Beauty from Ashes.

I feel I’m being challenged to death right now. I wish my life would slow down. It’s been a tough three months and does not seem to be slowing down. My husband leaving has been the hardest thing for me. So many unknowns but one thing I do know more than anything else is that I fully trust the Lord with all my heart and soul. It’s not always easy. Even though I’m going through this I see God in so much of what I do. He’s brought awesome people into my life. One of those woman is my friend and I have grown to love. She’s always there for me and these past months I’m not sure I could do my life as well as I have. She understands so much about grief and loss and has stood by me in more ways than I could imagine. I love how we both can laugh and cry together. This past week I hurt my back at work and today she came over and helped me organize things in my home that just leave me some what overwhelmed.

God has given me another opportunity to go back to the school I love so much. I find it really hard hurting myself and not being able to work in the position I applied for. I know this is a temporary setback but I find myself second guessing myself. I realized when I needed money God gave me money where I least expected it. Trusting God is all I have in this period of grief and adjustment.

One of the positive things that has come out of this is I’m finding each day more and more peace and that I’m starting to find out who Sarah is and I’m loving that about myself. God has given me so many people and friends and an awesome family. He gives me just what I need to go on. God uses people in my life to give me hope and encouragement like Kim’s book encountering our wild God.

So each day I must continue to Trust you that this temporary and it soon will be a blur in my life once forgotten and on to something else. It doesn’t matter what your going through in your life. Life can be really hard and difficult. Be kind and loving to yourself and for me I must not be so hard on myself. God is looking after me always. Thank you Lord for that. Thanks to all who have prayed for me lately for my back, my job God has heard our prayers and He’s got an awesome plan for me. I just need to be patient. As the saying goes patience is a virtue.

I recently reread this book. I read it when it first came out and I thought it was a really good book. Then I picked it up and wow I loved how much I could relate or just needed that encouragement from the information in the book. Kim Meeder and her husband Troy are good friends of mine. Some of my friends know that they own a ranch in Central Oregon called Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. They rescue horses and team them up with children. I fell in love with this ranch when I visited it in 2009. Since then I have gone many times and I love this place so much. It’s become my home away from home. The ranch is a peaceful, restful healing place for me and I have volunteered there a lot.

Kim is an amazing writer I feel like I’m there when she writes. She is an amazing woman of God and her life now reflects what God has done and is doing in her life. The ranch is a refuge for those who want to know Him more. Kim follows what God instructs her to do Pray Listen and Do. Her stories in this book are simple acts of obedience. The stories offer Hope and encouragement. Kim says ” That’s the wild simplicity of our God.”

This book is about stories of people Kim and Troy have met and how just being there for them has helped others in so many ways. God has lead a lot of different people into their lives but because Kim is willing to do whatever God asks of her people’s lives have been changed. She spreads the gospel who this wild God is to her. She trusts Him with her whole entire life.

Her testimony of her life and meeting the Lord at 9 years old through a horse. This book is very inspiring. She offers practical everyday ways to persue and trust Him no matter what we go through in our lives. I was going to share some stories but I can’t write and capture it the way Kim can. This book I would highly recommend everyone to read.

We all have different journeys in our lives. I’m learning how to Listen, pray and Do. It’s not always easy but it’s a really rewarding place to be. What path has God led you to be on? Where is He leading you in your life? Are you able to allow down and really listen to what the Lord is telling you. I have learned a lot from this and I see God using me every day to make a difference in the lives of others, especially those precious children. God also uses me in prayer. I’m a big prayer Warrior and have seen also things through prayer. My heart and soul is for people.

Follow your passions and Christ will meet you where you are in life.

https://www.lep.co.uk/retro/we-were-very-lucky-prestons-lady-milena-tells-her-incredible-story-75th-anniversary-liberation-auschwitz-1376335

https://snappshots.com/2020/01/28/the-seven-others/

This is a well written article about the seven others who died in the helicopter crash last Sunday.

Walking into a new school each day or week can be scary for me sometimes. I like knowing where I’m going but on call you don’t get that consistency. I see a lot of different children every day they come from all walks of life. Some are leaders and really outgoing, some of them are not sure where they fit. Some are extremely shy and others just trying to get by in life. I’ve always been drawn to those who stand out from everyone else. Probably because I stood out as a child. I never knew where I fit in and no matter how hard you try your just different.

Those are the children I’m drawn to. I love when there is consistency in my life because when there is I can start to draw in those children. Trust for them is huge. I know all to well what that is like. They want to know someone cares for them and appreciate s them for where they are at. They crave attention and seek it out. I see myself in many of the children I see each day. I understand and I know how to help. I’m also drawn to the children who have autism I make sure I stop in the hallway everyday and say hi and acknowledge them. They are often passed by especially with their peers. That’s a lovely place to be.

On the other side of this I see their peers reaching out to them to help them. That puts a smile on my face. If we teach our children acceptance then they will model that to others no matter who they are. EVERY CHILD MATTERS. I recently built up a bond with a boy with autism. He was a really bright boy who has a really good sense of humour. There always is a fine line with him but I learned how to navigate him and see the signs of when he would escalate. I spent half an hour with him everyday while his worker went on lunch. We played together and he made up all the rules he wanted and we laughed together. I love how God gives me the tools I need for each child.

I hear the same thing after spending a week in a class with children why can’t you stay we need you here. I love that I’m wanted wherever I go. I’m making a difference in children’s lives. I love that so much. If I can make one child feel safe in this big world then I’ve done my job.

I used to blame everyone for my horrible childhood but that is what has helped me see children in a light most people miss. I see the brokenhearted and the lost and those that just don’t fit in. I have so much patience and understanding and kindness and empathy in my heart. That has made me who I am today.

What are you good at in your lives? Don’t shy away from it. God will use you in what you’re passions are.

The only way I could ever think of reconnecting with my past is through true forgiveness in my life. A year ago I did just that with my dad and stepmom. Forgiving them was not giving them a free pass on how horrendous my brother and I were treated as children. That will always be etched in my mind. To be forgiven means I’m freeing myself up from their baggage and bondage and not carrying hate in my heart for the two of them.

Hate is such a strong word but that’s how I felt about them both. Some of you know my past some of you don’t. Abuse of all kinds was huge in my life. I was also very neglected and tossed aside. We had animals that got more care then I did. I had been bitter and angry and dispising them for a long time. I already had gone through alcoholism, sexual addiction and using food as a comfort. At some stage in my life I just got so tried of carrying all that around.

I had lived that life for so long. My friend Kim she’s an incredible wise woman of God had me pray with her in the wilderness a year ago at Christmas. Her and I knelt in the dust with the sun pouring down on our faces and I asked God to forgive me for all the hate I carried in my heart for so many years. I prayed for forgiveness for my dad and stepmom. I prayed for their hearts and souls and that God would use them in some way. I prayed God would send someone into their lives. Since that year I pray for them when I feel led too. It’s once in a while but I feel peace about it. That is a huge miracle in my life. Never before have I ever felt peace with those two people.

As this new year rolled around I felt a tug on my heart to reach out to my dad. I have 4 stepsisters and 1 step brother and I have no connection with any of them. My sister and I were really close growing up. I miss her a lot. I believe this communication is to help me reconnect with my siblings. I wrote an email it was brief but I did say that the past would stay in the past and that I was really happy with my life. My dad answered back and the start of communication has begun.

I have no expectations of what will happen here. I have noticed when I take that approach then the hurt is less on your heart and sometimes it becomes really good more than you ever imagined. I don’t know where this will lead us but I do know God’s hand is huge in it and I feel serene peace through it all. One day at a time.

Are there people in your life you need to forgive? I pray that my story can encourage you to forgive those who have hurt you. It’s so freeing to know that these people can no longer hurt me like before. Freedom from forgivess brings peace to one’s soul. Release it to the Lord today.

A really nice man came to my house yesterday and he came to fix my internet. He asked me questions about my internet. He was thinking of moving to BC from Alberta and was looking for good middle schools here. I told him what he was looking for is hard unless he goes to a private school. We talked about schools for a bit. Then he asked me was I the only one who lived in my house and I said yes me and my dog. He said to me why is a nice woman like me was alone.

I told him I’m not alone in my life at all. I have a great job and around lots of people and I have lots of friends and family in my life. I also have the Lord and with Him in your life you are never alone. I’m not sure if he was a believer but he nodded at me. Even though I don’t have a husband in my life or someone else you are never alone with Christ. People come and go but Christ always stays the same yesterday, today and always.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says ” Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid, because the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you.”

Isaiah 41:10 says ” Fear not for I am with you, so not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my righteous hand.” Being alone to a non Christian person looks a lot different then a believer.

Two of my friends this weekend renewed their vows. It was a beautiful humble experience. I loved their vows that no matter what happens in life how hard marriage can be they will stand together with each other and each one of us who came. They forgave each other for how they had wronged in the marriage. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not Envy, it does not boast it is never proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoice in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always preserves. LOVE NEVER FAILS. “

I love these verses so much. So don’t ever think because you don’t have that special person in your life that you are alone. We are never alone in Christ. Love never fails.

This is a poem that George MacDonald wrote :

Do not hurry as you walk in grief, it does not help the journey

Walk slowly pausing often: do not hurry as you walk in grief.

Be not disturbed by memories that come unbidden.

Swiftly forgive, and let Christ speak to you unspoken words. Unfinished conversation, will be resolved in Him. Be not disturbed.

Be gentle with the one who walks with grief. If it is you, be gentle with yourself. Swiftly forgive, walk slowly, pausing often.

Take time be gentle as you walk with grief.

As I struggle with grief it hits when you least expect it. It overwhelmes me and takes my breath away. I’m struggling again it gets easier as time goes on and the grief seems less and less. The last two days I feel like depression is creeping in and I feel so overwhelmed at work. I feel like I’m in a daze as I work with the children in the schools I go to.

I find myself second guessing myself am I supposed to be doing this job and then a child smiles or calls my name. I’m making those connections. That is what gives me a glimmer of hope each day. I found this poem today and realized I cannot rush my grief. I need to walk slowly pausing often and to be gentle with myself and not so critical.

This is also the first time I’m experiencing emotions sober without addiction. That is hard for me. Grief is painful and it hurts. I’m so glad I’m going through this grief without addiction. Crying is good and tears come often. I find myself leaning close to the Lord. He is my comforter, my strength and I look to Him in His word.

Everyday gets a bit easier for now it’s hard. Thank you Lord for all you do for me. As well as the Lord he’s put incredible awesome people into my life. I’m grateful for each and everyone of them.

I saw this video today of Steve Harvey how he never lost faith in his dreams, how he never gave up no matter how impossible it seemed. This video is very moving.

I had no idea Steve Harvey lived in parking lots in his car with thirty five dollars in his pocket. Look who he is now.

I’m here to tell you life can be really rough and hard. My dream is to be the best person I can be helping others who have struggles. God has given me a gift of compassion a gift of understanding and a gift of loving others.

Last year I switched careers to work in the school system to help children that struggle. I see many of them like I was as a child and one of my best memories as a kid was the kind compassionate teachers and people who came into my life. They did not care who I was, or what I looked like. They were just there.

I find myself being like that. I can reconize children who are hungry or withdrawn. I find myself reaching out to those with autism and I’m connecting one child at a time. God made my heart so huge that these small children are learning to trust. Trust was huge in my life when there was nothing stable in it. I realized these past 4 months there is so much more to me then I could imagine.

As I embrace this new life it’s hard financially as I took a cut in pay. I’ve had to trust that God will provide and He does. As I wait for that job I’m wanting I’m learning a lot about myself and others.

I also have a huge heart for people that need hope and encouragement in their lives. I’m so thankful for my compassion that God has given me. I always thought my past was a curse now I realize it equipped me for my life.

Don’t give up on your dreams no matter what they are. Keep striving for what it is God intended for you to do. Keep trusting in Him. He’s got it all in His hands.