Author: walking in freedom

Little girl safe and warm in the arms of her mom. She’s loved and cared for. She’s young so that’s all she knows. She laughs and is starting to learn about the world around her. At one and a half you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.

All of a sudden your world is turned upside down. The woman you know as mom is suddenly gone. You recognize your dad and your brother but lose that one form of attachment you ever knew.

You cry a lot but nobody hears or seems to care. You snuggle up as close as you can to your older brother who is five and a half.

Your scared why all of a sudden is life so different. You get on a plane with your dad and your brother and it’s a long flight all day.

You end up at another person house and hear lots of loud voices. You feel scared and who are these people you don’t reconize them. You’ve never seen them. They seem cold and detached just your dad. You try to get his attention and he seems frustrated lots so as a young girl you learn quickly crying gets you nowhere.

Why are you here? Where is your mom? Nothing you have is your own everything is new. Why do you feel so alone even though your with your dad and your brother? Your brother is quiet, he’s never been quiet before.

Nothing is the same your scared of loud voices and this man and woman who are helping look after us. All you want as a little girl is to have someone tell you they love you and it’s gonna be ok.

One day we move again we get on a boat and we head away from where we were living. I don’t why but my dad is really tense and we just go along with him.

When you’re that young you have no idea what is happening but you do know you’ve lost the one person you loved and trusted. You have no choice but to go alone with what is happening to you.

Years later you find out you were kidnapped from your mom and you have no idea whether you will see her again.

This weekend in Canada it’s Thanksgiving here. I love this time of year so much to be thankful for. In the night the fog rolls in and it’s cooler outside. The leaves are changing colors yellows, reds and oranges. Autumn walks through the leaves that crunch under your feet when you walk through them. Leaves piled up high for children to jump and hide in. Sweaters and fires cracking in the fireplaces. Warm blankets to cozy up with and your favorite books on rainy days. Good food with family and friends. Laughter filling the air with turkey and pumpkin pies.

This year I’m so thankful that my job was continued at my school. It’s changed a bit for now but I love teaching, using laughter and helping this children learn and grow. My job is the best even if tough sometimes. Yesterday one of our kindies said that he was so angry that he was on fire. Ha ha kids say the darnest things. I’m so thankful for the teacher I get to work with. Her heart and soul are with those children. She’s really listening to how they feel about certain things and is not rushing them. She’s meeting their needs not her own. I love her calm way she is with every child. I’m blessed.

I’m thankful for my family and that I can hang out with my dad when my mom needs respite care for her. I love my dad so much. Dementia is hard to watch as it strips you of your memories now. I will take as many days as I can now. I love walking on the beach and finding different rocks and laughing with my dad. I’ve gone through some trials with my family this year but even though it was hard it’s growth for us all.

I’m so thankful for all the awesome amazing friends I have in my life. I have many awesome people. Thank you for always been there for me and guiding me and encouraging me. I could not do this life without you. ❤️I’m thankful for all my American friends whom I’ve not seen in two years because of Covid. They are part of my family know that even if I’m not there I’m thinking about each of you.

I’m so thankful for my aunt Claire she’s a woman after my own heart. She understands me so well and we have lots in common and I love her spirit and who she is to do many. I’m thankful for my new counselor she’s awesome. New is hard for me but new is growth and she’s great.

I’m thankful for my new home and that I can have my dog Zeke and Jonas my rabbit with me. My new home is beautiful and I have a beautiful garden. I’ve been blessed living here. My new Landlords are awesome and I’m enjoying getting to know them.

I’m so Thankful for the relationship I have with the Lord. I love how it just grows and grows. I still get really excited about spending time with Him. He’s my comforter, He gives me that inner peace I feel often and He gives me that encouragement to reach out to others. He looks after me and He’s always there for me no matter what. So many blessings and so much to be thankful for.

What are you thankful for today? What blessings do you have in your life?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE 🦃🍁🍁🙂❤️

Eight months ago the same day my friend Sue her husband died, my friend Elicia Brown had a brain aneurism. She was singing with Ce Ce Winnins when she had this horrific headache. I did not find out until a few days after when her family was asking for prayer. I was grieving Bruce. I’m glad I didn’t find out until a few later. She had two big growths in her brain one was the size of a grapefruit and the other the size of a lemon.

She had both removed and was in a coma for almost two weeks. Most people with the same aneurysm as Lici have died. The longer she was in the coma the less chance of survival. I know Lici from Beth Moore she’s part of her worship team. I met Lici at a conference in NC about 20 years. The first time I heard her sing wow she’s a powerhouse and I’ve watched her career in singing explode. She’s a very talented singer and she knows people all over the world. People who didn’t even know her but heard her singing at Beth Moore conferences they all band together to pray for Lici. Her family were overwhelmed by the response and she came out of the coma at two weeks and she worked so hard in physical therapy and rehab. Everyday but by bit she got better. For months on end I played the song that I put down below for you to listen to. She will tell you that many who had the same stroke as her do not survive. This woman’s story is not one yet. She’s a miracle. Miracles still do come true.

Today I listened to a live with her and she talks about how hard this has been for her. She can’t sing yet but her neurologist told her that she will have a full recovery. It will take time but everyday I see her stronger and stronger. It’s hard also because her daughter is living with her ex husband far away from her. Last week was the first time she saw her daughter since this happened. I bet that was the most incredible reunion. Every day Lici gets stronger. I love that she will have a full recovery. Thank you Lord for her life. Pray with me as she continues to recover and slowly get her life back as it once was. Enjoy this song it’s one of my favorites.

Watch “”Ain’t No Grave / Alive Forever Amen” // Travis Cottrell feat. Elicia Brown // Live” on YouTube. https://youtu.be/XmrLgmN3ssA

Little girl who is lost in this big huge world.

Nobody to love her,

Nobody to look out for her.

Who will she turn too and trust when she’s scared.

How come nobody loves her, she’s a beautiful blonde haired girl.

She fades into the background, hoping that nobody notices her.

She’s like a shadow that people just pass by.

Will anybody notice her, will they reach out and love her.

All she wants is someone to smile at her to let her know it will be ok.

At school the children don’t ever seen to notice her, she fades in the background even at school.

The children make fun of her because she’s awkward, her clothes are old and ragged.

She keeps her head down eye contact makes it harder.

Finally a lady who had
cerebral palsy reaches out and smiles. The children make fun of her how she walks. The girl looks for her each day she makes me feel better even for a moment.

This woman makes school a better place. She works at the school library. This lady Mrs. Baker introduces the girl to reading.

Reading is the best escape and those stories give the girl hope that there is a better life out there.

The adventures in reading and stories is so good. The lost girl feels like this woman really cares and the stories are so much better then her life.

Imagination is amazing and it fills up all the voids in the girls life. Imagination and fantasy keep the little girl alive one more day one more year.

Today I took a professional development day to listen to a panel of indigenous people talk about their experiences working with children and their families. I was very touched by each of their stories. I love how much I’m learning and keep learning from these amazing people. It’s hard to hear how about how they were changed or made fun of for having brown eyes. It’s hard to hear how they were treated. I love their courage to be able to speak out and tell their stories and help us understand their language and culture. Each story was unique.

One of the guys spoke about still working with the children and teaching them about cultures and learning and teaching them their language and his face and whole body lit up when he talked about the children. The children teach him everyday and he teaches them. Towards the end of the session this man told us that he was part of the residential school and how he had been stripped of everything in his culture. When he came home his mom spoke no English and how he had to learn his language and culture again. He became an Early childhood educator because his childhood was stolen from him and he wanted to make sure that that never happened to any child again.

His story really hit home for me and as I was driving today I keep thinking about what this man said. I realized that this indigenous man is changing lives of children and families he works with everyday. He took his past that had been ripped from him and he turned out into something every beautiful. He talked about watching these children grow up and learn in healthy environments.

I realized that he used his truama from his life to bring something lovely to children now. He’s an advocate for all the children who are in his care. Why it touched my heart so much is that’s exactly what I’ve done with my life and my past. I became an Early childhood educator because of not wanting children to ever endure what I did as a child. I stand up for those who cannot speak out for themselves. That would be our precious children. I lost my childhood but I can help those children that come every day to school. I can make them laugh and make them feel comfortable and trust me that I will help them.

Love is medicine no matter who it comes from. Make sure that whether you work with children at school, Daycare or your own children let them know you love them, and that they can be whomever they want and that through kindness and love we can change children’s lives one life at a time. ❤️

Sometimes it seems like we have to wait really long for things we want or it never seems like the right time. Sometimes we pray for things that never seem to come to pass. It’s not that God has forgotten us it’s just not the right timing. God often uses what we are waiting for His glory.

For a long time I was writing my memoirs. They are really hard to write and I’ve written a lot but then I stopped. I’ve put them out of my mind until today I feel I’m supposed to continue writing them. I feel huge peace about this decision which always means that it’s God’s timing. My memoirs are written really raw because you can’t pretty up abuse.

I have found over the years it’s easier for me to blog then write about my life. I do love writing so I would appreciate prayers. I will blog alongside writing and maybe I will give you snippets of what I’m writing. This is God’s story He’s just used me to tell it. I would appreciate prayers from all of you. Thanks.

Yesterday I wrote about Zeke and his devoted loyalty to me. Today I’m writing about the devoted loyalty that we experience from having Christ in our lives. Similar to what I wrote about Zeke is exactly how it is when we have relationships with Jesus. He loves us more than we can ever imagine. He stands in the gap for us and He protects His relationship with us. He’s with us thriving thick and thin and He wants a relationship with us. With Jesus He wants the same for us and that peace I feel in my life is His Eternal gift. When I’m walking side by side with Him He’s got me in the Palm of His hands. When I feel lonely, abandonment, rejection, unwanted or any of those feelings. I turn to the Lord and He brings that eternal peace to my life.

God protects us from all that is out to get us and he’s extra protective of His children. I had forgotten until my Aunt reminded me today that my life has been under attack since I was a little girl. She reminded me that when I was really little I had really serious pneumonia and almost died. Again God reached out and healed me and helped me live. Throughout all the challenges in my life when people tried to take me out and then when I tried to end my life God kept me alive. He has had a purpose for me since day one and I love the passion I have in my life for people that can’t stick up for themselves. I’m their voice especially those precious children.

That is why sharing our stories with others is so important. Our stories help others. It gives them Hope and Encouragement so those with tough stories like mine can start to heal and forgive. Forgiveness is the key to healing those broken parts of our lives. The only way I could ever be so far in my life is because of Christ. I love Him with all my heart He’s the love of my life. So as much as I love my dog I love Christ so much more.

I recently shared my story with a complete stranger on the phone she was asking me questions about my life and who I was. Only people closest to me know my story and this woman who I did not know she was filled with compassion and caring. As I was able to share bits about my life I know she appreciated it and told me when I ever write my book she will buy a copy of it. You never know when you share your story who you will touched by it. God uses it for His glory. ❤️

I learned a valuable lesson this week about loyalty. It took a wise woman to show me the truth of what I had sitting in front of me. Many of you know I own a almost 5 year old labradoodle. Zeke is a very sensitive dog who knows exactly how I’m feeling and from day one has stood by my side. Through a very hard emotional abusive marriage he stood beside me and protected me when I needed him the most. He loved me unconditionally.

I have PTSD so that makes my emotions huge sometimes and Zeke knows when that happens he needs to beside me even more. Not only is Zeke loyal, intuitive, and smart he’s there for me no matter what. Zeke is often perceived in the world as unfriendly, not a dog you could trust or very high needed dog.

After my golden retriever died I wanted a very different dog from her. A couple of years later Zeke came into my life. I’ve never had a labradoodle before but fell in love with him since day one. He and I have gone through a lot together through thick and thin. A lot of labradoodles love people lots and will run up to them to get attention. Zeke is reserved he needs to figure out who these people are but when he does he’s your best friend for life. The people who know Zeke in my life love him so much.

The whole time I’ve owned him I’ve been told he’s to much for me to handle and that I should rehome him my family and now my friends. Concerned that Zeke takes up too much time in my life, he’s to needy. My wise friend reminded this weekend that the reason Zeke is back to being so protective is because we moved from the only house he knew. He’s stressed and I’ve been unsettled because this move even though it’s good for both of us is a reminder that my marriage is over. It’s been an adjustment. I got in my head this weekend and thought that rehoming Zeke would be the best for everyone. Now my friends are telling me that but Claire she reminded me that he’s doing that because he’s so intuitive in my feelings. Also he’s been there for me through thick and thin and I now need to do the same for him. Claire shared many insights with me about Zeke and I. Some I had not even considered and I already knew before her email there was no way I was going to give him up without a massive fight.

Zeke is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. It seems that things I love leave my life or they walk away. Abandonment is huge in my life and the one thing that is constant is Zeke. I’m not listening to people who do not understand the bond Zeke and I have. Zeke is my therapy dog. We will get through this transition like every other we’ve been through. Since changing my attitude towards him I have noticed he’s different as well. When I relaxed he does as well. Thank you Claire for showing me what I had in front of me. Zeke you and I will continue this journey together. Love you buddy 🐕‍🦺❤️🙂

Not written in a while and have been encouraged by my counselor to get writing again. Started school again 17 days ago and I have to admit I’ve been really challenged in my classroom to the point where I wanted to change and go somewhere else. I was in flight mode and tried everything I could to change. After seeing my counselor this week I realized that when I didn’t know how to handle a situation I was patient and then would become super frustrated when I couldn’t change the outcome. I have super high expectations of myself and the frustration came from not having control of the situation and feeling stupid or dumb. That’s why I wanted to run because I did not want to feel incompant at work. My teacher told me I’m doing an awesome job and I realized that it was not my job to try and control the situation.

I’m in a class with a child who has autism. I realized that the whole time I’ve worked in Early childhood education over 35 years that I’ve never worked with a child full time with autism. I’ve covered lunch breaks but not day in and day out. I find it hard to figure out what he wants and when he freaks out how to help him. My teacher reminds me that I need to keep it simple and repeat what I want done. Don’t use lots of words. There is lots of stress there. I can’t imagine how hard it is every day processing life with autism.

My counselor asked me this week when I didn’t do something right as a child who was that person who became angry or upset with me. My stepmom was so critical of me and no matter what I did right it was always wrong. Those high expectations have caused me to reach for perfection that I can’t reach so I get frustrated when it’s not going the way I want it to go. I had no idea this was tied to my past. Also for me to get frustrated and not want to work with a child or children that’s not me at all.

Once I switched my mind and figured out why I did not want to work in my room it all changed for me and I love my room and all the children and the child with autism I think we have figured out when he gets overly stressed is when he’s tired or hungry. He now comes and sees me and he will tell me he’s tired or hungry. He’s a runner and so we don’t chase him and he always comes back. When it gets too hard for us there is always help in the school.

I’m so glad I didn’t run from this. I asked my principal to change and he told me no. I also learned that I needed to change how I eat because my knees hurt so much so I’ve started eating foods that don’t inflame my body and it really helps. I’ve realized that I need to better myself and my body at school so that’s good.

So even though it’s been tough I stuck with it and learned a whole bunch of things about myself. I would have missed out on this incredible opportunity. The children in my class are lovely and come to me when they feel sad, happy or whenever. I had lost my mo jo but now it’s back again. I’m so glad I wasn’t able to run away from things that are hard. I stayed and fought. Next time things are hard well you run away or will you stay and fight and work out out.