Beauty from Ashes.

Little girl who is lost in this big huge world.

Nobody to love her,

Nobody to look out for her.

Who will she turn too and trust when she’s scared.

How come nobody loves her, she’s a beautiful blonde haired girl.

She fades into the background, hoping that nobody notices her.

She’s like a shadow that people just pass by.

Will anybody notice her, will they reach out and love her.

All she wants is someone to smile at her to let her know it will be ok.

At school the children don’t ever seen to notice her, she fades in the background even at school.

The children make fun of her because she’s awkward, her clothes are old and ragged.

She keeps her head down eye contact makes it harder.

Finally a lady who had
cerebral palsy reaches out and smiles. The children make fun of her how she walks. The girl looks for her each day she makes me feel better even for a moment.

This woman makes school a better place. She works at the school library. This lady Mrs. Baker introduces the girl to reading.

Reading is the best escape and those stories give the girl hope that there is a better life out there.

The adventures in reading and stories is so good. The lost girl feels like this woman really cares and the stories are so much better then her life.

Imagination is amazing and it fills up all the voids in the girls life. Imagination and fantasy keep the little girl alive one more day one more year.

Today I took a professional development day to listen to a panel of indigenous people talk about their experiences working with children and their families. I was very touched by each of their stories. I love how much I’m learning and keep learning from these amazing people. It’s hard to hear how about how they were changed or made fun of for having brown eyes. It’s hard to hear how they were treated. I love their courage to be able to speak out and tell their stories and help us understand their language and culture. Each story was unique.

One of the guys spoke about still working with the children and teaching them about cultures and learning and teaching them their language and his face and whole body lit up when he talked about the children. The children teach him everyday and he teaches them. Towards the end of the session this man told us that he was part of the residential school and how he had been stripped of everything in his culture. When he came home his mom spoke no English and how he had to learn his language and culture again. He became an Early childhood educator because his childhood was stolen from him and he wanted to make sure that that never happened to any child again.

His story really hit home for me and as I was driving today I keep thinking about what this man said. I realized that this indigenous man is changing lives of children and families he works with everyday. He took his past that had been ripped from him and he turned out into something every beautiful. He talked about watching these children grow up and learn in healthy environments.

I realized that he used his truama from his life to bring something lovely to children now. He’s an advocate for all the children who are in his care. Why it touched my heart so much is that’s exactly what I’ve done with my life and my past. I became an Early childhood educator because of not wanting children to ever endure what I did as a child. I stand up for those who cannot speak out for themselves. That would be our precious children. I lost my childhood but I can help those children that come every day to school. I can make them laugh and make them feel comfortable and trust me that I will help them.

Love is medicine no matter who it comes from. Make sure that whether you work with children at school, Daycare or your own children let them know you love them, and that they can be whomever they want and that through kindness and love we can change children’s lives one life at a time. ❤️

Sometimes it seems like we have to wait really long for things we want or it never seems like the right time. Sometimes we pray for things that never seem to come to pass. It’s not that God has forgotten us it’s just not the right timing. God often uses what we are waiting for His glory.

For a long time I was writing my memoirs. They are really hard to write and I’ve written a lot but then I stopped. I’ve put them out of my mind until today I feel I’m supposed to continue writing them. I feel huge peace about this decision which always means that it’s God’s timing. My memoirs are written really raw because you can’t pretty up abuse.

I have found over the years it’s easier for me to blog then write about my life. I do love writing so I would appreciate prayers. I will blog alongside writing and maybe I will give you snippets of what I’m writing. This is God’s story He’s just used me to tell it. I would appreciate prayers from all of you. Thanks.

Yesterday I wrote about Zeke and his devoted loyalty to me. Today I’m writing about the devoted loyalty that we experience from having Christ in our lives. Similar to what I wrote about Zeke is exactly how it is when we have relationships with Jesus. He loves us more than we can ever imagine. He stands in the gap for us and He protects His relationship with us. He’s with us thriving thick and thin and He wants a relationship with us. With Jesus He wants the same for us and that peace I feel in my life is His Eternal gift. When I’m walking side by side with Him He’s got me in the Palm of His hands. When I feel lonely, abandonment, rejection, unwanted or any of those feelings. I turn to the Lord and He brings that eternal peace to my life.

God protects us from all that is out to get us and he’s extra protective of His children. I had forgotten until my Aunt reminded me today that my life has been under attack since I was a little girl. She reminded me that when I was really little I had really serious pneumonia and almost died. Again God reached out and healed me and helped me live. Throughout all the challenges in my life when people tried to take me out and then when I tried to end my life God kept me alive. He has had a purpose for me since day one and I love the passion I have in my life for people that can’t stick up for themselves. I’m their voice especially those precious children.

That is why sharing our stories with others is so important. Our stories help others. It gives them Hope and Encouragement so those with tough stories like mine can start to heal and forgive. Forgiveness is the key to healing those broken parts of our lives. The only way I could ever be so far in my life is because of Christ. I love Him with all my heart He’s the love of my life. So as much as I love my dog I love Christ so much more.

I recently shared my story with a complete stranger on the phone she was asking me questions about my life and who I was. Only people closest to me know my story and this woman who I did not know she was filled with compassion and caring. As I was able to share bits about my life I know she appreciated it and told me when I ever write my book she will buy a copy of it. You never know when you share your story who you will touched by it. God uses it for His glory. ❤️

I learned a valuable lesson this week about loyalty. It took a wise woman to show me the truth of what I had sitting in front of me. Many of you know I own a almost 5 year old labradoodle. Zeke is a very sensitive dog who knows exactly how I’m feeling and from day one has stood by my side. Through a very hard emotional abusive marriage he stood beside me and protected me when I needed him the most. He loved me unconditionally.

I have PTSD so that makes my emotions huge sometimes and Zeke knows when that happens he needs to beside me even more. Not only is Zeke loyal, intuitive, and smart he’s there for me no matter what. Zeke is often perceived in the world as unfriendly, not a dog you could trust or very high needed dog.

After my golden retriever died I wanted a very different dog from her. A couple of years later Zeke came into my life. I’ve never had a labradoodle before but fell in love with him since day one. He and I have gone through a lot together through thick and thin. A lot of labradoodles love people lots and will run up to them to get attention. Zeke is reserved he needs to figure out who these people are but when he does he’s your best friend for life. The people who know Zeke in my life love him so much.

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The whole time I’ve owned him I’ve been told he’s to much for me to handle and that I should rehome him my family and now my friends. Concerned that Zeke takes up too much time in my life, he’s to needy. My wise friend reminded this weekend that the reason Zeke is back to being so protective is because we moved from the only house he knew. He’s stressed and I’ve been unsettled because this move even though it’s good for both of us is a reminder that my marriage is over. It’s been an adjustment. I got in my head this weekend and thought that rehoming Zeke would be the best for everyone. Now my friends are telling me that but Claire she reminded me that he’s doing that because he’s so intuitive in my feelings. Also he’s been there for me through thick and thin and I now need to do the same for him. Claire shared many insights with me about Zeke and I. Some I had not even considered and I already knew before her email there was no way I was going to give him up without a massive fight.

Zeke is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. It seems that things I love leave my life or they walk away. Abandonment is huge in my life and the one thing that is constant is Zeke. I’m not listening to people who do not understand the bond Zeke and I have. Zeke is my therapy dog. We will get through this transition like every other we’ve been through. Since changing my attitude towards him I have noticed he’s different as well. When I relaxed he does as well. Thank you Claire for showing me what I had in front of me. Zeke you and I will continue this journey together. Love you buddy 🐕‍🦺❤️🙂

Not written in a while and have been encouraged by my counselor to get writing again. Started school again 17 days ago and I have to admit I’ve been really challenged in my classroom to the point where I wanted to change and go somewhere else. I was in flight mode and tried everything I could to change. After seeing my counselor this week I realized that when I didn’t know how to handle a situation I was patient and then would become super frustrated when I couldn’t change the outcome. I have super high expectations of myself and the frustration came from not having control of the situation and feeling stupid or dumb. That’s why I wanted to run because I did not want to feel incompant at work. My teacher told me I’m doing an awesome job and I realized that it was not my job to try and control the situation.

I’m in a class with a child who has autism. I realized that the whole time I’ve worked in Early childhood education over 35 years that I’ve never worked with a child full time with autism. I’ve covered lunch breaks but not day in and day out. I find it hard to figure out what he wants and when he freaks out how to help him. My teacher reminds me that I need to keep it simple and repeat what I want done. Don’t use lots of words. There is lots of stress there. I can’t imagine how hard it is every day processing life with autism.

My counselor asked me this week when I didn’t do something right as a child who was that person who became angry or upset with me. My stepmom was so critical of me and no matter what I did right it was always wrong. Those high expectations have caused me to reach for perfection that I can’t reach so I get frustrated when it’s not going the way I want it to go. I had no idea this was tied to my past. Also for me to get frustrated and not want to work with a child or children that’s not me at all.

Once I switched my mind and figured out why I did not want to work in my room it all changed for me and I love my room and all the children and the child with autism I think we have figured out when he gets overly stressed is when he’s tired or hungry. He now comes and sees me and he will tell me he’s tired or hungry. He’s a runner and so we don’t chase him and he always comes back. When it gets too hard for us there is always help in the school.

I’m so glad I didn’t run from this. I asked my principal to change and he told me no. I also learned that I needed to change how I eat because my knees hurt so much so I’ve started eating foods that don’t inflame my body and it really helps. I’ve realized that I need to better myself and my body at school so that’s good.

So even though it’s been tough I stuck with it and learned a whole bunch of things about myself. I would have missed out on this incredible opportunity. The children in my class are lovely and come to me when they feel sad, happy or whenever. I had lost my mo jo but now it’s back again. I’m so glad I wasn’t able to run away from things that are hard. I stayed and fought. Next time things are hard well you run away or will you stay and fight and work out out.

On Tuesday I start school again. I can’t wait I’m so ready to get back into the groove of school. I love my school and all the teachers. I love that we get fresh new faces. Kindergarten children are the best. I learned so much from the children we had last year. It’s funny when I do groups of children when they don’t know you they are so quiet and almost scared to participate. I have a great sense of humor so I joke around with them and then it’s amazing how laughter makes them feel more comfortable.

Some of the greatest times I had getting to know the children was sitting out on the bench outside. They are called buddy benches. I have a rock that changes color when it’s warmed up in a child’s hand. It’s a heart rock and it helps the children feel special and helps them when they are sad. I’d sit out with them they would hold the rock and I would ask them questions. Kindergarten children love talking about themselves so they would forgot about whatever they were sad about. I also got to know them as well. They then would come to me outside if they needed help. I am very observant so when I would find a child just sitting on their own I would seek out people to play with them.

As an Early childhood educator I spent lots of time getting to know each child and helping them form relationships so then pretty soon they felt comfortable with their peers. School can feel intimidating to a child but it’s similar to preschool in many ways. I’m working with two teachers this year they both have no EA’s in their class. I’m looking forward to helping them with the children they have and doing my small groups. I can’t wait to see how this year will be with our new children. Kindergarten is fun. God uses me in so many ways at school not just with the children but also with the teachers. I encourage the teachers around me because they work so hard and they love encouragement like anyone else.

I can’t wait to see the Grade One’s. I have missed the children who were in our classes last year. I love that I get to see them out in the playground. I bet they have grown up so much this summer. I know God will use me this next year as well. I can’t wait.

It’s been a whirlwind summer but when you trust God with it all just hang on it’s going to be a wild ride. I finally got moved into my new place last week. For three nights after I moved in all my things into my new house it was not ready for me to move in physically so I stayed at my neighbours. I Believe God puts you in places for reasons. I was so blessed to stay in their home they have become like family to me. Tomorrow I’ve been in my new home for 1 week. The hardest part about downsizing from a house to a suite is seems like I’ve had to sell a lot of things. As I was feeling really down about this I’m reminded that because of a mess up from EI I have not had any income coming in since July 9th. Between selling a lot of things and starting a company that I have a huge passion about. I felt led to start it. To me it’s about how to educate people.

Since I starting selling my Belongings I’ve met so many really neat people in my hometown. I could have just sold my things for the profit but I realized that it’s about giving back to others. When I come back to others I’ve been blessed 100 fold. I got refund cheques from my insurance company, refund for hydro, damage deposit and other cheques that I never expected. God knew exactly what I needed at the right time. I love that that’s having the faith of a mustard seed. ” New International Version
Jesus replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Love that nothing is impossible for you. I realized that this summer. Before I had faith of a mustard seed I would worry about money so much and get stuck in old ways growing up not having enough money or food. I never felt that at all. I knew I would be ok. Today I had an appointment and was told that I didn’t have to pay. Somehow I had a credit. It’s amazing how things like this happen often and next week I get a cheque from my hydro. I hope I get some back pay from EI. This next week I’m doing another Norwex party so I’m looking forward to that. God provides. Thanks Lord for looking after me.

I’ve met some interesting people from selling my things. Today I met a man and his wife who came to Canada from Syria and he came here with his wife and 12 children. I sold him a rug it was not about the money but how much I could bless him and his family he was so happy. A few days I sold a small antique chair to a lady who is a full time student who helps Teens out of addiction. She was super blessed by my generosity. She’s coming back.

I’m two weeks I go back to school who knows when EI will pay me but I know that no matter what God looks after me. It increases my faith as well. So next time you feel unsure about what is happening hold on God’s got you in for the ride of your life.

Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes. You have people in your life your closest to or others that are acquaintances. As people we have to figure how each person who is in our life or comes into our lives fits into it. I recently wrote a post about being singled out. I since removed it because I didn’t want it to look like I was gossiping about the situation. I realized through out all of this that our family does not have to be super close to us. If it is then that’s awesome.

I still like the friendship ring where you put people in your life close to you or further away. The people further away can’t give you what you want on life and that’s ok because you have people close to you that can meet those needs. I always thought that family was supposed to be close with each other and have fantastic relationships. Maybe that’s the fairy tale family. I recently had to put my family further out on the ring and since doing that my expectations have been lowered and I don’t get frustrated or upset with things my family does. They cannot give me what I had expected all those years.

As I sit here pondering about it, I realized that that’s the relationship that God wants with each of His children. He wants us to lean solely on Him. We can never be satisfied with earthly relationships only God can meet all of our needs. So next time your frustrated about a relationship in your life maybe use the friendship ring. It really helps to put people in perspective. For me it’s brought huge peace I can still have a relationship with them but it looks different and that’s ok.