Beauty from Ashes.

Many of you know I worked for two and a half years with a boy who had been in a drowning when he was 7 months old. His mom and him ended up in a fast moving river in which she drowned and this boy was found face down in the river for about thirty minutes they believe. It was a cold day in the end of January and the cold river shut down the boys body which help him survive.

Firefighters rescued him from that river. We are coming up to the five year anniversary of that day. The boy was airlifted to children’s hospital where he was put into a coma to help his body from the trauma. The incident rocked the community where he lived. It changed many lives forever.

Recovery was slow but this boy fought hard to stay alive. He survived but because he was face down in the water they think for about 30 minutes he suffered with brain damage. His family gathered together trying to make sense of what had happened. The father lost his wife and now his son has brain damage. How do you move on from that.

By God’s grace this family had to move forward. The little boy grew and laughed lots and loved music. When he was two and a half I was given the privilege of working with him and his family. Even though he had lived through this tragedy there was so much he could not do. He needed someone to help him always. His speech and fine motor skills were effected and when I met him he didn’t realize there was a whole world outside of him. When we went out for a walk he only focused on walking. He didn’t see the cars, trucks or anything.

My job was to help him in his daily life at daycare. He was a very shy little boy and I worked with him in his routines. I helped him move forward in so many areas of his life. He couldn’t do hardly anything when I met him. With a amazing team of therapists he came with I put into place all that they wanted me to do. Repition was huge. We stuck to our routine and we worked and worked on the same things and eventually it would click and we could move on.

I taught him how to be independent washing his hands, toilet training that took 7 months. His balance was not good when I met him to now being so good and strong. We worked on fine motor and gross motor skills. When things were hard for him I always told him it’s hard now but when you practice them it becomes easier. There was nothing this boy would not try and his perseverance was amazing.

I got him ready for kindergarten and even his speech had improved so much. He uses a touch chat program to help him communicate with others. Before he left my care his dad and family asked me to be part of their lives. Wow what a gift that is indeed. I see him as much as much as I want and in 4 months he’s got so many more words and clearly speaks them.

Just before Christmas his dad sent me a video of him saying my name for the first time ever. I was brought to tears wow. A couple of days ago I was visiting and he now says my name so clearly and even whines my name. He says to me Hi Sarah. That boy has come leaps and bounds in 5 years. He is a miracle what God has done in his life and continues to do.

My greatest gift is having this boy and his family in my life. I love this boy so much. He has taught me so many things in my life. Never giving up is one of them. His perseverance shines so brightly. I pray that God continues to help him speak more and that He continues to guide him in his life.

Many of us think of a new year with resolutions and goals we may want to achieve in a new year. I myself have been caught in this reflecting on the past year and things I want to change for this year.

I saw a post on a friend’s Facebook about words of inspiration for 2020 every year her and her daughter come up with at least 3 words for their year. This year she put a scripture with her word. I thought this was an awesome idea.

My word I think of this year is Perseverance. I chose this word because my biggest goal this year I want to work on is gaining my seniority at work so that I can return to the school that I love so much. Perseverance in building that relationship I want with God. Perseverance not giving up when things are hard and tough.

This is the scripture I chose to go with my word. We can only fix our eyes on Him and obey what He has for us in this life. Life can be hard but perseverance will always get us through it.

I thought about other words and another word I chose is Joy. When a person is going through Grief it’s sometimes hard to have joy. Joy for me means seeking out the simple things in life. Children playing and laughing. Stopping to smell the roses more often. Laughter for me is huge. I have a really good sense of humor and realized that I could use it in school to help the kids. I’m looking forward to what joy brings me this year.

My last word for the year is Gratitude. There is so much to be grateful for. Over the years I have written in a journal what I’m grateful for but not done it in a long time. Everyday I’m committed to reading scriptures and during that time I will list one thing I’m grateful for. I love gratitude so much.

What words will make up your year this year? I would love to hear yours or anything else that helps you this year.

As I sit here and reflect on my year, it started out well. I was still working at the YMCA with G and preparing him for Kindergarten. I still had a lot more work to do with him before he was ready to go to school. Work kept me really busy. In May I applied for the Victoria School District to become an Educational Assistant in September. I really wanted to work with children that needed extra help and my profession could not give me what I wanted. Nobody can keep working with special needs children with no benefits, no sick time and 4% holiday pay. I made a hard decision to leave my field when the boy I was working with went to school. Many of my friends have also left the field and gone into the school system.

In June I turned 50 and headed off to Bend, Oregon to celebrate with my good friend Rachel and my friends at the ranch. Rachel was turning 40 so we combined our birthday’s together and I was blessed beyond my wildest dreams. My really good friend who runs Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch took me and her assistant to Sparks Lake. They blessed me so much I had never Kayaking before and they took me to this amazing lake. Sparks Lake was formed when the lavas from Mt. Bachelor Volcanic chain blocked the Deschutes River. The Lake is very shallow to being very deep in parts. It is surrounded by South Sister mountain, broken top and Mt. Bachelor. Around the lake is surrounded by meadow, marsh and wetlands. While I was on the lake I was able to see a bald eagle take a fish from an osprey flying away with it’s fish. THe eagle swooped down and took the fish and flew up in the tree. It truly was an amazing sight.

I also had an opportunity to kayak on another lake called Clear lake. You could see trees from under the lake and even though it was really deep you could see these trees below the water. The lava from an volanic erruption scorched the forest redirecting the flow of the river creating Clear Lake. There is an ancient forest below the lake below very blue in color the lake. Apparently the lake is one of the best spots for divers to come to. Clear Lake is surrounded by the Casade Mountains.

I also got to stay on the ranch in a old box car that is now transformed into a rustic western cabin. At first I was not so sure about staying here as its at the back of the ranch and well I’m a city girl. My first night I lay in bed and listened to the frogs croak on the pond and in the distance I could hear wolves howl. The view in the morning was breathtaking and the sunsets at night were spectular. This was on my bucket list to sleep on the ranch and my friend Tim made sure that this was possible for me.

What an amazing birthday and I was so blessed by the very special friends I have in my life. I came back and watched the boy I worked with make huge strides in his life and graduate from his preschool class and now he’s ready to go to kindergarten. I worked with him for two and and a half years and watched this boy grow and learn in huge strides.

In September I started my new job and I have to tell you that I realized I have so amny more skills then I ever knew I had. I love it and love being able to help children that need that extra help. I realized having a good sense of humor helps so much with bilding trust with the students. I was blessed being able to work in the same school for three months with the same children. I had never worked with a child with autism and got to know one of the children at the school and I loved spending time with him. He made that part of my day so great and I looked forward to our time that we shared. I learned so much from him and all the other students. Unfortunately I don’t have enough seniority and had to leave at the end of school.

I did tell the principal and the staff that I get my seniority and I can come back to that school. It was so nice to feel like I belonged and all the staff and children enjoyed having me in their classes. I told the children it was not goodbye and I would be able to come back and work. I told them other children needed me to come to their school and help them. God used me in the school so much and I was told when I was leaving about how I had such a good positive attitude and always was smiling. I will be back!!!!

The last three months have been really tough for me. My husband left to go live in the US. It’s been hard on me, but even though it’s been tough I have seen God using me at school and with people in my life. He’s looked after me well and has placed many people in my life. I have an exceptional church and I saw people come together to help me in my grief. They cooked meals for me and brought me words of encouragement and hope to me. I’m so grateful for each and everyone of those woman and for the lady that set it all up.

My car died and I was blessed to find an awesome vehicle which I had to find on my own. That was a huge experience all on it’s own but now super blessed by that. Two months ago I had to put my cat down due to heart disease and that was very hard and even through all the pain and grief it helped me draw closer to HIm. Christmas was amazing and wishing you all a Happy New Year. No matter what kind of year you had I paray in those times you choose to turn to te Lord. Draw close to Him, he’s waiting for us. I still have tears occasionally but everyday I have the strength to do what the Lord wants for me to do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY READERS……………………..THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING ME AND NEXT YEAR I WILL GO BACK TO WRITING MORE.

Lately I have felt so blessed by so many people and things in my life. I’m in a big transition in my life right now. My husband of 19 years left to move to North Carolina. He left five weeks ago and well I have to admit it has been hard at times. 19 years is a large chunk of your life to married to anyone. My husband wanted to be back in the US and yes he wanted me to go with him, I couldn’t go. I believe I’m supposed to stay here with my family, job and my friends.

After he was gone I needed another vehicle as my suv was having a head gasket issues and I needed to find something more reliable. I looked for a month test drove, chatted with people and got vehicles looked at by my mechanic. Finally I found one and it needed some work so I asked for a price reduction on the vehicle so I could get it fixed. The lady she fixed the ball joint issue, put on two front tires and replaced the battery. She blessed me so much and now I have the best vehicle. It’s a 2007 Hyundai Santa fe. It is in immaculate condition and I did good. I’ve never had air now I do. I am so grateful that this woman came into my life and blessed me with such a fine car.

Since my husband has been gone I got a temporary position at an amazing school. I have wonderful teachers and incredible students. I love my little school a lot. I’ve been praying that I can get a continuing position that comes up right now. Ive been praying that God wants me to be at this school. I just want to be where He wants me to be. I’m learning so many great things here. If it’s suppose to be then it will happen and I feel peace about it and I know that peace only comes from the Lord.

” Let your gentleness be evident to all. The LOrd is near…………….And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillippians 4:7

All my friends and family have gathered around me and I feel very loved thank you all. On the weekend my friend Ruth came by and helped me clean up all my leaves from my front lawn. I felt I had just moved them from one pile to the next. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going when I felt like giving up. I also was able to sell my suv this weekend as well.

During the first two weeks ladies from my church dropped off meals and encouraged me and wow was I ever blessed so much. Though the grief it was nice to know I was well taken care of. Today I read a piece on grief and heartbreaking hardships about them being so painful. It talked about how God allows our hearts to be stretched out of our comfort zone and how this pain can be used for His glory. During these times we realize that faith and hope go hand in hand and when hope is low, faith has the ability to back you up. When we allow God to build up our hope and faith during frief He can turn it into HIs glory and help us minister to others. When we are being stretched we must remember God will show His power and to those who come in your life. God uses everything for HIs glory. I love this nothing is wasted.

I realized that I can get through anything with Christ in my life and a network of awesome people in my life. I need to keep writing and not stop and my grief will keep working in my life and lives will continue to change no matter where I am. Those precious children I work with keep me on my toes in so many ways but loving it all.

So many blessings so many small things keep me smiling and grateful everyday. What are you grateful for today?

Grief is hard no matter what is happening in ones life. My husband left to move away and live out his dreams. He wanted me to go with him but for many reasons I don’t want to go. So he is gone and I am here. I’ve been having a hard time with it. I’m in the throws of grief. My heart feels broken and life just seems to be passing me by. I’m having a hard time with things like church. I feel overwhelmed lots. Last weekend I was downstairs in the church basement having potluck after the service and people all happy and chatting away and laughing. I felt like I was just not even there.

Grief effects people in so many ways for me it’s been making me really sad and that overwhelmed feeling and feeling like I just need quiet and not have to deal with too much of anything. My body physically aches and I feel exhausted. Today has been a bit better. Work is great and distracts me from what is happening. Today my heart does not feel as bad and day by day as long as I look after me will get better and better. I have recieved so many messages texts phone calls and prayers. Even though Larry is gone I feel peace I know that peace is from the Lord.

I sure do have a lot of amazing people in my life. I am a blessed woman. I love how people come together when someone needs something. My church group I belong to has started a meal train for me and so people will bring me food. That in it’s self is such a blessing. It’s hard to make food while in grief. God has promised that He will never leave us no matter what. Even in grief I see God’s grace and goodness around me and I see that so much in the children at the school I’m at right now. One boy this morning said he was thankful that I could come into his classroom and help out. This boy was in grade two. I watched another boy with autism I help him while his worker goes on her break. He was laughing at something I was doing with the magnets. This laugh just melted my heart. God is using these little people to heal my heart from pain.

No matter what is happening God will use this time for His good and His glory. I’m in the best hands possible. Grief will become less and less and healing will continue and I will be sad less. I have an amazing crazy labradoodle in my life and he makes me smile often. Zeke you are an awesome dog.

Thank you to all those who continue to walk beside me in this difficult time. I appreciate you all very much.

I love the faith that my friends who really know me tell me. Those who know me well have told me to apply to the school district and work as an Educational Assistant. I was unsure even after working a couple of weeks. Needs are high in the schools and I often felt helpless on how to help these children. My new job did a big turn a round this past week. I was able to work four days in the same school. I was with a boy who had a lot of anger issues and could be quite unpredictable. For a young boy he had a lot of things going on for him. I loved the class and knew two of the students in there right a way so that was nice. Both of them I had taught in my preschool class. I was in a split class kindergarten and grade one. I felt at home immediately.

The boy I worked with I started to get to know him and hung out with him lots. I also got to stay with him all week and his class. I loved how the teacher taught her students with rhymes for how to make letters. I also got to know the children in the class and was able to help them out so much. On the third day of working with him and helping him out we were walking down the hallway and he reached out for my hand to hold on to it. He was starting to trust me and know that I was there for him no matter what. I realized that my job is about a lot of compassion and understanding and building relationships. Without those relationships those children are not going to be able learn. They want to know they are cared for no matter what. I felt sad I had to leave the school on Friday, but know that I can do this and compassion is huge. I was also told by many including the prinicipal how calm I was and how I had made a big difference in this boy’s life this past week.

The principal also told me that there would be a position coming up for twenty hours and that’s how many people get their foot in the door. Not only did I help this boy out I also felt like I belonged at the school . I realized that there is a bigger part of being an EA and I know I have what it takes, so I need to remember that when things get tough. So far since I have started I have been told many times how calm and great with the children. I’m so glad God gave me a huge heart for those that need care and compassion.

Even though my blogs on my memoirs were hard for people to read I took them down so that I can learn how to write them in a different format. I know from all the things I experienced as a child made me into the person I am today.

Recently while I was down at the beach with my company from out of town I sat on a log and watched this heron. He waited very patiently for that right fish. It was facinating to watch. The heron stood very still waiting. People were coming and going on the beach but it was like he had tuned out the whole world to wait so quietly.

AS I sat I thought about my relationship with the Lord. God wants us to come to him and sit quietly so that we can hear what it is that He wants for us. He wants us to tune out the world and all the distractions so that He is our main focus. My life is very busy right now and no matter how busy it is I still have time to sit with him quietly. I pray everyday on my way to work as I have to do a fair bit of driving to get to my jobs.

Then right at the right time the heron gets the fish and eats it and goes back and continues looking for that right fish again. God wants us to sit and wait for Him just like this heron. Without this food this heron would die, without our food through reading the word and praying our salvation would die as well. We are not much different then this magnificent bird.

This has been a big reminder to me lately when things get tough for me. Even throughout the stress last week I could feel God walking beside me. Along the same lines as the beach one of my favorite stories is about a person walking on the beach. In the dream he noticed two sets of footprints one belonged to him the other to Jesus. As he looked at his life he noticed only one set of footprints. At the lowest parts of his life and the saddest parts there was only one set. He was really bothered by that and asked the Lord ” Lord you said that when I follow you, you’d walk with me. I have noticed that in the hardest times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand that when I needed you the most you were not there.” The LOrd replied ” MY PRECIOUS CHILD, I LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. DURING YOUR TIME OF TRIALS AND SUFFERING, WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS. IT WAS BECAUSE I CARRIED YOU.”

No matter what is going on in our lives God is always there for us. Please do not lose faith. I’m glad to have this reminder with this heron and the footprints poem. Reach out to someone. I have a whole ton of people I can reach out to. My friend Ruth told me this weekend that I have a person for everything in my life. Find someone whom you trust and reach out. Do something good for yourself and remember YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!!

My blog was selected by a panel of feedspot as one of the top 100 Addiction blogs on the web. I was given this at the end of August and just wanted to thank everyone for this honor. Thank you to all those who have liked my blogs and commented on them. This journey of addiction has been a tough journey, but in sobriety a very rewarding one. I want to continue to share my stories with you all.

One of the biggest things in recovery has been listening to others share their journeys and what has helped them. I write and share what is on my heart and what God has done and is doing in my life. God continues to lead me wherever I go and whatever I do in my life. As many of you know life is quite busy and hectic that is why I have not been blogging but when my new job settles down then I can get back to writing. I miss it when I don’t write. Below is the link that shows the Top 100 Addiction Blogs. There is help out there for those that still struggle.

• http://blog.feedspot.com/addiction_blogs/

Rejection is another awful feeling. It makes me feel horrible and as an adult it still stings when it happens to you. I think now I should have broader shoulders but when it’s people who are close to you it hurts even more. Recently I’ve felt this and my first reaction is to ignore them and shut them out. IT’s hard to do and for me and my first reaction is fight/flight. I’m still feeling like shutting them out.

As a child I often felt rejected by my dad and step mom. I never felt loved or wanted. I always thought I was nothing and that’s why nobody cared for me, but now I know that’s a big fat lie. My dads and stepmom were really messed up and now I see none of what I did as a kid was my fault. I still have no idea why they would treat me like that. I still think they must have had mental issues because how could you treat any child like you did with my brother and I.

Rejection seems to follow me around and even as an adult I can’t control how people treat me, but I do know that I’m not putting up with this and even though I cannot control how people treat me I don’t have to stand for it. This is their problem not mine and I’m walking away from it. I already have felt this in my marriage over and over again and that is hard and tough.

Today I decided to forgive the people that I felt rejection from and to walk in freedom with the LOrd. It’s not worth holding a grudge with anyone who has hurt you. Life is too short and I’m not living my life in bitterness. Bitterness and anger and rejection can fester into something really ugly and I lived a lot of life caught in addiction because I blamed my family in Ireland for my crummy family life. Yes my life was really hard and tough but now I am free of that and can live my life as how God intended it to be. I love how God shows us how to love others and forgive. That is our true freedom in this life.

THank you God for showing me this simple concept that can be hard to do. What is God teaching you in your life right now? Are you ready to do the hard thing or are you going to hold on to bitterness and anger. Let go and let GOd move in your life.

When I was in addiction I used to feel a lot of shame and unworthiness, that I was no good and that nobody would ever like me for whom I was. I felt like I could never measure up to anything. I often blamed myself for things that I had no control over and often felt like I was stupid. I was told by my family growing up and teachers that I was dumb and that I would never amount to anything. Boy those people were dead wrong about me . I have grown into a very successful woman who has true friends that care and love me. I have a Lord God who has shown me over the years how much HE LOVES me and how a broken crayon still colors beautiful things. God gave me passion for others and has given me a huge heart for the lost and broken. I also have a huge heart for animals.

My favorite animal is a horse. Horses are incredible animals and I love how they can interact with you without words and show you how special and awesome you are. Asher was a big old horse that was blind and starved from his previous owner before my friend Rebecca rescued him. When I was in Arkansas visiting http://www.arryr.org/ I had a big break through with this big old horse. I was still in addiction and to stop and face your feelings or anything was scary for me and this horse was so great and awesome that he broke though my wall of pain. I had in common with him being starved and not knowing where my next meal would come from. Asher was also blind on top of his being starved, but I was also blind in my own way. I was blind to being in addiction, blind to having others love me for whom I was and blind to loving myself. I could not see past myself. Asher showed me how to see and how to live life again. I miss that old guy very much. Thank you Lord for using an old horse to help me see in so many ways in my life.

This is beloved Asher. Another horse that had huge significance in my life was a horse named Hero. You can read Hero’s story here, he is an amazing horse that never gave up when he should have died. His perserverance is amazing. https://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/who-we-are/our-herd/hero This horse touched my life in amazing ways and I fell in love with him. Hero reminded me of what I had endured in my life with massive abuse in my life and how with God’s help I was able to survive against all odds and how God wanted me alive so that I could share my life with others. Hero’s story has touched and effected lots of people including someone who wanted to end their life but when they heard Hero’s story decided that life was wort living and if this small horse could survive being shot twice at close range, they to could survive. This person was going to end their life in suicide. Hero has become a hero to so many. No matter what you are going through in life there is hope and encouragement out there. No shame or unworthiness or anything is worth giving up our lives for.

I love how God uses animals to help us heal from our wounds and frees us from addiction and uses us to help others. My testimony which includes my life with massive abuse and neglect in my life God uses this to help others. My journey has been long and sometimes very painful but now I no longer have to feel shame and unworthiness about anything. God sees me as His precious daughter I am beautiful in His eyes even if I struggle to believe in any way. I AM SOMEBODY, I AM LOVED, I AM HIS BELOVED, I AM PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT, I AM BEAUTIFUL, the broken crayon I once was has become a whole beautiful and wonderful woman.