Life has changed so much in the last few weeks. Today marks day 6 of being at home away from people. It’s been hard for me. I’m sure it’s hard for a lot of people as well. I’m an extrovert so not being able to hang out with my friends or go to work has been really hard. I’m still on WCB but my gym had to close so now doing my workouts at home. That is nice that I don’t have to get up and rush out. It’s been a challenge in so ways because it’s a 4 hour program and my poor body has never worked out for 4 hours. It’s good when I pace myself. Something I don’t do well. It’s all or nothing.

I’m learning how to strengthen my body so that I never hurt myself at work again. It’s good and what’s that saying no pain no gain. Slowly I’m gaining that strength so that’s good. Working out is a good distraction and breaks up the day lots which is good.

This whole way of living has triggered past things. Hunger for me was huge growing up and even though I have enough food it triggered that with this pendemic. Not having enough food, being so hungry and well that feeling is nothing like you could ever imagine. The other thing that got triggered for me was being alone. Yes I’m alone with not being able to hang out with certain people and lots of people have a significant other or children to hang out with. I have Zeke and two cute bunnies. The lack of people in my life is hard.

That’s why my relationship with the Lord is the most important. You are never alone with Christ in your life. He is there and so during my lonely times I reach out to Him and He holds me close. Then I feel that peace that only transcends from Him. We can be lonely in our marriages I was for a long time, or we can be lonely in our homes. God wants us to reach out to Him.

I have my friends whom I can video chat with as well. I’m learning a lot in this time away from people and work. This week I brought my first lawnmower and mowed my lawn. It looks good and again doing so many things I never thought I’d have to do without my husband. I can do these things and yes I will survive the social distancing. We are all in this together.

All the empty shelves at the stores is something I’ve never seen before. We live in a world where there always has been plenty. The stocking up and hoarding is like I’m in some movie. It feels almost not real. For weeks now you can’t find hand sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, disinfectant cleaning products and less and less toilet paper.

I’m not here to discuss what will happen with this virus or not we hear enough of that in the media. This past couple of weeks have been surreal for me. I go out somewhere and especially in stores feel super overwhelmed and feel almost out of body experience. I procrastinated on getting supplies. I finally sat down and asked God why I felt like that.

A picture came into my mind of me as a child hungry and wondering where or when my next meal would be. If I listened to what the media says about everything I’d to live in fear. I prayed about it and I know I will be ok. There is enough food and that if we go under a lock down I have enough in my home. I also have lots of family and friends and this time I’m not alone. As a kid I suffered alone. As an adult thanks to counseling and a lot of good people in my life including the Lord I am not afraid.

I’m so glad I have the Lord in my life. I feel peace that He is near. Draw close to Him. If we have to be in a lock down then spend your time with Him. I’m lucky I got to do that for the month I was off work. I feel he’s prepared me for this. Thank you Lord for looking after me.

It’s hard to be told that you use food as comfort and that it’s no better than your addiction of choice you used to do. That hit me hard because I’ve been free of sexual addiction for two and half years. I’m so glad I don’t struggle with that anymore. For years on and off I’ve struggled with over eating and using food as a comfort. It raised its ugly head recently when I felt back in a corner and felt like I had no way out. I felt trapped and powerless. Instead of stopping and realizing this triggered past stuff I chose to use food instead of validating why I was feeling those feelings. I found comfort in a bag of chips and a bag of candy. That helped soothe my soul. I didn’t lay out down in front of God I just ate instead.

My counselor pointed out that this is no different then using addiction. Food can be used as addiction if used for the wrong reasons. Great I’m glad she pointed it out to me so that I don’t continue to soothe through food. I have a toolbox full of tools on what to not do with sexual addiction so now I need to validate those feelings give them a voice. Writing for me is very therapeutic. I need to reach out to my friends and pray with them. I need to reach out to my Lord and ask Him to help me lay out down at the foot of His cross.

Working out this week has made me very mindful of what I’m eating and realized that I often eat from boredom. That was my huge downfall in sexual addiction. I started ordering food from a company called Good food and it’s really healthy meals that come in two portions. You get three meals and they last for two days and I’m really excited to cook them because they taste so good. I’ve cut my snacks back or I don’t snack and I’m motivated to cook. Cooking for one can be hard and then I eat the wrong things. Also being kind to myself and not so hard on me. If you are struggling with food, alcohol, drugs, sexual addiction or whatever your drug of choice is. Lay it down to God talk to someone you trust. You don’t have to do this alone. You can reach out to me and I can help encourage you. Addiction is hard, it is real and it can be overcome. There is freedom. ❤️

Many of you know I hurt myself at work six weeks ago. It’s been a hard recovery. I started back to work this is my second week and it’s going well. As well as work I’ve been enrolled in a back to work rehab program for people on WCB. It’s an intensive program it’s four hours a day but because I work I go afterwards to the program. On my days off work I go to the program for four hours. The program has been really good for me but also very challenging as well.

It’s hard working out your body when I have been lazy and not looked after it properly. Years and years of abusing it different ways of course will be hard in so many ways. In this program I realized why I hurt myself I used my back for everything. In fact your back is supposed to be protected by one using their glutes and having a strong pelvic floor. None of which I had and how when I’m so stiff that when you breathe properly from your diaphragm it’s amazing how you can breathe through your pain and actually move properly. Wow who knew breathing was the key to so many things.

If I’m tense in my neck and shoulders how to breathe to relax. I realized I’m not a relaxed person at all. Today was a hard day I ran out of steam after two and a half hours. I hurt and I almost cried because how was I supposed to do this. The team talked to me about pacing myself I have no idea how to do that. I said that and they said we will teach you. My Physio helped me stretch that muscle in my hip and worked with me out felt a lot better. Before when things got tough I would want to run away. My whole life I have done fight or flight. The people in the program told me the first week is the hardest and then it gets easier.

I felt discouraged when I got home. I wanted to run away but there is no option to do that and I am the one who abused my body for so long. I heard an awesome podcast today by my two favourite people Kim and Troy Meeder. Kim talked about no matter where we are in life we need to push through our pain and trust God. Even when it’s hard reaching out to our Lord and in worship and laying out all down in front of Him. With Christ we can do anything in our lives. Only then will we feel His Amazing peace. This is just what I needed to help me move forward. It will hurt for a time and then our bodies get stronger and then we will be even better then we were before. I love that so much.

No matter what we are going through in our lives. Reach out to the Lord. He is waiting for us to lay down all our fears, anxiousness and all our pain. Psalm 62:5-6 Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Since being off work for a month now with a sore back and hip, God has shown me many things. I believe this happened because like your immune down when your sick, your body does the same thing to protect itself. My body was telling me I’m tired, your in grief and you just need time. At first I blamed myself for an accident and then I beat myself up. When your used to doing everything and a very busy person it’s hard when you can bearly do anything.

After I slowed down I then could hear God. He wanted me to rest in Him. Give Him all my fears, my troubles, my pain and to trust Him that it would all work out. I wake up spend time in His word and pray. During the day I listened to podcasts and through them and reading books my relationship with the Lord exploded. My claim was excepted and now all I had to do was rest and go to physio and doctors appointments. The rest was taken care of.

My month off I would never trade it for anything. It’s been a time of healing. Healing from addiction: before if I was home alone more that two days I was back in addiction. Two and a half years later I found things I love to do at home. I started doing puzzles and found out relaxing challenging and fun. I knitted on my loom, I loved reading with a good cup of tea. I listened to music, and came to really appreciate what I was given in this life. I reached out to my friends. I love all the people God has brought into my life. Thank you to each and everyone of you. Blogging has become my outlet to do many things and I love it. I love the blogging community sharing my posts and reading what is important to each of you. We all come from unique backgrounds it’s nice to read what you write. Thank you God for slowing me down and showing me what life is truly about. I feel so much peace in my life and know that God looks after me no matter what.

It’s amazing the lies Satan tells us as we go about our lives. The biggest lie I used to believe was I was not good enough. It didn’t matter what I did in my life those words your not good enough reigned in my head. Growing up I was often told I was stupid and that I would never amount to anything. Not only did my dad and stepmom tell me that but my teachers in school. I really believed I was dumb. My grades were always low and I felt confused and overwhelmed about much in my life.

I now know this is a big fat lie and the reason why I had troubles in school was how I had grown up. Trauma makes it impossible to learn. I had the best survival skills and also never being challenged in my life, my brain did not know how to learn. After I moved to Canada and got lots of extra help in school I realized I was a very smart girl. I always had to work harder than anyone but I got to have the career I wanted. I got to work with children and be a voice for them when they couldn’t do it for themselves. God’s word is full of truth and light. That voice that tells me I’m not good enough is less and less.

It’s been tough for me lately in my life in so many areas. My emotions have been high. Not being able to get the jobs I want, feeling rejection from my husband leaving, left that voice in my head this week that I’m not good enough. I prayed against it straight away and then opened my bible and saw how much God loves me.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud…it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our heartsthrough the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. – Romans 5:2-5

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved. – Ephesians 2:4-5

God’s word is the only place where there is truth. Again I know that I’m more than good enough in His eyes and that this tough time I’m having when I walk side by side with Him will get better and even though it’s tough for me I feel God’s peace around me. That peace only comes from God. If your having a tough time reach out to God he’s waiting for you with His arms open wide. I find much comfort in the words I read from the Bible. I start my mornings out reading what He has written. There is no room for those lies in my head.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, or keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects always tusts always hopes. 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

I always thought I was a patient person in all aspects in my life. I am at work with the children I work with. Recently I hurt myself at work and it’s been a slow recovery. It’s been hard to go from being able to do everything to being able to hardly do anything. The pain has been great and its painful to move. The worst for weeks was getting out of bed. It’s hard waiting for recovery. I’m inpatient and blamed myself for what had happened. I have a good friend who reminds me that this was an accident and it was not my fault. She’s right. I’ve been hard on myself what if I had done this or that…… It’s not my fault.

I’m inpatient waiting for that perfect job the one I keep applying for and the one I get turned down from because I have no senority. I went from being able to get any job I wanted to now having so wait patiently to gain seniority.

Psalm 40:1-3 

40 I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

² He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

³ And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.

This has been a good time for me to see that God wants me to rest my body and heal and not worry about jobs, what I can and can’t do. He’s showed me that my body is tired. It’s tired from life and dealing with grief was so hard to work when my heart was broken. This injury has given me much needed time I needed to spend with the Lord. He’s taking care of all my needs and for now I’m resting my body and soul in the Lord. I realized today that I could never afford to go to physio if workers compensation were not paying for me to go and my loss of wages. Getting stronger and better is my goal right now and I need to embrace this. It’s nice to feel peace in the midst of my impatience. I would not trade this time for anything. God has a plan and all this under His control.

I’ve been off work now for a week. It seems like longer. I hurt my back and hip at work. I realized when your in pain the whole world continues on but it feels like life is passing you by. It’s made me stop and think about those who are in pain everyday. I couldn’t imagine how that feels. I do know when your in piles of pain it stops you doing all your normal activities. Pain can be so isolating. Everyone you know is at work so it can be lonely and when basic tasks are painful.

I reached out to my friends for help. Help with groceries and my neighbour bless his heart is an amazing man he’s helped me so much. I told my physio yesterday it feels like when your immune system is down and you get sick. That’s what it feels like in my body I’ve gone through so much in the last few months that my body is down and then I’m not vulnerable to getting hurt. She said that’s very interesting that I would think that. She talked about invisible things in our bodies nobody sees. In grief we suffer my body is suffering also.

Many of us suffer inside our bodies with depression, suffering, our mental health. Please don’t suffer alone there are places to turn to and people to talk to. Just because we look fine on the outside we could be suffering inside. I hate being off work and in pain but I do know this to shall pass. For some this is their daily life.

While I sat in the clinic the other day I saw a man whose bottom half of his leg was amputated and how he now had to face his life without his limbs. Another man sat beside me just out of rehab trying to find his way in this world sober. Overwhelmed and unsure where this would lead him. I realized that no matter what I have in life I’m grateful for what I have. There is someone out there who is worse off that you. Even in pain I am grateful for my life.

A Woman’s Take On The Super Bowl Halftime Show And Human Dignity. . .

This has been the hot topic since the SuperBowl last weekend. I did not watch the game or half time but heard how demoralizing the show was to woman. What I don’t understand is SuperBowl weekend is one of the largest Sex trafficking weekends. Last year over 1.5 million people in the US are victims of trafficking for sexual exploration. About 750 people were arrested in nationwide Sex trafficking sting operations before SuperBowl last year.

This year millions of children were watching the SuperBowl and this showed young girls that sexual exploitation of woman is ok. We already lived in a very Sexualized world. As I’ve written before pornography is huge in both men and woman in our world. The numbers are staggering every year. Some are calling this like watching soft porn. I bet there were a lot of conversations with children after watching this. This saddens me so much. What are we teaching our children? Since my recovery in sexual addiction I realized watching sexual videos, there are real people on screen. Porn is fantasy but these peoples lives are real and they are being forced into this industry and so many are dying inside. These women have to be high to perform and it’s destroying so many people’s lives.

There is good news Jesus can heal you, transform the way you see. He can set you free from this addiction. Layer by layer He can heal your brokenness and restore you to the person He created you to be. Thank you Lord for being my healer, deliever , restorer and redeemer. We must take every thought captive. We are in a battle of our minds. We must put off our old selves and be renewed in the Spirit of our minds. By running from these lies and running to God the power of sin can be broken.

We also need to protect our children and educate them about what they are seeing and how they perceive this world. Unfortunately these two woman from half time have a lot of young people who look up to them. Why not be a role model for something not Sexualized and still have young people look up to you.