships you had all over the world. You left an amazing legacy that we won’t forgot. Until we meet again.

How do you unpack 14 years of abuse, neglect and never knowing what will happen to you next? I never felt safe in my home. I wanted to die over and over again. I tried to commit sucide and I couldn’t even do that right. I just got really sick and had my stomach pumped out. Something you only try once. When I went to Oregon one Christmas. I went for a walk in the wilderness with my good friend. A woman who helped me see that not only was God with me all those years of calling out that He often held me. When I thought I was alone in my many bedrooms. My friend prayed for me to see that God was always there for me. This time in the wilderness we both kneeled in the dust and sun among the Sage bushes. We prayed and I forgave my dad and stepmom and I laid all my addictions at the foot of the cross. I asked God to forgive me for using addiction to run from my issues. We both prayed together and I forgot that my friend was with me. It was just me and God. The sun beat on her faces in December. It should have been snowing that day but instead it was a really warm day.

After that prayer I felt lighter in my step. Bend Oregon is high up so I’m not used to the altitude so before we knelt down to pray my head felt like it would explode. I live at sea level. After we prayed my headache was completely gone. I could breathe so much better. That day my life changed. I still had to work really hard to stay sober and figure out how to not want a high. I had one more slip and then that was it no more. My accountability partner as always stood beside me and encouraged me to move forward and love myself. She taught me and gave me tools to use. I had to find things to keep me busy when I was on holidays or breaks from school. I would knit a lot because when you knit you couldn’t be in addiction. I painted lots of rocks and read lots of books. I listened to loud worship Music as much as I could. I listened to podcasts and downloaded audio books. I journaled lots and started writing blogs. I wrote often and I reached out to my friends. I started to work on myself and slowly it took a while to see how God looks and feels about me.

I colored lots and did puzzles and kept myself busy with healthy things. They say it takes 20 days to break a habit. It took me a while a bunch of days to help it stick. Still my hardest thing was my emotions and feeling. I used to think I would die if I felt. My accountability partner would smile at me and tell me that she knows of nobody that ever died from feeling. Sitting with those emotions was awful but now emotions are easier to deal with and guess what I’m still alive. My whole life I numbed out pain, ran from it and used addiction to cope. She taught me how to stand on boundaries when things got to much. She taught me how to scream my guts out in my car to release frustration. It felt better when I did. I don’t think she knows that as I would always tell her I can’t do that.

I am the person who I am today because people in my life loved me and encouraged me to never give up no matter what. They pushed me and helped me grow. They believed in me when I didn’t know how. They loved me and prayed with me. They helped me survive my life and for that I’m internally grateful. Just like God in my life being there for me no matter what. I’m blessed to have these people. Thank you God for sending them. I also help others and encourage them just like it was done for me. Love conquers all. ❤️

Today I watched Dr. Phil and his show was about people who came on his program and had addiction issues and how all his guests now are sober from their addictions. They thanked Dr. Phil and his staff for helping them and changing their lives. They came so desperate and almost on deaths step. Yesterday I wrote a blog about being almost 4 years free of addiction. One of the guests on his show said that she remembered even though Dr. Phil was tough on her she felt that love and compassion from him even when she was so messed up.

I don’t share maybe as often as I should about my sobriety and where I was before I got sober. One of the things that stands out huge to me in my life was finding people or persons who stood by me no matter what. For years on end I tried to not to fall in addiction. I’ve had multiple addictions I fell back on. When one went away there was always another to replace it. I hid a lot in my addictions because who wants to tell their friends you fell again. I love my friends a lot but sometimes even though they never said it you could tell they just didn’t quite know what to do or say. Some have stood by me since day 1. Those people understand what addiction is. For me what got me through was a woman who stood by me and pushed me when I didn’t want to stop or just have up trying because it was to hard. I manipulated, lied did everything I could to get my next high. I used addiction to numb when things got bad or I just didn’t know how to feel.

This person never gave up on me. When I pushed her hard she pushed me back with love and grace. As I write I’m crying because when your in addiction that’s not who you really are. When I was in my addiction I was a different person then who I was sober. I often was told I could do this. It was hard and I made tough choices and slowly I got better and better and fell less often. I worked hard on myself because do you think that I liked who I was. I hated myself and I was filled with shame. Even though I did not like what I heard many times. I prayed and sometimes many times a day to get through.

I knew that if I have up my counselling and support I would not be alive today. The day I kneeled down to ask God to kill me or fix and that no matter what He asked me to do I would do it. He told me one day brushing my teeth that I could get free from my addiction with forgiveness. I had to forgive the two people I hated so much. I wrestled with Him on this. I fought it so hard and got deeper into addiction. My accountability partner told me that it’s not forgiving them for what they did to me all those years. It was about breaking free from the hate I felt in my heart. It was about them never being able to hurt me again. It was about me forgiving God for me thinking He was never there when I called out to Him as a kid.

Things are so different in my life today then they even were a year ago. I’ve been on Spring break the past two weeks and this week I’ve been so busy doing work in and outside my home. Cleaning up from the winter and trying to make my yard look decent. As I was painting a garden sign today that I was going to throw out because it had faded. Then I realized I had a whole bunch of paint so I gave it a new look. As I was painting it I realized my life is similar to this sign. Before I got healed from addiction I was tired and beaten down. I looked and felt rough and rotten. Anytime I had weeks off work I had to check in with my accountability partner and show her a plan on how I had planned to stay sober. It was a challenge for me because boredom was my biggest trip up.

As I was painting my sign I realized that this year I did not need to outline my plan on how to stay sober. I can’t ever imagine going back into addiction again. This year is my fourth year of sobriety. Yes I still have an accountability partner which I will have until the day I take my last breath. Accountability keeps me striving everyday to keep my sobriety. In addiction I had an awesome counselor who challenged me when I needed it. I also had God to lean on everyday when I felt like I could not do it anymore. I worked hard to overcome addiction and in the end I needed to forgive. Forgiveness is not a pass on what people have done to you in your life. For me it was setting me free from the hate I felt in my heart. Every time I hated I fell in addiction. The only way I could forgive was through God’s grace. That is why I can stand here today sober.

This tired faded sign just needed some love and a good coat of paint to make it new again. For us we need the Lord to love us no matter where we are in life. We need Him to renew our broken, tired souls. We need Him when the hardest thing to do is forgive. That broke the chains of addiction for me. Today I live a healthy life, I still am really careful to guard my heart so that I remain sober.

If your hurting and need help with addiction. Find someone you can trust to talk to. Cry out to God He is waiting for you. I share my story with you because I don’t want to forget where I came from to who I am today in redemption. ❤️

One of my friends a couple of weeks ago suggested I join her in this painting. I thought because there had been many things in my life that this would be something to cheer me up and it was sunflowers. In the back of my mind the old saying came up that I was not going to be able to do this but I would try. My art teacher she’s a Christian and before her showing us how to paint she did amazing devotionals. Even though I could not paint when she did I listened to her devotions every morning before work. She suggested we watch and paint later. The first day I painted I thought I would pass out from the stress. God had shared with me before I started that I had a strong hold with painting.

God reminded me that I had vowed as a child that I would never do art or have anything to do with it. I avoided painting at all costs. My dad is an artist and every time things got rough out hard for him he escaped into his office to paint. The most painful thing for me with this was that my tiny room was off his office and he competely ignored me. I would cry out to him to help me and he just ignored me. His paintings were more important than his own daughter. I grew to hate him and his paintings. I remember making that vow.

As I started this painting I could bearly breathe. I felt stressed so much and pushed through it. The second day the devotional was on trust. I cried throughout most of the devotion. I asked God to remove that vow I made and help me to forgive my dad for using his art as an escape and ignoring me when I cried out to him over and over again. I asked God to wash all this pain away from me and renew my heart. I love what Christine said about trusting and about just painting.

This is my painting. When I released all this pain this is what I was able to create and God showed me that I could do this. I’m so proud of myself for letting go and letting God heal another part of my life through forgiveness. I found painting so relaxing and fun. Who knew. I signed up to paint once a month with Christine my favorite part was we were not allowed to say anything negative about what we painted and we had to share our progress with the group. I had never painted like this let alone put it on a canvas. I’m looking forward to painting more and learning how to be free and trust the process. I’m so glad I signed up and broke free of my bondage. Thank you Lord!!!